Carry On Dick: You have a large penis!

Hi. This is a continuation of the ‘popular’ British sitcom from the 60s- ‘Dicks’ and features a crossover with The Royal Shakespeare Company’s successful series of carrion films. ‘Dicks’ was about a group of rather annoying lads living on a typical council estate in England (Chelsea) who spend their time drinking Buckfast and standing on your garden causing a general nuisance, whilst Carry On follows a group of rather annoying people who are variously horny and who get into assorted scrapes which result in all manner of doobla entendres. There were so many episodes of this series that I’m not sure which one this one was about, so I’ll just ‘Carry On’ and see what happens- ha ha!(Dick)

In this one, our heroes have just returned from a sexy camping trip in Skegness and the men are well and truly spent, having satisfied their wicked urges- Rick James satisfied his urge with Baps Windsor, Kenneth Wimyams satisfied his urge with his self, Franklin Howard satisfied his urge all over Joan (the) Sims, whilst the thin, sickly one satisfied himself on an upturned tent spike- Arrgh Matron! Suffice it to say, the man are in no need for any more sordid incidents, but the women, having only had their arousals roused, need more- hence the title. They wish to Carry On, but the men can’t stands no more and the men’s little men can’t stands at all. The women have heard that there are rather frisky, impure, rather annoying men in a local council estate, so they make their merry way round the corner in search of the Dicks to satisfy themselves. For ease of reference, I have made a list of some of the Dicks:

Simon Cowell, Chad Kruegger (Freddy’s brother from Nicklesack), the ones from the US Spin Off- Jersy Shore, Alec Fergison, et all.

There are many other Dicks in this episode such as Jimmy (I’ll) Nail (ye) and (St.) Nicholas Lindhurts who appeared in the original series, and suffice it to say, all of them end up giving and receiving mouth gifts in the final forty minute lurgee scene. In the end, Sid Jims and crew turn up realizing that their women have absconded and squeeze all the Dicks between their hands until they pop. It was quite a violent end and suffice it to say, it was the penultimate and final episode in the series before the last few new episodes began daily over the next few years.

Best Scene: Once again, the screen writers created a wonderful ensemble of character names, such as Gloria Stitz, Clint Oris, Hugh Jukok, Ian Us, Simon Cowell, Slapt Ass, Anne O’Gasim, Phil McCracken, Dougie Style, Tug Mashlong, and of course the triplets- Suk Mi, Phuk Mi, and Dave.

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

This is a glorious documentary based entirely on my youth and the youths of all my friends when we were youthy. Back then I was a rock and metal fan, and on top of those geological pursuits, we were massive music fans- rock and metal to be pacific. It was a funny time so we spent our days laughing at all the funny. We were young, free, and in school, goofing off from 9 till 3, then going on crazy adventures from 3 till bed time. Activities included rolling down hills, listening to music, watching NewJackCity, pretending we were Policecops and stopping cars in the middle of the road, going to the market on Saturdays to annoy Clive the vegetable, Jim the Barber, and Cole the tramp. Presumably, you all did these things also in your youth so you’ll understand my thought meanings. We would host sleep-overs in each others houses where we would stay up late to watch Beavis And Butthead. We laughed at the antics, ha ha; we guffawed at the adverts, ha ha; we headbung to the music, ha ha; we threw stones at that twat Brendan from our secret hiding place (behind him), hardy ha.

The Beavis and Butthead movie conveys an exciting trip across the strange and foreign land of America, in search of demi-Moore (half woman, half breast), and Bruce Willies. On the way they meet an old harlot, a bunch of chumps, their future selves, take the famous drug ‘Coyote’, and end off in Las Vegas, home of Elvis Prestly. They laugh at a dunkey doing a toilet, they laugh at town names (Portavogie), and they get chased by the FCBIS. Beavis also has a few Jeffries in Hank Hill’s caravan. This is an accurate vision of teen life in the 19nineTees as I can remember travelling, laughing, and boob looking too.

Best Scene: When they call Harry Sachs and tell him that he sucks and then he sends buttwoman round to attack Stuart who is at the Mall spitting onto shoppers with his Chinese friend.

