Dark Tide

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Well. Well, that was a piece of shit, wasn’t it? I’m not usually interested in criticizing a film when it’s bad or ripping it to shreds for comedy purposes, but when I’ve already stated that I watch a lot of bad, deliberately bad shark movies, and a lot of low budget, made for TV shark movies with the worst CG this side of me and Microsoft Paint, to say this is worse than those should be everything you need to know.

Halle Berry stars as Kate, a shark whisperer who likes to free dive with Great Whites. Fair enough. I don’t think she’s necessarily miscast and I usually like her, but she has no business being in this film beyond being as a vanity project for her and her husband and co-star Olivier Martinez. Note – I had no idea they were married or together or anything until my wife told me. Note – Olivier Martinez has never been good in anything. Ever. Some other people are in it – doesn’t matter. They are married in the movie and are making self-involved ‘movies’ about swimming with sharks, which involves jumping into the ocean and tugging on their fins. I… I sense something might be about to go wrong. Yes, Quarrel is gobbled by a shark and we flash-forward 12 months to see that Kate is… continuing like nothing ever happened. She doesn’t make the movies anymore and she doesn’t see her husband, but she’s still out on the water, now giving tours which isn’t bringing in much money. Her husband appears on the scene again with an offer to take some billionaire out on a special tour so he can swim with the sharks like she used to. I… I sense something might be about to go wrong…

This movie cost $25 million. Here are some things which could have been done with $25 million instead of making this movie:

Donate to Shark Preservation charities

Donate to me

Go to Space with you and all your friends

Buy your own island (and shoot your own shitty movies there)

Hire a hundred teachers

Buy 25 MRI machines

But 10 CAT machines

Give a hell of a lot of starving people a hell of a lot of food and water

Give a hell of a lot of homeless people a hell of a lot of shelter

I don’t know… a bunch of monkeys to play with.

Yet they decided to go ahead and make Dark Tide. I honestly have no idea why or how this was released in its current state. Filmed in 2010 it flapped around until a limited release in 2012 – clearly no-one (rightly) had any clue what to do with it and decided just to chuck it out there and maybe get a few bucks back on their investment. It is a completely incoherent mess. Halle Berry’s character, we assume is supposed to be traumatized by the death of her friend, yet spends the whole movie smiling and joking like she’s parading down a red carpet. She has spent a year away from swimming with sharks, but dives on in with zero hesitation or post traumatic stress. The wife of the guy who was killed at the start – far from blaming the sheer stupidity of her husband and Berry’s character, she just shrugs it off like ‘meh, he lived his life like he wanted – being eaten’. Berry is meant to be estranged from her husband, has removed his number from her phone, and hasn’t seen him in a year, yet spends the entire film flirting with and fondling him like they’re horny teens on their first date; even though he’s a complete dick the entire time. Later she finally comes to her senses and decides that no, they’re not going to take their clearly falling to pieces ship into the most shark invested part of the world and let some asshole swim outside a cage with sharks, only for the husband to slap her around about, to which SHE apologizes for, and then goes ahead and takes them to dive with the sharks.

Oh, we’re not finished folks. There’s a scene – a completely irrelevant scene early in the movie which… I have not idea why it exists. It sets up a bunch of shady characters who seem to be going poaching? They’re in a dodgy van, they go to a stretch of water, then go diving for oysters, or abalone, or doubloons or something. Right, so these are bad guys and they’re going to show up later and attack Berry’s boat or Berry will have to save them from being eaten. Nope, we see them swim around the water for a minute and then… nothing? They are never seen again, there is no mention of them again, they aren’t attacked? No idea. The dead guy’s wife is apparently psychic, calling the coastguard to tell them that she ‘knows something has gone wrong’ on Berry’s boat and to get a search party out there. It’s okay, she isn’t seen again either. There’s a 10 minute stretch where Berry takes a random family out on a trip – so these guys are going to get attacked and eaten? Nope, she just takes them out, comes back, and then takes out the next group who do get attacked. It’s almost like they filmed the first family and decided they weren’t interesting enough to spend the rest of the film with, but we’ve filmed the scenes so we may as well keep them in the movie.

