Patrick Swayze – August 18, 1952 – September 14, 2009

Even though Swayze will always be primarily remembered for a four-year stint where he was one of the most successful box office stars in the world, his career spanned five decades and multiple genres, beginning in 1979 and ending in 2009. Famed for the good looks and charisma which drove the success of his biggest hits Ghost and Dirty Dancing, he is remembered also as an accomplished pilot, dancer, singer, and theatre actor. Overcoming several losses during his life, his marriage to Lisa Niemi was one of the few in modern Hollywood which was built to last and helped him deal with the pitfalls of show business and personal tragedies. Swayze continued to work until his death at the age of 57.

RIP

April 24, 2015 at 11:07 am Leave a comment

Best Picture: 1964

Actual Nominations: 1964 saw the musical come back to prominence; a tragedy for all sane movie going fans. On one hand we have the good- My Fair Lady, with one of Hepburn’s best and most iconic performances. On the other hand we have Mary Poppins– undoubtedly influential, but undoubtedly twee, annoying, and with some of the most irritating songs ever put onto screen. All eyes and ears were on these two, particularly because of the studio rivalry, and the controversy surrounding the way the two stars were picked for each film. Suffice to say, neither of these get my vote. Becket is a typical watered down version of both an important play and part of history, with all the usual Shakespeareanesque stage school delivery while Zorba The Greek portrays a middle-class Englishman discovering and embracing his exotic Greek heritage. Both of these are engaging enough, neither are worthy of the win. That leaves me with one pick, and it is an obvious one. Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove is a classic in many ways, featuring groundbreaking satire, a wonderful script, top-notch acting, and the strict, fearless direction of a master. It is also the only film here which does not seem dated and has still great relevance today. Its humour was shocking at the time, and will still raise the eyebrows of any newcomers today, while the jokes are as sharp now as they ever were.

My Winner: Dr. Strangelove.

My Nominations: Dr. Strangelove. My Fair Lady. A Fistful Of Dollars. Goldfinger. Onibaba. Zulu.

My nominations feature several new additions, a few of which were overlooked by the Academy completely this year. We were introduced to The Man With No Name in the first part of the Dollars trilogy with Leone’s genre bursting A Fistful Of Dollars. Instantly and immensely successful the film made household names of at least 3 legends of the business- Clint Eastwood, Sergio Leone, and Ennio Morricone. It is a violent, meticulous, gangster Western which shocked audiences at the time but which the trio would later better. Featuring more violence is the flawed British classic Zulu, one of a small fistful of British films which has stood the test of time and gives massive insight into our personality, history, and culture. Another British hit from this year is the definitive Bond film Goldfinger. Many decades later this is still the one critics and fans point to as the high point of the series with all the expected staples present and perfected. Flying over the seas to Japan brings my final choice- Onibaba is now rightly regarded as the peak of Japanese thrillers, Kaneto Shindo’s allegory on Japan’s Post nuclear trauma. It is both beautiful, chilling, and resonates with any audience thanks to brilliant performances, off-putting angles, an earthy soundtrack, and it’s powerful and provocative story.

My Winner: A Fistful Of Dollars.

Don’t agree with my nominees or winners? Let us know in the comments section.

 

April 22, 2015 at 11:08 am Leave a comment

Hilarious Lyrics Translations – April 2015

Please note – the following hilarious translations are not the same as the equally hilarious misheard lyrics, nor are they actual translations currently out there in Pop Land. All I have done is taken a famous song and slapped the lyrics into one of the famous (ly bad) Internet Translation tools – translated from English into Korean, then back into English, with hilarious results. I picked Korean because, based on previous experience, it seems to struggle in the funniest way with the English language, and vice versa. Each week, I’m going to select some of the most famous songs of all times, of recent times, and throw in a few obscure favourites too, all for your enjoyment! Lets start the laughter right now!

Poker Face

For the longest time I was not aware this song existed. Then, one sultry night in St Lucia I was made aware of its existence via the drunken medium of Karaoke. Since then I have maybe heard it only a handful of times -having been dragged to some terrible basement club where fools dry hump each other into a flaccid frenzy. Beyond that, a number of Gaga songs have passed through my sound-caves without too much distress. I’ll admit that some of her sub-Madonna tunes are catchy, and that her, or her management team, seem to have a talent for making headlines, but aside from that Gaga and her music have failed to make an impact on my life. Today all that changes as, seven years too late, I try to decipher her lyrics. I’m going to guess they concern outwitting supervillians and their metal-rimmed bowler hat wearing henchmen.