Arguably the most important movie moment of the 20th Century

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Wet Dream

Well, spank mine innards! This is a delightful romp, a camp caper full of rumps. This song is the presequel to A Nightmare on Elim Street 1: First Blood and sees our hero infiltrating a local gay bar. You see, when he was first alive, Freddy was Bi-interested and would often parade in his finery to the gay light district, flaunting his stuff on the steamiest dancefloors, punting his groin into the sweaty darkness of the dankest dives in the hope of encountering some forbidden taboo naughtiness. Unfortunately for him he was tri-ugly and his idea of catwalk strutting flawlessness was an old strippy woolen jumper- hey man! This was the 80s, the height of fashions, and everyone worth a penny knew that jumpers were out, and that pockets sewn in place of zips on pants, and helmets were in! Poor Freddy! He only wanted to fit in, but even those on the sweet fringes of society would not have him. So much so in fact that they pinned him down one night in the Blue Oyster Bar, poured gallons of Buckfast into his orifi and set him alight. ‘Now you ARE a flamer, now you ARE a flamer, NoW you are A flamER!’ they chant in the thrilling opening sequence. As if he wasn’t dead enough by this point, they proceed to beckon down a giant disco ball and crush his charred remains with it. As the ash and bone merges with the sprinkles and light from the glowing orb, the music builds and we get a classic opening credits sequence which has become the hallmark of the series.

Duran Dooran supply yet another smash hit with their epic 2 and a half minuter ‘Dance Into The Nightmare’. The band cavort over each other whilst naked young nubiles are shown in fleeting glimpses on a shadowy canvas, watermarked by images of guns and glasses of Martini. ‘Dance! Into the nightmare! You run away- but you are gay! Dance! Into the nightmare! A spinny splenge- it is Freddy’s Revenge!’

We then get stuck into the veg of the story. A young boy has just moved into the town and has noticed that curiously all the other children are dead and/or missing. It takes him 3 weeks of school to realize this but then it was the 80s and everyone was drunk on cokecane. The boy is a sexually charged young lad and wants to check out the scene, man. One night he enters (lol) a bar (lol) and witness the leather clad beardos with fervour. Soon he is dancing but the other patrons eye him suspiciousedly. One (who you may recognize from the intro) takes him into the toilets, and while they strip and begin to bang each other rather painfully against the stall door, tells the boy to never come back because the town has a terrible secret that could threaten to kill them all. Before the boy can answer, the man squeezes him down the toilet and flushes. The boy wakes up coughing in a duck pond near his home and decides to investigate. After discovering that the previous year a demon called Freddy had devoured most of the community, but was stopped before he could slaughter any adults, he realizes that the men (lol) of the town are scared that Freddy will posess this young boy and use him as a vessel to rear enter the world for another time. It turns out though that they are correct in their presumptions and Freddy tries to take the boy’s soul via his anis.

Much of this film is very confusing to me because I have never met a gayman, a woman, or a Freddy. I think they were portrayed in a fairly accurate light, especially towards the end when they transform into robots and power up to launch a torpedo attack into the Freddyboymergedmonster. This realism and dedication to this often overlooked subspecies is to be applauded, and more film makers and knee jerking journalists should watch this so that they too can understand what the hell is going through a homo-sapien’s mind. Many critics criticized the film for its overt sexuality scenes. If only we could learn to treat each other with love and/or respect then the world would be a much lovlier, discoier place.

Best Scene: When the boy is studying in his bedroom, turns on the radio and hears some static, only to inexplicably re-enact the dance scene from Footloose atop his bed in a tanktop. This goes on for 17 minutes before the school janitor comes in through the bedroom window and whips his behind (anus) with an elongated hose until both lie panting and laughing on the ground. Come to think of it, I don’t remember any sexual scenes in this film so I don’t know what those critics are talking about!

Nope, I have no idea

You Only Live Twice: Bond does a dead, then a live, then gives some baddies a dead!

