Ranking The Bond Women – The Majors

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Finally we reach the climax of our sordid affair (revisit Part One and Two here). Pop! Below are the most famous Bond girls with the biggest, juiciest parts. The women which all the men want to be with, the ones which fans remember most fondly, and the ones which have kept many a teenage boy warm and wet on a cold winter’s night. I hope you’ve saved some energy for the final push. Here we go. Here we GO. HERE WEEE GOOOOOO!!!!!

41. Tiffany Case – Diamonds Are Forever

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What can I say – I just don’t like Jill St John. At least not here, where her face, hair, voice, and running around all piss me off. Jill St John has also appeared in The Lost World, Tender Is The Night, and a bunch of other stuff.

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40. Fatima Blush – Never Say Never Again

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A general WTF, this mauling of Fione Vulpe from Thunderball is a sadomasochist who enjoys the kill in a way Xenia Onotopp would later perfect. There’s so much wrong with the movie that is’s not a shock that this character is a bit of a mess – failing to kill Bond in ever more outlandish ways. Before he blows her up. With a pen. leaving just her smoking shoes behind. Having said that, Barbara Carrera has a real go at the role, and even bizarrely earned a Golden Globe nomination for it. She appeared in some notable movies and TV shows through the 70s and 80s, including The Island Of Dr Moreau, and Lone Wolf McQuade but has since retired as an actress.

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39. Magda – Octopussy

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A lead henchwoman of Kamal Khan, she helps him at the various auctions for the Faberge eggs. She starts out in the traditional route by trying to seduce Bond, but unlike most she succeeds in her ulterior motive. However, she takes a 180 turn in the end, switching sides to eventually helping Bond. A little too stern for my tastes though, but she does kick ass pretty effectively. Magda is the former Miss Scandanavia Kristina Wayborn’s most famous role, but she has also shown up in shows like Airwolf and Baywatch. 

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38. Miranda Frost – Die Another Day

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Ah yes, the old ‘Olympic medalist turned MI6 agent turned turncoat’ shtick. In a better film she would make a much more interesting character, but… but. You all know Rosamund Pike so I don’t need to tell you about her – she’s fine in the role, a little bland, too cold, and doesn’t do anything to make her stick out in the upper echelons of Bond girls.

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37. Christmas Jones – The World Is Not Enough

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She doesn’t come only once a year. Heh. Hum. Yeah, she’s hot. Denise Richards.

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36. Strawberry Fields – Quantum Of Solace

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Another case of an interesting character given bland treatment. I’m not the biggest fan of Gemma Arterton anyway, and nothing she does in this film changes that fact. Still, the character is interesting, and she does help Bond, and she does of course end up dead, but we don’t get to care enough about her to make Bond’s revenge any more engaging. Arterton’s rise was very quick, appearing in her first movie shortly after graduating, and becoming a Bond girl a year after that. She has also appeared in the St Trinian’s series, Clash Of The Titans, and The Girl With All The Gifts.

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35. Rosie Carver – Live And Let Die

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Everyone hates Rosie Carver, right? Terribly annoying, sells Bond out, spends most of the movie screeching, then freaks out in a potentially culturally insensitive scene. She’s high though because she is memorable, or because she appears in memorable scenes – her death scene is hilarious. Gloria Hendry has remained active over the years, appearing in many famous Blaxploitation movies in the 70s and the odd comedy or horror up to present day.

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34. Plenty O’Toole – Diamonds Are Forever

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Maybe the Bond Girl who is least remembered out of all those with a truly memorable name, Plenty represents the worst of the series’ treatment of women. It is made clear she is only interested in money, attaching herself to various men in various casinos. Bond doesn’t give a shit about her, she’s thrown out of a window, she’s jealous and possibly manic, and then she is drowned. What was the point? Lana Wood is still very active today, having seemingly retired in the mid 80s after appearing in many hit TV shows from the 60s onwards. You’ll know her from Peyton Place and even as a child in The Searchers. 

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33. Madeleine Swann – Spectre

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A combination of good actress, beauty, and good character ensure Swann makes a strong Bond girl. She’s the sort of estranged daughter of the villain Mr White, and she is intelligent and self-sufficient. There’s just something missing, either in the performances or the character or the story that keeps her from being a personal favourite. She doesn’t feel conflicted enough. I’ll need to watch the movie again and see if she moves up the list, but for now this is where she stands. Lea Seydoux is one of Europe’s biggest stars currently, after giving notable performances in a variety of blockbusters and critically acclaimed movies such as Ghost Protocal, Blue Is The Warmest Colour, and The Grand Budapest Hotel. 

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32. Severine – Skyfall

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The latest in the long line of tragic Bond girls, Severine starts out helping the bad guys. Dark, sultry, seemingly evil, it isn’t long before she sides with Bond. We all know what that means folks, as within a few scenes she is beaten, bloodied, tied up, and then shot in the head. She is there to make Silva seem all the more evil and cold-hearted, but she makes enough of an impact in the movie that we feel her loss. The film continues without a traditional Bond Girl. Berenice Marlohe came to acting quite late, making her first appearance at 28 and known mostly for French TV before appearing in Skyfall, though she will also be in Terence Malick’s Weightless.

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31. Camille – Quantum Of Solace

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Camille, and Quantum Of Solace, suffers by following Casino Royale and Vesper. Fans were clamoring for a direct sequel and ending to that story, but instead get led into more questions, tangents, and less interesting characters. Camille gets a powerful back story and is one of those characters who could see having their own spin-off  – she is strong, resourceful, and bent on revenge – she also doesn’t submit to Bond’s magic dong. Unlike previous movies and Bond girls she doesn’t get any standout scenes, although I need to revisit the movie to see if my feelings have changed. Olga Kurylenko is another former model who began a string of action movie appearances after giving notable performances in French Cinema, and can be seen in Hitman, Seven Psychophaths, and Oblivion. 

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30. Elektra King – The World Is Not Enough

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Elektra is someone who deserved a more nuanced and exciting film. She is a central villain, but for much of the movie garners our sympathy as she appears to be a victim of torture. Of course it turns out she had a perfect upbringing, born into wealth and fame but eventually betraying her family and joining Renard as terrorist partners. Even after killing her, Bond appears to feel bad. Sophie Marceau first appeared on screen as a teenager, quickly picking up higher profile roles and eventually appearing in Braveheart and Anna Karenina.

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29. Jinx – Die Another Day

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It’s Halle Berry, yo, and she’s one of the few respectable parts of Die Another Day. Like every other part of the movie, she is infected by camp – bad dialogue, knowing smirks, and other assorted shite, but still – it’s Halle Berry yo.

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28 – Holly Goodhead – Moonraker

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As it was the late 70s, those crazy women took it upon themselves to infiltrate all manner of male-oriented jobs, eventually leading the fight to Outer Space. Goodhead is a match for Bond in all departments, outdoing him in the brains department. Not that any of this stops him from attempting re-entry (or rear entry as I like to imagine Q saying). Bond and Goodhead fight and escape from Jaws and a variety of other henchmen all over the world only to find themselves in Space, having to to it all again. Goodhead is good in a fairly bad movie. Lois Chiles had appeared in a string of hits during the 70s before making Moonraker, and although she wouldn’t have the same successes in later years, she continues to appear in high profiles works such as Dallas and Broadcast News. 

