Ranking The Bond Women – The Middlers

Welcome back, you sad, lonely perverts. Why are you even here when you could be watching the movies for yourself, or even better, hiding in the neighbour’s bushes and pretending to be a spy yourself? I promise you get caught this time. Well, I suppose I should continue now that you’re here. Pull up a pew and make sure the door’s locked in case someone should stumble in and see what you’re up to. That would be embarrassing now, wouldn’t it?

22: Verity – Die Another Day

It’s hardly a surprise that Verity appears at the bottom of my list. As you’ll see elsewhere on the blog, I like a lot of Madonna’s music. Her acting…. yeah, I like her in some stuff. This is just product placement of the worst kind, in a movie littered with toys screaming ‘buy me buy me’! Die Another Day gets almost everything wrong, Madonna flirting and swinging swords is just one of many sins.

21: Ruby Bartlett – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Part of me would love to stick Ruby at the absolute bottom of the Bond girl’s list, except that there isn’t really anything wrong with her. She just irritates the hell out of me – that face, that voice, that hair. Most people have OHMSS as one of the best Bond films, but Ruby, along with Lazenby and the dreadful Louis Armstrong song knock it way down my ranking. Angela Scoular, who also appeared in the original Casino Royale and various other British movies, had a troubled life and killed herself in 2011 after swallowing and dousing herself in acid. Makes me feel bad for not liking her Bond girl now. Shit.

20: Bianca – Octopussy

Bianca briefly helps Bond in Octopussy, using all her disguise – applying and thigh-showing skills. Another character who could have been more interesting with a bigger role, but as it stands she’s just another object to look at unfortunately. More unfortunately, Tina Hudson who performed here never appeared in another film or show as far as I can tell.

19: Miss Taro – Dr No

The first henchwoman we meet in the series, Miss Taro is suitably sultry and wicked, but she is of course no match for 007 and fails to lure him into a trap before failing to seduce him. Miss Taro was played by South African actress Zena Marshall who sadly passed away in 2009, an actress who started out in the 40s before retiring in the late 60s and appeared in many movies and shows including Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines and Helter Skelter. 

18: Pola Ivanova – A View To A Kill

There isn’t anything wrong to say about Pola, she’s just another agent (KGB) who Bond gets the better of, after some sexy times of course. It’s a case once again of a character that I’d like to see more of, either in the movie or recurring in other movies, but of course the Bond series typically doesn’t do such things. Plus I’m not a fan of short hair. Sorry. Fiona Fullerton started out as a child actress before landing the role of Pola, and since then has become a Property Developer with the odd reality TV appearance or TV movie- Strictly Come Dancing, A Ghost In Monte Carlo etc.

17: Lucia Sciarra – Spectre

When I first heard that Monica Bellucci was going to be a Bond Girl, I was more than a little excited. Bellucci is a fantastic actress who I have been a fan of for many years, as well as being gorgeous, and on most days she should be near the top of any lady list. Her appearance in Spectre is disappointingly underwhelming to the the point that she doesn’t really need to be there at all. Of course the series has a history of throwing in a random hot woman just to facilitate a joke or movie the plot forward ever so slightly. But this is Monica Bellucci, and if anything she deserved to play in the lead Bond girl role. She’s there, and then she isn’t, and for most of the movie I was waiting for her to come back.

16: Pan Ho – A View To A Kill

One of many henchwomen in A View To A Kill, but probably the least impactful. A partner to Jenny Flex and underling of Mayday, Pan Ho helps Zorin and Co kill and cause general carnage. As loyal as she is, she unfortunately forgets that Zorin is a complete loon, and loses her life because of it. Papillon Soo Soo stars as the ill-fated mistress, a model and former actress who also appeared famously in Full Metal Jacket (‘me so horny’).

15: Patricia Fearing – Thunderball (and Never Say Never Again)

Fearing is played by two different actresses, most notably in Thunderball and later in the mostly awful Never Say Never Again. It’s Thunderball that we care about here, where Fearing is a bit of a silly character – first saving Bond’s life and then having sex with them because she’s afraid she will lost her job. Still, she appears in multiple scenes and gets the odd uncomfortable laugh from the audience. Fearing was played by Molly Peters, a model who made a string of appearances in the 60s in minor movies and shows before giving it all up in 1968.

14: Jill Masterson – Goldfinger

Famous for dying in one of cinema’s most iconic ways, poor Jill Masterson was immortalized after betraying her boss and being covered in gold paint from head to toe -both as punishment for her actions and a warning for Bond. Shirley Eaton is fine in the role, but aside from her brief early scenes it is her corpse which steals the headlines. Shirley Eaton had been acting since the early 50s in many British TV series and movies such as the Carry On movies, but in 1969 she retired to look after her family instead.