Jimmy Bond strikes back in the 10th Bombd film based around the notorious notion that Double No Seven is killed and returns as a SPECTRE. Rodegjer Waters takes time off from the stage to regain his perception of the British Super Agent Jamie Bond. This action sees our heroine take to the skies of Europe, namely China, as he tried to hunt down the celebrity mastermind known as Blojob. Baldy Job has being causing various mischieves and Miss Chiefs, and even the odd Misschievy around the land, namely Earth, for nigh-on 8 cycles, and The FBI have had enough and can’t stands no more. They send Bond to incubate Bobsleigh’s gang THE SPOOKS, who are majorly Asian. ME SO HORNY!. Of course, Sean Rogery is a Kiltsman and doesn’t have the Eastern face. He needs a Green Card to enter and so he takes a wife. His wife is promptly dead. He then does an angry and kicks some ninja children. He then does a despair and inserts a bullet into his skull mush via his PPP gun weapon. Q does a despair. Threepenny does a despair. It is despair. In an enlightening twist though, God (who owns the FBI as per Janis Ian) decides that James De Bond should get a rear entry and squirts him back to earth dressed in the skins of a China. Bon is now suitably disguised and can join the bad guys and take them down from the inside. He disc covers that Bloff has been conducting his terrors from the inside of a giant hurricane. He has a bridge in his hurricane which opens and whoever was standing on it falls into a pool of lava where sharks are swimming, and the sharks shoot acid covered piranha snakes at them. That was a good bit, and quite excitement! Anyhoo, Bond (with the help of his Little Willy) evacuates into the hurricane with a bunch of Samuria, cuts up the place, stops a rocket from crashing into the sea and making a thing happen, and he finally gets his hands on Bowlfull. I won’t ruin the ending, but basically everything happens and the film ends. This is likely to be my most favourite Blonde film out of all of off them, and it is in my top ten too! 11 points!

Best Scene. When Bond is applying himself onto his wife who doesn’t want none of it, so he turns her round and puts his poison all over her mouth and/or lips. She dies and he quips ‘Sorry love’. Ha!

Yesh

Suicide Club- Just an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff

This funny Chinese film is a biography considering a special club that many teens have begun prescribing to. As the name suggests it is a Suicide Club- the only thing is that if you want to become a member you have to kill yourself first. Once you do that you get entry to the inner circle where you can drink tea and discuss the songs by famous South African band The Cure. We follow a group of friends as they struggle to gain acceptance by the existing members of the club- try as they might our heroes keep failing to kill themselves. This results in many humorous scenes involving bleeding arms (not deep enough!) hangings with weak rope (not strong enough!), jumping in front of trains but bouncing off them back onto the platform etc (not trainy enough!). It is actually quite touching as these kids just want to be part of something, but family life, school etc has forced them to become brooding outsiders filled with hate and despair. They only want to belong, so it is a pity that they must crawl into the grave to get friends. It seems there are millions of members world wide, and the numbers are growing all the time. Maybe we should listen to them once in a while instead of turning away.
Best Scene: When the guy with the funky hair keeps trying to drown himself in his bath but his little brother keeps pulling the plug out and disturbing him. He then pees in the bath and the funky guy has to jump out- ‘Uurgh, Jimmy, that’s gross!’

Another Failed Attempt

Q: The Winged Serpent: The Cohen Brother’s Best!

Q, or to give it it’s full title- The 8 Exciting Excapades Of Mr Q, The Big Thing, Also Known As Quaker Coat Al, King Of The Mormans, As He Chases Shaft, Kwai Chang, And Michael Moriarty- is basically just a remake of Jaws, but set in space. It has all the same scenes from that movie- a child being mauled to death as he takes his moon buggy for a brief spin; a dead man’s head floating by the spaceship’s port hole, Shaft having his legs bitten off as Q eats through the bottom of the ship. Heck, it even ‘borrows’ some of the famous lines- ‘We’re gonna need a bigger rocket’, ‘we’re gonna need a bigger ship’, ‘Monster! (instead of shark!)’, and ‘Hi’. It is suffice it to say that the famous George Lucas theme tune of the approaching evil is rogued too. While the Jaws music goes like this- Duh duh. Duh duh. Du du du du duh da du du, duh da du du’ and so on, the music in Q goes like this- ‘Duh duh. Duh duh. Du du du du duh da du du, duh da du du’. If that ain’t a slice of the old Rip Off Magee, then I don’t know what is boy!

Anyways, I’m sure if you’ve seen Jaws (or it’s other remake, King Qwong) you’ll know the basic storyboard. Humans have been living on the moon for a few weeks now, but for some reason they are all trapped in the 80s, or possibly the 60s. Drilling for precious moon oil has awoken an ancient beast known as Qod (basically God with a Q) and he ain’t happy! He ain’t happy, but he ain’t not hungry! Q is a giant dragaon type feature, roughly the size of a large squirrel, and he can fly. He can’t breath fire, but he ain’t not hungry! He feasts on space tramps and rocks and takes off towards the main city- Earth Part Two. Soon it is a race against time for the spacemen to work together and bring down this awesome foe.

I like the graphics in this film- they are some of the best I have ever scene, and I like the fact that they filmed on the moon, with Neil Armstrong’s permission. There is plenty of gore and killings, and the excitements are kept high on the scale- about 340lbs worth, give or take. What the film really needed was a big monster fight- they should have dug up another alien and had a smackdown rumble fest where they both smelled what the other had cookin’. This is a lovely piece of filming, Michael Douglas should be proud.