Oh yeah, the boat keeps breaking – in the character’s own words beyond repair – then is suddenly fixed and working in the next scene. This happens more than once. Every character without fail has zero motivation for anything that happens or anything they do, everybody apparently hates everyone else yet spend most of their time joking and giggling. Berry’s character can hold her breath… forever? She’s down in that water as day turns to night, comes up for a quick puff, and then heads down again for a few hours. There’s a storm coming and their boat is already broken but why the hell shouldn’t they keep going for an hour and a half into the storm and further from shore to get to the sharks. Hell, it’s not like they could go home and come back the next day. They go out to an area which has literally hundreds of seals swimming around after telling us that sharks can’t resists seals. Then they get on the boat and say there are no sharks around so they tie a carboard seal to the back of the boat, drive forward a few yards, and lo and behold a shark attacks the fake seal? Eh? Why would it go for thi, and not one of the other thousand or so real seals around it? But wait – actually, it was a real seal the shark attacked because they put the cardboard on back on the boat, intact. So the fake one is used to attract sharks in an area full of real seals and make them attack the real ones? But wait – the footage of the shark attacking the seal is actually a fairly famous real-life clip of a shark attack that they edited into the movie. Believe me, I’m only scratching the surface here? Not a single moment passes in this movie without something entirely implausible, nonsensical, ridiculous, or pointless happening, completely without explanation.

As I said, it’s not like me to go harping on about a film’s shortcomings as I know how much effort and collaboration, and work goes into making a film to the extent that it’s almost a miracle anything ever gets made. But seriously, how did this ever see the light of day? Director John Stockwell seems to have a fetish for bikini clad women or deep blue seas, having also unleashed Blue Crush, Into The Blue, and the as yet to be imagined Blue Smurfs Have A Blue Old Time Playing The Blues In Blue Blue Sea (Part Blue). The film has a couple of things going for it – good underwater photography in places, and the use of actual sharks. Why bother choosing this over something on the Discovery Channel then? For the chumps being chomped of course, but unfortunately we only get that once in the opening five minutes, and briefly in the final ten. Everything else in between is completely bewildering. Anyway, I’ve watched quite a few shark movies recently but this is the first I just had to write about and publish immediately (having watched it last night). More shark movie reviews to come, and as not great as those movies were, I’d easily recommend those over this.

Let us know in the comments what you thought of Dark Tide, especially if you’re one of those weirdos who actually enjoyed it.

Ranking The Bond Women – The Majors

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Finally we reach the climax of our sordid affair (revisit Part One and Two here). Pop! Below are the most famous Bond girls with the biggest, juiciest parts. The women which all the men want to be with, the ones which fans remember most fondly, and the ones which have kept many a teenage boy warm and wet on a cold winter’s night. I hope you’ve saved some energy for the final push. Here we go. Here we GO. HERE WEEE GOOOOOO!!!!!

41. Tiffany Case – Diamonds Are Forever

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What can I say – I just don’t like Jill St John. At least not here, where her face, hair, voice, and running around all piss me off. Jill St John has also appeared in The Lost World, Tender Is The Night, and a bunch of other stuff.

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40. Fatima Blush – Never Say Never Again

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A general WTF, this mauling of Fione Vulpe from Thunderball is a sadomasochist who enjoys the kill in a way Xenia Onotopp would later perfect. There’s so much wrong with the movie that is’s not a shock that this character is a bit of a mess – failing to kill Bond in ever more outlandish ways. Before he blows her up. With a pen. leaving just her smoking shoes behind. Having said that, Barbara Carrera has a real go at the role, and even bizarrely earned a Golden Globe nomination for it. She appeared in some notable movies and TV shows through the 70s and 80s, including The Island Of Dr Moreau, and Lone Wolf McQuade but has since retired as an actress.

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39. Magda – Octopussy

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A lead henchwoman of Kamal Khan, she helps him at the various auctions for the Faberge eggs. She starts out in the traditional route by trying to seduce Bond, but unlike most she succeeds in her ulterior motive. However, she takes a 180 turn in the end, switching sides to eventually helping Bond. A little too stern for my tastes though, but she does kick ass pretty effectively. Magda is the former Miss Scandanavia Kristina Wayborn’s most famous role, but she has also shown up in shows like Airwolf and Baywatch. 

