JOHN CARPENTER’S BATMAN
Bruce Wayne/The Batman: Kurt Russell
The Joker: Also Kurt Russell
Alfred/Robin: Donald Pleasance
Vicki Vale: Jamie Lee Curtis
Tina Twotitz – A Giggling Wench: Adrienne Barbeau
Commissioner Gordon: Carey Grant
A throbbing synth soundtrack fades in, lurching, setting a tone of foreboding. There is a sweeping shot of a city at night: Gotham City. The following words light up the night sky in a neon blue: John Carpenter’s Batman
EXT: GOTHAM CITY. A BUSY STREET – NIGHT
What a riveting performance of Snow White that was. That Widow Twanky was a real character. Ha ha ha! I love Christmas, I do.
Look out – he’s behind you!
Oh no he isn’t! Yes, dear, get into the festive spirit!
No, I really mean it, look out!
Gimme all yer money, punk, or I’ll fill ya full of lead.
You’d better do as he says, he has an ill-favoured look about him.
Uh… yes… here you go, sir. We are but poor folk, and have few wares.
Yes, hand it over, yes, that’s it. Now, time for a joke – you like jokes don’t you?
Why yes, I am partial to the odd jest.
Good, good. I like an appreciative audience. What did the couple say to the gunman?
THE WAYNES (together)
We don’t know, what did the couple say to the gunman?
NAPIER shoots them both in the face twelve times.
Nothing! Because they were dead! Heh, I should be a joke-guy.
NAPIER runs away before the sound of the GUNSHOTS alerts the AUTHORITIES, but in his escape, he is crushed by a MARAUDING ELEPHANT.
My…… face… my beautiful face…..
INT. WAYNE MANOR – DAY
Don’t fret, sonny. Your parents luvved ya, and ol’ Alfred is here to look after ya. You’re the richest boy in the world. Perhaps we could talk about a pay rise for ol’ Alfr-
You are correct, my loyal slave. Now, my first order – I command you to build a huge indoor playpark in the subterranean caves beneath my home, complete with slides, ballpits, but no clowns. I hate clowns!
Yes sir, but there are lots of bats down there. Rats too.
Bats, you say?
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE. 10 YEARS LATER – DAY
I now pronounce thee, King and Queen.
All hail the King!
Thank you all for coming on this gracious day. And special thanks to our new friend, Bruce Wayne – Billionaire playboy, and mysterious bachelor!
No worries. I must say, this palace is rather small for my tastes, but it’s the perfect venue for such a lovely wedding.
Now, the Royal photos!
Let us retire to the Ballroom!
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE BALLROOM -DAY
Now, the Royal entertainment!
A group of delightful clowns enter and begin capering about, throwing pies, and generally creating a nuisance. One Clown approaches the throne.
Your Royal Highnesses, may I ask you a not so serious question? Have you ever danced with the devil on a Tuesday Morn?
Eh…. no. What does that even mean?
It means, you’re all about to DIE!
The clowns are really baddies! They pull out all manner of comedy-related weapons – giant over-sized hammers, knives made out of guns, guns made out of knives, guns which shoot knives, and guns made out of knives which shoot knives made out of wives.
OOOOOH…. KAAAYYYY, guys and gals, I want you all to hand over your loot, and I want all the celebrity football players to pull down their pants!
WTF, that’s not part of the plan?
Aww, come on boss, lemme have some fun.
Does that lady have…. two tits?
Uh, excuse me for a moment, I have to go behind this curtain.
WAYNE goes behind a curtain, and after some fumbling, Batman emerges!
Hands up, baddies, The Batman is here!
Curses! Why must this caped crusader always interrupt my doings?
BATMAN starts beating everyone up, including the KING and QUEEN, but THE JOKER, TINA, and some assorted FIENDS escape by painting a black tunnel on the wall, through which only they can traverse.
I have a feeling that’s the last we’ll be seeing of those scoundrels.
I am here! Baddies beware! Ouch, my pelvis!
Alfred, please take off that ridiculous outfit.
INT. THE OFFICES OF THE DAILY SHITE – DAY.
I’m telling you, sir. If you’ll just look at my shots of The Joker, you can tell that he’s really Jack Napier – all he’s done is smear lipstick on his chin and slick his hair back.
Fake news! I am the chief editor of this newspaper and I’m telling you that The Joker is NOT my good friend and lover Jack Napier, ugh, I mean, The Joker is NOT really that criminal who mysteriously vanished and is in no way being financed by a rich tycoon to further his own tyrannical plans. Now, it is my yum yums time, fetch my baboon!