Best Scene: Patrick Moore’s cameo. He is discussing the possibility of life on other planets at the start of the show, then it cuts to him going to his dressing room. Later when his director goes to pick him up for his next shoot, and spins his chair round he is dead and Q has crawled out of his eye! You know which one.

Police Academy 2: Bowser’s Revenge

The sequel to the greatest comedy ever made had a lot to live up to- would Mahoney still up up to his sexy tricks, or had he settled down? Was Tackleberry still making us roll around the ground in excessive laughings with his hilarious gun-play? Could Jones think of even more new and hilarious noises to enchant us? Most importantly, the serious nature of the storyline- now that our cadets had passed their training could they handle real life on the job as cops on the deadly streets of America? This was sure to be engaging stuff. Sadly this sequel isn’t nearly as good as the first, but thankfully it is even better! It’s by far the best film since the last one, and easily the best in the series apart from the other 6! There are so funny many that I coherent write can’t sentences! I know! Also introduced for the first and only time is my favourite character from the whole series- he may only appear in this film, but he also comes back for the next three! His name be Zeb, and in this he is a bad guy, but don’t be scared cos he’s really good, the same way silk pants are good, and he rubs you the right way by doing funnies and speaking like a weirdo. He is like a cross between Jones and a tramp. He leads the a gang of hoodlums who race around the city on jet skis, throwing punch on the mayor and stealing TVs without even paying for them- that’s not theft like I know it! Anyway, I’m being taken sideways as I keep thinking of a good bit, and remembering, and laughing. Oh no- here comes another! Mudhoney must dress up as a bad guy to infiltrate their gang and same their boss from extinction. I don’t like that Bowser is here instead of Captain Harris- Harris is my favourite, especially in the Blue Oyster or when he has glued bits in his hair! Jones causes diversion by going VVVVVT- BRREEE,AII-AII-OOGGALISHNARFBITZZ!, while Loganberry shoots a pile of boxes with a tank. BLLEEEE- RAWAAK!

Best Scene- There are too many to name, but the one where Sweet Cheeks shoots his own shop is a genuine treat!

101 Dalmations- Imagine One Hundred And One Anythings Humping Your Leg!

As a monkey lover (not like that you dirty boy! Lol!) I have trouble watching films about animals which don’t feature monkeys. After overcoming this initial disappointment, I sat down to watch this Walter Dizzy classic. The story is about a family who have a hundred Dalmation dogs (the ones which look like zebras) and are entering the American version of Crufts- ‘The Abe Lincoln Sponsored Stars And Stripes Canine Appreciation Gala Contest Bonanza For Dog Breeders Featuring Exciting Races, Daring Obstacles, Grooming Awards, And Stalwart Obedience Show!’ or better known as TALSSASCAGCBFDBFERDOGAASOS! The family hear about a loophole that if someone has 101 dogs of the same breed they automatically win the top prize- the Woofey, and a million one dollar bits. Their dogs are mongrels you see- stupid, ugly, and disobedient. The first part of the show is taken up with the family trying to train their dogs to sit, sleep, run, eat, dance, and sing- this leads to some wonderful hits such as ‘Spot The Wrong’un!’, ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’, ‘Barken’, ‘Oh What A Lovely Bone’ and ‘Get Off My Nice Clean Carpet You Dirty Bitch’. Realising their dogs are useless they try to exploit the loop. Most of the film is taken up by the owners and their lovely children trying to get their puppies to mate so that they reach the target of 101- this led to some questionable scenes which young audiences were not prepared for and the eventual ‘disappearances’ of many of the staff. 40 years later a mass burial site was exhumed where a number of bodies of the staff were found- some with bones inserted in the wrong spot (pardon the puns). Bette Davis spices things up a tad with her portrayal of Cruel Fella D’Evil- a local mobster who went mental when her husband was murdered by the Godfather, Don Niro De Pachinko. She hates the sound of dogs, but loves the taste, and has heard an ancient myth which speaks of ‘the flysh of the one hundred and first born pup shall give eternal life to he who shalt feast of it’. She tries to kidnap number 101 (Ploppy) and eat it, but the other dogs set traps up for her around the house, such as messes under the windows, messes on the hallways, and worst of all, messes on the door handles. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it ends by the plot coming to and end and the credits rolling. Although this was filmed about a hundred (and one!) years ago, the graphics and camera-work are very enticing. Disney were the only studio rich enough back then to make their films in colour, which is why this looks so could compared to other rubbish like Castle Blanka. Unfortunately the unsavoury nature of the plot combined with the toilet humour, and the fact that it was basically a remake of the Nazi propaganda film ‘Eine hundert und eine Rettungen’ or 101 Salvations mean that it makes for inappropriate viewing.