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38. Miranda Frost – Die Another Day

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Ah yes, the old ‘Olympic medalist turned MI6 agent turned turncoat’ shtick. In a better film she would make a much more interesting character, but… but. You all know Rosamund Pike so I don’t need to tell you about her – she’s fine in the role, a little bland, too cold, and doesn’t do anything to make her stick out in the upper echelons of Bond girls.

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37. Christmas Jones – The World Is Not Enough

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She doesn’t come only once a year. Heh. Hum. Yeah, she’s hot. Denise Richards.

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36. Strawberry Fields – Quantum Of Solace

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Another case of an interesting character given bland treatment. I’m not the biggest fan of Gemma Arterton anyway, and nothing she does in this film changes that fact. Still, the character is interesting, and she does help Bond, and she does of course end up dead, but we don’t get to care enough about her to make Bond’s revenge any more engaging. Arterton’s rise was very quick, appearing in her first movie shortly after graduating, and becoming a Bond girl a year after that. She has also appeared in the St Trinian’s series, Clash Of The Titans, and The Girl With All The Gifts.

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35. Rosie Carver – Live And Let Die

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Everyone hates Rosie Carver, right? Terribly annoying, sells Bond out, spends most of the movie screeching, then freaks out in a potentially culturally insensitive scene. She’s high though because she is memorable, or because she appears in memorable scenes – her death scene is hilarious. Gloria Hendry has remained active over the years, appearing in many famous Blaxploitation movies in the 70s and the odd comedy or horror up to present day.

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34. Plenty O’Toole – Diamonds Are Forever

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Maybe the Bond Girl who is least remembered out of all those with a truly memorable name, Plenty represents the worst of the series’ treatment of women. It is made clear she is only interested in money, attaching herself to various men in various casinos. Bond doesn’t give a shit about her, she’s thrown out of a window, she’s jealous and possibly manic, and then she is drowned. What was the point? Lana Wood is still very active today, having seemingly retired in the mid 80s after appearing in many hit TV shows from the 60s onwards. You’ll know her from Peyton Place and even as a child in The Searchers. 

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33. Madeleine Swann – Spectre

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A combination of good actress, beauty, and good character ensure Swann makes a strong Bond girl. She’s the sort of estranged daughter of the villain Mr White, and she is intelligent and self-sufficient. There’s just something missing, either in the performances or the character or the story that keeps her from being a personal favourite. She doesn’t feel conflicted enough. I’ll need to watch the movie again and see if she moves up the list, but for now this is where she stands. Lea Seydoux is one of Europe’s biggest stars currently, after giving notable performances in a variety of blockbusters and critically acclaimed movies such as Ghost Protocal, Blue Is The Warmest Colour, and The Grand Budapest Hotel. 

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32. Severine – Skyfall

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The latest in the long line of tragic Bond girls, Severine starts out helping the bad guys. Dark, sultry, seemingly evil, it isn’t long before she sides with Bond. We all know what that means folks, as within a few scenes she is beaten, bloodied, tied up, and then shot in the head. She is there to make Silva seem all the more evil and cold-hearted, but she makes enough of an impact in the movie that we feel her loss. The film continues without a traditional Bond Girl. Berenice Marlohe came to acting quite late, making her first appearance at 28 and known mostly for French TV before appearing in Skyfall, though she will also be in Terence Malick’s Weightless.

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31. Camille – Quantum Of Solace

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Camille, and Quantum Of Solace, suffers by following Casino Royale and Vesper. Fans were clamoring for a direct sequel and ending to that story, but instead get led into more questions, tangents, and less interesting characters. Camille gets a powerful back story and is one of those characters who could see having their own spin-off  – she is strong, resourceful, and bent on revenge – she also doesn’t submit to Bond’s magic dong. Unlike previous movies and Bond girls she doesn’t get any standout scenes, although I need to revisit the movie to see if my feelings have changed. Olga Kurylenko is another former model who began a string of action movie appearances after giving notable performances in French Cinema, and can be seen in Hitman, Seven Psychophaths, and Oblivion. 

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30. Elektra King – The World Is Not Enough

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Elektra is someone who deserved a more nuanced and exciting film. She is a central villain, but for much of the movie garners our sympathy as she appears to be a victim of torture. Of course it turns out she had a perfect upbringing, born into wealth and fame but eventually betraying her family and joining Renard as terrorist partners. Even after killing her, Bond appears to feel bad. Sophie Marceau first appeared on screen as a teenager, quickly picking up higher profile roles and eventually appearing in Braveheart and Anna Karenina.