13: Caroline – Goldeneye

When I first saw Goldeneye, I mistakenly thought that Caroline was Moneypenny, such was the flirtatious banter between the two, as well as the character’s coy mannerisms and the fact that she didn’t really look like a typical Bond woman. She appears mainly to remind us that Bond is a bit of a lad, likes racing cars, and of course to introduce us to Xenia Onatopp. Caroline is fine, gets in a little bit of dialogue, and is another character who you would mind making frequent appearances throughout the series as a world weary spy evaluator. Unfortunately we don’t get to see her again. Serena Gordon stars as the first Brosnan Bond girl, known for British TV shows such as The Bill and Other People’s Children. 

12: Molly Warmflash – The World Is Not Enough

‘Faith, a word of advice – you’re an idiot’. It wouldn’t be a post on this blog without some sort of Buffy reference – it’s quite funny seeing a one-off Buffy actress popping up as a one-off Bond character – she even dresses in the same stuffy manner as her Sunnydale counterpart. Played by Serena Scott Thomas, who you may know as the sister of Kristen, Molly succumbs to Bond’s charms as his doctor, and later tells us that Robert Carlisle is basically Superman.

11: Rubavitch – The Living Daylights

Played by Virginia Hey of Farscape and The Road Warrior fame (two of my favourite things), Rubavitch doesn’t get a lot to do aside from lose her clothes and cry when she thinks General Pushkin has been killed. Hey is a terrific actress as well as being gorgeous, and therefore earns a higher spot on the list than others who may be more iconic or have a larger role.

10: Jenny Flex – A View To A Kill

Jenny Flex. JENNY FLEX. There’s jsut something about the character names in A View To A Kill which are unforgettable to me – Max Zorin, Mayday, and Jenny Flex. There isn’t anything special about the character, and in truth it is a bizarre name that isn’t as obviously memorable as many others, but for whatever reason that name and by extension that character are stuck in my head for ever more. JENNY FLEX. Flex was played by Irish actress and model Alison Doody, famous for starring as the ill-fated Dr Schneider in The Last Crusade.

9: Nancy – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

The least annoying, most attractive of the women Bond meets in Piz Gloria in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Nancy is a porcelain-doll looking woman who appears in numerous flirtatious interludes with Bond throughout the film, eventually popping up in his bed. Best known for her recurring role in Space: 1999, Catherine Schell has appeared in many shows and movies including Return Of The Pink Panther and Wish Me Luck.

8: Solange Dimitrios – Casino Royale

Casino Royale was by no means the first Bond movie to show the character in a tragic light, but it does one of the better jobs of highlighting the fact. Solange is the latest in a long line of women who meet their end (at least partially) due to meeting Bond. A victim of her husband’s abuse she hopes that perhaps Bond could be her way out, but she is murdered in an ugly message to Bond, and a sign of things to come for 007. Caterina Murino is another model turned actress who has appeared in a mixture of European TV and film.

7: Corinne Dufour – Moonraker

Speaking of tragic and ugly ends as a consequence of meeting Bond, Corinne gets one of the darkest deaths in the series when Drax allows his hunting dogs to chase and rip her apart. She works for Drax as a pilot but is seemingly innocent of his evil ways and when she shags Bond and inadvertently betrays her boss, her death is inevitable. Most famous for playing the title character in the controversial Story Of O, Corinne Clery also appeared in many French and Italian cult movies.

6: Tilly Masterson  – Goldfinger

Although it is Jill Masterson who grabs the headlines thanks to her Golden murder, Tilly is the more interesting character which the bigger role. She tries to kill Goldfinger several times as revenge for her sister’s death but in the end is killed by Oddjob. Tania Mallet made her sole big screen appearance in the movie, returning to the successful modelling career where she made her name.

5: Saida – The Man With The Golden Gun

Another character that I always remembered from my childhood, mainly for the amusing scene where Bond keeps trying to remove a bullet from her belly button. In fact, that’s her only scene in the movie but it’s all very funny and oddly sexy in that uncomfortable Moore way, and Carmen du Sautoy acts along playfully. She has appeared on stage in many roles, as well as appearing in many sitcoms and minor movies over the decades.