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27. Andrea Anders  – The Man With The Golden Gun.

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It’s Maud Adams again, and it’s yet another tragic Bond girl death. The mistress of Scaramanga, she wants Bond to kill Scaramanga so that she can escape his clutches. As is almost always the case, Bond gets what he needs but the villain discovers the betrayal and the girl dies. It’s another iconic death scene as Bond chats to Anders for a few moments not realizing she has already been shot and killed in front of thousands.

26. Teresa Di Vicenzo – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

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I imagine many people would have this character much higher on their list than I have placed her. She is one of the more important Bond girls, given how she and Bond actually get married. But this is Bond we’re talking about, so we all know how that marriage will end. She’s not as high on my list as the character simply isn’t interesting or memorable enough – certainly not to the extent that I would see Bond wanting to settle down with her – it just doesn’t come across as convincing to me. Diana Rigg is good in the role – you’ll know her from The Avengers and Game Of Thrones.

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25. Aki – You Only Live Twice

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Aki and Suzuki from You Only Live Twice have always been interesting to me. Although Aki gets a great death, I’ve always thought that her character should have been merged with Kissy Suzuki; if that had happened she would have been one of the finest Bond women and Bond characters. Aki shows herself to be a strong agent and saves Bond from death on more than one occasion. She was played by Akiko Wakabayashi, a veteran of Godzilla and other Toho monster movies.

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24. Fiona Vulpe – Thunderball

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Another early femme fatale for Bond to deal with, Volpe is particularly skilled and bloodthirsty, killing her own team members as punishment. Ironically she is later killed by one of her own when Bond spins her into the path of an oncoming bullet. She is played by Italian actress Luciana Paluzzi who has made mostly Italian movies such as The Venetian Affair but also appears in US films like The Greek Tycoon.

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23. Domino Petachi/Derval – Thunderball/Never Say Never Again

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The character of Domino doesn’t differ enough between the two movies to warrant two separate entries. Domino doesn’t merely sit around waiting to be rescued and sexed, she helps Bond investigate, fight, and it is her who brings down the big bad. You all know Kim Basinger, while Claudine Auger has continued a successful European career throughout the 60s, 70s, and 80s in movies like Sons Of Satan and Lovers And Liars. 

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22. Sylvia Trench – Dr No/From Russia With Love

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The original Bond girl – before Honey Ryder, before Miss Moneypenny, Sylvia Trench was the booty call Bond kept on speed dial between missions. She never had much screen time and as the series progressed and Moneypenny was introduced, Trench disappeared without subsequent mention – presumably she was shot, fell into a shark infested lava pit, and had her remains scattered to piranha. Or she got a mid-management job in Tesco. Eunice Gayson appeared in British TV ad movies such as The Saint and The Revenge Of Frankenstein but gave it all up in the early 70s.

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21. Tatiana Romanova – From Russia With Love

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Bond’s drilling stick does its stuff early on in the series, as it repeatedly turns foes into fuck buddies, and Tatiana Romanova is no exception. An agent of SPECTRE, she is basically forced into making a sex tape with him so that the British Secret Service look like…. faded rock stars? I don’t know, the details are a bit fuzzy. Who know how it ends though, one shake of Bond’s magic wang and she betrays her bosses and kills Rosa Klebb. She’s pretty hot for an early Bond girl too, so that’s good. Daniela Bianchi was a ballet dancer, then model, then actress in mostly Italian movies, but retired in 1970.

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20. Octopussy – Octopussy

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When the movie is named after you, you’d better be spectacular, and when you have a name like that, you’d better be suitably protected to block the advances of eight Donald Trumps. We’ve covered Maud Adams already in our list yet she deserves special credit for appearing in three separate Bond movies. She’s high on the list because she’s very good in the role and because Octopussy is an important character. She is further away from my taste in Bond girls than most though, and because of that I can’t rate her any higher. The movie isn’t that great either which doesn’t help, but still – Adams is a Bond legend.

19. Lisl Von Schlaf – For Your Eyes Only

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I’ve often said For Your Eyes Only is one of the most emotional Bond films, and not merely because of what happens on screen. Lisl Von Shlaf surrenders to Bond in the film, and is of course killed later (by The Dove), but in real life actress Cassandra Harris was married to one Pierce Brosnan at the time of filming. She was instrumental in getting her husband cast as Bond, although she would never live to see it – dying after a long battle with cancer in 1991, making her appearance and performance all the more poignant now. She isn’t in the movie for very long but always made an impact on me, possibly accentuated by how much I love the film.

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18. Pam Bouvier – License To Kill

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MRS BOUVIER!!! Yeah, I can’t read that name without thinking of old Abe Simpson. One of the most active Bond girls, she is a pilot and is handy with a gun, so I should love her but sorry people, I just can’t get too enamoured by short hair. Yep, short hair does nothing for me, and as at least half of this list is based on sleaze I half (have) to be hairsh (harsh). I generally like the performance, but she does feel a little too sulky or pouty or something. Sporting the short hair is Carey Lowell, another model turned actress who has since retired – you may know her from Sleepless In Seattle or Law And Order. 

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17. Stacey Sutton – A View To A Kill

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While we’re on the subject of things that don’t do it for me, the old blonde bombshell or ditzy routine leaves me cold (flaccid). There are a few exceptions, which my wife always mocks me for, and while Stacey Sutton is not one of those exceptions, I have a lot of time, patience, and appreciation for her than most and no-one is more surprised than me. Tanya Roberts is just hot here, there’s no getting away from it. Stacey Sutton may be regarded as the most annoying Bond girl of the lot, and it isn’t difficult to see why with all the ‘oh James’ and the more screechy ‘ARGHH JAMES!’ variant passing her lips regularly. I’m not sure of Roberts was meant to be playing the role in such a way, but she has a lot of screen time and is hot for most of it. Maybe I feel bad for Tanya Roberts – always getting roles in crap movies, cult movies, or just missing on on the big credits – you’ll have seen her in Charlie’s Angles, That 70s Show,  Beastmaster, and the epic Bodyslam. 

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16. Pussy Galore – Goldfinger

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Many see Pussy Galore as the definitive Bond girl, and many see Goldfinger as the definitive Bond film. Both are understandable. People forget though that she spends a large part of the movie as a villain, acting as Goldfinger’s pilot. She does turn later on, though this is a grey area as she doesn’t succumb to Bond’s advances and it is implied that she is gay. I like Honor Blackman, but I think this is down to her raw sexiness and energy rather than any sort of physical attraction – based on appearance only she is another Bond girl who does nothing for me. But the name, the performance, and the iconic status ensure she is high on this list. Blackman has been acting since the 40s and is still going now, known for The Upper Hand, Jason And The Argonauts, and Cockneys Vs Zombies.

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15. Kara Milovy – The Living Daylights

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After quite a few ‘not to my tastes’, up pops Kara (played by Maryam d’Abo) who is definitely much more up my street. Kara is a musician who Bond ‘rescues’ and they spend most of the movie together. She is neither a complete damsel in distress, nor a fearless warrior but she proves herself to be capable at both helping and harming Bond, and surviving. It’s good to see Bond girls get this much screen time and attention as the relationships formed feel more interesting. Kara would unusually be the last blonde main Bond girl until Spectre. d’Abo is a British model and actress who missed out on appearing in A View To A Kill but has also appeared in Dorian Gray and Xtro. 

