Nightman’s Least Favourite Movies Of 2009!

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Greetings, Glancers! We kicked things off with the controversial 2010 and we now start moving backwards into the mists of time to have a laugh at my other misguided choices of least favourite films from each year. What does 2009 have in store for us? Have a look below.

Watchmen

Zack Snyder had been on a roll for me – Dawn Of The Dead is one of the all time great remakes, 300 is a silly, stylish slice of violent fun based on one of my favourite stories. It made sense that he would tackle a comic book adaptation, and adapt one of the less mainstream series. As you’ll see me say frequently in these posts – it’s not that it’s a bad film, it’s just not very good. Or more appropriately, it just didn’t work for me. On the plus side it looks great – not quite on par with the visu-shock of Sin City, but it certainly fits the bill of standing apart from the ‘realism’ of Marvels visual output. But like everything else Snyder has released since Watchmen, it’s so overfed on plot, so packed with stuff, that in the end I don’t care about any of it. I can’t remember any of the character’s names – Blue Cock – was that one? Outfit Girl? Running Dude? Wrong Face? Fuck knows. It’s another example of a film which should have been something I thoroughly enjoyed, but instead it was overblown and forgettable.

Wolverine

The X-Men movie series got off to a bang – the first two movies remain two of the finest comic book movies ever. Then some nameless twat got a hold of the series and ruined it for part 3 – one of the worst movies ever made. Luckily the series returned (and then subsequently fucked up again) and we got a series of spin off based on everyone’s favourite beardo, Wolverine. Like Watchman, this should have been something I enjoyed, but it’s drivel. If I can’t remember what anyone was called in Watchmen, I can’t remember anything that happened in Wolverine. I think there was snow in one scene. Maybe I was drunk when I watched it? In any case it went in both eyes, and straight out the back of my skull with zero recollection of what happened.

The Hangover

If the 2010s saw the rise of Alpha male bullshit, then the Noughties have a lot to answer for. I’m not saying The Hangover is to blame for a lot of the sickening sexual entitlement we see today across the entertainment industry, and up and down through politics… I’m not saying it’s even to blame for a rise in the absolutely terrible junk which passes for comedy in Hollywood these days. What I am saying is that it’s a pretty shitty movie, vastly overrated, and at least influenced a number of people to see the protagonists as worthy role models. It’s the ultimate bro movie, and for that reason alone, it deserves to be called out as the piece of shit it is.

The Hurt Locker

I was the first person to applaud when Katheryn Bigelow won her Oscar. But that was more as a sign of respect for her work on Near Dark, Strange Days, Point Break. She’s a terrific director. The Hurt Locker… I still don’t get why it is so acclaimed. A character study of little insight, a drama without tension. You notice how the acclaim for Renner’s performance seem to focus on his physical appearance – the fact that he’s not some Tom Cruise lookalike or hunk? You may as well start handing out Oscars for actresses based on how impressive their tits are. At best it is a very well made, good looking drama which was released at exactly the right time. At worst it’s an unrealistic Hallmark movie that just happens to have a master director in charge.

Halloween II

Ho-lee-shit. Listen, I didn’t mind the first Rob Zombie Halloween. He wanted to do his own thing, so by all means give it a go. The second effort is possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen in a theatre. Where to begin? There’s no sense writing a badly articulated diatribe about this – it’s so laughably bad that Police Academy 7 is ashamed of it.

Fame

That’s right, you can pretty much bet that if a crappy musical came out in any given year, it’ll be on my list – if I’ve had the misfortune to have seen it. The original is pretty terrible outside of the fact that it has some ripping tunes. This is the same, but worse, and without the ripping tunes.

An Education

Cripes this was banal, with a small disinterested ‘b’. The film which sadly unleashed Carey Mulligan on the world, it tells the story of… well I can’t really remember. It doesn’t matter does it? I don’t think I’ve yawned through a movie more than this – to its credit I didn’t fall asleep (that’s reserved for made for TV court dramas with names like Breach Of Contract or Justice For Bob, or Mrs Smith Gets A Divorce And Then Has A Custody Battle Over Her Infant Son, Jonas). 

