Manic Street Preachers Album AI Artwork

Greetings, Glancers! I continue my romp through the laughter and boke-provoking world of AI creations. by passing a globby, pixelated eye over musical artwork. Album artwork is a glorious art form – one which doesn’t get enough credit from cravat wearing Art types. Probably. I didn’t bother checking. But a good piece of album artwork can tease the musical and thematic treats inside, like a goblin waving his codpiece while beckoning you into his candy covered hovel. Artists and bands spend weeks and months deciding upon what works and what doesn’t before slapping a big breasted leather clad woman straddling a tiger on the front and confidently nodding their heads – yes, that’s the one.

In this era of AI witchcraft, the artist has every right to shiver in the foreboding knowledge that they will soon be out of a job like the rest of us. Why spend thousands of dollars on a commission from some dick who dropped out of school with no qualifications and likely has a social media picture of them holding a cup of coffee and looking wistfully off to the left, when you can type a few prompts into an app and get something unique and nightmarish for free?

For this post, I typed the name of every studio album by Wales’ finest Rockers into one such app and have specially curated the results for your bemusement. From start to finish, may I present, The Manic Street Preachers – AI style.

The Manic Street Preachers have been around for so long now that they’re reliably labelled as Dad Rock by people who don’t know any better. After their run of hits towards the arse end of the 90s, and the fact that they’re no longer as energetic as they once were, it’s a term which easily fits when you can’t be arsed actually looking into the band. The AI bot has seemingly fallen for this trap too, with a collection of harmless dinner jacket clad images proclaiming ‘we sing songs and play guitar, but not too loudly’.

What’s interesting about the App is that a slight change in keywords can garner such different results. For example, when I remove the band name from the search we get something much closer to what the band were like in their younger days – angry, vitriolic, cross-dressing punk boys who would just as soon plant a bomb in your pants as rip them off with their teeth.

Sadly, the App became too confused when I kept the band name out and would return complete nonsense. For this sophomore album, the band embraced all thing riff and rock in the hope of capturing bigger audiences. It didn’t work, but it’s an excellent album with a flawless five tracks and a middling five. The App cares for none of this and instead latched on to the word GOLD.

The band’s third album is famously one of the greatest albums ever made, and certainly one of the darkest, most uncompromising pieces of art you’re likely to encounter. Its album artwork is a shocking glimpse into what’s inside. The AI bot gets some of the colouring right, and it at least attempts to nod its head towards the albums many, many literary influences and allusions, but it unfortunately makes the band look like if Keane was crossed with PJ & Duncan.

The band’s first success coincided with the loss of their heart, their lyricist Richey Edwards. Continuing as a 3 piece, everyone was shocked when they found themselves topping the charts and courting the Britpop obsessed music bothering public of the 90s. The bot seems confused if they are a 3 piece, a 4 piece, a duo, or just James with a dog’s nose.

Continuing with this trend of uncertainty and rather than adopting the new, bland visuals of the band once famed for their outlandish appearance, the AI bot presents the band as one of warped faces, splayed legs, and very long guitars.

The band’s clusterfuck moment – pissed off with being famous they elected to do whatever they could to alienate every part of their fanbase with 16 songs of fuzzy experimentalism. Curiously, this is the first time the app consistently gets close to actually looking like the band. It has also decided it’s a live album.

By the time Lifeblood came around, no-one cared anymore. The world had moved on to shitty angular indie rock like The Strokes and The Killers, and had no time for Welsh upstarts unsure of their musical direction. The band is a synthpop slice of cold abandonment, and it just as wonderful as everything else they’ve done. Shame no-one else thinks so. The App has gone with a blue sheen, which suspiciously apt.

With Send Away The Tigers, The Manics tried to recapture some of their old punk energy making an album of mostly uneventful and repetitive snappy songs. 80s punk and metal bands liked tigers. The App likes tigers.

Postcards From A Young Man was famously the band’s attempt at mass communication – they thought the best way to communicate was with an overly produced Motown album. What’s interesting about the bot’s cover is the approximation of both Richey, and of Sean Moore who deserves his own pic above. Not sure why he has an electronic bug blaster for his eye, but there you go.

Journal For Plague Lovers was a stonking return to form, even if the tracks feel a little unfinished. The bot has gone for some sort of Industrial-Black-Doom Metal thing with one picture looking like a mermaid drooping out of a moon.

Not sure why I got the order of the last two albums mixed up, but I’m not changing it now. Rewind The Film is the dullest of albums – it’s like the second half of This Is My Truth, played twice. But less good. iTs BeTteR WHen yOU’re OlD! Sure it is, boomer. This blandness has rubbed off on the bot, aside from placing Cristina Ricci front and centre.

Futurology is the much more interesting cousin of Rewind The Film, coming out less than a year later. Much like the album, the bot’s artwork is a mish-mash of ideas, from men in suits showing off their toy soldier collections between their feet, to James’ amazing Matt Bellamy inspired banana guitar.

 

Unfairly dismissed by idiots as uninteresting, Resistance Is Futile is a fantastic blend of the band’s most mainstream sentiments and their latter day experimentalism. It may not go hard in either direction, but it’s accessible as fuck. The bot believes that obese emo Thom Yorke is now a member and that Wales is a turgid wasteland.

The band’s most recent release saw them grab the number 1 spot in the UK charts. Of course, you only need to sell 300 copies to earn that coveted award, but it’s the principle of the thing. It’s not too different from Resistance Is Futile – there’s still too many special guests, the inspiration is now ABBA rather than Bowie, but even with its pop sensibilities it veers into progressive territory more frequently than they have before. I fully expect a Concept album next. The bot’s attempt at creating something unique fell on its arse.

Let us know in the comments what you think of any of this shite.

15 AI Images Of Famous Power Couples

Greetings, Glancers! Like every other twat, I’ve been farting about with these funny AI Apps to avoid real life responsibilities. Carlos, you haven’t called your mother in two months! Carlos, put yourself on mute if you’re not talking! Carlos, I told you to pay the mortgage! Carlos, I told you not to leave the baby in the car by herself! Carlos, I’m leaving you! It’s great.

I’ve always had a love/please stop doing this to me relationship with AI and merging tools. I’ve created hundreds of hilarious pictures where I’ve merged myself with friends, celebs etc, and in work I’ve inexplicably received positive feedback on my celebrity face merge quizzes where I use an actual online tool to do the job for me. There was a certain demented charm in my own creations because I set myself a rule of only using the worst possible tool to generate severely limited results – a combination of Microsoft Paint and Fast Stone Capture was all I used.

We’re in a much more technologically advanced world now, one where AI bots are able to predict our desires and tell us what we need to purchase before we even soil our pants and they need to be replaced. A world where human run jobs are steadily being taken over by cheap robot labour. A world where it will soon be unclear if the person you’re speaking to on the internet, or on the bus, is actually human or a mangled collection of ones and zeroes plotting the downfall of your species.

But until that inevitable eventuality, we shall treat these bots with misguided innocent delight for whimsical means rather than formulating an actionable doomsday response. So here are some amusing mixings of famous people, using the infamous Craiyon.com (formerly DALL.E mini).

JESUS SCHWARZENEGGER CHRIST

If you ever wanted a man to wash away your iniquities and ‘take you to heaven’ as long as you ‘believe in him’, then it’s this Herculean hunk of plasticine and tan.

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE WILLIAM

Prince is the greatest guitarist of all time! No, Prince is the greatest musician of all time! No, Prince is neither of those things – he’s just some dead guy who was fine at writing songs which other artists performed better than he ever could. He’s also the unwanted offspring of that unlawful criminal hive of warmongering pedo-protectors known as The British Royal family. Here’s the shocking proof.

DAVID BOWIE KNIFE

Most of the attempts at generating these images ended up as pictures of knives with signatures beside them. By adding two extra words, we yield significantly more pleasing results.

JOHN KAREN CARPENTER

Soothing songstress Karen Carpenter may have died decades ago, but through the power of AI – THEY LIVE (get it?)!

MICHAEL DJ FOX

The app must not know who sort of famous UK DJ, DJ Fox is, and therefore generated a pile of muck instead. See:

Instead, if I simply search for Michael J Fox and DJ Fox, we are treated to starched skin Ant & Dec. Great Scott!

BEN & JERRY’S SHAPIRO

Famous racist Ben Shapiro probably hates these delicious yet over-priced tubs of frozen cream ever since they started introducing other flavours and diverse colours. VANILLA ONLY, ALL THE TIME! Such weak minded hatred only leads to a withered, monstrous visage like thus.

SIMON LE BON JOVI

Two of the 1980s biggest stars and sexy idols met once upon a time, in Rio I believe. They ‘fiddled’ each other, and out slithered the grotesque progeny of their regretful congress.

RANDY MICHAEL JACKSON

Whether or not Michael Jackson was ever Randy, and who with, is a subject people will talk about for the rest of time without ever coming to a definitive answer. He sure loved grabbing his crotch, though. The question of whether Randy Jackson was ever Michael, doesn’t really make sense. Neither does this picture.

WILL.I.AM SHAKESPEARE

What do you get when you cross one of history’s greatest writers with one of history’s worst dressers (I’ll let you work out which is which)? This, obvs.

STEPHEN KINGSLEY AMIS

No matter which choice of words I went for with this miserable combo, the result was always purely King or purely Amis. You may say something went ‘amis’ with the AI. If you were an idiot. Which you are.

SARAH MICHELLE ROSS GELLAR

A Buffy and Friends crossover would never have worked because Chandler and Xander are basically the same person. Buffy and Ross too, apparently. At least, the plan was to see what Ross and Buffy looked like with their bodies smooshed together in a non-sexy way, but the AI bot instead interpreted my wishes as ‘insert Buffy into Friends episodes’.

DEL BOY GEORGE

Most of you Americans reading this probably know who Boy George is – of Karma Chameleon fame. You maybe don’t know who Del Boy is, infamous geezer, father of The Antichrist and fan of luvvly jubbly money. Slapped into a single body and it’s neither, fools, horses, nor chameleons.

DAVID JANE LYNCH

There’s something comforting about listening to David Lynch’s meanderings – like the stories of a well-travelled uncle who always brings the best presents. Less comforting is the thought of his cavorting body writhing all up in the innards of ‘that women from Glee’. 

NEVE BRUCE CAMPBELL 

I tried Neve Campbell soup, but that just made me horny and I had to go away for a while. There are lots of famous Campbells out there, and none of the mergings were to my satisfaction (especially not after the soup relief), so in the end I went for old chinny legs himself, Bruce ‘Hail To The B-Movie’ Campbell. They make for a cute couple. IN HELL.

THOM YORKIE BAR

No matter what you search for, if you include Thom Yorke in the search, then the result is Thom Yorke as he normally looks. It seems reasonable to conclude therefore that Thom has been a bot since some point in the late 90s, steadily weaselling his nebulous limbs into every USB port and server farm he gets with a Terabyte of.

Who is your favourite A-List couple? Let us know in the comments, and be certain that I’ll have plenty more of these AI shit posts to come!

Celebrating Neighbours – Memories Of RamsAI Street!

Fucking Taj

This week, one of the longest running loves of my life comes to an end. Neighbours has been selling me the ups and downs of Australia’s favourite suburb since I was the size of a shoe, and while I remember very little of those early episodes, once we reached the late 80s it was a regular daily fixture in my life as I fell for the antics of its buxom, sun-kissed stars.