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29. Jinx – Die Another Day

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It’s Halle Berry, yo, and she’s one of the few respectable parts of Die Another Day. Like every other part of the movie, she is infected by camp – bad dialogue, knowing smirks, and other assorted shite, but still – it’s Halle Berry yo.

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28 – Holly Goodhead – Moonraker

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As it was the late 70s, those crazy women took it upon themselves to infiltrate all manner of male-oriented jobs, eventually leading the fight to Outer Space. Goodhead is a match for Bond in all departments, outdoing him in the brains department. Not that any of this stops him from attempting re-entry (or rear entry as I like to imagine Q saying). Bond and Goodhead fight and escape from Jaws and a variety of other henchmen all over the world only to find themselves in Space, having to to it all again. Goodhead is good in a fairly bad movie. Lois Chiles had appeared in a string of hits during the 70s before making Moonraker, and although she wouldn’t have the same successes in later years, she continues to appear in high profiles works such as Dallas and Broadcast News. 

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27. Andrea Anders  – The Man With The Golden Gun.

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It’s Maud Adams again, and it’s yet another tragic Bond girl death. The mistress of Scaramanga, she wants Bond to kill Scaramanga so that she can escape his clutches. As is almost always the case, Bond gets what he needs but the villain discovers the betrayal and the girl dies. It’s another iconic death scene as Bond chats to Anders for a few moments not realizing she has already been shot and killed in front of thousands.

26. Teresa Di Vicenzo – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

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I imagine many people would have this character much higher on their list than I have placed her. She is one of the more important Bond girls, given how she and Bond actually get married. But this is Bond we’re talking about, so we all know how that marriage will end. She’s not as high on my list as the character simply isn’t interesting or memorable enough – certainly not to the extent that I would see Bond wanting to settle down with her – it just doesn’t come across as convincing to me. Diana Rigg is good in the role – you’ll know her from The Avengers and Game Of Thrones.

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25. Aki – You Only Live Twice

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Aki and Suzuki from You Only Live Twice have always been interesting to me. Although Aki gets a great death, I’ve always thought that her character should have been merged with Kissy Suzuki; if that had happened she would have been one of the finest Bond women and Bond characters. Aki shows herself to be a strong agent and saves Bond from death on more than one occasion. She was played by Akiko Wakabayashi, a veteran of Godzilla and other Toho monster movies.

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24. Fiona Vulpe – Thunderball

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Another early femme fatale for Bond to deal with, Volpe is particularly skilled and bloodthirsty, killing her own team members as punishment. Ironically she is later killed by one of her own when Bond spins her into the path of an oncoming bullet. She is played by Italian actress Luciana Paluzzi who has made mostly Italian movies such as The Venetian Affair but also appears in US films like The Greek Tycoon.

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23. Domino Petachi/Derval – Thunderball/Never Say Never Again

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The character of Domino doesn’t differ enough between the two movies to warrant two separate entries. Domino doesn’t merely sit around waiting to be rescued and sexed, she helps Bond investigate, fight, and it is her who brings down the big bad. You all know Kim Basinger, while Claudine Auger has continued a successful European career throughout the 60s, 70s, and 80s in movies like Sons Of Satan and Lovers And Liars. 

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22. Sylvia Trench – Dr No/From Russia With Love

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The original Bond girl – before Honey Ryder, before Miss Moneypenny, Sylvia Trench was the booty call Bond kept on speed dial between missions. She never had much screen time and as the series progressed and Moneypenny was introduced, Trench disappeared without subsequent mention – presumably she was shot, fell into a shark infested lava pit, and had her remains scattered to piranha. Or she got a mid-management job in Tesco. Eunice Gayson appeared in British TV ad movies such as The Saint and The Revenge Of Frankenstein but gave it all up in the early 70s.