The Fourth Kind

I’m a big fan of Milla Johovich. Sure the quality of her movies rarely goes higher than mindless action, but she’s always committed. The Fourth Kind seemed right up my alley until I watched it and wondered where are the scares that hardened horror fans seemed to be freaked out by. Remember that Ant And Dec movie Alien Autopsy? It had more scares than this.

The Lovely Bones

Peter Jackson had long been one of my favourite directors, from his early shlock, through The Frighteners and Heavenly Creatures. The LOTR trilogy is peerless. King Kong was a good 2 hour movie, blown up to off-putting CG-worship proportions. Then came The Lovely Bones – a misguided and offensive mess which looks as if it was made by a team who had never worked with each other before and had no experience of working on film. I’ve never read the source material – it always seemed like one of those Jodi Picault books to give housewives something to cry about. The movie certainly gave me something to cry about – the fact that Peter Jackson could have ever made something so insipid.

Lesbian Vampire Killers

I mean, it was going to be this or one of the shitty Ricky Gervais romps, wasn’t it? As much as I am mystified by people who enjoy Gervais, at least his films are generally competent. This isn’t, and has the added flaw of starring James Corden, whose one high moment was appearing in a Tango advert. It also stars Matthew Horne, whose one high moment is having a funny surname.

Let me know in the comments which of the films above you think I’ve got wrong. Are there some you love? Which movies released in 2009 would be at the bottom of your pile?

Nightman’s Least Favourite Films Of 2010

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Here we go. Now, you might be asking why I’m starting with 2010. I’ve mentioned this before, but if you’re new around these here parts, I rarely watch films as they are released. I have more important things to do (like beat the world record for most sit-ups in a minute). But I get to them eventually. At time of writing – 29th December 2019 – I looked at the films released in 2018 and saw that I haven’t seen one of the top ten grossing movies. Not Infinity War, not Black Panther, not Incredibles 2, Fallen Kingdom, Aquaman, Bohemian Rhapsody, Venom, Fallout, Deadpool 2, or Fantastic Beasts. What a naughty movie boy I am! I’ll get to them, but only one or two jump out at me as something I’d actually want to see beyond mere obligation.

So rather than start in media decennium, I rounded down to 2010. I’ll work my way back to 1950 and then cover 2011-2019. One more note – I generally now avoid movies I don’t think I’ll like and a lot of the ultra low budget, amateur, and obviously crap films. I almost never enjoy ‘so bad it’s good’ stuff, unless I’m completely off my tits. In other words, my lists aren’t going to contain Sharkopter Vs Megacock or Fifty Shades Shittier.

Now, you may want to go back and read my original post about why I’m doing these lists. Remember, in most cases I don’t hate these films – they may have disappointed me because I was so hyped, they may have been forced upon me while I sat there dreaming about murdering every single person on screen, or they may be some bloated blockbuster with a huge budget but zero ambition beyond making more money – money which could have saved hundreds of lives had it been put into a different endeavour. Some of your favourite movies may be included. If you get salty – man up – opinions can’t hurt you. By all means go ahead and love your movie – doesn’t mean I will, doesn’t mean it should change how you feel about it. I’m just some guy, just like you.

Lets get onto the movies in 2010 which didn’t do it for me – these are in no particular order.

Alice In Wonderland

Weeew, what a mess. I’m torn between saying this looks good, imaginative, bright, or just uncanny valley terrible. When you throw this much money at a film, you’d better be sure it looks amazing. It’s a great start having Tim Burton in the Director’s Chair, as he’s one of Hollywood’s visual pioneers. Plus you get a terrific cast – it should have been spellbinding. But it’s just an incoherent mess. Just like the original text. I’ve never been a fan of Carroll’s story, I’m not so precious as to not call it out as a fraud. There are other, better works of fantasy fiction in a similar vein, and its a book whose moments and characters and ideas are better than their execution. The film can’t really be faulted for absorbing those flaws.