4: Manuela -Moonraker

Manuela doesn’t really do much in Moonraker to warrant being so high on my list, but she does appear in multiple scenes including one memorable one where she is almost gobbled by Jaws. She’s a Secret Service Agent, so you’d assume she’s bad ass – or at least bad ass cheek. She’s high on the list I guess because of potential – she’s another character that could have been someone who was recurring over other movies. But as we know by this point, part of the charm of the Bond movies are that they throw in needless one-off Bond girls in parts which could have been played by a smaller pool of actresses. Emily Bolton stars as Manuela, an actress who has appeared most famously in TV shows such as Tenco and Capital City before seemingly retiring and disappearing like so many other Bond Girls.

3: Paula Caplan – Thunderball

One of the earliest, if not the first instance of the tragic Bond girl, Caplan seems like a capable contact for Bond to work with. She flirts with Bond, as you do, but when she is later captured by the bad guys she seemingly kills herself to avoid torture and giving up valuable information. Caplan was played by Martine Beswick who we have already covered here due to her appearance in From Russia With Love. 

2: Helga Brandt – You Only Live Twice

Is Brandt genuinely a Bond Girl, given that she is also a villain? Who cares, it’s my list. She shags Bond, tries to kill him on a few occasions, and appears in quite a few scenes. She also gets one of my favourite deaths, and favourite moments in the series when Blofeld feeds her to his piranha. Karin Dor played the part, a prolific German actress who is still acting today, mostly on stage, but still popping up in movies and TV. She is also known for Topaz and The Face Of Fu Manchu.

1: Bibi Dahl – For Your Eyes Only

I’m sure this will raise a few eyebrows, but I love Bibi Dahl. Or perhaps more accurately, I love Lynn Holly Johnson. I loved her in The Watcher In The Woods, and I love her in this. Okay fine, yes she is an annoying character, but she makes it so believable. And she’s hot as hell too. Her role in the movie is bizarre – she’s some horny kid who wants to get it on with James, but she’s also being trained as an Ice Skater by the bad guy, who does genuinely seem to care for her. She gets a lot of dialogue and screen time for a minor character but I enjoy every scene she’s in as she brightens up a pretty dark movie. She’s a fairly unique character in the Bond canon, and for that she gets my top spot. Yippee! Lynn quit acting in the 90s after refusing to do nude scenes, but returned in 2007 before suffering a stroke and it seems she is again retired now.

Tune in next time when we’ll be getting the big guns out. And by guns I mean boobs. And by boobs I mean women. And by writing, I apologize.

Walk Of Fame Inductees – 19th June 2015

To check the dubious reasoning behind these posts, check the original here:

https://carlosnightman.wordpress.com/2015/05/14/walk-of-fame-a-celebration-of-heroism/

In this new series of posts I’ll be selecting a Star at random from every decade (who was born in that decade) starting from the 1880s up until the 1990s to be interred in this land of magic and wonder, who will for ever more see their name set in stone far beyond the places where Gods dare to tread. Each name will have a unique star placed and statue built-in their honour. Often accompanying these additions will be news of a new store or museum to go alongside those stars whose work is of particular genius, and you too can visit and see the place of your dreams, simply by closing your eyes….

1880s: Cathleen Nesbitt CBE: For contributions to Cinema, TV, and Theatre. Like myself, a QUB graduate, Nesbitt started her career spanning both sides of the Pacific in numerous Stage productions before embarking on a varied TV and movie career in works such as My Fair Lady, Family Plot, and The Farmer’s Daughter. 

1890s: Ruth Gordon: For contributions to Cinema, TV, Theatre, and literature. One of the most brilliant people to ever work in Hollywood, Ruth Gordon isn’t exactly a household name any longer, which is an embarrassment given the contributions she has made. Winning Oscar, Emmy, and Golden Globes for acting, and earning multiple Oscar nominations for her writing, Gordon’s career spanned 8 decades covering works as diverse as Taxi, Rosemary’s Baby, and Every Which Way But Loose. 

1900s; James Mason: For contributions to Cinema. Mason had an extraordinary career on both sides of the pond, becoming one of the most profitable actors in Britain and the US. Earning acclaim for his range and remembered for his suave demeanor, Mason was also an animal lover and published a number of books on the subject. Starring in numerous masterpieces and many smaller pieces, Mason is known for works such as North By Northwest, Salem’s Lot, A Star Is Born, and Lolita.

1910s:  Gloria Stewart: For contributions to Cinema. Stewart is most well-known to modern audiences thanks to her brief Oscar-winning performance in Titanic, but her career in the movies started in 1932, alongside a range of other talents such as writing and art. Her works include The Old Dark House,  The Three Muskateers, and Here Comes The Navy. 