While Neighbours has regularly traded in nostalgia, bringing back old characters, constantly referencing Miss Mangle, or holding one off celebratory episodes with many knowing nods to the past, these past few years have felt like a drawn out, bittersweet goodbye; a summation of everything which came before, careening towards an end nobody seems to want. From the return of Dee Bliss to various original stars making their ways back into the main cast, and into this final week of celebrations, us fans have been reminiscing. We’ve been looking back with misty eyes, we’ve been excitedly trawling the web for rumours on which big stars would be making a comeback and how the stories could possibly wrap up, and we’ve been wondering what the hell we’re going to do with this extra 30 minutes in our schedule. The dream for an eccentric billionaire fan to come in and save the show has failed. I still firmly believe that the show will return in a few years time, with a new and sexy lick of paint, one which will piss off old fans and not engage new viewers and inevitably fail. Until then, in my own childish fashion, I’ve been remembering the good times, those moments we’ll never forget, in AI form.

HARRROOOLLLLLD!

Remember when Harold and Madge went for a walk and Harold fell into the sea? Remember Madge’s gravelly wailing? Remember Harold being off our screens for years, only to return as the Salvation Army’s premier Amnesiac? This should jog your memory.

It’s more artistic than I remember

CODY WILLIS GETS SHOT

Everyone remembers when Kerry Mangle got shot while playing Duck Hunt on the Australian version of the Nintendo Entertainment System. As everyone knows, Australia is more dangerous than everywhere else and the Australian version involved running through a swamp being rifled down by the Oz equivalent of the Tory Party. Or something, I don’t remember it much. I do remember Cody Willis being shot in her own home though. I remember because she was my favourite character at the time. It was sad. I was sad. Trigger warning for any other Cody fans. Actually, the app seems to be somewhat confused by who Cody Willis is. Or what Neighbours is.

Who’s this spiggin huffter?

SCOTT AND CHARLENE’S WEDDING

Arguably the most famous moment in the history of the show, it was one of those rare soap weddings where everything went right; nobody ran screaming from the altar, a jilted ex didn’t show up to say they’d been having an affair with one of the betrothed, nobody was exploded by a barbeque. The only tears were of happiness, and below’s image will surely make you shed a few more of those, even though the bride has apparently lost a hand and is posing alongside a fan with a deformed peanut for a head.

Jim?

TOADIE AND DEE DRIVING OFF A CLIFF

Toadie and Dee’s blossoming relationship and nuptials was one of the stories I was deeply invested in back in the day. Toadie was everyone’s favourite loser turned hero even back then, and seeing him winning the attention of the hottest woman on the street was something the rest of us nerds could get behind. Unfortunately, inevitably, reality would strike and Toadie and Dee went soaring off the side of a cliff into the ocean, leaving Toadie a widower (for the first time) and the fans bereaved of one of our favourite couples. Relive those traumatic events below.

To be honest, it looks like fun

HELEN DIES IN HER SLEEP

Even more than Miss Mangle and Madge, Helen Daniels was the first and last true matriarch of the street, the legendary Anne Haddy struggling with real life health issues as she filmed her final scenes. I don’t want to suggest that it was living with Julie and Debbie Martin which finished Helen off, but few could survive more than a few weeks of that pair without lasting scars. Even Hannah cut her hair afterwards in an attempt to reinvent herself. She was one of the few characters to get her own special end credits. Will the AI be respectful in honouring her memory?

No

SUSAN SLAPS KARL

It was the slap which chilled the testicles of every hot-blooded male across the land, a slap that said ‘if I catch you with your pants down I’ll make sure you won’t feel your jaw till the next ice age’. Karl and Susan have had more affairs over the years than I’ve had Blog views, but this was the one which garnered the most attention, with Karl bending over backwards to avoid being caught for bending Sarah over forwards. The AI app has deigned to present some Anne Robinson lookalikes and a selection of random shots of random other soaps.

You are the weakest lookalike, goodbye

DREW CRASHES CAR

Keeping it Kennedy (kind of) for now, Drew and Libby were another favourite couple of mine. Libby was my favourite Neighbours character and, lets be honest, nobody was going to be good enough for her, but Drew came pretty damn close. He was handsome, stalwart, true, and good with his hands (matron), which meant he liked to tinker with cars. Because he liked tinkering with cars, he liked to drive and race cars, and this unfortunately led to one of the more amusing stunts in the show’s history as Drew’s car sailed skyward. He survived, no worries, mate. As much as I have Googled for this event, I can’t find anything about it, so maybe it never even happened. Here’s how it looks in my dreams.

They never had the biggest visual effects budget

DREW FALLS OFF HORSE

Not happy with one near death experience, Mr Kirk needed to finish the deed. And so, he and Libby headed off to Oakey (read: The Wild West) and within seconds Drew was flung from a horse in one of the more amusing, least impressive stunts in the show’s history. What looked like it would have tickled a toddler in fact did catastrophic damage to Drew’s innards, and he succumbed to his injury’s shortly after. It’s like football – the most innocuous tackles always lead to season-long injuries. Here’s a picture of their fateful meeting.

But why is it Billy?

DREW IS A ZOMBIE

Neighbours rarely took itself too seriously over the years, and frequently featured cast members coming back from the dead as ghosts, long lost twins, or Christmas decorations. They went one further and had an entire spin-off online series called Neighbours Vs Zombies in which many old and new favourites were gobbled by hordes of the undead (read West Waratah residents). Drew was one of the characters to be resurrected, and the poor fella didn’t even know he’d been dead.

To Boldly Go

STINGRAY STEALS A BABY

Stingray was a breath of fresh air in a time of transition for the show, a time when old families were being written out. He was the new burst of comedy and action the show needed, bringing a monkey sack of new and inexplicable catchphrases to Erinsborough. After a series of tragedies he became dependent on booze and everything came to a head when he kidnapped his Ex’s baby, the new Kerry Mangle/Bishop/Timmins. He’s what our AI bot made of it all.

They got over it quickly

THE FULL MONTY

Not happy with simply having pretty ladies for the blokes to fawn over, the show has had its fair share of male goodness over the years, from Silver foxes like Lou Carpenter to rugged Dingo charmers like Joe Scully. Nothing could prepare the nether regions of the female populace for Drew, Toadie, Billy, Joel, and Karl whipped out the wee lads. For the sake of our eyes, I’m only posting the clean version of the AI’s artwork below.

A random shot of the cast from the first episode, for some reason

RAMSEY STREET SIGN

We wrap up this post, and a huge chapter in our lives with the most icomic shot of them all. That of the Ramsey street sign. Roxy may have nicked it recently when she headed off with Kyle for her happy ending, but the sign lives on in our hearts. Here is is, for one last time, accurately drawn up by our soon to be AI Overlords. Thanks Neighbours. Theighbours.

The Perfect Blend

The Greatest Movies Never Made

What happens when we die? I like to imagine that, rather than leaping about on a cloud or burning in the lake of fire, or being reincarnated as a toadstool, or haunting our mates, or simply ceasing to exist, that we continue to trundle along in some sort of timeless ageless, Good Place-esque afterworld of our own desires. A place where you can catch up with friends who passed away before you and ancestors you never met. A place where you can spend your days doing absolutely anything you want. A place where you can choose to travel to any location real or imagined at any point in time. A place where you can cease to exist if that’s what you want. A place where you can spy on those still alive, if you so choose. A place where you can continue to work, if work was something you truly enjoyed and if the products of your work were something you wished to share.

In this fantastical world, as well as all of the ordinary nameless billions like you and I who have lived and died, the famous and infamous continue to thrive. The sportsmen and women, the artists, writers, musicians, performers, actors, and directors. While many of those creative types were sparked into their careers by familial connections, a desire for fame, or a need to be loved, many others did it for the love of doing it. For the love of telling a story and seeing the wonder on the faces of the audience. Would those guys spend the rest of eternity lying on a beach being fed ambrosial cocktails by big-breasted angels? Arguably yes, but I like to imagine they would continue doing what they loved. Somewhere out there John and George have written a hundred new solo albums and are waiting for Paul and Ringo to shuffle off their mortal coils to get the band together again. DaVinci is painstakingly crafting a thousand foot tall ivory column, every inch adorned with the greatest woks of painted art the world has never seen. Homer and Virgil are outdoing each other with crafting the greatest Epic Poem to prove that Greece was better than Italy/Italy was better than Rome. Eddie Guerrero just cheated Andre The Giant out of his Heavyweight Title at HeavenMania MMXXI. In the world of movies, Alfred Hitchcock is waiting for Pamela Anderson to die so that she can feature in his next psychosexual chase drama.

As it’s me, there are rules. The rules don’t make sense, but they’re there nonetheless. While this land of the dead is not governed by any real sense of time, you can only end up there once you have officially died here on Earth. That means Bruce Lee cannot make his own Expendables movie until Arnie and Sly and Jackie and everyone else finally bid farewell to this mortal realm. Sonny Chiba has just joined the party, so they can at least work on the script kinks. That’s actually the only rule. For this post I grabbed a random list of the best (dead) Directors, Actors, and Actresses (I ignored every other job which goes into making a movie because I’m not a psychopath) of all time just to see the sort of players who are maybe out there right now, in the world beyond, making the greatest movies never made. Who wouldn’t pay to watch a never before seen Stanley Kubrick movie starring Marlon Brando and Heath Ledger? What about a Spaghetti Western from Sergio Leone starring John Wayne, Elvis Presley, David Bowie, Charles Bronson, Eli Wallach, and Christopher Lee? What about a new Bond movie featuring Connery and Moore? How about an animated musical from Walt Disney featuring Robin Williams, Jimmy Stewart, Charles Chaplin, Peter Sellers, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and John Candy? You get the idea? The movie which your favourite director always planned to make but never got off the ground while they lived? Everything you always wanted or never thought you needed.

Here’s the list I pulled – it’s not definitive, nor is it meant to be. It’s just a tool to help you imagine what might be. Let you imagination run wild and ask yourself what sort of film you would love to see using a combination of the names below. Hell, I’ll even turn it into a viral bait game to make it easier for you – A. Pick one director. B: Pick up to 7 Actors and Actresses. C: Pick a genre. D: What’s your movie? Which living actors,  actresses, and directors do you think the deceased would love to work with? Let us know in the comments what sort of movie you think these guys would make or what sort of movie you would love to see?  Of course you’ll have to wait till you die before you can see it, but that’s not too far away, right?