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14. Honey Ryder – Dr No

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The original and best? Well.. yes and no. She is technically the first Bond girl (what about me, Miss Trench?) and she does have that iconic entrance, and she is pretty hot and appears independent and strong. She just isn’t that deep of a character and aside from a few moments she spends most of the movie being dragged along by Connery. In fact, she isn’t even in most of the movie, appearing only halfway through. Still, Ursula Andress in 1962 was one of the most desirable women on the planet and the combination of looks, iconic imagery, and history ensure she is high on my list.

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13. Paris Carver – Tomorrow Never Dies

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I’ve never really been into Teri Hatcher, but I always liked her on Superman and later on Desperate Housewives. It stands to reason then that she would appear quite high on my list of favourite Bond girls. She’s another secondary Bond girl and doesn’t have too many minutes of screen time, but she does make an impact – maybe it’s a mix of the music too as anytime I think of her that violin music pops up in my head too. She is an old flame of Bond – someone that it seemed he was genuinely in love with once, but he abandoned her as he couldn’t afford to have someone close to him in his line of work. She is now married to the big bad – you know the drill by now – Bond meets her again, luvin’, she gets killed, revenge, roll credits. I do like every scene she is in though, short as they may be.

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12. Mary Goodnight – The Man With The Golden Gun

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Yeah, not the most useful character and the epitome of the dumb blond ‘save me, James’ archetype, Goodnight was nevertheless played by Britt Ekland – if Britt Ekland isn’t on your list of top hottest anythings then I have serious trouble believing you’re an actual person. She is sexually frustrated by Bond throughout the movie while she in turn sexually frustrates every single person watching as she spends most of the movie in various bikini states. The character is apparently not as useless in the books, and appears in multiple different stories. Britt Ekland has appeared in many classic and not so classic movies including The Wicker Man, Get Carter, and The Monster Club. 

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11. Lupe Lamora – License To Kill

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With the odd exception now we are into the Bond girls now that I both love the most and get the hornies for. Lupe Lamora is the other Bond girl from License To Kill, the mysterious, and desirable kept wife of the main bad guy – Sanchez. She is sort of unique in that, even though she betrays her man by helping Bond, she isn’t killed – she has wiles and strength and independence, and she doesn’t get it on with Bond. At the end of the movie Bond picks Bouvier over her – rather him than me. Talisa Soto is easily one of the hottest Bond girls and she is another model/actress who has rarely hit the heights of film fame after her Bond appearance, but she did feature in the Mortal Kombat series.

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10. Naomi – The Spy Who Loved Me

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It’s something you’ll see a few times in this top ten – female Bond villains. How can anyone argue against Naomi or Caroline Munro. She is stunning, more than a little dirty looking – whatever the hell that means – smart, and happens to be pure evil. She never turns from the dark side, never gets spurted by Bond’s magical love juice, and she gets an epic death. Munro gives a wicked performance, and spends a lot of time in a bikini. She is notable for also appearing in Casino Royale (The sixties version) and has appeared in some of my favourite cult movies – you may know her from The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad and Gameshow 3-2-1. 

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9. Wai Lin – Tomorrow Never Dies

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The undisputed badass Bond Girl, Michelle Yeoh’s Wai Lin is a better fighter than Bond and just as capable as an agent, proving to be an indispensable ally. After some early mistrust between the two ,they realise they are essentially on the same mission and join forces, complementing each other well and having only playful hints of attraction. It would have been great to see a spin-off series featuring Wai Lin – basically a Chinese 007, but this never happened and was probably never considered. Michelle Yeoh is of course an all round badass, as seen in everything from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and its sequel, to Sunshine and the Police Story series. She’s also incredibly hot, intelligent, does her own stunts, and could destroy anyone reading this.

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8. Kissy Suzuki – You Only Live Twice

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As mentioned earlier, I think it would have been more interesting if Aki and Kissy were merged into one character. Kissy is another strong and capable ally for Bond, helping him investigate Blofeld’s base and eventually getting stuck in during the epic ninja battle at the end. It goes without saying that she’s sexy, but it’s that ability to hold her own that ensures the high spot. Mie Hama had already and later went on to star in a bunch of Japanese movies before apparently retiring in 1989 and becoming a cultural ambassador.

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7. May Day – A View To A Kill

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Another villain, and easily one of the toughest, most recognizable Bond girls of the bunch. I can’t say that I’ve ever been attracted to Mayday, but there’s no getting away from the fact that she’d snap you in two and that she appears to be just as strong and dangerous as Bond. She does die in the end after kind of changing sides when she sees how truly psychotic Zorin is, but by that point she has killed several people. She gets a heroic death of sorts, her final words being a request for Bond to get Zorin – in her way she is just as iconic as Honey Ryder. Grace Jones is a model, actress, artist, and musician, having great success in all fields.

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6. Anya Amasova – The Spy Who Loved Me

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Bond has met a few capable women in his time, women who are just as good at their job as he is – quite a few of them in this top ten. Anya may be the best of these – basically a KGB, female version of 007. Agent XXX blames Bond for her boyfriend’s death (he did kill her) and their relationship is tense in the opening moments, with her knowing much of his history and frequently getting the upper-hand. Later they are instructed to work together for the common goal and they flirt by trying to out-perform each other in their mutual tasks. Amasova is a terrific Bond Girl and even though we know Bond is the star and that she will eventually fall into his arms, we know that she has been, and will again be out there doing her own thang.

Barbara Bach is easily one of the hottest Bond women but gave up on acting shortly after marrying Mr Ringo Starr, though you may have also seen her in Force 10 From Navarone.

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5. Solitaire – Live And Let Die

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Jane Seymour is one of the hottest women ever, nevermind being a Bond Girl. Solitaire is a pretty unique character in the Bondverse too, a psychic virgin and kept woman of the voodoo businessman Dr Kananga. Dutifully, Bond takes her virginity and her magic powers, rendering her both useless and untrustworthy to Kananga, but it’s a mystery why any of his henchmen didn’t ‘have a go’ first – that Tee-Hee fella looks the type. After all that she does become a typical damsel in distress who Bond must rescue, but she’s just so damn pretty that I don’t care. Seymour is well cast and while she doesn’t really show off many of her acting talents, we would see those later in the likes of Dr Quinn, and Battlestar Galactica.

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4. Melina Havlock – For Your Eyes Only

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Melina gets a lot of stick. From idiots. Now that we’ve cleared that up, in terms of hotness there are few higher than her in my sick and unnecessary gauge. Dark, mysterious, sultry, what more could you want? Melina wants revenge for the death of her father and is fiercely determined to complete this mission, much to the annoyance of Bond. The two eventually team up and take down the bad guys together, and then do what Bond does best. Carole Bouquet (not bucket) went on to star in a tonne of movies and series, mostly European including Too Beautiful For You and the – wait, there’s a TV remake of Rosemary’s Baby!? WTF.

