Suicide Club- Just an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff

This funny Chinese film is a biography considering a special club that many teens have begun prescribing to. As the name suggests it is a Suicide Club- the only thing is that if you want to become a member you have to kill yourself first. Once you do that you get entry to the inner circle where you can drink tea and discuss the songs by famous South African band The Cure. We follow a group of friends as they struggle to gain acceptance by the existing members of the club- try as they might our heroes keep failing to kill themselves. This results in many humorous scenes involving bleeding arms (not deep enough!) hangings with weak rope (not strong enough!), jumping in front of trains but bouncing off them back onto the platform etc (not trainy enough!). It is actually quite touching as these kids just want to be part of something, but family life, school etc has forced them to become brooding outsiders filled with hate and despair. They only want to belong, so it is a pity that they must crawl into the grave to get friends. It seems there are millions of members world wide, and the numbers are growing all the time. Maybe we should listen to them once in a while instead of turning away.
Best Scene: When the guy with the funky hair keeps trying to drown himself in his bath but his little brother keeps pulling the plug out and disturbing him. He then pees in the bath and the funky guy has to jump out- ‘Uurgh, Jimmy, that’s gross!’

Another Failed Attempt
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Paddy’s Birthday

Hello again, weirdos! It’s me, the one who writes the things which must never be read, and adds to the words sounds which must never be heard. There was once a one called Paddy, but he went away. Then he came back! But then he went away again. He too was possessed of the drink of the cactus practice, and thus spewed forth an occasional disaster. Suffice to say, those too will appear in the Spac Hole one day, once they have passed sufficient quarantine. Here then is one of my dedications to him. Remember this- that viewing these words will likely cause a curse to befall you and your’s and that your fabrics will yearn endlessly to hear the accompanying sounds. Visit the Spac Hole on the you tube for some relief, as the sounds will one day soon make a deadly appearence there. But, for now:

Hello Paddy.

I hope you are having a pleasant day.

I don’t want to spoil your fun, but, I have come for your soul.

Happy Birthday, Paddy.

Have some presents.

Merry Christmas too, you dirty, filthy scumbag.

This is a gift; I hope you like it.

If not prepare to die you ungrateful ass.

I’ll clucking kill you.

Yeah.

Understand you are going to die.

Tonight.

I am in The Shadows.

I am in The Mist.

I am what the insane fear.

I am

Behind you.

Hi I’m Stacey.

I am singing very badly.

I’m dressing up as Lara Croft, mummy!

I like to spend my time in the toilets;

Andrew calls them traps.

I hope I get to play Street Fighter tonight, yes yes.

I am Ryu!

Hadouken baby!

Flawless victory.

I bet you are laughing cos I’m a clever, funny boy.

Oh yes.

This song is now over, thankfully as I’m bored of it.

Have you finished your supper?

Link to the past it up!

You may hear laughter and wonder from where it comes.

It is you.

Laughing at yourself from an asylum you will soon inhabit.

Q: The Winged Serpent: The Cohen Brother’s Best!

Q, or to give it it’s full title- The 8 Exciting Excapades Of Mr Q, The Big Thing, Also Known As Quaker Coat Al, King Of The Mormans, As He Chases Shaft, Kwai Chang, And Michael Moriarty- is basically just a remake of Jaws, but set in space. It has all the same scenes from that movie- a child being mauled to death as he takes his moon buggy for a brief spin; a dead man’s head floating by the spaceship’s port hole, Shaft having his legs bitten off as Q eats through the bottom of the ship. Heck, it even ‘borrows’ some of the famous lines- ‘We’re gonna need a bigger rocket’, ‘we’re gonna need a bigger ship’, ‘Monster! (instead of shark!)’, and ‘Hi’. It is suffice it to say that the famous George Lucas theme tune of the approaching evil is rogued too. While the Jaws music goes like this- Duh duh. Duh duh. Du du du du duh da du du, duh da du du’ and so on, the music in Q goes like this- ‘Duh duh. Duh duh. Du du du du duh da du du, duh da du du’. If that ain’t a slice of the old Rip Off Magee, then I don’t know what is boy!