What it can be faulted for is its descent into unforgivable camp, for making otherwise good actors deliver cringe after cringe, and for further making Tim Burton look like just another big budget stooge with no clue how to build character, garner emotion, tell a story, or elicit anything from the audience other than a confused yawn.

Daybreakers

For reasons far beyond me, this has popped up in a few year end and decade end lists of best, or most underrated horror movies lists. It’s neither of those things. It takes an… okay premise, and then turns the whole thing into Blade, if Blade was a Hallmark drama. They say the biggest sin a horror movie can commit is to not be scary. I’d go one further and say the greatest sin any movie can commit is to be boring. This is boring, it’s not scary, and it looks as drab as a Ken Loach film if he had a 1000 quid budget and a single cloakroom to film within. Years on, I struggle to recall anything which happened in the film beyond Sam Neill sitting behind a table.

The Wolfman

The Wolfman never really had a shot. As far as classic monsters go, the werewolf has never really had a great horror film. Not the Universal Classics, nothing from Hammer – the best of the bunch, by some distance, needed to resort to comedy to make what should be an interesting character, well, interesting. Credit for retaining some sort of Gothic approach and for attempting to elevate the thing by throwing legitimate actors at a script written by someone more interested in forced romance than genuine trauma. It feels like nobody gives a shit, outside of an enthused, gloomy Del Toro. The problem is it’s laughably predictable even without seeing any other version of the story. You know exactly how the film will play out, and how it will end. Within the opening ten minutes, if you haven’t worked out precisely how the final minutes will go, this must be your first movie – congratulations on finally entering the world of Cinema, you must be excited to discover all of these wonderful new fangled movie things the kids have been talking about. It doesn’t even look that interesting, and Anthony Hopkins looks as if he is not only channeling Brian Blessed, but has swallowed  him too. Go watch the 1941 version.

Shutter Island

Martin Scorsese and horror – finally. How could it go wrong? It barely goes right. Every twist is signposted, every performance is ridiculous, and if you’ve ever seen, literally any movie set in an asylum, you know how this one will go. The film insults the audience by treating us like naive children, and it again commits those cardinal sins – it’s boring, it’s not scary. In its defence it claims to be a psychological thriller – a term people use when their film lacks the balls to be Horror. Perhaps most infuriating it made a crapload of money when there were a bunch of more deserving movies which passed unseen or under-praised.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Wes Craven’s 1984 classic is my favourite horror movie of all time, and it’s a Top 5 for me regardless of genre. So I come in to any remake or sequel to these films with a bit of bias. However, I wasn’t as rabid as some who were anti-the film before it even got made and especially when they heard there would be no Craven involvement and no Englund as Freddy. I can’t say I was happy about it being remade as I always expected it to be crap, but that idea of a demonic entity stalking kids in their sleep is still one I find intriguing – with the right script, director, cast, there’s nothing stopping it from being good.

As expected, it’s not good. Props to everyone for trying something sort of different, and props to Jackie Earle for giving it a go, but it just doesn’t work – not as a Nightmare film, and not as a horror film. It’s nowhere near as inventive as it should be and doesn’t offer anything in the way of creative kills or use of the dream ‘space’ imaginatively. The script isn’t horrid, it’s just bland and like any number of remakes it tries to delve more into the character of the killer unnecessarily. Listen – it doesn’t matter who or what Freddy is, or any other killer for that matter. It wants to kill you. It has killed already. What the fuck are you going to do about it – that’s your film, or at least it should be.