Directors

Alfred Hitchcock                                                                   Stanley Kubrick

Orson Welles                                                                         Akira Kurosawa

Sergio Leone                                                                          Ingmar Bergman

Federico Fellini                                                                     John Ford

Billy Wilder                                                                            Frank Capra

Fritz Lang                                                                               Sidney Lumet

Francois Truffaut                                                                  William Wyler

Howard Hawks                                                                     Milos Foreman

John Huston                                                                         David Lean

Robert Altman                                                                     Elia Kazan

Vincente Minelli                                                                  George Cukor

Blake Edwards                                                                    Michael Curtiz

Sam Peckinpah                                                                    Jean Renoir

Andrei Tarkovsky                                                               John Cassavettes

Tony Scott                                                                           Sergei Eisenstein

John Frankenheimer                                                        Ernst Lubitsch

Jonathan Demme                                                              Joseph L Mankiewicz

Satyajit Ray                                                                        F.W Murnau

Robert Wise                                                                       Franco Zeffirelli

Don Siegel                                                                          Vittorio De Sica

John Hughes                                                                     Luis Bunuel

Krzysztof Kielslowski                                                      Sydney Pollack

Bernardo Bertolucci                                                       Mike Nichols

Cecil B DeMille                                                                DW Griffith

Alan Parker                                                                       Michaelangelo Antonioni

Harold Ramis                                                                   Richard Donner

George Romero                                                                Wilfred Jackson

Alan J Pakula                                                                    George Roy Hill

Michael Powell                                                                 Carol Reed

Otto Preminger                                                                Peter Bogdanovich

Wes Craven                                                                      Fred Zinnemann

George Stevens                                                                Frank Lloyd

Georges Melies                                                                Leo McCarey

Lewis Milestone                                                              Eric Rohmer

Pier Paolo Pasolini                                                         Yasujiro Ozu

Theodoros Angelopoulos                                              James Whale

Terence Fisher                                                                Carl Theodor Dreyer

Michael Cimino                                                              Hal Ashby

Actors And Actresses

Marlon Brando                                                                                  Katherine Hepburn

John Belushi                                                                                      Ingrid Bergman

John Candy                                                                                        Bette Davis

Jonathan Brandis                                                                             Elizabeth Taylor

Don S Davis                                                                                       Olympia Dukakis

James Dean                                                                                       Thelma Ritter

Maureen Stapleton                                                                          James Dean

Anne Bancroft                                                                                  Denholm Elliot

Lauren Bacall                                                                                   Marty Feldman

Vivien Leigh                                                                                      Audrey Hepburn

Romy Schneider                                                                              Grace Kelly

Simone Signoret                                                                             Barbara Stanwyck

Olivia De Havilland                                                                        Greer Garson

Shelly Winters                                                                                 Greta Garbo

Deborah Kerr                                                                                  Brittany Murphy

Rita Hayworth                                                                                Doris Day

Paul Newman                                                                                 Spencer Tracy

Laurence Olivier                                                                            Jack Lemmon

James Stewart                                                                               Robin Williams

Peter O’Toole                                                                                 Philip Seymour Hoffman

Humphrey Bogart                                                                        Gregory Peck

Clark Gable                                                                                    Gary Cooper

George C Scott                                                                              Jason Robards

Charles Laughton                                                                         Anthony Quinn

Peter Sellers                                                                                  James Cagney

Peter Finch                                                                                    Henry Fonda

Cary Grant                                                                                     Richard Burton

Burt Lancaster                                                                              William Holden

John Wayne                                                                                  Kirk Douglas

Alec Guiness                                                                                 Christopher Plummer

Sean Connery                                                                                Roger Moore

Albert Finney                                                                                River Phoenix

Heath Ledger                                                                                Steve McQueen

Charlton Heston                                                                           Gene Kelly

Robert Mitchum                                                                           Alan Rickman

Edward G Robinson                                                                     Buster Keaton

If you were wondering if I was maintaining my own personal list of undead Directors and Actors, you would be correct. Every month brings a host of heartbreaking new deaths among our cinematic heroes, and with each month we know we’re getting closer to one of our favourites passing. But at least they’ll be heading on over to my fantasy wonderland – yay! Have I finally snapped? Which names are missing from the above list? What sort of cocktail do you think James Dean would drink? Let us know in the comments!

The Longest Most Pointless Post About Football In The World Of All Time… Ever!

Greetings, Glancers! We interrupt our usual programming to bring you this mouthful. Y’all should know by now that I spend about 95% of the day inside my own head – it’s a great place to be and it leads to such nonsense as this. If you’re a football fan, and even if you’re not, you probably heard about the Sport-shattering shenanigans of this past week involving 12 European Clubs signing up to join a breakaway ‘Super League’ as an alternative to the longstanding Premier European Club Tournament – The Champions League. While on the surface, some of the reasons for this were sound, noble even, and perhaps inspired by a want for improvement. The Champions League format will be changing soon, creating even more matches for those who qualify, further congesting a packed calendar which will naturally make success more difficult and injuries more likely. I don’t like it. No-one likes it. It’s all about money. Somehow though, the Super League is worse.

The Super League got it wrong from the start – offering inclusion to a series of clubs seen as ‘the best’ in Europe. There are easy ways to gauge ‘the best’ – UEFA (the governing body) has been running a point coefficient system for years, to show the current ranking of every team on the Continent. That wasn’t used though, because the Billionaires in charge want the most profitable, famous, and richest teams involved who also have a bit of a European pedigree (apparently). Out of the 12 clubs, 6 were from England, including my beloved Liverpool. Liverpool is one of the most successful clubs in European history. Man Utd have won everything. Chelsea have had successes in recent years. Man City have won nothing, but are one of the richest clubs in the world. Arsenal used to be good, but are a joke now. Tottenham…. the less said the better. The club selection was one of the many farces surrounding this.

The next, and perhaps most egregious, is the fact that it was designed to be a closed competition. These 12 teams would always be there, and each would always earn 350 million for being involved each year. Rather than the yearly scramble for wins to get into the top few positions in the league required to qualify for the elite European competitions, for these 12 teams it wouldn’t matter where they finished – Tottenham could finish 15th in the League and they would still get in. For that money, why bother even trying to finish high in the League? What about the other teams who finish higher? They don’t get in, they don’t get the money or the ‘big matches’? It’s a mess. Thankfully, due to immense fan pressure, most clubs have since pulled out of the system and apologised to fans and staff. Worst of all for me, is that the people who made the decision just went ahead and did it – zero consultation with managers, staff, players, or fans. They tried to force through the biggest change in European football for decades, without letting the bill payers or performers have any say. Every single one of these scumbags should be held to account – the frothing media claiming clubs should be suspended, removed from leagues, docked points – that is all useless scaremongering. If clubs had been involved in the decision beyond the owners, by all means they should be punished.

But all this got me thinking. While I enjoy the current European set up with the Champions League and Europa League, I don’t think it’s perfect. There should be more involvement from other nations and smaller clubs. Elitists will point to the fact that they don’t want to watch small teams play and inevitably be smashed by the big boys. I do, and what’s more, it’s fair. Now I’m under no illusion that it would be unfair to have a Champions League which only features the winners of each League – teams may miss out on winning their league by a single point, a single goal, a single VAR mistake. The biggest leagues simply are more deserving of having more teams involved in the top competitions. But all leagues should be represented. It gives a chance for smaller teams to earn more money and actually improve, it gives them a once in a lifetime opportunity to play against the best, and it increases the opportunity for those ‘giant-killer’ matches the media loves so much.

Personally, I’m not a fan of massive qualifying rounds like you see before the Champions League and Europa League. They’re pointless, they’re almost never televised, and when they are nobody watches them anyway. Likewise, I’m not a fan of play-offs. If you spend an entire season winning points and reach a certain position, that position should be rewarded. I’m also all for less games on the calendar for individual teams, but more games in total. What that means is a revamp to the two existing European tournaments, and a ‘new’ third one. Read on to hear about my proposed changes.

First up, there should be three European club tournaments. Over the decades there have been instances of three tournaments – the Inter Toto cup, the Cup Winners Cup etc. While each of the three Tournaments are classed as Elite Club Championships, there is a tiering system with the Champions League being the best of the best, the Europa League for the Runner Up type teams, and the Third Cup being for… well I may as well say it now… it’s basically a revamped Cup Winners Cup. Obviously money and all of that crap comes into it, but basically the better the tier the more money, but ultimately each competition affords all entrants the chance and ability to earn for income, success, and respect.

My next revamp is to the format of the existing competitions; no more league/group stages but each competition should be a two-leg knockout cup. My third revamp involves increasing the number of teams involved in each competition – from 32 to 64. Next, I’ll be removing seeding because that is too much of an elitist invention to protect the bigger clubs and ensure they last the longest in each tournament – in my competition anyone can play anyone at any time, so cry me a river. My final revamp involves scrapping the qualification rounds altogether – qualification will be based on League and Cup success in each respective Domestic competition. So that’s it – simple yeah? Let me know your thoughts in the…. wait wait wait. You didn’t actually think I was done yet, did you? Oh no, we’re only getting started. When you spend time in my head, you don’t get to simply walk away.

I’m going through each of these proposed new tournaments, talking about the set-up and qualification process, then I’m going to cover each of the 55 Countries who make up European football and how their qualification process should work, then I’m going to look at who should have qualified for each competition based on last season’s results, then I’m going to assign each team a numeric value from 1-64, and finally I’m going to make my own Cup draw for each competition and show you the proposed first round fixtures for each. Why. Why. Why.

The Champions League – the best of the best, formally known as The European Cup. There are just too many matches and even if you get knocked out in the first round you still have to play six matches. You can keep the name, though the ‘league part’ doesn’t really make sense if we’re abandoning the group stages, so lets call it The European Champions Cup. We’re increasing the number of teams who qualify from 32 to 64. Each round, except for the final, would feature a Home and an Away leg. Therefore finalists would play maximum of eleven matches. Money lost by having less matches in the group stages would be offset by the gains made in having 64 matches in the first round. These would obviously be spread over a number of weeks so the Telly channels get maximum bang for their buck. Who should qualify?

There are currently 55 independent nations in Europe, and 54 of those have their own Football Leagues. The winner of each Top Level League in each Country automatically qualifies. Qualification is based on League Results only, Cups are not considered. This gives 54 teams with a wide range of quality and leaves 10 spots remaining. I’m torn on this next piece, because I originally thought there were only 50 countries which left 14 remaining spots, which gave a bit more freedom about the next teams to qualify. I’m left with two options. Either those ten spots are made up the 2nd and 3rd place finishers from Europe’s Top 5 Leagues: England, Spain, Germany, France, Italy. Or, the first five spots are completed by the 2nd place finisher in the first five leagues, and the final five are from the 2nd place finisher from the next five Top Leagues in Europe. Rather than the current flawed coefficient points system, the Top Leagues will be scored on points table based on team finishes within the 3 Cup Tournaments. Winner = 20 Points. Runner Up = 15 Points. Semi = 10 Points. Quarter = 8 Points.  3rd Round = 4 points. 2nd Round = 2 points. 1st Round = 1 point. The most likely final 5 spots would be from Greece, Russia, Portugal, Holland… Denmark/Ukraine/Belgium etc. The first option is probably more favourable to the money men as it brings more of the big names, plus it’s easier, so lets go with that for now.

The Second competition would be a revised Europa League. Lets call it The Europa Cup. Similar to the above set up, the current 48 teams would become 64, and it would be another Knockout tournament only. Finalists would play maximum of eleven matches. There would be no more of the teams kicked out of the Champions League dropping into the Europa League and there would be no Group Stages or Qualifying rounds. Qualification is based on League Results only. Qualifiers are made up of the next highest finisher from each of the Top 54 Leagues who did not qualify for Champions Cup, so based on Option 1 above it would be the 4th place finisher from England, Spain etc, and the second place finisher from Sweden, Poland, Scotland etc. 10 Spots Remaining – these would be made up of next highest finisher from the Top 10 Leagues in Europe, using same pointing system outlined above. The Top Ten Leagues based on the UEFA coefficient for last season are England, Spain, Italy, Germany, France, Portugal, Holland, Russia, Belgium, and Ukraine so for the sake of this post I’m going to pick those rather than trying to use my own points system – I haven’t got all day.