1920s: Max Von Sydow. For contributions to Cinema: Arguably Sweden’s greatest actor, and one of the finest from any nation, Von Sydow has a filmography few can rival working with some of the greats from Bergman, to Lynch, to Spielberg, including films such as The Seventh Seal, The Exorcist, Conan The Barbarian, and Needful Things.

1930s: Brian Dennehy: For contributions to Cinema, TV, and Theatre. Tony and Globe award-winning Dennehy is one of the most respected character actors in the business, but has also performed as a leading man. His works include First Blood, Cocoon, and the Jack Reed series.

1940s: David Cronenberg: For contributions to Cinema. Canadian Cronenberg has consistently pushed directorial and storytelling boundaries, sickening and invigorating audiences for six decades. While most of his films can be categorized as horror in some fashion, his films tend to be more about people and the transformations we go through as embodied in works such as The Fly, Videodrome, and A History Of Violence. 

1950s: Kathleen Turner: For contributions to Cinema, TV, and Theatre. One of the most popular leading ladies of the 80s, Turner started out on Broadway before hitting the big screen in works such as Romancing The Stone, Peggy Sue Got Married, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit. 

1960s: Monica Bellucci: For contributions to Cinema. Starting out with a modelling career, Bellucci moved into Italian cinema before tackling the rest of Europe and on to Hollywood, becoming one of the most well-known European actresses in modern cinema thanks to works such as Irreversible, The Matrix series, and Brotherhood Of The Wolf. 

1970s: David Tennant: For contributions to Cinema and TV. Known most widely as the Tenth Doctor, Tennant has been a mainstay of British TV since the 80s, as well as branching out to the big screen in works such as Broadchurch, People Like Us, and The Harry Potter series. 

1980s: Clemence Poesy: For contributions to Cinema and TV. Following a brief childhood career in TV and on stage, Poesy began building up an impressive resume across the globe in works such as The Harry Potter series, In Bruges, and The Tunnel.

1990s: Caitlin Stasey: For contributions to Cinema and TV. Following in the footsteps of many other notable Aussies, Stasey’s work is gradually gaining momentum outside of her native land. As well as being a passionate advocate of Women’s rights, she has appeared in works such as Neighbours, Tomorrow When The War Began, and I, Frankenstein.

In addition to the stars and statues dedicated to the above performers, this week sees the creation of:

The Doctor Who Museum: In honour of David Tennant’s induction. Past inductees have also featured on the successful TV show, so it only seems right that a Museum be erected. Featuring sets from every era of the show and attractions such as a Dalek-filled maze, arguably the highlight of the museum is the ability to watch any and all of the show’s episodes on a cinema screen – including the 97 episodes which are considered lost on Planet Earth.

Toontown: In honour of Kathleen Turner,  a living, breathing Toontown, as seen in Who Framed Roger Rabbit has been created which you can visit and vacation in – step into a fully animated world and interact with all manner of cartoon characters and creatures. For the even more adventurous amongst you, you can become a cartoon yourself for a day, an hour, or a week thanks to our amazing new Human-to-toon technology. Choosing your own look, even more fully immerse yourself in Toontown by experiencing life as an animated figure.

What exhibits, or attractions based on the works of the above Stars would you like to see? Let us know in the comments.

Dobermann

For fans of extreme cinema, Dobermann is almost a must-a good blend of violence, style, and craziness with a thumping soundtrack and over-the-top acting and set-pieces. It lacks the edge that other ‘extreme’ movies have, and is devoid of any compassion, but on the other hand it does not go far enough to disturb the audience. A good cast does well, particularly Cassell and Karyo as the respective charismatic robber and psychotic cop, but at times the mashing together of genres does not work completely.

Cassell stars as Dobermann, a man with a penchant for violence ever since his birth. He is the boss of a notorious gang of misfit robbers who have been preying on Paris for years. His nemesis is Cristini, a cop whose sadistic nature means he abuses his power and position and will stop at nothing to catch Dobermann and his mates. After a large heist with suitably insane weaponry Dobermann has plenty of money, but Critini is getting closer, and eventually they meet and a long chase ensues. The plot may not be original, but it is always interesting, violent, and well worth watching.

There are plenty of outstanding scenes here amidst the wackiness- the grenade inside a motorcyclists helmet while riding, the grenade in a baby’s pram, the head being scraped along the road at 90 mph etc. It tries hard to be cool and stylish, and mostly it works, just a pity there is a lack of substance which would have made it a classic of the genre. There is nothing special as far as extras are concerned on the DVD.

Dobermann

 

As always, please leave your comments on the movie and the review. Is this an underrated French cult flick or is it a mess?