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21. Tatiana Romanova – From Russia With Love

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Bond’s drilling stick does its stuff early on in the series, as it repeatedly turns foes into fuck buddies, and Tatiana Romanova is no exception. An agent of SPECTRE, she is basically forced into making a sex tape with him so that the British Secret Service look like…. faded rock stars? I don’t know, the details are a bit fuzzy. Who know how it ends though, one shake of Bond’s magic wang and she betrays her bosses and kills Rosa Klebb. She’s pretty hot for an early Bond girl too, so that’s good. Daniela Bianchi was a ballet dancer, then model, then actress in mostly Italian movies, but retired in 1970.

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20. Octopussy – Octopussy

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When the movie is named after you, you’d better be spectacular, and when you have a name like that, you’d better be suitably protected to block the advances of eight Donald Trumps. We’ve covered Maud Adams already in our list yet she deserves special credit for appearing in three separate Bond movies. She’s high on the list because she’s very good in the role and because Octopussy is an important character. She is further away from my taste in Bond girls than most though, and because of that I can’t rate her any higher. The movie isn’t that great either which doesn’t help, but still – Adams is a Bond legend.

19. Lisl Von Schlaf – For Your Eyes Only

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I’ve often said For Your Eyes Only is one of the most emotional Bond films, and not merely because of what happens on screen. Lisl Von Shlaf surrenders to Bond in the film, and is of course killed later (by The Dove), but in real life actress Cassandra Harris was married to one Pierce Brosnan at the time of filming. She was instrumental in getting her husband cast as Bond, although she would never live to see it – dying after a long battle with cancer in 1991, making her appearance and performance all the more poignant now. She isn’t in the movie for very long but always made an impact on me, possibly accentuated by how much I love the film.

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18. Pam Bouvier – License To Kill

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MRS BOUVIER!!! Yeah, I can’t read that name without thinking of old Abe Simpson. One of the most active Bond girls, she is a pilot and is handy with a gun, so I should love her but sorry people, I just can’t get too enamoured by short hair. Yep, short hair does nothing for me, and as at least half of this list is based on sleaze I half (have) to be hairsh (harsh). I generally like the performance, but she does feel a little too sulky or pouty or something. Sporting the short hair is Carey Lowell, another model turned actress who has since retired – you may know her from Sleepless In Seattle or Law And Order. 

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17. Stacey Sutton – A View To A Kill

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While we’re on the subject of things that don’t do it for me, the old blonde bombshell or ditzy routine leaves me cold (flaccid). There are a few exceptions, which my wife always mocks me for, and while Stacey Sutton is not one of those exceptions, I have a lot of time, patience, and appreciation for her than most and no-one is more surprised than me. Tanya Roberts is just hot here, there’s no getting away from it. Stacey Sutton may be regarded as the most annoying Bond girl of the lot, and it isn’t difficult to see why with all the ‘oh James’ and the more screechy ‘ARGHH JAMES!’ variant passing her lips regularly. I’m not sure of Roberts was meant to be playing the role in such a way, but she has a lot of screen time and is hot for most of it. Maybe I feel bad for Tanya Roberts – always getting roles in crap movies, cult movies, or just missing on on the big credits – you’ll have seen her in Charlie’s Angles, That 70s Show,  Beastmaster, and the epic Bodyslam. 

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16. Pussy Galore – Goldfinger

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Many see Pussy Galore as the definitive Bond girl, and many see Goldfinger as the definitive Bond film. Both are understandable. People forget though that she spends a large part of the movie as a villain, acting as Goldfinger’s pilot. She does turn later on, though this is a grey area as she doesn’t succumb to Bond’s advances and it is implied that she is gay. I like Honor Blackman, but I think this is down to her raw sexiness and energy rather than any sort of physical attraction – based on appearance only she is another Bond girl who does nothing for me. But the name, the performance, and the iconic status ensure she is high on this list. Blackman has been acting since the 40s and is still going now, known for The Upper Hand, Jason And The Argonauts, and Cockneys Vs Zombies.

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15. Kara Milovy – The Living Daylights

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After quite a few ‘not to my tastes’, up pops Kara (played by Maryam d’Abo) who is definitely much more up my street. Kara is a musician who Bond ‘rescues’ and they spend most of the movie together. She is neither a complete damsel in distress, nor a fearless warrior but she proves herself to be capable at both helping and harming Bond, and surviving. It’s good to see Bond girls get this much screen time and attention as the relationships formed feel more interesting. Kara would unusually be the last blonde main Bond girl until Spectre. d’Abo is a British model and actress who missed out on appearing in A View To A Kill but has also appeared in Dorian Gray and Xtro. 