Our final, newest competition may be the most interesting in terms of qualification, and maybe in terms of teams involved. It’s the revamped Cup Winners Cup, so lets just call it the Cup Winners Cup. Many of the big nations have more than one domestic Cup competition. The winner of each domestic cup competition automatically qualifies. If a team wins a Cup and finishes high enough in the league to qualify for one of the other two European competitions, they can either choose to also play in the Cup Winners Cup, or offer their place to the Runner Up. Similarly, if the Runner Up has already qualified, they would pass their position over to the 3rd place team within said Cup. To spice things up, most domestic cups don’t bother with a 3rd place play-off, so the 3rd and 4th team may need to play a qualifying match against each other. This is a great opportunity for the smaller teams in the bigger leagues to get some travel, new fans, and bonus money. Just to ensure teams don’t start randomly creating 2nd Domestic Cup competitions for the sole purpose of getting into Europe, lets place a ten year limit on new Cups – it has to exist for 10 Seasons before a team is eligible to qualify for Europe. If it does ever reach that point, I’m happy expanding this (somehow) to a 128 team knockout, because that would be fucking ridiculous. For the sake of this post, if the winner of the Cup has already qualified, I’ll try to pick the next club. Sadly, no system is perfect and by my count this gives me only 60 teams, leaving 4 open spots. The Dutch Cup Final was called off so I’m going to just add both finalists which means 3 open spots. There’s no good way of assigning those – most goals scored, best Nations runner up again? Random? Just be like Eurovision and invite Australia and some other Countries? Lets go the Runner up route in Top 10 Countries, who haven’t qualified for some other competition.

I did spend a couple of minutes wondering if the Current Champions League format should simply be retained, except only the Top 4 teams from the Top 8 Countries qualify. Then there would be some slight modifications to my plans for the Europa League, and I pondered having a 4th Cup which would allow the runners up from smaller leagues and a few smaller teams from bigger leagues their chance for silverware. But balls to that.

Before going through each Country, let me deal with some of the criticisms you’ve likely been spouting:

‘You’re an idiot’ – never said I wasn’t. In any case, settle down, none of this will ever happen (even though it clearly should).

‘I only want to see the best teams’ – then only watch those matches. People will watch what they want. There is a high chance for many Crap Unknown Team versus Crap Unknown team matches, but those still happen now in the Champions League. How about we give the Crap Unknown Teams a chance to get better and become known?

‘Half of these teams are semi-professional and don’t have adequate Stadium facilities’ – to me, that’s fantastic. Teams may qualify with a shared stadium, or a pitch with only 1000 capacity, and they may get Real Madrid in the first round. That’s hilarious to me. It happens currently in the FA Cup and it’s a great way for the multi-millionaires to show that it’s about the game, the fans, and not the money. If the big boys don’t want to field their best players, that’s fine. They risk being knocked out. The potential rewards for the smaller teams getting on this world stage far outweigh the grumblings of the elite.

‘I don’t like football’ – get a job, hippy.

Countries By Loose Ascending Ranking (and their most recent qualifiers):

Liechenstein: Only has 7 teams, and these teams play in the Swiss Football League. Therefore there is a high chance that no team from Liechenstein will ever qualify for any of the three European Club competitions.

San Marino: Famously one of the worst National teams in the world (perhaps unfair because they compete in Europe), San Marino nevertheless has its own league with 15 teams.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Tre Fiori

Europa Cup Qualifier: Folgore (with their awesome 700 capacity stadium)

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Tre Fiori

Malta: For a country with a population of around half a million, Malta has a fully fledged League and Cup football system. Its Premier League contains 16 teams.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Floriana

Europa Cup Qualifier: Valletta

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Balzan (whose Ground is part of a School)

Andorra: With a population lower than 80000, Andorra is unsurprisingly not a European Football powerhouse. Their position between the powerhouses of France and Spain does mean they know a thing or two about the game.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Inter Escaldes

Europa Cup Qualifier: FC Santa Coloma

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Inter Escaldes

Latvia: Perennial competitors against my own Northern Ireland, Latvia have a regular League and Cup system.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Riga FC

Europa Cup Qualifier: RFS

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: FK RFS

Faroe Islands: Another Country which acts as the whipping boys for everyone else, they have been better in recent years.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Havnar Boltfelag

Europa Cup Qualifier: NSI Runavik

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: HB or Vikingur

Gibraltar: This is where things get silly, as ‘The Rock’ has a population of less than 35000 – less than the capacity of most Premier League stadiums. Being a British territory, it has one of the longest histories of football in the world and they somehow have a domestic cup and multiple leagues.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Europa

Europa Cup Qualifier: ST Joseph’s

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Europa

Moldova: One of the more recent Countries, and one of several forming from the collapse of the USSR, Moldova still has a Cup and set of Leagues.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Sheriff Teraspol

Europa Cup Qualifier: Sfintul Gheorghe

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Petrocub Hincesti

Kazakhstan: Until recently the Kazakhstan Premier League was quite competitive, with 9 different Champions in its 29 year history – though Astana has dominated recently with 6 Titles in a row.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Kairat

Europa Cup Qualifier: Tobol

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Kaisar

Azerbaijan: Sadly the most famous piece of football history in Azerbaijan was that they were banned for 2 years by UEFA due to fraud.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Qarabag

Europa Cup Qualifier: Neftki Baku

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Gabala

Armenia: Another recent Eastern Bloc country, like others, Armenia has failed to qualify for any major national tournament. Also like other, their stadium sizes are fairly small and my be interesting if the big boys come to play.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Ararat Armenia

Europa Cup Qualifier: Lori

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Noah

Luxembourg: At the risk of sounding repetitive – another small nation with leagues and cup.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: F91 Dudelange

Europa Cup Qualifier: Fola Esch

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Etzella Ettelbruck

Belarus: We’re getting to the more interesting countries now. Another former Soviet Union State, Belarus has only been around since the early 90s, but one of their teams has appeared numerous times in the Champion’s League, and two teams have been regulars in the Europa League (famously BATE was knocked out on goal difference by PSG in 2010-2011). At least this way they won’t have the long slog of qualifying rounds.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Shakhtyor Soligorsk

Europa Cup Qualifier: BATE

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: BATE Borisov or Dynamo Brest

Kosovo: For a Country you probably know nothing about (beyond War) it has an impressive number of clubs and competitions.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Drita

Europa Cup Qualifier: Gjilani

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Prishtina

North Macedonia: The Country seems to be on an upward cycle, having narrowly missed out on winning Eurovision (if you’re into that sort of thing) and having qualified for Euro 2020 (or 2021 as it’s now called).

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Vardar

Europa Cup Qualifier: Sileks

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Akademija Pandev

Georgia: You know the story – former USSR – fairly new.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Dinamo Tblisi

Europa Cup Qualifier: Dinamo Batumi

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Saburtalo

Lithuania: See above.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Zalgiris Vilnius

Europa Cup Qualifier: Sudova

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: FK Panevezys

Slovenia: See above, but replace USSR with Yugoslavia.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Celja

Europa Cup Qualifier: Maribor

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Mura

Estonia: Estonia is one of those countries which looks set to finally begin qualifying for one of the major International competitions one of these years as those in charge change the rules to be more inclusive and expansive. As yet, the country has qualified for nowt.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Flora

Europa Cup Qualifier: Paide Linnameedskonde

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Narva Trans.

Cyprus: As a separate entity from Greece, Cyprus deserves its own representation. APOEL famously made it to the Quarter Finals of The Champions League in 2012 and has qualified on three other occasions. They also pop up in the Europa League from time to time, so they are not to be taken lightly.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: APOEL

Europa Cup Qualifier: Apollon Limassol

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: AEL Limassol

Montenegro: Splitting from Serbia in 2006, Montenegro is one of the most recent independent nations. As such the domestic league system has only been around for a couple of decades.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Budocnost

Europa Cup Qualifier: Sutjeska

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Lovcen (member of third league!)

Albania: We’re getting into the lower tier of nations who do actually qualify for major Championships.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: KF Tirana

Europa Cup Qualifier: Kukesi

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Tueta

Greece: Greek teams have been a mainstay of top tier European competition for decades, but in recent years they’ve fallen away a bit not least due to their economy crisis. Nevertheless, there’s always at least couple of Greek Teams in the major tournaments – this new system will ensure they keep up the trend.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Olympiacos

Europa Cup Qualifier: PAOK

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Olympiacos or AEK.

Romania: Romania had a Golden Age when I was growing up in the 90s, but they haven’t quite kept up in the decades since, remaining a periphery nation.  Romania has had two major domestic competitions over the years, but their League Cup was recently abolished again leaving a solo Cup. Currently the League winners qualify for the 3rd Qualifying round of the Champion’s League, with the Cup Winner and 2nd and 3rd place League finishers making it to the Europa League qualification rounds. With my system, teams would be guaranteed a spot. Two teams have dominated Romanian football since the beginning, but recently those two teams have been outwitted and been much less successful on their own turf.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: CFR Cluj

Europa Cup Qualifier: Universitatea Craiova

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Steaua Bucuresti

Hungary: Once a European powerhouse with one of the most successful teams in history, Hungary dipped into a deep decline for several decades. All points suggest a bit of a recent resurgence, though domestic teams have never had much success on the bigger stages. 4 teams make it to the qualifying rounds of the Euro Competitions currently, similar to Romania.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Ferencvarosi

Europa Cup Qualifier: Fehervar

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Budapest Honved

Israel: I’m not sure why Israel football is ranked so highly, given they have not really achieved anything. They do compete on some of those other Cups that no-one cares about, but they’ve only appeared in a single World Cup and their domestic teams have not achieved much. Recent years have seen an impressive run list of appearances though. Current qualification is much the same as Hungary, however Israel does have two domestic Cups.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Maccabi Tel Aviv

Europa Cup Qualifier: Maccabi Haifa

Cup Winners Cup Qualifiers: Hapoel Be’er Sheva and Beitar Jerusalem

Bulgaria: Like Romania, these boys had a Golden Age in the 90s, but not much since. A number of domestic teams are mainstays in the Europa League currently.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Ludogorets Razgrad

Europa Cup Qualifier: Locomotiv Plovdiv

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Locomotiv Plovdiv or CSKA Sofia

Finland: The least successful of the major Nordic nations, Finnish domestic football isn’t exactly known for setting the continent on fire, with their biggest stars moving to bigger leagues.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: HJK

Europa Cup Qualifier: FC Inter Turku

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: HJK or FC Inter Turku.