 The Original

Mum mum mum mah. Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum mah. Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum mah

I wanna hold ’em like they do in Texas, please
Fold ’em, let ’em, hit me, raise it, baby, stay with me (I love it)
Love game intuition play the cards with Spades to start
And after he’s been hooked I’ll play the one that’s on his heart

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got

Can’t read my, Can’t read my, No he can’t read my poker face
(she’s got me like nobody)
Can’t read my, Can’t read my, No he can’t read my poker face
(she’s got me like nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah)

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you’re with me (I love it)
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it’s love if its not rough it isn’t fun, fun

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face, (Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face, (Mum mum mum mah)
(Mum mum mum mah) (Mum mum mum mah)

I won’t tell you that I love you, Kiss or hug you
Cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin
I’m not lying, I’m just stunnin’ with my love-glue-gunning
Just like a chick in the casino, Take your bank before I pay you out
I promise this, promise this, Check this hand cause I’m marvelous

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah)

The Translation

Ma ma ma Mahjong, Ma ma ma Mahjong
Ma ma ma Mahjong, Ma ma ma Mahjong
Ma ma ma Mahjong

They want to I, as Texas, wait a minute they
(I love it), listen to me hit me, them, let them, ‘Fold the impression your baby
Love games and card games spades straight start
And after he’s been addicted I play one of his mind

Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I showed him what I found, that’s hot
Oh-e-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I showed him what I found, that’s hot

Naeeul can not read, I can not read
No he can not read my poker face (She’s got me like nobody)
I can not read, I can not read
No he can not read my poker face (She’s got me like nobody)

P-P-P- poker face, P-P- Poker Face (Ma ma ma MAH)
P-P-P- poker face, P-P- Poker Face (Ma ma ma MAH)

We are going to be, I want to roll with him a hard one pairs
You (I love it) a little fun while gambling with me
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And if the baby is not being tough love its fun, fun

Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I showed him what I found, that’s hot
Oh-e-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I showed him what I found, that’s hot

P-P-P- poker face, P-P- Poker Face (Ma ma ma MAH)
P-P-P- poker face, P-P- Poker Face (Ma ma ma MAH)
(Ma ma ma MAH) (Ma ma ma MAH)

I love you, will not tell you Kiss or Hug. My Muffin ‘bluff it causes
I lie not, my love glue – I’m just stunnin as offal numyeo total
Just like a chick in the casino, Take your bank before I pay you
I promise, this promise, Make an amazing hand cause I yiyayi

P-P-P- poker face, P-P- Poker Face
(Ma ma ma MAH)
P-P-P- poker face, P-P- Poker Face
(Ma ma ma Mahjong)

The WTF

Aww, bless. She was singing about sex. There’s nothing braver than singing about something as natural and as important so survival as eating, breathing, and sleeping. Ayumi Hamasaki’s Poker Face is better. Truth be told, the original lyrics above contain some fairly terrible lines in the good old tried and true routine of ‘pick a subject, any subject, and then make it about sex’. ‘Check this hand cause I’m marvelous’ is just about as awful a line as you’ll ever hear, and is almost worthy of its own WTF.

As is standard with the WTF translation, the lyrics take on a much more interesting and disturbing life of their own. We get to business immediately as the translator takes Gaga inane time-filling warbling and uses it to create a subtle new level of conflict within the story – we have not only two parties whose groins wish to mash together for a few sloppy moments, but we now learn that one is a Poker fan, and one is a Majong fan – a lip-licking development.

Rather than dealing with all the pussy-footing (ahem) and teasing of the original, the translation seems to deal with the act itself – the crazed words spat out by folks in the middle of sex – the words which must never be spoken or thought of again for fear of a total shame-based breakdown, but which seem perfectly vital at the time. As such, the opening lines lack coherence, and are more the result of half-thoughts and guttural results caused by the impact of special areas slamming together. Similar to when you get gut-punched, you may let out an involuntary ‘urgh’ or ‘korraaapgghhhh’, Gaga and her mate are panting and spouting nonsense.

In the bridge, we get further insight into Gaga’ character, perhaps she actually is a Secret Agent, and her partner is her partner, and she thinks it’s ‘hot’ to show him what she found. Is she turned on by seeking the approval of her superiors and/or colleagues? Gaga then relays her honesty as she presumably doesn’t want this relationship to simply be based on sex, but trust – she sees a future in it and doesn’t want there to be any secrets. She she tells the guy that she cannot read. That’s a pretty important secret, but hardly surprising reading the original lyrics. She has essentially, after a single meagre sex act, devolved from an independent woman to a compliant housewife to be – the reference to Majong disappears, as she casts off her prior interests to better suit her man. You can tell though that she feels a little ashamed of what she has become with the emphasis on ‘MAH’ – she wants to speak out, but holds back and the last moment.

 This twee compliance continues through the following lines, with ‘We are going to be’ and ‘We (I love it)’, with the final burn coming in ‘I love you, will not tell kiss or hug’ where she basically states that she loves this man, but isn’t going to force him into anything he doesn’t want – no kisses, hugs, or cuddles dear, just bend me over when you want me and I’m good (I love it). Unfortunately, this treatment eventually forces her inner Ophelia out, and she is left an insane trembling shell of what she once was, making up words, and comparing herself with poultry and carcass. The most interesting line in the whole piece is ‘I’m just stunnin as offal’ – not only is this as sardonic and brilliant a lyric as anyone could hope to create, but it’s oddly prophetic given some of Gaga’s costume choices over the years.