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3. Xenia Onotopp – Goldeneye

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Straight up, with a twist. That’s kind of all you need to know. Onotopp is simply joyous, and who wouldn’t want to have their final moments being crushed to death between those thighs? Dark, brooding, sexy, and with a comical sexual appetite which dwarf’s Bonds, Onotopp is a psychotic killer who enjoys nothing more than mowing down innocents with her gun. Bond barely escapes with his nuts and life intact after several confrontations with her, and she’s another villain that you don’t really want to see killed because she’s so much fun. Famke Janssen’s electrifying performance ensured that she would have a huge Hollywood career appearing in the XMen and Taken franchises among others.

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2. Natalya Simyonova – Goldeneye

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Ah Natalya, surely a favourite of any geek. Clever, funny, handy enough in a fight, and sweet jeebus wouldn’t you know she’s hotter than a Severnaya Sauna. She is the only survivor of the Janus attack in Siberia (well, unless you count Boris as a survivor too), she escapes certain death a second time, this time with Bond and the two work together to stop Sean Bean’s maniacal ramblings. Natalya is one of the few Bond girls to truly get under Bond’s skin referring to his ‘it’s what keeps me alive’ with ‘it’s what keeps you alone’. She’s another character who I would have loved seeing again and could imagine Bond giving up his other life for. Izabella Scorupco is another model who has tried her hand successfully at music and movies, appearing also in Vertical Limit and Reign Of Fire.

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  1. Vesper Lynd – Casino Royale

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Quite frankly, anyone who doesn’t put Vesper as their number one Bond Girl is a moron. She’s number one is every respect, she just is. Oh look  – dark, sultry, mysterious – is it any wonder she’s top of my list? She’s also an equal to Bond in the flirting stakes and she is the one that he does appear to want to throw it all away for. You know what happens to those women though, don’t you? Her death was the impetus for later Bond movies and it had such an impact in Casino Royale that the resolution to that whole story as played out in later films has been, well, crap. I want full-on, badass, revenge mode Bond, but we never get that.

One of, if not the most important reason that Vesper is number one is down to Eva Green’s performance. Aside from obviously being gorgeous (and thank God we’re at the end of this thing so that I can stop feeling dirty by lowering myself to such base interests) her performance is superb, easily worthy of an Oscar nod and towers above most performances in the series, Bond girl or otherwise. Green is easily one of the best actors in work today, as seen here and in The Dreamers and Penny Dreadful.

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There you have it – an exhaustive list of breast and other bits. You can go off now, clean yourself up, and then come back and let us know in the comments who your favourites are!

Ranking The Bond Women – The Middlers

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Welcome back, you sad, lonely perverts. Why are you even here when you could be watching the movies for yourself, or even better, hiding in the neighbour’s bushes and pretending to be a spy yourself? I promise you get caught this time. Well, I suppose I should continue now that you’re here. Pull up a pew and make sure the door’s locked in case someone should stumble in and see what you’re up to. That would be embarrassing now, wouldn’t it?

22: Verity – Die Another Day

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It’s hardly a surprise that Verity appears at the bottom of my list. As you’ll see elsewhere on the blog, I like a lot of Madonna’s music. Her acting…. yeah, I like her in some stuff. This is just product placement of the worst kind, in a movie littered with toys screaming ‘buy me buy me’! Die Another Day gets almost everything wrong, Madonna flirting and swinging swords is just one of many sins.

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21: Ruby Bartlett – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

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Part of me would love to stick Ruby at the absolute bottom of the Bond girl’s list, except that there isn’t really anything wrong with her. She just irritates the hell out of me – that face, that voice, that hair. Most people have OHMSS as one of the best Bond films, but Ruby, along with Lazenby and the dreadful Louis Armstrong song knock it way down my ranking. Angela Scoular, who also appeared in the original Casino Royale and various other British movies, had a troubled life and killed herself in 2011 after swallowing and dousing herself in acid. Makes me feel bad for not liking her Bond girl now. Shit.

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20: Bianca – Octopussy

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Bianca briefly helps Bond in Octopussy, using all her disguise – applying and thigh-showing skills. Another character who could have been more interesting with a bigger role, but as it stands she’s just another object to look at unfortunately. More unfortunately, Tina Hudson who performed here never appeared in another film or show as far as I can tell.

19: Miss Taro – Dr No

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The first henchwoman we meet in the series, Miss Taro is suitably sultry and wicked, but she is of course no match for 007 and fails to lure him into a trap before failing to seduce him. Miss Taro was played by South African actress Zena Marshall who sadly passed away in 2009, an actress who started out in the 40s before retiring in the late 60s and appeared in many movies and shows including Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines and Helter Skelter. 

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18: Pola Ivanova – A View To A Kill

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There isn’t anything wrong to say about Pola, she’s just another agent (KGB) who Bond gets the better of, after some sexy times of course. It’s a case once again of a character that I’d like to see more of, either in the movie or recurring in other movies, but of course the Bond series typically doesn’t do such things. Plus I’m not a fan of short hair. Sorry. Fiona Fullerton started out as a child actress before landing the role of Pola, and since then has become a Property Developer with the odd reality TV appearance or TV movie- Strictly Come Dancing, A Ghost In Monte Carlo etc.

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17: Lucia Sciarra – Spectre

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When I first heard that Monica Bellucci was going to be a Bond Girl, I was more than a little excited. Bellucci is a fantastic actress who I have been a fan of for many years, as well as being gorgeous, and on most days she should be near the top of any lady list. Her appearance in Spectre is disappointingly underwhelming to the the point that she doesn’t really need to be there at all. Of course the series has a history of throwing in a random hot woman just to facilitate a joke or movie the plot forward ever so slightly. But this is Monica Bellucci, and if anything she deserved to play in the lead Bond girl role. She’s there, and then she isn’t, and for most of the movie I was waiting for her to come back.

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16: Pan Ho – A View To A Kill

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One of many henchwomen in A View To A Kill, but probably the least impactful. A partner to Jenny Flex and underling of Mayday, Pan Ho helps Zorin and Co kill and cause general carnage. As loyal as she is, she unfortunately forgets that Zorin is a complete loon, and loses her life because of it. Papillon Soo Soo stars as the ill-fated mistress, a model and former actress who also appeared famously in Full Metal Jacket (‘me so horny’).

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15: Patricia Fearing – Thunderball (and Never Say Never Again)

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Fearing is played by two different actresses, most notably in Thunderball and later in the mostly awful Never Say Never Again. It’s Thunderball that we care about here, where Fearing is a bit of a silly character – first saving Bond’s life and then having sex with them because she’s afraid she will lost her job. Still, she appears in multiple scenes and gets the odd uncomfortable laugh from the audience. Fearing was played by Molly Peters, a model who made a string of appearances in the 60s in minor movies and shows before giving it all up in 1968.

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14: Jill Masterson – Goldfinger

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Famous for dying in one of cinema’s most iconic ways, poor Jill Masterson was immortalized after betraying her boss and being covered in gold paint from head to toe -both as punishment for her actions and a warning for Bond. Shirley Eaton is fine in the role, but aside from her brief early scenes it is her corpse which steals the headlines. Shirley Eaton had been acting since the early 50s in many British TV series and movies such as the Carry On movies, but in 1969 she retired to look after her family instead.