Anyways, I’m sure if you’ve seen Jaws (or it’s other remake, King Qwong) you’ll know the basic storyboard. Humans have been living on the moon for a few weeks now, but for some reason they are all trapped in the 80s, or possibly the 60s. Drilling for precious moon oil has awoken an ancient beast known as Qod (basically God with a Q) and he ain’t happy! He ain’t happy, but he ain’t not hungry! Q is a giant dragaon type feature, roughly the size of a large squirrel, and he can fly. He can’t breath fire, but he ain’t not hungry! He feasts on space tramps and rocks and takes off towards the main city- Earth Part Two. Soon it is a race against time for the spacemen to work together and bring down this awesome foe.

I like the graphics in this film- they are some of the best I have ever scene, and I like the fact that they filmed on the moon, with Neil Armstrong’s permission. There is plenty of gore and killings, and the excitements are kept high on the scale- about 340lbs worth, give or take. What the film really needed was a big monster fight- they should have dug up another alien and had a smackdown rumble fest where they both smelled what the other had cookin’. This is a lovely piece of filming, Michael Douglas should be proud.

Best Scene: Patrick Moore’s cameo. He is discussing the possibility of life on other planets at the start of the show, then it cuts to him going to his dressing room. Later when his director goes to pick him up for his next shoot, and spins his chair round he is dead and Q has crawled out of his eye! You know which one.

Police Academy 2: Bowser’s Revenge

The sequel to the greatest comedy ever made had a lot to live up to- would Mahoney still up up to his sexy tricks, or had he settled down? Was Tackleberry still making us roll around the ground in excessive laughings with his hilarious gun-play? Could Jones think of even more new and hilarious noises to enchant us? Most importantly, the serious nature of the storyline- now that our cadets had passed their training could they handle real life on the job as cops on the deadly streets of America? This was sure to be engaging stuff. Sadly this sequel isn’t nearly as good as the first, but thankfully it is even better! It’s by far the best film since the last one, and easily the best in the series apart from the other 6! There are so funny many that I coherent write can’t sentences! I know! Also introduced for the first and only time is my favourite character from the whole series- he may only appear in this film, but he also comes back for the next three! His name be Zeb, and in this he is a bad guy, but don’t be scared cos he’s really good, the same way silk pants are good, and he rubs you the right way by doing funnies and speaking like a weirdo. He is like a cross between Jones and a tramp. He leads the a gang of hoodlums who race around the city on jet skis, throwing punch on the mayor and stealing TVs without even paying for them- that’s not theft like I know it! Anyway, I’m being taken sideways as I keep thinking of a good bit, and remembering, and laughing. Oh no- here comes another! Mudhoney must dress up as a bad guy to infiltrate their gang and same their boss from extinction. I don’t like that Bowser is here instead of Captain Harris- Harris is my favourite, especially in the Blue Oyster or when he has glued bits in his hair! Jones causes diversion by going VVVVVT- BRREEE,AII-AII-OOGGALISHNARFBITZZ!, while Loganberry shoots a pile of boxes with a tank. BLLEEEE- RAWAAK!

Best Scene- There are too many to name, but the one where Sweet Cheeks shoots his own shop is a genuine treat!

101 Dalmations- Imagine One Hundred And One Anythings Humping Your Leg!

As a monkey lover (not like that you dirty boy! Lol!) I have trouble watching films about animals which don’t feature monkeys. After overcoming this initial disappointment, I sat down to watch this Walter Dizzy classic. The story is about a family who have a hundred Dalmation dogs (the ones which look like zebras) and are entering the American version of Crufts- ‘The Abe Lincoln Sponsored Stars And Stripes Canine Appreciation Gala Contest Bonanza For Dog Breeders Featuring Exciting Races, Daring Obstacles, Grooming Awards, And Stalwart Obedience Show!’ or better known as TALSSASCAGCBFDBFERDOGAASOS! The family hear about a loophole that if someone has 101 dogs of the same breed they automatically win the top prize- the Woofey, and a million one dollar bits. Their dogs are mongrels you see- stupid, ugly, and disobedient. The first part of the show is taken up with the family trying to train their dogs to sit, sleep, run, eat, dance, and sing- this leads to some wonderful hits such as ‘Spot The Wrong’un!’, ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’, ‘Barken’, ‘Oh What A Lovely Bone’ and ‘Get Off My Nice Clean Carpet You Dirty Bitch’. Realising their dogs are useless they try to exploit the loop. Most of the film is taken up by the owners and their lovely children trying to get their puppies to mate so that they reach the target of 101- this led to some questionable scenes which young audiences were not prepared for and the eventual ‘disappearances’ of many of the staff. 40 years later a mass burial site was exhumed where a number of bodies of the staff were found- some with bones inserted in the wrong spot (pardon the puns). Bette Davis spices things up a tad with her portrayal of Cruel Fella D’Evil- a local mobster who went mental when her husband was murdered by the Godfather, Don Niro De Pachinko. She hates the sound of dogs, but loves the taste, and has heard an ancient myth which speaks of ‘the flysh of the one hundred and first born pup shall give eternal life to he who shalt feast of it’. She tries to kidnap number 101 (Ploppy) and eat it, but the other dogs set traps up for her around the house, such as messes under the windows, messes on the hallways, and worst of all, messes on the door handles. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it ends by the plot coming to and end and the credits rolling. Although this was filmed about a hundred (and one!) years ago, the graphics and camera-work are very enticing. Disney were the only studio rich enough back then to make their films in colour, which is why this looks so could compared to other rubbish like Castle Blanka. Unfortunately the unsavoury nature of the plot combined with the toilet humour, and the fact that it was basically a remake of the Nazi propaganda film ‘Eine hundert und eine Rettungen’ or 101 Salvations mean that it makes for inappropriate viewing.