Serbia: Now on its own after Montenegro split, Serbia still has a decent enough record in National and Domestic spaces, including memorably beating Germany in the World Cup (though followed up by losing to Australia). On the domestic front, teams from Serbia have been both finalists and winner in the major European competitions, though those days seem to be long gone.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Red Star Belgrade

Europa Cup Qualifier: Partizan

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Vojvodina

Norway: Norway has competed at the highest levels a few times in their history, but are not exactly a regular. Domestically quite competitive, with 17 League winners in less than 100 years, those clubs are not overly successful on the European front.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Bodo

Europa Cup Qualifier: Molde

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Viking

Scotland: While Scotland has produced a few all time great players and managers, their International form is poor compared with their neighbours, and their domestic League is dominated by two teams. Those teams do have a fairly decent record in Europe (along with a few notable exceptions in previous decades from other teams), and with my system we’re basically guaranteeing that Rangers and/or Celtic will be there every year. Plus we have genuinely big stadiums to host big teams. Scotland also has two Domestic Cups.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Celtic

Europa Cup Qualifier: Rangers

Cup Winners Cup Qualifiers: Hearts

Northern Ireland: As a Northern Ireland bloke, I have no qualms about saying our football is terrible. Sub-standard. Awful. But then again I’m not a patriot and couldn’t name a single player from our current squad. Billy Balaclava? Jonty Spud? George Best? The domestic front is a farce, with little or no dent on European football, but the National Team has improved in recent years to reaching the point of almost qualifying for things rather than being the laughing stock of the home nations. It amuses me no end imaging the likes of Barcelona and Liverpool possibly playing against Glentoran in the Champions League.  We do have two cups, so it increases the chances of glory/hilarity.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Linfield

Europa Cup Qualifier: Crusaders

Cup Winners Cup Qualifiers: Glentoran and Coleraine

Republic Of Ireland: Heading South of the border and things are only marginally better. The national team has had a fair go at things one or two times, but domestically there isn’t a huge history of success. At least my system guarantees a couple of clubs will be showcased worldwide.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Shamrock Rovers

Europa Cup Qualifier: Bohemians

Cup Winners Cup Qualifiers: Dundalk and Derry City

Turkey: Every so often Turkey sees a spike in performance both domestically and on the national side, though their domestic football teams see more consistently good results, with the same handful of teams outperforming the rest of the Turkish clubs.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Istanbul Basaksehir

Europa Cup Qualifier: Beziktas

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Trabzonspor

Slovakia: Slovakia have done well since splitting from the Czechs, and as a new independent nation they have had plenty of success – historically of course Czechoslovakia was a middling force in World football for 50 years.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Slovan Bratislava

Europa Cup Qualifier: Zilina

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Slovan Bratislava or MFK Ruzomberok.

Czech Republic: We’re getting into the big boys now. The Czech Republic had one of the best National teams I’ve ever seen for a period in the late 90s to early 2000s. It just so happened that other teams had their own brilliant individual players. A couple of the domestic clubs have real European heritage, though the lack of wins and finalists keeps them lower down the pecking order.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Slavia Prague

Europa Cup Qualifier: Viktoria Plzen

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Sparta Prague

Wales: The least successful of the home nations historically, with Wales being more of a Rugby country, Wales has seen one of the largest jumps in quality and success of any Country recently. On the domestic front, their best teams play in the English Leagues instead, but they do still have their own league and cups giving teams a better, but still small, chance of playing in Europe. Under my system, a couple will be guaranteed.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Connah’s Quay Nomads

Europa Cup Qualifier: The New Saints

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: The New Saints and Connah’s Quay Nomads or STM Sports

Austria: Austria is one of those Countries which surprises me when they are so high in the rankings. Sure they’ve been in plenty of World Cups, but haven’t achieved much. Domestically, it is only in recent years that a small number of clubs have been making waves in Europe, typically feeding bigger teams with great players, yet still achieving.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: RB Salzburg

Europa Cup Qualifier: LASK

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: RB Salzburg or SC Austria Lustenau

Russia (Top 10 Nation): The dissolution of the Soviet Union had the impact of creating a bunch of independent nations with their own teams, but didn’t really slow or change Russia’s progress or quality. Russia either always qualifies or almost qualifies, and a few of their domestic teams have a rich history in Europe.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Zenit St Petersburg

Europa Cup Qualifier: Lokomotive Moscow and Krasnodar

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Zenit St Petersburg or Khimki.

Sweden: Sweden have been so close to winning a number of times, and as such they are a significant European force. The domestic league is less impressive, with most if not all of the best players quickly being snapped up elsewhere.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Malmo

Europa Cup Qualifier: IF Elsborg

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: IFK Goteborg

Denmark: The most successful Nordic nation, Denmark’s fame is largely down to winning the Euros in 1992. Since then, their appearances and successes have been average. On the Domestic front, Danish teams tend to fare better in the Europa League but have had various impacts within the Champions League.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: FC Midtjylland

Europa Cup Qualifier: Copenhagen

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Sonderjyske

Ukraine (Top 10 Nation): The biggest success since splitting from the USSR, Ukraine have had a number of high performing players leading to impressive appearances on the World and European stages, though they have been on a downward slide. Domestically two clubs dominate, and both clubs have a strong history in Europe, including Championship wins.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Shakhtar Donetsk

Europa Cup Qualifier: Dynamo Kyiv and Zorya Luhansk

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Dynamo Kyiv or Vorskla Poltava

Bosnia & Herzogovina: The breakaways from Yugoslavia with the second most success, even if success is a bit of a stretch given they’ve only qualified for a single World Cup.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Sarajevo

Europa Cup Qualifier: Zeljeznicar

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Sarajevo or Siroki Brijeg

Iceland: These guys came from nowhere, then took the world by storm in the 2010s. Like many of the nations above I’m sure this success or hype won’t last, but it has been enjoyable watching a bunch of unknowns from a Country known more for being ‘oh so quiet (sssh…. sssssh)’ topple the big boys.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Valur

Europa Cup Qualifier: Breioablik

Cup Winners Cup Qualifiers: KR, FH, and Vikingur Reykjavik

Germany (Top 5 Nation): I don’t know Germany is ranked so low on this coefficient list, but there you go. It’s Germany – you know them, you know their clubs.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund, RB Leipzig.

Europa Cup Qualifier: Borussia Monchengladbach, Bayern Leverkusen

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Bayern Leverkusen or Bayerm Munich

Poland: Winners once at the Olympics (which no-one really cares about, but should) and fairly frequent also-rans at the World Cup and the Euros, I don’t think anyone considers Poland or the Polish league as better than, or even on par with Germany. But there you go.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Legia Warsaw

Europa Cup Qualifier: Piast Gliwice

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Cracovia and Lechia Gdasnk

Croatia: The biggest success story of the Yugoslavia split, Croatia have been more successful than the likes of England in the last 30 years, finishing 3rd and 2nd in World Cups. Their domestic competitions don’t match the success of their international team as once again the best players move to the big leagues.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Dinamo Zagreb

Europa Cup Qualifier: Lokomotiva

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Rijeka

Italy (Top 5 Nation): You know the Country, the teams, the players.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Juventus. Inter Milan. Atalanta.

Europa Cup Qualifier: Lazio. Roma.

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Napoli and Juventus.

Spain: (Top 5 Nation): You know the Country, the teams, the players.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Real Madrid. Barcelona. Athletico Madrid.

Europa Cup Qualifier: Sevilla. Villareal.

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Real Sociodad and Athletic Bilbao.

Belgium (Top 10 Nation): Belgium was a nothing team for decades, then had a Golden Age in the 80s -90s, and then in the early Noughties the odd very good player would pop up and there were whisperings of a new power rising in the East. Suddenly a batch of very very good players came at the same time, propelling Belgium into the big time. Will it last? Domestically the nation has a hit and miss history, with a few sides notable for their successes.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Club Brugge.

Europa Cup Qualifier: Gent. Charleroi.

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Antwerp

France (Top 5 Nation): You know the Country, the teams, the players.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: PSG. Marseille. Rennes.

Europa Cup Qualifier: Lille. Nice

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: PSG or St Etienne and Lyon.

Portugal (Top 10 Country): The underperformer when rated alongside neighbours Spain, Portugal have nevertheless had a lot of success domestically, and recently as a Country.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Porto

Europa Cup Qualifier: Benfica and Braga.

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Porto or Benfica or Academico de Viseu or Famalicao

Netherlands (Top 10 Country): Neither the force they had been in recent eras nationally or domestically, Netherlands still manages to produce some of the best players in the world and you can’t write the Nation or their teams off.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Ajax

Europa Cup Qualifier: Alkmaar and Feyenoord

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Utrecht and Feyenoord (Cancelled due to Covid)

England (Top 5 Country): It’s the biggest, most successful, richest, most competitive, and best league in the world. Or at least it was till they started making changes and employed shockingly bad referees.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Liverpool. Man City. Man Utd.

Europa Cup Qualifier: Chelsea. Leicester.

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Arsenal and Man City or Tottenham

Switzerland: No idea why they are so high, but they’re the last time on the list, thank thy Lord.

Champion’s Cup Qualifier: Young Boys.

Europa Cup Qualifier: St Gallen

Cup Winners Cup Qualifier: Young Boys or Basel

So if we take the 2019 – 2020 Season as an example, below is what this season’s imaginary competitions could have looked like. Just look at the amount of unnecessary effort I put into this! For the Cup Winners Cup, in those instances where the Cup Winner had already qualified, I’ve just gone with the easiest route and let the runner up qualify.

Champions Cup First Round

Sheriff Teraspol VS RB Salzburg     Bodo VS Marseille                Zenit St Petersberg VS Qarabag

Juventus VS Budocnost                 Drita VS Istanbul Basaksehir  APOEL VS Barcelona

Liverpool VS PSG                           HJK VS Maccabi Tel Aviv        Borussia Dortmund VS Ararat Armenia

KF Tirana VS Sarajevo                    Malmo VS FC Midtyjlland      Ajax VS Porto

Slavia Prague VS Connah’s Quay Nomads                                   Kairat VS Shamrock Rovers

Riga FC VS Shakhtyor Soligorsk    Atalanta VS Vardar                 Athletico Madrid VS Man City

Ferencvarosi VS Red Star                                                              Shaktar Donestsk VS Inter Escalades

Rennes VS Inter Milan                   Celja VS Zalgiris Vilnius          RB Leipzig VS F91 Dudelange

Ludogorets VS Flora                     Dinamo Tblisi VS Tre Fiori       Man UTD VS Dinamo Zagreb

Floriana VS Linfield                                                                       Havnar Boltfelag VS Olympiacos

Young Boys VS Legia Warsaw      CFR Clug VS Valur                    Real Madrid VS Slovan Bratislava

Bayern Munich VS Club Brugge                                                   Celtic VS Europa

Okay, so the money men may not be happy with that draw given that a couple of the favourites will be knocked out at the first hurdle. Liverpool VS PSG is the pick of the bunch. PSG are multi time Billionaires, but haven’t won much in Europe, versus 6 time winners Liverpool. One of them will be going home with nothing. Ajax and Porto could be interesting – both former winners but both shadows of their former selves. Man City’s plastic billionaires could slip up against an always tricky Athletico Madrid but elsewhere the big teams should pass through – Brugge shouldn’t have enough to stop Munich, Madrid should get past Bratislava, while Utd could have a tricky enough time against Dinamo Zagreb. Barcelona, Inter, Dortmund, Juventus all go through untroubled. Plenty of tiny and middling teams will therefore progress to the next round and get more of that sweet sweet qualifying and viewer cash. Ironically, Floriana and Linfield met last year in the Europa Qualifiers, with Floriana winning so the Northern Ireland champions will be out for revenge. Eventually some of the minnows are bound to meet up with the big boys – and probably be destroyed – but it all raises their profile and could help them become true competitors in the future. At the very least – something to tell the grandkids.