While watching the film at the time, I kept thinking that it wasn’t as bad as the reviews had suggested and I wasn’t going to stoop to the same level as those somehow suggesting it tarnished the original. That didn’t stop it from also committing those Cardinal Sins once more – any ‘fear’ I felt in this was likely more jittery excitement at the possibility of Freddy showing up to fuck shit up. It’s not quite boring, it just feels like yet another slasher whereas the original flipped the genre on its head. I can’t remember a single kill or piece of dialogue from this movie so it would otherwise go on the to be forgotten pile. Because it has the name it does, it instead makes it onto the disappointed pile, and onto this list.

Robin Hood

When I was typing up this list, all I could remember about the film was that Ridley Scott directed and Russel Crowe was in it. At some point since watching, this got confused in my head with King Arthur or whatever the hell that was called. It shouldn’t be difficult to be a Robin Hood movie – the story and characters and setting are all there, and it’s perfectly set up for adventure, romance, and an all round fun time. So why the hell, in the four or five versions we’ve had in the last twenty or so years has every single one got it so wrong? Prince Of Thieves is the definitive modern version, and while it’s far from perfect, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. This… this is something about beards? Men with beards? Someone dies and some other guy pretends to be him, and then it ends. Honestly, the day after seeing this I couldn’t have told you anything that had happened.

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

I’m consistently bewildered by the love this film gets – popping up in many best of year and best of decade lists. I just don’t get it. It’s 100% hipster wank and feels like it was made by someone who has never played a videogame in their life. The Mario Bros movie is more authentic. It’s all so strange because I love everything else Edgar Wright has done. But it brings together a bunch of indie hipster performers and people I don’t generally rate to play 16 bit NPC-level humans cut in this generic music video style. There isn’t an ounce of originality in the script beyond the admittedly novel premise and I sat there watching it thinking ‘this is a seventy year old white guy’s idea of what a videogame looks like, after hearing about Pacman forty years earlier’. The fights, the stylized look, the colours, everything has been done better before and while it’s not the film’s fault, it pisses me off that people think this broke ground.

I don’t think I despised a movie more this decade to the point that even the clothes starting pissing me off. Honestly, I had a hard time finding a screenshot for the movie to include at the top of the post because looking at each one was making me more and more angry. But I wanted to feature that film as the featured image because I know how much everyone loves it – gotta get those clicks, bro!

Maybe it irked me so much because it’s so clearly aimed at someone like me, that it made me step back defensively and say ‘hold the fuck on – that’s what you think I am!? This is what the world sees me as!?’ It’s a film I should have loved, but it’s just an abhorrent shambles. Don’t get me started on the awful soundtrack either – if you have a film with performers as bland as Michael Cera, Anna Kendrick, and Jason Schwartzman, you just know the soundtrack is going to feature Beck. Throw in more failed Indie nobodies with less to say than Milli Vanilli and you have a film to watch the volume off.

After the first fight, you’ve seen all you need to. What the film doesn’t have the balls to say is that each and every character deserves to be pounded headfirst into a ? block before dropped down a pit with Game Over left on their blank tombstone.

Burlesque

Every so often, some wise-ass gets the great idea to bring the Musical back instead of letting it die and rot in the 1940s where it belongs. It’s a genre which simply doesn’t belong on screen anymore, unless you’re going to do something novel with it. Musicals on stage work – musicals on film don’t, and I can count the film musicals I tolerate (never mind enjoy) on one hand. Burlesque saw the bewildering success of Chicago and said ‘well, it’s been a few years, lets roll out the same shit again and see who falls for it this time’. It’s painful.

Once again in a musical we have a collection of songs that nobody who cares about music can honestly enjoy, once more it devolves into camp, and once more it delivers the promise of a story we’ve seen before played out by characters whose entire lives could fit under a child’s fingernail. When the primary purpose of your film is to showcase how well the human body can move in rhythmic time to a piece of music, you’ve failed as a film-maker. When the secondary purpose of your film is to show how well the human body looks in certain clothes, you have failed as a film-maker. While it should be fairly obvious that the Musical is not a genre I give two shits about, I can at least recognise when one is well-made versus one which isn’t. This is about as poor as the musical can get, with dialogue straight out of a instructional pamphlet written in Chinese and badly translated into English, and performances including Christina Aguilera’s – a wonderful showcase for her ability to wear make-up.