Best Scene: Fred Willard’s humorous commentary throughout the various stages of the dog trials- it was one of his first appearances, at the age of 42.

Night Of The Living Dead: Wax On; Brains Out

I remembrance when this was first show- none of the big studios wanted it so Romeo had to travel on his scooter with copies of it to local cinemas. On his first few attempts he told the owners that it was a film about zomboids munching human flysh and flesh- understandably most were horrified by this plot and spat in his face. Romeo, being an intelligent, bearded gentleman knew that he would have to lie in order for his film to be shown. He began to tell people it was about a group of dancers called the Living Dead who were from ‘the streets’ and had to fight prejudice and poverty just so they could dance together. A heartwarming story, it featured the tag line ‘They’re coming to get down, Barbara!’ The main character is a shy girl who learns what it is to live, love, and dance and ends up having the time of her life, like she’s never felt before. The Living Dead recruit her by repeatedly dancing on her lawn and banging on her doors and windows- she tries to keep them out, but you can’t stop the groove, baby!. The beats get more intense, the clothes get more lesser, and soon she succumbs to the ancient art of waving your arms and legs about. The group scrape together enough money to enter the (arm)Pittsburgh dance contest and finally get a stage on which they can showcase their talents. After rough treatment from rich rival dance troupe, Kobra Kyle, they find a wizened old trainer called Mr Umaga. Through him getting them to paint his house, wax his carts, clean his many chimbleys etc they learn valuable life lessons which will ensure they can form important social relationships and gain self confidence when they eventually start employment. Suffice to say, the film has a wonderfully tender ending as the group, just as it looks like they have thrown away the final dance, manage to pull off the mythic 5 metre Qwop twirl dance move and get a 10 from Brucie. Paralleled with the Vietnam war which was entertaining America at the time, Romeo’s impressive social commentary manages to convey the joyous spirit of the time- before there was mistrust, before there was paranoia, and when everyone loved each other regardless of the colour of their skin, or the ugly of their face.

Best Scene: The naked zomboid ass.

Leathal Weapon 2: We Don’t Need A Nuther Hero!

Burtdog and Hicks return with some guns blazing in this film called Lethal Weapon 2. Buddy movies and sequels were all the rage in the 80s, and this is amongst the best or the worst depending on which way your wind blows. Crazy Gary Busey and Patsy Klinesit also co-star with Crazy Joe Pesci in this crazy romp. Crazy cop Melanie Gibson goes off the rails when his wife is killed by drowning. He teams up once again with Danny Glove to get into action and kill all the water in the world. The problem is, Fanny Lover is also scared of water and keeps getting stuck on toilets so isn’t much help. It turns out that Tyrannical (Saurus Rex!)Busey is a surfer who can send tidal waves at sunbathers. He has been steadily growing this power so that he can unleash a huge wave at San Fransico and kill everyone (when he was younger he was rejected by the flighty San Fran crowd for not being flamboyant enough). Rather than going for the logical solution and calling the coast guard or Superman’s cousin Water (man) Mel Griffith and Danny Glick decide to take on the wet Bush meister themselves.