JIMMY OLSEN enters, leading a baboon on a leash. Its mammary glands are engorged and dripping.
Ahhh, yum yums!
TRUMP begins to suckle from one teat, while fondling the other.
INT(EXT?) THE BATCAVE – NIGHT
Sir, I wish you wouldn’t sit down here brooding so much. It’s unhealthy. At least put some boxer shorts on.
I can’t, Alfred. I just can’t.
Fine. What is bothering you this time?
I just can’t help shake the feeling that THE JOKER is going to strike again. And something that Vicki women said to me – that THE JOKER killed my parents – makes me think he was somehow connected to the unsolved murder of my parents. DAMN IT! I just can’t work it out!
Perhaps a drive in the BATMOBILE will help clear your mind, sir?
INT. THE BATMOBILE – NIGHT
Cruising along in my Batmobile, looking for fun, or some baddies to kill.
(For the purposes of humourous rhyming, he pronounces ‘kill’ as ‘keel’). Screams and laughter are heard OS.
Hmm, sounds like there is trouble afoot. Leave that woman alone and come quietly, or there will be… trouble.
No way man, no way man! The Joker runs this city, and he says we can do whatever we want!
Take me to him. Now.
No way, man!
BATMAN punches one baddy so hard that his head explodes.
Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.
Okay, man, okay. He lives at 621 Cowan Avenue.
BATMOBILE – set co-ordinates for 621 Cowan Avenue.
INT. THE JOKER’S HIDEOUT – AN ABANDONED FUNHOUSE – NIGHT
He is coming. I can…. sense it.
I am here sir, I have news.
My power is growing. I knew you were coming. What is your news? Wait, let me guess….. he is coming. I can… sense it.
How did you do that? The Batman has just arrived in his dreaded Batcar. What should we do?
BOB sniffs a flower on The Joker’s shirt, but it squirts acid all over his face. BOB’S face melts in a grisly eight minute scene until only a skull is left.
Now, tell the others to get ready!
I think he’s dead.
And now you are dead too! Both of you!
BATMAN and THE JOKER have a ridiculous fight all over The Funhouse, through rooms with funny mirrors, and revolving doors and such. For some reason, VICKI VALE is also there.
Ah ha! You’re that reporter! I loved your story about the economic struggles faced by students in the North of England due to the recent recession.
Not as much as you’ll like this!
VICKI kicks her down some stairs and TWOTITZ lands on her breasts so hard that she bounces out of a window and onto a spiked fence.
Gee, that was some sharp wit.
EXT. THE FUNHOUSE ROOF – NIGHT
Heh heee heee! Look, TRUMP has contacted the National Guard and his army of impotent incels to eliminate us both for fear that one or both of us will reveal his involvement in bank-rolling my murderous antics. Either we work together to get out of this, or we both perish.
Fine. You take the left, I’ll cover the right, but mark my words, when this is over, you and me will – GET – IT – ON!
Don’t threaten me with a good time!
A large firefight ensues, with Hero and Villain teaming up to defeat a greater evil. Eventually, they fight off the hordes of GUN NUTS.
Phew, that was close.
Indeed. And now I must place you under arrest, or something.
Nah, not today.
The Joker leaps off the building, using the combined power of his massive clown trousers and the steam rising from the corpses of all the dead GUN NUTS to float away through the city.
We will meet again, my arch nemesis. We will meet again.
INT: THE OFFICE OF THE DAILY SHITE – DAY
Mmmm, yum yums. So delicious. So nice.
Put down that Baboon, you’re under arrest for the murder of many people, and also for whatever it is you are doing to that poor forsaken beast.
Wha? Fake news, fake news!
You’re not going to lie your way out of it this time. You have that thing’s breast in your mouth, and you are covered in blood, and you’re wearing a T-shirt which reads ‘I DID IT’, and you’re watching a video of yourself throwing grenades into a Mexican village. How much more proof do we need?
Fake news! Benghazi! Killery! Ugh…. fake news!
EXT: THE TOP OF THE POLICE HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
Thanks to you, we were able to lock away Trump for eight thousand years.
All in a day’s work.
And now I have a promotion and a snazzy new office, and free access to yum yums whenever I desire.
And yet, the city is not safe. Somewhere out there, a painted loon is plotting his next evil move. Oh, wait, there he is!
BATMAN spots THE JOKER walking on the ground below, and drops a brick on his head, killing him instantly.
I guess you could say ‘The Joke’s on him’.
I don’t get it.