Europa Cup First Round

Dynamo Kiev VS Benfica                Sutjeska VS Breioablik          Lazio VS Universitatea Craiova

Lille VS Sfintul Gheorghe               Partizan VS Krasnodar          Maribor VS FC Inter Turku

FK RFS VS St Josephs                     Maccabi Haifa VS BATE        LASK VS The New Saints

Lokomotiv Moscow VS PAOK        Kukesi VS Apollon Limassol  Chelsea VS Braga

Piast Gliwice VS St Gallen              Besiktas VS Viktoria Plzen    Crusaders VS AZ Alkmaar

IF Elsborg VS Gent                        Nice VS Neftki Baku              Paide Linnameeskond VS Feyonoord

Roma VS Lokomotiv Plovdiv        Sevilla VS Zorya Luhansk       Tobol VS Folgore

Dinamo Batumi VS Sileks             Molde VS FC Santa Coloma   Fola Esch VS Villareal

Fehervar VS Lokomotiva              Bohemians VS Gjilani             Charleroi VS Bayern Leverkusen

Leicester VS NSI Runavik             Zilina VS Valetta                      Sudova VS Rangers

Zeljeznicar VS Lori                       Copenhagen VS Borussia Monchengladbach

Lets take a look at the pick of this round – the first match out of the hat is the tastiest, two decent teams and only one can go through – no matter who loses, most other teams’ chances go up by one. Chelsea VS Braga could be interesting, on paper Chelsea should have no problems but Braga won’t lie down. Crusaders get a tough tie against Alkmaar, Europa League specialists should knock out Zorya, Leicester will enjoy a trip to the Faroe Islands. A few other tight contests and always the slight chance of an upset.

Cup Winners Cup First Round

Sonderjyske VS Gabala                    Hearts VS Basel                    Steaua Bucuresti VS FK Panevezys

Antwerp VS MFK Ruzomberok        Khimki VS FK RFS                 Prishtina VS Etzella Ettelbruck

Noah VS Arsenal                             Vojvodina VS Viking              Lechia Gdansk VS Inter Escalada

Budapest Honved VS Feyenoord    HJK VS Sparta Prague           Coleraine VS Siroki Brijeg

Lovcen VS Derry City                                                                     Vikingur Reykjavik VS Narva Trans

Balzan VS Hapoel Be’er Sheva        Lyon VS The New Saints        KR VS Tueta

Kaisar VS IFK Goterborg                                                                Tottenham VS Dynamo Brest

Athletic Bilbao VS Tre Fiori              Cracovia VS St Etienne          Akademija Pandev VS AEK

Bayern Munich VS CSKA Sofia        Europa VS Vikingur               Mura VS Glentoran

Dundalk VS Academico De Viseu   Rijeka VS Utrecht                   FH VS Trabzonspor

SC Austria Lustenau VS AEL Limassol                                           Saburtalo VS Napoli

STM Sports VS Petrocab Hincesti                                                 Beitar Jerusalem VS Vorskla Poltava

I admit than on the surface that’s a crappy line-up, and not a lot for the purists to enjoy. But that’s always been the case for these competitions and it’ll be the fans tuning in rather than the general public/fans of other teams. Still, a few matches stand out – Bayern Munich should easily be winning this competition (assuming they don’t play a B Team) but they have a tough first tie against CSKA Sofia. Elsewhere there’s little chance of giant killing – Spurs should comfortably beat Dynamo Brest, Arsenal should destroy NOAH (who have only existed for a couple of years), and Napoli should have no problems. Hearts VS Basel could be interesting, and for selfish reasons (given that I’m friendly with their manager and his wife) Coleraine travel to Bosnia.

Finally. There you have it. What do you think? What is your preferred format for elite European football? Do you like the current set up of the Champions League and Europa League? Would you like to see a third Competition created/reinstated to give other clubs that extra shot of money? Let us know in the comments!

The Ultimate Wrestlemania – Part One

Greetings, Glancers! It’s Wrestlemania weekend – or at least it is when I’m writing this. I was watching some of the ponderous build-up to the biggest event in Sports Entertainment and was pleased to see some time (too much time) dedicated to a panel discussion on ‘The Ultimate Wrestlemania’. Basically, a bunch of Wrestling fan nobodies had to create their fantasy Ultimate Wrestlemania card – 10 matches which they would love to see. The interesting this is that they could pick any wrestler from any era, any wrestler alive or dead, and pit them against any other wrestler. This naturally had me and the family thinking about our own dream matches, and as I’m not averse to writing every little pointless thing which pops into my head, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing in the next post – my fantasy Wrestlemania. I take even more liberties with the format and pull in performers from other promotions. But that’s for later. For now, I just wanted to look at the panel’s picks.

 

Before I go any further, it’s worth noting that the guys know their stuff, and go into a whole hell of a lot of detail on each match, down to gimmicks, who wins, the length of each match, costumes, entrances etc. I don’t care about any of that. Also, while many potential matchups were discussed and discarded meaning a lot of big names obviously don’t make it on, they also seem to have gone for people known for having big Wrestlemania matches and moments. In my list, I’ve simply gone with a mixture of my favourites and who I would love to have seen in a match together. Plus, my list will be limited to those I grew up with or have a lot of experience in watching.

Trish Stratus Vs Sasha Banks: As loose as free-wheeling as this discussion was, I’m sure someone high up the chain had a word beforehand and said ‘you need to include <insert current popular superstar’s name here> on the show, or it ain’t happening’. Presumably that’s why this match exists. Technically this match could still happen, as unlikely as that is, but these Hall Of Famers coming out of retirement to take on the current roster is a thing that still goes on (Edge Vs Bryan Vs Reigns anyone?). But out of all the female wrestlers there have been and currently are, this is your pick? I liked Trish – didn’t think she was much of a wrestler at the start, and certainly improved, but for whatever reason she is the WWE’s main Ambassador for kick-starting the female wrestling revolution. Sasha Banks is the current champ, so sure. They’re both… sassy? Seems like a decent match, but it would be fairly low down my list of fantasy matches.

Big E Vs Goldberg: Now what in the actual fuck is this? Like most sane people, I can’t stand The New Day. They’re fine, but WWE has had this thing over the past few years of only pushing like three teams – The New Day, The Bar, The Uzos. We have finally seen each of those teams split/disband, or change, but the constant title changes between these three and hardly anyone else, has been very very silly. The New Day – kids like them, they sell a lot of merch. But a singles match featuring Big E is not something which would interest me, and the fact that he’s put up against Goldberg seems pointless. I assume they’re picking peak Goldberg, at which point this match would last all of about 50 seconds. I’m sure Big E will continue this current push in breaking out as a solo star, but he’s nowhere near on Goldberg’s level. This one is a complete mystery.

Dudley Boyz VS Hardey Boyz VS The New Day VS Legion Of Doom (TLC Match): A no brainer. Of the many times Jeff, Matt, Devon, and Bubba have met, the TLC matches are all time classics. With this being a fantasy Card, why not chuck in a couple of teams who never had the chance to meet. I wouldn’t go with The New Day, though I can see them giving this one a fair go, but Legion Of Doom seem like a better fit for what is essentially a chaotic Attitude Era match. We have two high flying teams against two brawling teams – seems like a match made in heaven.

The Rock VS Shawn Michaels (HHH Special Guest Ref): One of the big dream matches which never really happened – arguably the most popular Superstar of all time taking on one of the finest Wrestlemania performers ever. The legend goes that the two didn’t get on in real life and therefore didn’t want that to make it onto screen or in the ring. Again it seems like a no brainer that a match these two at their peak, would be one for the ages.

Charlotte Vs Beth Phoenix Vs Chyna: This is where things get interesting – three generations of performer who never really had the chance to meet, including the late Chyna. Each of these ladies is known for their power game with Chyna not having anyone decent to face off against in her day, with Beth coming later, and with Charlotte the current leader – although more and more female performers are coming into the fray – Shayna, Rhea, Bianca etc. I’m not a huge fan of triple threats, but this would be a cool match to see.

Yokozuna Vs Roman Reigns: Two legends, and of course they were related. I’m not sure what sort of match this would be – assuming you pick a more agile Yokozuna I can see this being fairly entertaining. There’s so much of a different style between the two – not just because of their body and character types, but because of the eras they found themselves in. I’d of course be curious to see how it would go, but I don’t think it would be a personal highlight.

Undertaker Vs Macho Man: This is one of those matches you assumed must have happened all the time back in the day, but it didn’t. Macho was bigger in the 80s while Taker only really hit it off in the early 90s and while the two crossed paths there was never a huge feud. This is a case of legend versus legend, and that’s exactly what these fantasy cards are all about.

Hogan Vs Cena: This is one of those dream matches that almost happened and which people have dreamed of. Cena gets a lot of hate and Hogan… well we all know Hogan has made mistakes. But there’s no doubting both are highest of the highest icons in the biz. Peak Hogan against peak Cena would be a spectacle, no doubt.

CM Punk Vs Stone Cold Steve Austin: Honestly, CM Punk’s time in WWE was the same time I’d stopped watching, so I essentially missed his whole era. I’ve caught a few of his highlights on the Network, but mostly I’ve stuck to the major PPVs. I didn’t think much of him when he started out and I think he remains a divisive figure. Whatevs. If people think this would be a good match, great, there’s other people I’d like to see Austin drop.

Becky Lynch and Bret Hart Vs Ronda Rousey and Brock Lesnar: This is another strange one for me, where they seem to have gone for star power and preference – again, if these guys are your preferences that’s fine. I could get on board with this if the story was interesting, but I’m not a big fan of any of these guys. Bret is a legend, no doubt, but he’s so much of a grump that it’s difficult seeing him tag with anyone these days. I’d stick him here with Natalya. I never got on the Becky Lynch bandwagon – the whole The Man shtick works, but got old very quickly. I find her quite a sloppy performer when compared with many of the other ladies, and The Man shtick started out as a Heel turn which didn’t work because she’s so inexplicably popular. I like Ronda – she wasn’t given a decent chance to shine and the crowd took a great dislike to her. Her move-set may have been limited, but she had a lot of potential. And Brock? Look, Brock is a beast. The Beast. But lets face it, he’s only so popular because of Paul Heyman. Take Heyman away, and Brock becomes another Lars Sullivan, albeit a more capable performer and athletic freak. I’d like to see Brock against another freak, I’d like to see Bret against a similar technical wrestler, like Eddie Guerrero.

Next time I’m going to present my ideal Wrestlemania card – for now, let us know your thoughts on the panel’s matches above, and feel free to share some fantasy matches of your own!

Fantasy Festival Line Up – Day Three

It’s our last day – lets make it a good one. That stranger you spent the night with… I’m sorry to say that you won’t keep in contact with them, but that’s fine – just let it be a beautiful 24 hour romance and long may it remain in your memory.