This film ups you auntie from the first film, and is bigger, better, and not as good. There are plenty of quips and spark between all the cast members (in actual life they are all related to each other and grew up in the same house), and we have car chases, boat chases, surfy chasings, and lots of guns and bombs. This should all add up and equal a good film, but for some reason it doesn’t. Maybe they forgot to carry the one. They seem to have done something like 3 + 5 + 5 + 4 = 10. Don’t not do not get me wrong, right? Because it is still good, just not as good as it should have been. They would reach new highs with the third film, which is easily the worst of the Octology.

Best Scene: When Riggs and Barry are chasing Bushell in the water and he suddenly leaps out at them, yelling paranoid conspiracy theory rhetoric at them before sinking back into the gloomy depths. Gibson turns to his lover and delivers one of the great movie one-liners: ‘We might need a bigger boat!’

Season In The (Sun) Abyss. Land Of Ire.

Summer time is upon us.    Rejoice!                                                                                                                                    Pretty boys are in short skirts, bees are chasing children, and everywhere the sunshine smiles.                                                                                                                   Where do you going for your holiday vacation?                                                                 Hawaian?American?                                                                                                                          Spainan?           Carribea?                                                                                                                                  Those are all a good, but a better good is on your doorstep.      Yes.                                                                                                                                            Ireland. Come To Ireland.                                                                                                  There is a North and a South, but no West or East, except in Belfast (which is not right).                                                                                                                                             The land of Leprachauns.                                                                                                        The land where giants cause ways and sheep are better than women.             Visit our famous cities: Newtownards, Portavogie, Aughnacloy, and now Strabane!                                                                                                                                       Come on on in and see what we bees havin for ye.                                                 Sights which your eyes will not believe and your eyes will not stomach.                                                                                                                                    There is the Scappo Tower, The Mourning Mountains, Jesus and Goliath where the big ship disaster was made.                                    

Kiss the Bloody Stone and get three wishes and leprosy.                                      Also, with added tramps, the walled village for Londerrydon. Lododnerry. Derrylon. Londodnerry- I don’t know- the place which is not a place.       

You too can throw brick at the RUNI.                                                                              

We have many famous and not welcome people, like Julian- now on the UTV, heart surgeon Dr. Paisley, local buffon Stephen Carton, and visit the grave of the best footballer of ever- Donald Goalposts.                                                            Yes, we have all the things; Sun, Sea, no Sand, and Sexies.                                                                                                                                         Come to Northern Ireland. Come To Southern Ireland. Come To Here-Land.

Kickboxer: The Muscles From Belgium Kicks Exposed Bums!

Yes, now we’re into the realms of classic masterpieces! One of John Claud Van Damne’s early films, Kickboxer has it all- fighting. Jean Cloud stars as Luc ‘kickboxer’ Deveroux, a fighter who wants to travel to China and enter a deadly Marshall Arts contest. His brother, Luke Deveroux was meant to go but as he was an unknown actor they decided to send Vin Darn instead. Off he goes, wearing nothing as always to make sure the female, gay, and curious portion of the audience get to drool over his well oiled, muscular and inviting buttocks. Soon he is being trained by a wizened old genius in the ways of kick boxing. He kicks empty cardboard boxes, flat packs, dodges boxes filled with ripe fruit and veg, and eats cardboard all day. The middle section of the film is simply various montages of this type of behaviour, showing his skills improving until he can do the splits balancing on top of a hundred stacked milk cartons. We also see him shaking his thang at a local bar, entrancing the local woman and igniting them into a sexual frenzy. Luckily when they approach he snaps their necks with swift roundhouse kicks. Thus he is ready for the tournament. Many fighters from around the globe and beyond have come to fight and win. We have Bolo from China, a sumo wrestler from Japan, a Viking from Norway, a funny little crab like creature from Africa, and various others, each with a unique fighting style. Shaun Claw Damn Van progresses through each round, beating everyone easily. In the final he has to fight a hard looking transvestite who trains by kicking holes in car doors and eating concrete. JCVCDVD beats him after a gruelling ten rounds by punching him in the nuts so hard that she/he becomes a he/she. We celebrate with a fist pumping 80s power ballad, possibly called ‘Don’t Let The Cardboard Box You In (Keep Believing, Little Boy)!’

Best Scene: When the Sumo sits on the little crab man and laughs, and you see all the arms and limbs underneath frantically flailing around, then stretching climactically, then trembling softly, then stopping. Always stopping.