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13: Caroline – Goldeneye

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When I first saw Goldeneye, I mistakenly thought that Caroline was Moneypenny, such was the flirtatious banter between the two, as well as the character’s coy mannerisms and the fact that she didn’t really look like a typical Bond woman. She appears mainly to remind us that Bond is a bit of a lad, likes racing cars, and of course to introduce us to Xenia Onatopp. Caroline is fine, gets in a little bit of dialogue, and is another character who you would mind making frequent appearances throughout the series as a world weary spy evaluator. Unfortunately we don’t get to see her again. Serena Gordon stars as the first Brosnan Bond girl, known for British TV shows such as The Bill and Other People’s Children. 

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12: Molly Warmflash – The World Is Not Enough

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‘Faith, a word of advice – you’re an idiot’. It wouldn’t be a post on this blog without some sort of Buffy reference – it’s quite funny seeing a one-off Buffy actress popping up as a one-off Bond character – she even dresses in the same stuffy manner as her Sunnydale counterpart. Played by Serena Scott Thomas, who you may know as the sister of Kristen, Molly succumbs to Bond’s charms as his doctor, and later tells us that Robert Carlisle is basically Superman.

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11: Rubavitch – The Living Daylights

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Played by Virginia Hey of Farscape and The Road Warrior fame (two of my favourite things), Rubavitch doesn’t get a lot to do aside from lose her clothes and cry when she thinks General Pushkin has been killed. Hey is a terrific actress as well as being gorgeous, and therefore earns a higher spot on the list than others who may be more iconic or have a larger role.

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10: Jenny Flex – A View To A Kill

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Jenny Flex. JENNY FLEX. There’s jsut something about the character names in A View To A Kill which are unforgettable to me – Max Zorin, Mayday, and Jenny Flex. There isn’t anything special about the character, and in truth it is a bizarre name that isn’t as obviously memorable as many others, but for whatever reason that name and by extension that character are stuck in my head for ever more. JENNY FLEX. Flex was played by Irish actress and model Alison Doody, famous for starring as the ill-fated Dr Schneider in The Last Crusade.

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9: Nancy – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

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The least annoying, most attractive of the women Bond meets in Piz Gloria in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Nancy is a porcelain-doll looking woman who appears in numerous flirtatious interludes with Bond throughout the film, eventually popping up in his bed. Best known for her recurring role in Space: 1999, Catherine Schell has appeared in many shows and movies including Return Of The Pink Panther and Wish Me Luck.

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8: Solange Dimitrios – Casino Royale

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Casino Royale was by no means the first Bond movie to show the character in a tragic light, but it does one of the better jobs of highlighting the fact. Solange is the latest in a long line of women who meet their end (at least partially) due to meeting Bond. A victim of her husband’s abuse she hopes that perhaps Bond could be her way out, but she is murdered in an ugly message to Bond, and a sign of things to come for 007. Caterina Murino is another model turned actress who has appeared in a mixture of European TV and film.

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7: Corinne Dufour – Moonraker

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Speaking of tragic and ugly ends as a consequence of meeting Bond, Corinne gets one of the darkest deaths in the series when Drax allows his hunting dogs to chase and rip her apart. She works for Drax as a pilot but is seemingly innocent of his evil ways and when she shags Bond and inadvertently betrays her boss, her death is inevitable. Most famous for playing the title character in the controversial Story Of O, Corinne Clery also appeared in many French and Italian cult movies.

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6: Tilly Masterson  – Goldfinger

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Although it is Jill Masterson who grabs the headlines thanks to her Golden murder, Tilly is the more interesting character which the bigger role. She tries to kill Goldfinger several times as revenge for her sister’s death but in the end is killed by Oddjob. Tania Mallet made her sole big screen appearance in the movie, returning to the successful modelling career where she made her name.

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5: Saida – The Man With The Golden Gun

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Another character that I always remembered from my childhood, mainly for the amusing scene where Bond keeps trying to remove a bullet from her belly button. In fact, that’s her only scene in the movie but it’s all very funny and oddly sexy in that uncomfortable Moore way, and Carmen du Sautoy acts along playfully. She has appeared on stage in many roles, as well as appearing in many sitcoms and minor movies over the decades.

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4: Manuela -Moonraker

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Manuela doesn’t really do much in Moonraker to warrant being so high on my list, but she does appear in multiple scenes including one memorable one where she is almost gobbled by Jaws. She’s a Secret Service Agent, so you’d assume she’s bad ass – or at least bad ass cheek. She’s high on the list I guess because of potential – she’s another character that could have been someone who was recurring over other movies. But as we know by this point, part of the charm of the Bond movies are that they throw in needless one-off Bond girls in parts which could have been played by a smaller pool of actresses. Emily Bolton stars as Manuela, an actress who has appeared most famously in TV shows such as Tenco and Capital City before seemingly retiring and disappearing like so many other Bond Girls.

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3: Paula Caplan – Thunderball

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One of the earliest, if not the first instance of the tragic Bond girl, Caplan seems like a capable contact for Bond to work with. She flirts with Bond, as you do, but when she is later captured by the bad guys she seemingly kills herself to avoid torture and giving up valuable information. Caplan was played by Martine Beswick who we have already covered here due to her appearance in From Russia With Love. 

2: Helga Brandt – You Only Live Twice

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Is Brandt genuinely a Bond Girl, given that she is also a villain? Who cares, it’s my list. She shags Bond, tries to kill him on a few occasions, and appears in quite a few scenes. She also gets one of my favourite deaths, and favourite moments in the series when Blofeld feeds her to his piranha. Karin Dor played the part, a prolific German actress who is still acting today, mostly on stage, but still popping up in movies and TV. She is also known for Topaz and The Face Of Fu Manchu.

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1: Bibi Dahl – For Your Eyes Only

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I’m sure this will raise a few eyebrows, but I love Bibi Dahl. Or perhaps more accurately, I love Lynn Holly Johnson. I loved her in The Watcher In The Woods, and I love her in this. Okay fine, yes she is an annoying character, but she makes it so believable. And she’s hot as hell too. Her role in the movie is bizarre – she’s some horny kid who wants to get it on with James, but she’s also being trained as an Ice Skater by the bad guy, who does genuinely seem to care for her. She gets a lot of dialogue and screen time for a minor character but I enjoy every scene she’s in as she brightens up a pretty dark movie. She’s a fairly unique character in the Bond canon, and for that she gets my top spot. Yippee! Lynn quit acting in the 90s after refusing to do nude scenes, but returned in 2007 before suffering a stroke and it seems she is again retired now.

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Tune in next time when we’ll be getting the big guns out. And by guns I mean boobs. And by boobs I mean women. And by writing, I apologize.

Ranking The Bond Girls – The Minors

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Come in, sit down boy, have a cigar, you’re gonna go far… if you read this – do we have a treat for you today yes siree. It’s time to kick back, draw the blinds, and enjoy yourself in a clean and safe manner by reading this list of wicked temptresses and lusty beauties. Our esteemed colleague Mr Bond, Double Oh Matron, has done the Hard work, done all the sweating and heavy lifting if you will, to bring us this list of conquests – women who are merely a footnote in his exhaustive travels, women who can barely even be called real people and in many cases even go unnamed (but not unharmed or unloved). Translation: read my list of the most minor Bond girls – those who may have only appeared in a single scene or had little impact on the plot; it’s really good!