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14. Honey Ryder – Dr No

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The original and best? Well.. yes and no. She is technically the first Bond girl (what about me, Miss Trench?) and she does have that iconic entrance, and she is pretty hot and appears independent and strong. She just isn’t that deep of a character and aside from a few moments she spends most of the movie being dragged along by Connery. In fact, she isn’t even in most of the movie, appearing only halfway through. Still, Ursula Andress in 1962 was one of the most desirable women on the planet and the combination of looks, iconic imagery, and history ensure she is high on my list.

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13. Paris Carver – Tomorrow Never Dies

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I’ve never really been into Teri Hatcher, but I always liked her on Superman and later on Desperate Housewives. It stands to reason then that she would appear quite high on my list of favourite Bond girls. She’s another secondary Bond girl and doesn’t have too many minutes of screen time, but she does make an impact – maybe it’s a mix of the music too as anytime I think of her that violin music pops up in my head too. She is an old flame of Bond – someone that it seemed he was genuinely in love with once, but he abandoned her as he couldn’t afford to have someone close to him in his line of work. She is now married to the big bad – you know the drill by now – Bond meets her again, luvin’, she gets killed, revenge, roll credits. I do like every scene she is in though, short as they may be.

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12. Mary Goodnight – The Man With The Golden Gun

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Yeah, not the most useful character and the epitome of the dumb blond ‘save me, James’ archetype, Goodnight was nevertheless played by Britt Ekland – if Britt Ekland isn’t on your list of top hottest anythings then I have serious trouble believing you’re an actual person. She is sexually frustrated by Bond throughout the movie while she in turn sexually frustrates every single person watching as she spends most of the movie in various bikini states. The character is apparently not as useless in the books, and appears in multiple different stories. Britt Ekland has appeared in many classic and not so classic movies including The Wicker Man, Get Carter, and The Monster Club. 

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11. Lupe Lamora – License To Kill

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With the odd exception now we are into the Bond girls now that I both love the most and get the hornies for. Lupe Lamora is the other Bond girl from License To Kill, the mysterious, and desirable kept wife of the main bad guy – Sanchez. She is sort of unique in that, even though she betrays her man by helping Bond, she isn’t killed – she has wiles and strength and independence, and she doesn’t get it on with Bond. At the end of the movie Bond picks Bouvier over her – rather him than me. Talisa Soto is easily one of the hottest Bond girls and she is another model/actress who has rarely hit the heights of film fame after her Bond appearance, but she did feature in the Mortal Kombat series.

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10. Naomi – The Spy Who Loved Me

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It’s something you’ll see a few times in this top ten – female Bond villains. How can anyone argue against Naomi or Caroline Munro. She is stunning, more than a little dirty looking – whatever the hell that means – smart, and happens to be pure evil. She never turns from the dark side, never gets spurted by Bond’s magical love juice, and she gets an epic death. Munro gives a wicked performance, and spends a lot of time in a bikini. She is notable for also appearing in Casino Royale (The sixties version) and has appeared in some of my favourite cult movies – you may know her from The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad and Gameshow 3-2-1. 

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9. Wai Lin – Tomorrow Never Dies

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The undisputed badass Bond Girl, Michelle Yeoh’s Wai Lin is a better fighter than Bond and just as capable as an agent, proving to be an indispensable ally. After some early mistrust between the two ,they realise they are essentially on the same mission and join forces, complementing each other well and having only playful hints of attraction. It would have been great to see a spin-off series featuring Wai Lin – basically a Chinese 007, but this never happened and was probably never considered. Michelle Yeoh is of course an all round badass, as seen in everything from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and its sequel, to Sunshine and the Police Story series. She’s also incredibly hot, intelligent, does her own stunts, and could destroy anyone reading this.

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8. Kissy Suzuki – You Only Live Twice

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As mentioned earlier, I think it would have been more interesting if Aki and Kissy were merged into one character. Kissy is another strong and capable ally for Bond, helping him investigate Blofeld’s base and eventually getting stuck in during the epic ninja battle at the end. It goes without saying that she’s sexy, but it’s that ability to hold her own that ensures the high spot. Mie Hama had already and later went on to star in a bunch of Japanese movies before apparently retiring in 1989 and becoming a cultural ambassador.