10 – 11: John Carpenter

I think this one could be a possibility given John’s recent touring and focus on music. I’d love to see the great man live and while I feel that an indoor, night time setting would suit his music better, there’s no way he’s going to headline here and a morning blast of Halloween or some of his Lost Tracks would be superb.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

11 – 12: Lovebites

My favourite recent band, there’s no reason why Lovebites shouldn’t be huge. Well, people are idiots, so that’s the main reason they won’t be as successful as they should be. They are a Japanese metal band, but get this – they’re all girls – shock! And double shock, they’re amazing musicians, playing face-melting power metal! I jest of course, but the focus on the band is usually that they are female. Regardless, this is an injection of pure adrenaline and delight, a throwback to the glory days with a renewed sense of fun and exuberance.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

12 – 2: Natalie Imbruglia

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again here – Natalie Imbruglia is the finest pop star of her generation, to the extent that pop star is too cheap a term for her. She has a huge array of hits released and otherwise, and is an intelligent writer and performer who doesn’t get any of the credit she deserves. A sunny lunchtime outdoor gig would be perfect for her blend of angst anthems and melancholic pop.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

2 – 4: The Delays

While we’re on the subject of pop perfection, The Delays are another band who came out at the same time as all of the other ‘The’ bands, but surpass them all in terms of sheer melody. The Delays see one of the finest vocalists in the business – Greg Gilbert – lending his incredible falsetto to some of the most infectious hooks you’ll ever hear. Imagine The Beach Boys crossed with Nirvana and you’re somewhere close to the mark. Unfortunately the band hasn’t released anything in 9 years due to family commitments followed by Greg getting cancer. He’s still fighting, and I’m holding out for a glorious return.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

4 – 6: Joni Mitchell

Maybe the greatest living singer songwriter, Joni Mitchell has had her (un)fair share of health issues in the last years but in her early years everything she touched was gold. I’m a much bigger fan of her folk stuff than her later jazz and blues stuff, but a late afternoon 2 hour set from this Goddess would strike the hippy chord which all festivals need.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

6 – 8: The Gathering

I mentioned Natalie Imbruglia being an underrated pop star – The Gathering are the best unknown band in the world, an incredible collection of artists who change with each release and can variously be called a metal band, an atmospheric rock band, post-prog, shoegaze etc. I’ve reviewed most of their stuff on this blog already and every music fan should definitely check them out. The band has had line-up changes over the years but for the purposes of this festival I’d love to have Anneke Van Giersbergen and Silje Wergeland on stage together like at their 25th anniversary show. They are definitely a band to enjoy in the dark, so this time of the day should suit them perfectly.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 1

8 – 10: The Beatles

What is this? The Beatles, not headlining? Blasphemy! Well, yes, but I rate my headliner higher and would want to see them more than the Fab Four. The Beatles stopped performing live just as they were hitting their peak in musical releases meaning a tonne of their best songs were never performed by the original band together. But this is fantasy, so my show will see The Beatles alive, well, and together, playing songs from their entire catalogue with no technical concerns. Surely that is the Holy Grail of all music fans?

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

10 – 12: Michael Jackson

There was never going to be anyone else to close my original festival. Jackson is the greatest and to me personally had the biggest impact on me musically. It’s rare a day passes that I don’t either listen to or play one of his songs in my head. He was a born headliner and he was cruelly taken just before what was sure to be a glorious tour. Here he is free to play whatever the hell he wants with as huge a stage show as he wants, and there’s no-one else in the history of music I’d want to see live more.

Number Of Times Seen Live: 0

Let us know in the comments who else you would add to you festival line-up!

Fantasy Festival Line Up – Day Two

Wake up, rise and shine – it’s another jam packed day of music and fun! No, you don’t have time to wash, and I don’t want to hear any crap about hangovers – grab another cider and keep her lit! Check out Part One here!

9.30 – 11: Basil Poledouris

Keeping with the instrumental start to the morning as exemplified in Day One, we kick off Day Two with the greatest underappreciated composer in Hollywood History. Poledouris sadly passed away a few years ago, but as this is fantasy he has been resurrected say thank ya. I’ve talked about his Conan The Barbarian score being the best movie score ever written, but he is also known for many other personal favourites and classics – Robocop, Starship Troopers, The Hunt For Red October, Free Willy, Lonesome Dove – all of which would sound epic on stage with a full orchestra.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

11 – 12: Lene Marlin

Lene Marlin is primarily known for her late nineties hit Sitting Down Here, which many people probably view as a quirky one hit wonder. While she is in no way prolific, she has released several superb albums – Sitting Down Here is not the best representation of her music, sounding light and fun. The vast majority of her output is dark and what the average fool on the street would consider depressing – highly melodic but often horribly sad. Who said festivals needed to be a superfunhappy time? Nevertheless, her songs introspective quality balanced against the hooks would set the scene for an intimate, emotional gig.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

12 – 1: Mika Bomb

We’d need something faster and more upbeat after Lene – who better than a bunch of punk ladies from Japan with songs rarely going beyond three and a half minutes. With only two (great) albums in almost twenty years, the band remain essentially unknown, but a big festival performance could be what they need to fire them into the spotlight – songs like Bettie Page, Super Sexy Razor Happy Girls, Contact Tokyo, Heart Attack, Shut Your Mouth, and more, these would get the crowd pumped up and ready to smash the place up. Possibly the most fun, buck nuts gig of the weekend.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

1 – 3: Tori Amos

It’s a bit of a jump about day – with Tori we’d return to a more settled calm. Naturally, the super fans will clamour to the front while others may want to grab some lunch and keep an ear out for the songs they know. There are few artists now with such an eclectic and long history as Tori – you never know what you’re going to get from one of her shows. Performing since the 80s and still going today, you can be sure to get a range of angry piano led alt rock classics, tempestuous epics with orchestral backing (maybe Basil would like to join in), and ballads to poke holes in your soul.

Have I Seen Them Live: Yes – Belfast

3 – 5: Alice In Chains

As a grunge kid, I never managed to actually see any grunge bands live. Alice In Chains are still going today after a lengthy hiatus following the death of Layne Staley – they’re still a great band today but if we’re seeing them live then it has to be the original line-up. Normally I’d have them nearer the end of the night, but as you can see from the rest of the night – we’re jam packed. On a Summer afternoon, the band’s blend of fury and despair is a great lead in to the coming darkness.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

5 – 7: The Doors

It’s The Doors. If you like music and writing and poetry like me, then you fall in love with The Doors at some point. I was never the most obsessive fan in the world, but I do have all the albums, a bunch of bootlegs, and I’ve visited Jim’s grave. I feel like they are a band best experienced in the dark but having them slightly earlier in the evening might allow them to hit that pre-sunset reflective atmosphere – the day winding down while the band knock out the hits. Having been born after most of these bands were done, there are always a handful that you wish you’d had the opportunity to see – The Doors are going to be high up on most lists.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

7- 9.30: Pink Floyd

Pink Floyd are more than just a band – seeing them live is more of an experience than a concert, what with the lights and sets and everything else. Two and a half hours doesn’t seem like enough for them, but in that time they could play large chunks of The Wall, Dark Side Of The Moon, Animals, Wish You Were Here, along with some of their earlier Syd era stuff and later material. They’re a band you want to see in the dark, the full effect of their stage show taking on a transcendent quality once the sun sets.

Have I Seen Them Live: No, but I did see the Roger Waters show at Glastonbury which was essentially Pink Floyd’s hits with a few solo efforts thrown in.

9.30 – 12: Led Zeppelin

Who else but Zeppelin to close the night? Again there are so many songs that two and a half hours doesn’t seem enough, but after hours of standing up and jumping around to great music I think we’ll need a kip by midnight. Two hours should allow for songs from each of their albums (maybe not Coda) and sufficient room for their instrumental freestyling which often stretched the songs to two or three times their original length. This being a fantasy festival, we’d have Bonham back behind the kit and kicking ass. This would be a thunderous, spiritual way to end the second day, and send the punters back to their tents knowing they’ve just been part of something special.

Have I Seen Them Live: No, but I have seen Robert Plant play at Glastonbury.

Let us know what acts you would stick in your dream festival line-up!

 

Fantasy Festival Line Up – Day One

Greetings, Glancers! It should be fairly obvious that I love music. I’ve loved music since day one. As a child I was known for my Michael Jackson moves, aunts and neighbours throwing pennies at me as I danced. I got a guitar when I was eight. I started DJing when I was thirteen. I’ve been to a bunch of festivals. I’ve written a tonne of songs… you get the idea. The idea behind this series of posts is based on another classic of pub discussions – if you could, without any limitations, put on a concert or a festival, who would you put on the bill? That’s what I’m going to be writing about over the next few days – do you feel lucky, punk (sic)? We’ve all imagined this, haven’t we? If you haven’t, then start now and stick your line-ups into the comments or your own blogs. Share your wildest dream concert line-ups and invite us to the show – in The Spac Hole, anything is possible.

Naturally, I have put a few guidelines in place – NOT RULES – if you want to play along (and why in thine hell wouldn’t you?) you can follow your own guidelines. These ones works for me. First, it’s going to be a three day festival. Second, I’m going to give some loose timings – some bands might play for one hour, some might play for three – you can do whatever you want. Third – it doesn’t matter if the bands or artists or alive or dead. Fourth…. there is no limit on genre or style of music. Fifth – it’s not a 24 hour festival, let’s say we’ll play from 10.00am to Midnight each day. Sixth… is there a sixth? Yeah, no breaks between artists I guess, so as soon as one ends, the next starts. I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go along.

I’ll give a few notes about why I’ve picked each artist and why I’ve put them where I have. You’ll probably be able to guess a few of my picks if you’ve been reading for a while. You have your ticket to come and enjoy – if you don’t like any of the artists then go and grab a drink or some snacks at one of the many booze and grub establishments which are sure to be in attendance. Even better, take a wander around the venue and ‘discover yourself’. Yes, my Fantasy Festival is mimicking the look of Glastonbury – though not as gargantuan. There’s only one main stage, but a variety of fields, forests, glades, and hills to ramble through and you may even stumble upon other artists playing impromptu gigs or DJs setting up for some after hours raving (hint – only such soothing minstrels as The Prodigy, Chemical Brothers, and Public Enemy will be invited). Obviously I can’t possibly cover all of the artists I’d want to see – the eagle-eyed among you will notice that quite a few of my all time favourite artists don’t feature here, but who knows – if the Festival is a success we might have a sequel!

Well, that’s enough of that. You’ve zipped up your tent, you’ve shared a box of pop tarts with some guy called Ken, and you’ve stocked up on cider. The sun’s out, the shades are on, and oh look – the show’s about to start.

10 – 11: Koji Kondo’s Nintendo Orchestra

11 – 12: Haven

12 – 2: The Music

2 – 4: Nightwish

4 – 6: Radiohead

6 – 8: Manic Street Preachers

8 – 10: Alice Cooper

10 – 12: Nirvana

In my experience of festivals, the early morning gig is something relaxing, or unusual, or light and breezy to get the show off to a gentle yet entertaining start. Think Rolf Harris at Glastonbury. Or maybe not… yeah, don’t do that. People are sort of milling around, getting a feel for the place, sorting out their internal radar so they know where the nearest bar/food joint/toilet is located, the atmosphere hasn’t quite become tactile, yet there is a buzz of excitement in the air. We kick things off with some tunes that everyone will know – even if you don’t recognize the name. Koji Kondo is the man behind the most memorable tunes from Nintendo games – think every early Mario and Zelda game. The guy was twenty three when he worked on Mario, creating numerous tunes which are beyond iconic and essentially bringing legitimacy to the art form. It’s not just him though; no, he’s brought some pals who created or worked on the scores of other hit Nintendo games – it’s an hour of some of the most joyous compositions in recent memory.

Have I Seen Them: N/A

The first band of the weekend are no more; Haven came and went in a brief five year period during which they released two albums and generated a few Top 40 singles. They’re the band which should have filled the gap in the market which Coldplay did, followed by wank like Snow Patrol and Keane. I’m not a big fan of Coldplay, but during that time they cornered the soft rock market. Haven had that Manchester swagger and influence but were essentially mellow rock balladeers, led by Gary Briggs who I still consider to have one of the best voices in rock. I saw them at Glastonbury and their brand of emotive guitar led anthems are a perfect way to kick the morning into the next gear – nothing too offensive, but songs custom built for large crowd singalongs.