24: Kimberley Jones – A View To A Kill

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80s Computers

Here we go, the lowest ranked Bond Girl based upon my warped preferences. She exemplifies everything that is both wonderful and terrible in the Bond Universe in that she is only there to be fucked. In a very 80’s movie, she is a very 80’s girl with big hair, big smile, and big… personality. She was played by Mary Stavin who also appeared briefly in Octopussy a Swedish former Miss World winner who went on to appear in such classics as Caddyshack II and Alien Terminator. And hey, look! She recorded a ‘song’ with everyone’s favourite Irishman George Best.

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She’s now a Nolan sister, apparently

 

23: Gemma – Quantum Of Solace

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I don’t know who I am either

I’m not even sure what all this lass did in the movie, aside from helping Mathis to help Bond. Yeah, she’s not really a Bond Girl then and shouldn’t really be here but I’ve typed it all now so tough. Anyway, she’s played by Lucrezia Lante della Rovere who is starred in a bunch of Italian movies and TV series.

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My hair is modeled after my earrings

 

22: Marie – Diamonds Are Forever

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Bikinis

Poor Marie goes one better than attempting to flirt with and shag Bond, but gets choked instead – with her own bikini for good measure. And guess what? Denise Perrier, who played the part, was also a former Miss World. My detective skills sense there may be a theme at play….

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G..G…Granny?

 

21: Bond’s Lover/Unnamed Girl – Skyfall

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Sleepy time

As if being fucked and being strangled weren’t enough, this Jane Doe doesn’t even get a name, instead being christened as either Bond’s Lover or the ominous Unnamed Girl. She enjoys a quick romp with Bond and although it is implied that she has had some sort of more meaningful relationship with Bond during his hiatus from MI6 she only appears in one scene and is never heard from again. She was played by Tonia Sotiropoulou who is a model but not a Miss World Winner, and also appeared in the rather good Berberian Sound Studio. 

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Wake up!

 

20: Linda – The Living Daylights

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Bikinis #2

Such is the way of the Bond Universe that most wealthy women lounge about and dream that one day a real man will drop out of the heavens and satisfy their every sordid whim. Bond’s erection hears this call and her drops onto her yacht before dropping his pants. Played by Belle Avery who has appeared in mostly rubbish before becoming a Producer.

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Call me

 

19: Inga Bergstorm – Tomorrow Never Dies

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DON’T call me

Another who is only on screen for a bit of titillation and a good old ‘Cunning Linguist’ gag, she doesn’t do anything but is pretty hot so woo hoo. She was played by Cecilie Thomsen, a model and actress who used to be Bryan Adams’ girlfriend. Great.

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Wrap it up

 

18: Bonita – Goldfinger

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Bikinis #3

Played by Nadja Regin (who had a sort of bigger part in From Russia With Love), Bonita is a minor femme fatale who Belly Dances her way into Bond’s life before being thrown away after Bond spots the double cross. Regin has had a long and strong career as an actress, writer, and publisher.

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One of these could be her. Or maybe it’s a completely random image of two completely random people

17: Zora – From Russia With Love

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You wanna piece of me?

 

You’d assume that as a species we’ve graduated from outdoor cat-fights concerning matters of the heart or loins, but switch on any of those horrible reality shows or daytime chat shows and you’ll realise your mistake. Silly humans, thinking they have evolved. And silly writers, thinking audiences in the 60s would believe two -just-Eastern-enough woman would be rolling around in the dirt and pulling hair just for the opportunity to hope on a shlong. Hmm, maybe those writers knew something we didn’t. Anyway, early Bond movies didn’t think much of women, but look at them tearing off each others clothes – ain’t it hot!? Zora here, was played by Martine Beswick (an English Model and Actress) who would also appear in Thunderball and continue to bit and scratch other women in future movies.

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No

16: Vida – From Russia With Love

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You wanna piece of ME

Vida. She’s the other one. Played by Aliza Gur, a former Miss Israel, who would appear in various minor movies and hit TV shows before seemingly retiring in the early Seventies.

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No

15: Apollo Jet Hostess – Moonraker

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I must break you

We’re only a few (re) entries in, but we’ve already seen quite a bit of sexism and violence towards women. I quite like this nameless character – she has the looks, of course, but there is an air of danger and mystery around her. I like to think she survived the aircraft crash which she instigates, but we will never know. Played by Leila Shenna who appeared in a few French and Algerian movies through the 70s before giving it all up in the early 80s.

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We will never know

14: Chew Mee – The Man With The Golden Gun

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Come in

With a name like that, what’s not to love? We all know it’s hilarious to mock other countries, and even more fun to take their silly languages and fashion pervy names from them; Pee Niss, Jie-An-Tkok, Mam Aree, Phuree Kun’t, and so on. She is an entirely pointless character aside from the cheap name joke – she indulges in some soft pool side flirting, then vanishes from the movie – but we all had a laugh. And we all had a look. Francoise Therry is the actress’ real name and I have no idea where she went.

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Where did I go?

13: Estrella – Spectre

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Don’t leave me!

Appearing only in the superb opening scene to Spectre, she again is only there to remind us that Bond likes having sex with hot women, as if anyone hadn’t cottoned on to this fact yet. For such a minor role Stephanie Sigman is beautiful enough and manages to act in some sort of captivating enough manner for us to remember her – she has already appeared in movies like Miss Bala, and shows like Narcos, so there is every chance for her to go on to a great career. She’s also a beer.

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Blue is a warm colour

 

12: Thumper – Diamonds Are Forever

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Wabbit

Diamonds Are Forever is basically Connery doing Moore – a lot of camp, bizarre humour and wacky characters. Thumper, played by Trina Parks, is partner to Bambi (naturally) and together they act as the elite guards of Mr Whyte. You can’t help but think a couple of pitbulls may have been the better choice, or some dude with a gun, but hilariously they almost defeat Bond with their acrobatic style. Bond eventually gets the better of them and pushes their heads down towards his special area. Parks was the first African American Bond girl I believe, and she was a famous dancer and choreographer who appeared in various other movies and shows including The Blues Brothers.

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Wayhay

11: Bambi – Diamonds Are Forever

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It is unclear who is enjoying it more

Ranked higher than Thumper because she’s hotter and has the better chance to dispatch Bond while Thumper flaps around doing needless somersaults. Played by Lola Larson in what seems to have been her only role – I think she was a former athlete but I can’t be arsed researching further (at all).

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Could be anyone

10: Peaceful Fountains Of Desire – Die Another Day

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Smooth

As the decades passed, we moved on from the likes of Chew Mee and now have named our Asian characters with curious epithets or snazzy translations. Peaceful Fountains Of Desire could almost have been Violent Squirts Of Coitus, but this was unfortunately not considered. Then again, this was Die Another Day so the results could have been much much worse (Painful Anal Expulsion? Nah, too metal). She only appears in one scene – a Chinese Intelligence Officer pretending to be a masseuse, and although it’s all very hot and weird she’s still memorable. Not as much as Brosnan’s beard though. Played by Rachel Grant, who is related to the current British Royal family, she has gone on to appear most famously in Braniac: Science Abuse and a variety of other shows and movies.