Chatroom

Hideo Nakata made one of my favourite movies of all time in Ringu. He has made some interesting films since then, none of which come remotely close to measuring up to that classic. Chatroom is a monstrosity arriving ten years too late and which seems even more outdated with each passing week. It’s a miracle that some of the cast members actually came out of this without the stench of shit following them. It makes next to no sense, it doesn’t understand its own script, and the actors seem to be in at least four different movies. How does the guy who did Ringu and Dark Water come out with something like this – a horror movie with zero attempt to build atmosphere and no scares? That’s an even bigger mystery than anything which happens in the film.

Rubber

Rubber makes my list, not only because it’s a bad film, but because it thinks it’s more clever than it is, and because a bunch of people fell for it. It’s a movie about a killer tyre – that’s more than enough to get me handing over my ill-gotten cash, and that’s what I want to see. Instead we get ham-fisted meta and everything trick employed to pad out the running time to ensure it’s not a short. If you’re a horror fan and you’ve heard someone talking about this movie – don’t waste your time with it – it’s not as good, or bad, or interesting as it sounds.

There you have it – some controversial choices to be sure. Let me feel your wrath in the comments, and feel free to share your most hated/least favourite films of 2010 below!

Nightman’s Least Favourite Movies By Year

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Greetings, Glancers! As I write this on… wait, what date even is it? I never know what day it is when I’m OoO for a length of time. It’s the 28th December. I’ve only recently realised that we’re at the end of another decade, one which has seen racist assholes and incel fucks rising from the cesspool of their own impotent self-hatred to give high-fives to terrorists around the globe and shudder in mewling misguided fear when anything so much as whispers at potentially changing their fragile, pointless, little scum-filled world. But hey, it also saw the birth of my two wonderful daughters and me becoming a billionaire playboy, so it hasn’t been all bad.

As I gander through the movie blogs and groups I’m involved in, I see everyone is posting their best of year and best of decade lists. Letterbox’d seems to be what people use, but I don’t know what that is so I’m sticking with my blog. You no doubt will have seen some of my Top Ten lists going back to 1950, and in the upcoming year I’m going to repost those with added opinions. But on top of that, I’ve also decided to do the same for my least favourites.

I don’t enjoy spending time on things I don’t enjoy – I’ll give anything a chance, but if I don’t like it or if it’s not for me, then I won’t spend any more time on it. Unless it’s objectively offensive and deserving of ridicule. The world would be a better place if we all did the same – just look at all the juvenile rage about (insert x fandom here). It’s pointless. It serves absolutely zero purpose beyond stretching the devisive state we already find ourselves in. However, as a blog-writing person you’re probably half interested in the movies I either didn’t enjoy, actively disliked, or was disappointed by. So, for each year going back to, probably, 1950, I’m going to list my least favourite movies. This doesn’t mean I feel they are the worst, most incompetent movies of the year, though it might, but just that they either didn’t interest me, pissed me off, or was something I was hoping to love which didn’t live up to my expectations.

As always, join me on the journey, call me out on my choices, give me a second opinion, or agree with me. I imagine my choices won’t align with most people. In each case I’ll give my reasons. In some cases there will be films which may be highly regarded, or even films I admit are good, but that I simply couldn’t enjoy. This isn’t me slinging shit, just letting you guys know a little more about my tastes and feelings. We’re all people – – doesn’t mean we have to feel the same. We go wrong when we decide someone or some group is worthless because of a difference of opinion. You feel like that and you’re still trapped in a playground mentality. Be better. They’re just movies. Crap ones. Ha!