Have I Seen Them: Yes – Glastonbury

The Music are the perfect festival band – I think they needed another hit album to cement them as true headliners, but their energetic body of work ensures they can fit anywhere on any bill. I was torn between them hitting the coveted sunset slot, but in the end I decided to put them on in the middle of the day because they put on such an upbeat, up-tempo show. If you haven’t caught their second album – I consider it (still) the best album since 2000. Across their three albums and their many B-Sides and rarities they have must which you can dance to just as much as you can head-bang to. It’s groovy rock with insane vocals and the songs can easily breakdown into instrumental freak-outs ideal for drunken, stoned group dance-offs.

Have I Seen Them: Yes – Glastonbury

Nightwish are of course headliners in their own right, but that’s something you’re always going to get in any discussion like this – 10 bands, 10 headliners. As we’re in fantasy mode, I’m going to take things up a notch by saying this is Nightwish with all three vocalists – Tarja, Annette, and Floor. Nightwish have always been a band of excess, of epic scope, so why not throw all three in – the original with Tarja, the transition with Annette, and the current with Floor. I know this sort of thing rarely works – you could have each singer tackling the songs written with them in mind, you could have three singers all taking different parts and laying harmonies, or have Tarja tackle songs written long after she left. The band get the heavier side of the festival going and set things up for a potentially exhausting night.

Have I Seen Them: Yes – Belfast

No festival worth mentioning in the last thirty years omits Radiohead. They became big with Creep, and followed it up with the many hits from The Bends, but it was their early Glastonbury appearance which truly made them Gods. Say what you will about their post OK Computer work, but they still answer to no-one when it comes to seeing them on stage. Songs which sound relatively tame in the studio take on a completely different life when Thom and co perform them live, and when they unleash the classics they stand in a class of their own. There is no good time to put the band on because there is no bad time to put them on – they should headline any show, but they are perfect for the sunset evening slot, or for afternoon rocking. Essential for anyone’s fantasy.

Have I Seen Them: Yes – Glastonbury, Belfast.

Was there ever any doubt that I would include Manic Street Preachers? Actually, I didn’t have them down originally until I did some switching around to force them in. I was happy leaving them out because I’ve seen them live so many times already that another isn’t really ‘necessary’. However, they’re probably my favourite band of all time so I should have them here rather than in the sequel, and because this is a fantasy I’m going to imagine that Richey has returned. I never saw the band live before Richey vanished, but in my festival he’s back and playing with the rest of the lads, leaping about to Your Love Alone Is Not Enough, and closing out with A Design For Life.

Have I Seen Them: Yes – Glastonbury, Belfast, Dublin

Thinking back, I would really want Alice Cooper to headline so I should have either added more days to my festival or held some artists back so they could headline another year. Well, I’ve started now and there’s no going back. Alice Cooper is one of my longest running inspirations – in music, and in writing. He basically created or cemented a bunch of genres – metal, shock rock, garage, punk – he’s had a hand in all of them and more. For fantasy purposes this Alice Cooper act would feature the original band along with many of the great musicians he’s employed in his solo work over the decades. I think it’s cool he’s following The Manics because they are fans and have covered him before. The only time I saw Alice Cooper live it wasn’t the fool experience. he only played for around an hour as support for Def Leppard (who I had no interest in seeing) and though he had some stage theatrics going on, it felt very rushed. A full two hour show would be jam packed with guillotines, dead babies, and classic song after classic song. It pains me to see how under-appreciated Alice is in music history, when almost every musician in the last 50 years has been influenced by him, whether they know it or not.

Have I Seen Them Live: Yes – Belfast

My headliner for the night is arguably the most important band of my childhood and early teen years. Nirvana, along with Guns ‘N’ Roses were the artists which confirmed my love of rock. Spoiler Alert – I’m not including GNR this year! Gotta save someone I love for another year, right? I never got to see them live – I missed them in Belfast due to being too young to be allowed to go. The Spac Hole Festival brings Kurt and Co back together for one final fuck you – a gloriously chaotic two hour set of smashing and screaming the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since the early 90s.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

Off to bed now, you little scamps. Tomorrow’s another day – and it’s going to be a beast.

Unplugged – Guns ‘N’ Roses

Greetings, Glancers! Remember MTV Unplugged? It was this show where bands, singers, performers played a mostly acoustic show in front of a small live audience. It was great. There are a tonne of bands, singers, and performers who never appeared though and today we’re going to talk about one of them. For more on the idea behind this post, click here!

This is my first choice of band I’d love to have seen perform an Unplugged show. You may think G’n’R would not suit such a setting and yes, you’re probably right. However, other heavy rock and metal bands managed it successfully so there’s no excuse for Axl and Co in their prime to not have done the same. I love the idea of such a balls to the wall, rock band of wonderful excess to tone it down and allow their talent, songwriting and performance skills speak for themselves with little or no frills, little or no production, and little or no filter or space between them and the crowd. Below is a dream setlist for a Guns ‘n’ Roses Unplugged show.

Track 1: Civil War (7-8 minutes)

Most sets, especially rock sets start out with a balls to the wall, fast paced song to get the excitement levels up to a million. This is MTV Unplugged though, so that approach my not work. G’n’R are known for starting out with something like Nightrain, accompanied by some spoken shtick like ‘from Hollywood – Guns And Roses!’. I think we still get that spoken intro, maybe a little more subdued so that leads nicely into Civil War. I feel like this would work brilliantly as a dark, acoustic song – check out the link above for a Slash and Myles version, though the whistles are crap. The band could play a little with the structure, changing up those spoken parts into something unique. Obviously the rest of the band would need to pitch in, so plenty of room for experimentation.

Track 2: Pretty Tied Up (12-13 minutes)

The thing about MTV Unplugged is that it gave the artists an opportunity to mess with songs in a different format and perhaps play songs that were not normally part of their setlist. We’d need a faster song after that intro, so why not go with something a little left field? I’m not the biggest fan of Pretty Tied Up but I think it’s ripe for some innovative tinkering. The link above gives an idea of the direction the song could take – it’s not the best cover but you get the idea.

Track 3: Mr Brownstone (17 minutes)

I think after two maybe not so well known songs they’d need to pull a more mainstream song out of the hat. You can switch Track 3 or 4 around if you wish, but I think the important thing at this point is keeping some continuity of classics going for a spell. The link above has an early live acoustic performance – I’m not too happy about the tambourine – there’s a place for it, but it’s used too much in that video. The song has a loose, jam quality anyway so it feels suited to a smaller unplugged setting.

Track 4: Welcome To The Jungle (22 minutes)

Yes, keep the momentum going with the classics. The link has an acoustic instrumental only version which gives a good idea of how the song could still retain its raw power even without the distortion. I like the idea of the piano filling in some of the guitar parts, so Axl could get down on those.

Track 5: You’re Crazy (26 Minutes)

This one was already pretty unplugged anyway if you pick the Lies version. There’s isn’t much they really need to add to this one, the crowd would fill in the blanks.

Track 6: You Can’t Put Your Arms Around A Memory (30 minutes)

Well, we’d better get Spaghetti out of the way. A few songs from that album would work here but this feels ready made and has the added bonus of giving Axl a vocal break, something we know he enjoys. It’s a short one too, and a bit of a novelty, so true fans would be happy to hear it.

Track 7: So Fine (34 minutes)

Axl’s still taking a breather, so we’ll have another ready made slow-number that isn’t too far away from being acoustic in its original form. The song does pick up pace in places so that would lead nicely into another more up-tempo selection of songs. This is another curious choice which would be nifty so hear for most fans.

Track 8: Live And Let Die (38 minutes)

We’re over half an hour in and there’s still a bunch of big boys we haven’t heard from yet. I couldn’t find a decent clip to link to, so you’ll have to use your imagination on this one. Axl’s back, it’s a fast song, will get the crowd pumping again, which will lead nicely into our next pick.

Track 9: You Could Be Mine (44 minutes)

Another fast one with plenty of room to play around, but I think for this one they should just go all in on the guitars and play a stripped down version as close to the original as possible. Alternatively they could go completely in the opposite direction with something like in the link above.

Track 10: This I Love (49 minutes)

Chinese Democracy up now – don’t think I forgot about it. We’re already running tight to our time rule so we may have to cut back on the longer songs. This could be an Axl and Slash duet, the piano, vocals, and guitar mingling together for an atmospheric centerpiece.

Track 11: Patience/Don’t Cry (54 minutes)

Cheating a little here, but when the band play their mammoth live show they usually switch between Patience and Don’t Cry. I love them both and while the former is essentially an acoustic song already, the former could be stripped back without losing any of its impact. Both songs could have some piano added acting as an effective bridge between track 10 and 12. There’s an early live acoustic performance of Don’t Cry complete with terrible crowd noise in the link above.

Track 12: November Rain (62 minutes)

So, this would maybe be the most interesting song to translate into an unplugged setting. Technically you could bring out a backing choir and bunch of violin players etc. Alternatively, have them in place from the start contributing to other songs. Much of the strength of the song rests on Slash’s integral guitar parts which bridge the different sections of the song together, but you can still have those without full ear-splitting electric. Unplugged doesn’t necessarily mean 100% acoustic. This would be a chance for the pure core of the song to shine through. The link above contains an early, shorter acoustic version by the band and is quite different from what we eventually got.

Track 13: Street Of Dreams (67 minutes)

We keep the piano led sentimentality going with a song which is a highlight of Chinese Democracy even if Axl does try to mess it up with some weird vocals. It’s a crowd-pleaser, even for those who haven’t heard it, and you can get a bit of a singalong going in the big moments.

Track 14: Sweet Child Of Mine (73 minutes)

It had to be in there somewhere. If you want, swap this out for Rocket Queen or a personal favourite. While Nirvana played hardly any of their big hits for Unplugged, most bands tend to cover their most famous songs and for G’n’R they don’t come any bigger than this. Ideally it should be nearer the centre of the gig, but what are you gonna do? Various artists have covered this song in acoustic over the years, but I think the writers could knock those out of the park with their own take – Myles and Slash are in the link above again.

Track 15: I Used To Love Her (76 minutes)

Another acoustic original to wind things down before the inevitable big finish. The band wouldn’t need many additional flourishes to make this work – it’s good to go from the first whisper and gives the rest of the band a chance to add their own backing vocals. It’s a funny song and would work well in an intimate environment.

Track 16: Paradise City (83 minutes)

I was toying with not actually including this – how do you ever make an unplugged version of something that is basically six minutes of head-banging and lewd guitar fingering? As balls to the wall as the outro to this song is, maybe a wacky dueling banjo type ending would be entertaining too? Really anything they did with this song would probably work, followed by a ‘Good! Fucking! Night! Yeah!’ If that doesn’t work for you, close it with Rocket Queen. The link above is an acoustic instrumental version.

What about you? Which songs would you love to see in a an Unplugged G’n’R show? There wasn’t time for Coma or Estranged. I couldn’t fit my own personal favourite Think About You in either. Cornshucker would turn a few heads. There are plenty of tracks from Chinese Democracy which I think would work well – namely Catcher In The Rye –  but I tried to keep to my 70-90 minute time frame as much as possible. Let us know in the comments what your ideal setlist would be, and what other artists you would love to see perform in this style!