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7. May Day – A View To A Kill

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Another villain, and easily one of the toughest, most recognizable Bond girls of the bunch. I can’t say that I’ve ever been attracted to Mayday, but there’s no getting away from the fact that she’d snap you in two and that she appears to be just as strong and dangerous as Bond. She does die in the end after kind of changing sides when she sees how truly psychotic Zorin is, but by that point she has killed several people. She gets a heroic death of sorts, her final words being a request for Bond to get Zorin – in her way she is just as iconic as Honey Ryder. Grace Jones is a model, actress, artist, and musician, having great success in all fields.

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6. Anya Amasova – The Spy Who Loved Me

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Bond has met a few capable women in his time, women who are just as good at their job as he is – quite a few of them in this top ten. Anya may be the best of these – basically a KGB, female version of 007. Agent XXX blames Bond for her boyfriend’s death (he did kill her) and their relationship is tense in the opening moments, with her knowing much of his history and frequently getting the upper-hand. Later they are instructed to work together for the common goal and they flirt by trying to out-perform each other in their mutual tasks. Amasova is a terrific Bond Girl and even though we know Bond is the star and that she will eventually fall into his arms, we know that she has been, and will again be out there doing her own thang.

Barbara Bach is easily one of the hottest Bond women but gave up on acting shortly after marrying Mr Ringo Starr, though you may have also seen her in Force 10 From Navarone.

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5. Solitaire – Live And Let Die

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Jane Seymour is one of the hottest women ever, nevermind being a Bond Girl. Solitaire is a pretty unique character in the Bondverse too, a psychic virgin and kept woman of the voodoo businessman Dr Kananga. Dutifully, Bond takes her virginity and her magic powers, rendering her both useless and untrustworthy to Kananga, but it’s a mystery why any of his henchmen didn’t ‘have a go’ first – that Tee-Hee fella looks the type. After all that she does become a typical damsel in distress who Bond must rescue, but she’s just so damn pretty that I don’t care. Seymour is well cast and while she doesn’t really show off many of her acting talents, we would see those later in the likes of Dr Quinn, and Battlestar Galactica.

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4. Melina Havlock – For Your Eyes Only

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Melina gets a lot of stick. From idiots. Now that we’ve cleared that up, in terms of hotness there are few higher than her in my sick and unnecessary gauge. Dark, mysterious, sultry, what more could you want? Melina wants revenge for the death of her father and is fiercely determined to complete this mission, much to the annoyance of Bond. The two eventually team up and take down the bad guys together, and then do what Bond does best. Carole Bouquet (not bucket) went on to star in a tonne of movies and series, mostly European including Too Beautiful For You and the – wait, there’s a TV remake of Rosemary’s Baby!? WTF.

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3. Xenia Onotopp – Goldeneye

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Straight up, with a twist. That’s kind of all you need to know. Onotopp is simply joyous, and who wouldn’t want to have their final moments being crushed to death between those thighs? Dark, brooding, sexy, and with a comical sexual appetite which dwarf’s Bonds, Onotopp is a psychotic killer who enjoys nothing more than mowing down innocents with her gun. Bond barely escapes with his nuts and life intact after several confrontations with her, and she’s another villain that you don’t really want to see killed because she’s so much fun. Famke Janssen’s electrifying performance ensured that she would have a huge Hollywood career appearing in the XMen and Taken franchises among others.

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2. Natalya Simyonova – Goldeneye

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Ah Natalya, surely a favourite of any geek. Clever, funny, handy enough in a fight, and sweet jeebus wouldn’t you know she’s hotter than a Severnaya Sauna. She is the only survivor of the Janus attack in Siberia (well, unless you count Boris as a survivor too), she escapes certain death a second time, this time with Bond and the two work together to stop Sean Bean’s maniacal ramblings. Natalya is one of the few Bond girls to truly get under Bond’s skin referring to his ‘it’s what keeps me alive’ with ‘it’s what keeps you alone’. She’s another character who I would have loved seeing again and could imagine Bond giving up his other life for. Izabella Scorupco is another model who has tried her hand successfully at music and movies, appearing also in Vertical Limit and Reign Of Fire.