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9: Felicca – The Spy Who Loved Me

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Well well…

 

Essentially the same character as Fiona Volpe and whose death is almost identical, Felicca is sent by the bad guys to arouse Bond’s shlong but not his suspicions just long enough for the henchman Sandor to stick a bullet in Bond’s skull. For reasons unknown, but presumably shlong related, Felicca has a change of heart and warns Bond of the danger – she instead catches the bullet and dies. An interesting twist then, no doubt encouraged by Roger Moore whose Bond wasn’t as cold-hearted as Connery’s. Played by Italian actress Olga Bisera, who also founded her own Production Company and appeared in Castle Keep and various Italian movies before retiring in the early 80s.

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Well?

 

8: Cigar Girl/Giulietta Da Vinci – The World Is Not Enough

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Gun

 

Another film, another nameless Bond girl, though this one listed in the credits as ‘Cigar Girl’ is one of the more intriguing pieces of the World Is Not Enough puzzle. She gets a lot of screen time in the pulsating cold open and Bond doesn’t manage to get the information out of her that he needs or get her out of her pants. Cigar Girl continues the grand tradition of the cold-blooded Bond assassin, and leads a merry chase along the Thames until Bond catches up with her in dramatic fashion. It becomes clear that she is more scared of someone else than Bond, but she dies without giving any hints as to who that may be. Maria Grazia Cucinotta stars as the ill-fated lady, an actress, model, producer, and screenwriter who has appeared in many memorable roles ins shows such as The Simpsons, The Sopranos, and Il Postino. 

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Guns

 

7: Irina – Goldeneye

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Miaow

 

Irina is one of many pointless characters in the Bond universe, but by God I love Goldeneye and it wouldn’t be complete without Minnie Driver’s cat strangling. She only appears in a single scene when Bond meets Zukovsky, singing badly in the background. It’s funny. That’s about it really. Minnie Driver is of course an established star in her own right these days, and Goldeneye was one of her earliest big screen performances.

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Purrrr

 

6: Rosika Miklos – The Living Daylights

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What Lies Beneath

 

Rosika is a curious one, a capable ally to Bond, and someone it appears has worked with Bond in the past – at the very least they are aware of each other from some previous occasion. Her looming figure is akin to Brienne Of Tarth, and she helps Bond out early in the movie by throwing around Koskov without breaking sweat. Played by Julie T Wallace, an actress who has appeared sporadically on TV and film in The Fifth Element, Speed Racer, and many British sitcoms.

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Of Tarth

 

5: Ava – The Living Daylights

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‘These guys eat too much red meat’

 

Part of another daring double along with Liz, Ava is a CIA agent who helps Bond out a couple of times during the movie. It would have been nice to see them return for another mission, especially with Felix’s importance in the next Dalton movie. Ava is played by Dulice Liecier, an actress who looked like she was going to be big in the 80s before vanishing – she appeared in shows like Grange Hill and Eastenders as well as singing on Another Brick In The Wall.

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Is There Anybody Out There

 

4: Liz – The Living Daylights

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Hi

 

Part of another daring double along with Ava, Liz is a CIA agent who helps Bond out a couple of times during the movie. It would have been nice to see them return for another mission, especially with Felix’s importance in the next Dalton movie. Liz is higher on the list because she’s hotter than Ava. Liz is played by Catherine Rabett who started out as a successful dancer before starring in You Rang, M’Lord, Doctors, and Emmerdale.

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Eh up, lad

 

3: Martine Blanchaud/Log Cabin Girl – The Spy Who Loved Me

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So… cold…

 

It’s The Spy Who Loved Me again, and that means another woman trying to blind Bond with her boobs until he is killed. She appears (as The Log Cabin Girl) in the opening sequence having sexy times with Bond until he is chased away and down the alps on skis, followed by the KGB until the famous leap off the cliff. In another common theme, Sue Vanner retired from acting in the early eighties, having played in various TV shows such as Minder and Tales Of The Unexpected.

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From Sweden With Love apparently

 

2: Ling – You Only Live Twice

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You Only Appeared….

 

It at first seems like Ling is yet another foul temptress, as she shares a bed and some flirtatious fun with Bond in the opening sequence. It appears she has a hand in killing Bond but surprise surprise he gets to live twice, and Ling was in on the whole thing from the start. It’s all very elaborate and quick, but she’s hot so wayhay to us. Ling was played by Tsai Chin, something of a star in Asia thanks to her many impressive roles over the decades and success as a singer, teacher, writer, director, and stage actress, appearing in things like The Joy Luck Club, Memoirs Of A Geisha, and even 2006’s Casino Royale. 

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…twice

 

1: Madame La Porte – Thunderball

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I See You

 

Appearing only in the famous pre-credits sequence, Madame La Porte helps Bond escape in his souped up DB5 after attending the funeral of a SPECTRE agent with him. She is one of the few minor Bond girls to get involved in the action and get any sort of meaningful dialogue so she seems as good a pick as any to top this list. Played by Maryse Guy Mitsuoko, a strip tease artist and actress who appeared in a handful of spy movies in the 60s before taking her own life in the 90s.

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We’ll see you again

 

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of this trouser-rupturing series as we meet the likes of the Masterson sisters, Bibi Dahl, and Molly Warmflash!

Ranking The Bond Women -Introduction

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Chauvinism ahoy! Following on from my ridiculously unpopular Bond Songs ranking posts I thought I would move on to even more misguided waters by listing all of the women who appear in Bond movies. As before, this is a personal list so nostalgia and personal preference will hold more weight that cultural importance or lack thereof, with a sprinkling of character, writing, and acting ability aiding in the ranking. Before I get started with the list, for all your purists out there THIS IS MY LIST. I am including Never Say Never Again (even though it’s tripe), I am including typical Bond girls and female Bond baddies, and I’m trying to include even the most minor character – it just needs to be someone who has had some sort of fling or naughty, nudey escapade with Double Oh Shlong – because of this I may miss a few characters – don’t hate me. Or do, I don’t care. I am not including Moneypenny as she is a regular, recurring character and I’m not including Judi Dench’s M because I’m not a GILF hunter.

At time of writing I have identified a frightening, wrist-wrenching 90 ladies. My wife tells me I have peculiar tastes when it comes to women, so be prepared for some unusual choices in my top 20. I’ll split up my posts into minors, middling, and major characters, and I’ll even share with you a lovely picture of each woman along with my alarmingly non-pervy thoughts. Won’t that be lovely? And because no blog post is complete without a list – here is the list of Bond Girls by movie which I will be including! Feel free to let me know your favourites now, or alternatively wait until I have completed my wanking. RANKING! Ahem, ranking. Ahem.

Dr No: Honey Ryder, Sylvia Trench, Miss Taro

From Russia With Love: Sylvia Trench (again), Tatiana Romanova, Zora, Vida

Goldfinger:  Dink, Jill Masterson, Tilly Masterson, Bonita, Pussy Galore.