Best Scene: Fred Willard’s humorous commentary throughout the various stages of the dog trials- it was one of his first appearances, at the age of 42.

Night Of The Living Dead: Wax On; Brains Out

I remembrance when this was first show- none of the big studios wanted it so Romeo had to travel on his scooter with copies of it to local cinemas. On his first few attempts he told the owners that it was a film about zomboids munching human flysh and flesh- understandably most were horrified by this plot and spat in his face. Romeo, being an intelligent, bearded gentleman knew that he would have to lie in order for his film to be shown. He began to tell people it was about a group of dancers called the Living Dead who were from ‘the streets’ and had to fight prejudice and poverty just so they could dance together. A heartwarming story, it featured the tag line ‘They’re coming to get down, Barbara!’ The main character is a shy girl who learns what it is to live, love, and dance and ends up having the time of her life, like she’s never felt before. The Living Dead recruit her by repeatedly dancing on her lawn and banging on her doors and windows- she tries to keep them out, but you can’t stop the groove, baby!. The beats get more intense, the clothes get more lesser, and soon she succumbs to the ancient art of waving your arms and legs about. The group scrape together enough money to enter the (arm)Pittsburgh dance contest and finally get a stage on which they can showcase their talents. After rough treatment from rich rival dance troupe, Kobra Kyle, they find a wizened old trainer called Mr Umaga. Through him getting them to paint his house, wax his carts, clean his many chimbleys etc they learn valuable life lessons which will ensure they can form important social relationships and gain self confidence when they eventually start employment. Suffice to say, the film has a wonderfully tender ending as the group, just as it looks like they have thrown away the final dance, manage to pull off the mythic 5 metre Qwop twirl dance move and get a 10 from Brucie. Paralleled with the Vietnam war which was entertaining America at the time, Romeo’s impressive social commentary manages to convey the joyous spirit of the time- before there was mistrust, before there was paranoia, and when everyone loved each other regardless of the colour of their skin, or the ugly of their face.

Best Scene: The naked zomboid ass.

Maximum Overdrive: It Shook Me All Night Long- with scarinessness!

This is one of THE great films of the 80s, featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Emilio Sheen, Lisa Simpson, and Stevie-Nix-King head up the terrific cast in this brutal, haunting, and often sad story of man versus machine set in the future (about 2 weeks I think). Based on one of King’s most famous works- Cujo, the film follows a weekend in the lives of a bunch of Hicks who are surrounded, tormented, and murdered by their favourite household appliances- microwaves, TVs, Big Blue Pleasure Devices, chair lifts, and of course staples. The main threat though comes from their cars, their motorbikes, their trucks, vans, and hover crafts. They all get stranded in a diner off Route 66, and in classic Night Of Lovely Dead style they argue and fight amongst themselves whilst trying to solve the main problem and escape the nightmare in one or three pieces.

Emil Esteves is a loner, a truck driver who just happens to pull into the diner for a burger and a litre of coffee, and perhaps to make a deposit in the traps. He meets an assortment of locals, weirdos, and workers but soon after all Hades breaks loose. One customer is in trap 1, but when he tries to flush it gurgles speech at him. ‘Honey, this la-vor-a-tory just called called me an ass hole!’ he cries. It retaliates further by spewing forth what he had previously spewed forth in a glorious twist of irony. Soon people are being stabbed, crushed, decapitated, and victimised. This film has what idiots call the likability factor. In other words- you can like it. There isn’t much of a story after the first 12 minutes as the final hour is just scenes of carnage accompanied by music by metal band ABBA. Occasionally Yardon Smith (From the Simpson Family programme) shrieks something unintelligibly which would usually make me want to cut out my eyes and replace them with some sort of larvae, but here it serves to increase the tension. With superb actings throughout, lots of killings, and plenty of naked action, this is one of the all time must sees.

Best Scene: When that weirdo looking freak (whoever he is he should never be allowed near another film again!) at the start trying to reason with a cash machine but it keeps calling him a twatbag!

Maximum Overdrive