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  1. Vesper Lynd – Casino Royale

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Quite frankly, anyone who doesn’t put Vesper as their number one Bond Girl is a moron. She’s number one is every respect, she just is. Oh look  – dark, sultry, mysterious – is it any wonder she’s top of my list? She’s also an equal to Bond in the flirting stakes and she is the one that he does appear to want to throw it all away for. You know what happens to those women though, don’t you? Her death was the impetus for later Bond movies and it had such an impact in Casino Royale that the resolution to that whole story as played out in later films has been, well, crap. I want full-on, badass, revenge mode Bond, but we never get that.

One of, if not the most important reason that Vesper is number one is down to Eva Green’s performance. Aside from obviously being gorgeous (and thank God we’re at the end of this thing so that I can stop feeling dirty by lowering myself to such base interests) her performance is superb, easily worthy of an Oscar nod and towers above most performances in the series, Bond girl or otherwise. Green is easily one of the best actors in work today, as seen here and in The Dreamers and Penny Dreadful.

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There you have it – an exhaustive list of breast and other bits. You can go off now, clean yourself up, and then come back and let us know in the comments who your favourites are!

Die Another Day

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Easily, by far the worst Bond film yet, truly awful, with almost nothing going for it. What turned out to be Brosnan’s last Bond film this should have been much better, but right from the start we were dreading it would turn out like this.

Let’s see where they went wrong- Plot: Tries to be smart, ends up making little sense. A blatant attempt at pandering to today’s younger audiences, and succumb to the modern definition of cool. This involves retro stuff- nods to past films, updated technology, stupid looking cars and modern music etc. This may have always been the way with the series, but here it just goes too far and ends up looking horrendous. Script- Nothing but innuendo. Nothing. No attempt at anything else, more akin to a Carry On movie than a Bond movie. Music- Madonna’s ‘song’ is the worst Bond song ever, by a long way. Bad Guys- Some guy who fences, and some other guy with a strange face. Neither pose any threat, neither seem evil, not worthy of a spot in Eastenders. Girls-Madonna’s pointless cameo further reduces her status to inglorious levels, once an interesting artist, now some woman you would avoid on the street. Halle Berry as Jinx, yes she’s pretty, but an average actress, flavour of the month, and a very weak character obviously created in the hope of a spin off. She is apparently a strong female character because she knows how to kick people, use a gun and show off her body-well done, i’m sure intelligent women around the world are enamoured by her. Miranda Frost- instantly forgettable character and Pike’s performance is pretty bad too, hamming up the terrible dialogue. She is only there so Bond can have a ‘steamy’ scene. Stunts, action, gadgets- Probably the best part, there are plenty of set pieces, and the intro is pretty good. But some dodgy CG, combined with the other faults mean the experience of watching is hollow, we do not feel any excitement or tension. All that remains is a series of explosions flashing in front of our already switched off minds.

So, where to now for Bond? Rumours of a younger reincarnation did the rounds after this film- that would have surely brought in tonnes of cash, but would probably mean more teen fluff. Contrary to what many believe, Bond is a character of great depth and emotion, he is not just a guy who shags women and saves the world. He is a haunted, lonely figure, at odds with himself and his actions, with a tragic past, but the fact he must do his job means he will never escape. Remember Goldeneye?- Bond-‘It’s what keeps me alive’, Natalya- ‘No, it’s what keeps you alone’. We see nothing of the real Bond in this attempt at a film. Only Cleese, Dench etc rescue it slightly.

I tend not to write negative reviews here, as I do not want to spend any time writing about things I dislike (as I will have already wasted time watching, reading, or listening to it in ther first place) but as I am reviewing all of the Bond films I had to bring myself to typing this. The film-makers needed to seriously rethink what they have done here, and what they should do to this much loved character in the future. Luckily, they succeeded with the brilliant Casino Royale. This however, is a hideous film by any standards- an overly camp mess devoid of structure, a kick in the face of the franchise, and more like a straight to DVD action film starring Big Brother rejects.

I only give this 2 stars because the extra features are good, although strangely they are inferior to the 1 disc Special Edition. It seems the disease caused by the film has spread to the DVD.

Feel free to comment on the movie and the review- was I too harsh and is this one of the better Bonds of recent times? Check out my other Bond reviews in the DVD section.