Thunderball: Fiona Volpe, Paula Caplan, Mademoiselle La Porte, Patricia Fearing, Domino Derval

You Only Live Twice: Aki, Ling, Helga Brandt, Kissy Suzuki

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Teresa Di Vicenzo, Ruby Bartlett, Nancy,

Diamonds Are Forever: Tiffany Case, Plenty O’Toole, Bambi, Thumper, Marie

Live And Let Die: Solitaire, Rosie Carver, Miss Caruso

The Man With The Golden Gun: Andrea Anders, Mary Goodnight, Saida, Chew Mee

The Spy Who Loved Me: Anya Amasova, Naomi, Felicca, Martine Blanchaud.

Moonraker: Manuela, Corinne Dufour, Holly Goodhead, Apollo Jet Hostess

For Your Eyes Only: Melina Havelock, Bibi Dahl, Countess Lisl

Octopussy: Octopussy, Magda, Bianca,

A View To A Kill: Kimberly Jones, Mayday, Stacey Sutton, Jenny Flex, Pan Ho, Pola Ivanova

The Living Daylights: Kara Milovy, Linda, Rubavich, Rosika Miklos,

License To Kill: Lupe Lamora, Pam Bouvier,

Goldeneye: Xenia Onatopp, Natalya Simonova, Caroline

Tomorrow Never Dies: Inga Bergstrom, Wai Lin, Paris Carver,

The World Is Not Enough: Cigar Girl, Christmas Jones, Electra King, Molly Warmflash,

Die Another Day: Peaceful, Miranda Frost, Jinx. Verity.

Casino Royale: Solange, Vesper Lynd

Never Say Never Again: Domino Petachi, Fatima Blush

Quantum Of Solace: Agent Fields, Camille, Gemma

Skyfall: Bond’s Lover, Severine

Spectre: Lucia Sciarra, Madeleine Swan, Estrella

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Ranking The James Bond Songs – Summary

Here’s a quick summary of my ranking of the major songs from Bond movies, all in one handy place:

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26. Die Another Day – Madonna

25. We Have All The Time In The World – Louis Armstrong

24. From Russia With Love – Matt Monroe

23. Never Say Never Again – Lani Hall

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22. Thunderball – Tom Jones

21. Another Way To Die – Alicia Keys and Jack White

20. Skyfall – Adele

19. The World Is Not Enough – Garbage

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18. A Ha – The Living Daylights

17. Under The Mango Tree – Diane Copeland

16. Licence To Kill – Gladys Knight

15. All Time High – Rita Coolidge

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14. Moonraker – Shirley Bassey

13. Goldeneye – Tina Turner

12. Tomorrow Never Dies – Sheryl Crow

11. Diamonds Are Forever – Shirley Bassey

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10. You Know My Name – Chris Cornell

9. Goldfinger – Shirley Bassey

8. The Look Of Love – Dusty Springfield

7. The Writing’s On The Wall – Sam Smith

6. The Man With The Golden Gun – Lulu

 

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5. For Your Eyes Only – Sheena Easton

4. Nobody Does It Better – Carly Simon

3. A View To A Kill – Duran Duran

2. Live And Let Die – Paul McCartney and Wings

1. You Only Live Twice – Nancy Sinatra

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So there you have it, all the major Bond songs ranked and with a couple of bonus tracks thrown in. What are your favourites? Which ones are beyond mentioning? Let us know in the comments!

Ranking The James Bond Songs # 3 -1

3. A View To A Kill (from A View To A Kill) – Duran Duran

Glorious stuff, 80s transcended, and probably the band’s best song. This one has the Bond blasts, a fast, rock oriented sound, and most importantly it has the melodies. The video is good fun too. I see that I’m picking a lot of Roger Moore film songs in the top end of the list, but then I grew up in the Moore era and many of his films my favourites. This one is super catchy and evokes plenty of moments from the film. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV4UqmbzIq4

2. Live And Let Die (from Live And Let Die) – Paul McCartney and Wings

Moore again, and McCartney partners with George Martin once more for another hit. I do feel the Guns N Roses version of this is vastly superior, but credit to the writers for creating this in the first place of course. The film always creeped me out when I was young, what with all the skulls and voodoo stuff, and the song was also able to send shivers up and down my spine. Those Bond blasts serve a duel purpose then – they are clearly supposed to call back the Bond themes of old, but are also clearly designed to scare – many moments of the song are just off enough to disturb the listener. The main riff is excellent, the song is filled with beautiful slow moments, there is a hell of a lot of chaotic moments too as instruments race and collide with one another. It’s a fantastic song all round, worthy of much more than simply being remembered as a Bond song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=784k3EEuZYA

Number 1. You Only Live Twice (from You Only Live Twice) – Nancy Sinatra

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It has been slightly sullied by Dickhead of the Century – Robbie Williams, but even his worthless mitts couldn’t truly taint this slice of perfection. My favourite Connery Bond movie has a flawless theme which opens with some of the most gorgeous strings ever recorded. The song has an ever so slight oriental feel, Sinatra gives it the full frontal performance, the guitar copies the string melody, the lyrics are possibly the best in any bond song, and it’s one of a handful whose melodies are sublime throughout. It’s elegant, epic, and just the right length. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcIl_6amBvU

There you have it, my top 3 Bond songs. I’ll write a summary post showing my picks in a single post, but for now feel free to leave your thoughts on my picks in the comments below!

Ranking The James Bond Songs # 6 – 4

6. The Man With The Golden Gun (from The Man With The Golden Gun) – Lulu
images Most people hate this one with a passion, but it’s easily one of the most catchy, fun, energetic Bond songs. It’s funky with a rock and disco manic edge, great guitars, a blistering performance by Lulu. We even get a bizarre, soft, slow brief break in the middle where Lulu does a Bassey for a few moments. I’ve never quite understood why people, or so many people despise this – it hits all the right notes in my ears. I love love love each ‘golden shot’ that she sings, great stuff.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSbj2Mx2By8

5. For Your Eyes Only (from For Your Eyes Only) – Sheena Easton

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I’ve always had a soft spot for this one, partly because it’s from one of my favourite films in the series, and partly because I’m a sucker for ballads. It may get awfully cheesy, but it still does the job for me. This one also gets deathly close to being dated due to the instrumentation. But it’s just so lovely and so tragic. The film begins with Bond visiting the grave of his dead wife, we see one of the series’ most brutal killers dispatch a number of other likeable characters, and a rare somber turn by Moore. I love the verse and bridge, but I feel the chorus vocals could have been reined in a little, or would be better with a different singer. I’d love to hear some covers of this – I’m sure I’d love it even more if sung by one of my favourite singers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN1WBgS9u_E

4. Nobody Does It Better (from The Spy Who Loved Me) – Carly Simon

Beginning like a forgotten ballad by Queen, Simon again may not have been the best choice to perform this, but aside from that it’s a superb song and close to stealing that definitive Bond song crown. Naturally Radiohead’s version is better, but the song itself it so good that you’d be hard pushed to find a bad version of it. Again it’s super sexy, I love the combination of piano and violin, and it’s one of the few Bond songs that doesn’t have the typical blasts of string and horn – and doesn’t miss them for a second. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNA7DcVppEs Radiohead bonus: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfmQe_eBvrc

Let us know below what you think of these Bond songs as I rarely see two of these in other lists of favourites.