Beekeeper’s Blues

An apt choice from my random iPod selection, and a fitting partner to Poker Face, Susanna ‘Goddess’ Hoffs’s bluesy folk ballad is a tale of love gone sour, with some decent, bitter lyrics. Not one of my favourites from Hoffs, it’s nevertheless a song with plenty of opportunities for hilarious results.

The Original

You only call when you want money, And when I need you you’re not there
Everybody else has written you right off
You make it hard to care, You’re pretty hard to bear

Women think that you’re a genius ‘Til you get caught for who you are
I reeled you in and you ate me half alive
You were a future star, Who do you think you are?

No good deed will go unpunished, oh oh oh And no beekeeper goes unstung
And these boots are made for walkin’ They’re walking back to you
What else can I do?

I know you know that you’re good lookin’ And you’re not known for too much else
I took you in and you left me half alive
Don’t know what you do Or who you do it to

When I’m gone someone will save you. When she gets tired there’s always someone new
I reeled you in and you ate me half alive
You were a future star . Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are? I reeled you in and you ate me half alive
You were a future star. Who do you think you are?

No good deed will go unpunished, yea yea yea. No beekeeper goes unstung
And these boots are made for walkin’, I’m walkin’ back to you
What else can I do?

Oh no no (oh no no). Walkin’ back to you (walkin’ back to you)
Oh oh oh, walkin’ back to you (walkin’ back to you)
(I’d do it all again, I’d do it all again) with you

The Translation

Call only if you want the money. When you’re not, I need you
All the others have written for you right now, even now,
So you can hard-nerve. You bear a pretty hard

Women think you’re a genius, Till you caught anyone you ‘
I’ve been feeding you your half eaten me alive.
You were the future stars. Who do you think you are?

What good works are oh, oh, oh, I will go punishment. And more beekeepers go unstung
And boots are made for walkin ‘ They’ve got you walking back
What can I do different?

I said, ‘You know what you’re looking for good, And you’re not so much known to others
I live a half you had you left me
Do not you know what, Or who you do it to

When I do not have someone to save you, New people are always tired when she
I’ve been feeding you your half eaten me alive.
You were the future stars, Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are? I’ve been feeding you your half eaten me alive.
You were the future stars. Who do you think you are?

What good deed is indeed true, as indeed the punishment to go
Some beekeepers go unstung And boots are made for walkin ‘
Stuff I walked back to you What can I do different?

(Oh no), Ania. Walkin ‘(walks back to you again, you’)
Oh, oh, oh, walk (walk back to you again, you ‘)
With you (again I will do everything, to do everything again.)

The WTF

It’s always difficult to decipher these jumbled disasters, especially when there are many difficulties with punctuation, repeated words, and thoughts left hanging mid-flow. What sense I can gleam from it seems to copy over much of the bitterness of the original, but with an added cannibalistic flavour. ‘I’ve been feeding you, your half eaten’ is disturbing enough to feature in a Thomas Harris novel, while the repeated appraisals of punishment and ‘What can I do different’ hint at a the fevered mind of a serial killer who know they can’t stop themselves. In direct contradiction to the original’s ‘No Beekeeper goes unstung’, Susannah says that some in fact do escape sting-free. Is she the Beekeeper? Is that her serial-killer title? I think we need to get Columbo on this one, stat.

April 21, 2015 at 10:13 am Leave a comment

Manic Mondays – 4/20/2015

I don’t expect your sympathy/I’m old, I’m strange I’m confidential
Has my fantasy run out of delusion?/Has my fantasy reached its logical conclusion?
I’m running out of fantasy

Running Out Of Fantasy

April 20, 2015 at 10:15 am Leave a comment

Carry On Dick: You have a large penis!

Hi. This is a continuation of the ‘popular’ British sitcom from the 60s- ‘Dicks’ and features a crossover with The Royal Shakespeare Company’s successful series of carrion films. ‘Dicks’ was about a group of rather annoying lads living on a typical council estate in England (Chelsea) who spend their time drinking Buckfast and standing on your garden causing a general nuisance, whilst Carry On follows a group of rather annoying people who are variously horny and who get into assorted scrapes which result in all manner of doobla entendres. There were so many episodes of this series that I’m not sure which one this one was about, so I’ll just ‘Carry On’ and see what happens- ha ha!(Dick)

In this one, our heroes have just returned from a sexy camping trip in Skegness and the men are well and truly spent, having satisfied their wicked urges- Rick James satisfied his urge with Baps Windsor, Kenneth Wimyams satisfied his urge with his self, Franklin Howard satisfied his urge all over Joan (the) Sims, whilst the thin, sickly one satisfied himself on an upturned tent spike- Arrgh Matron! Suffice it to say, the man are in no need for any more sordid incidents, but the women, having only had their arousals roused, need more- hence the title. They wish to Carry On, but the men can’t stands no more and the men’s little men can’t stands at all. The women have heard that there are rather frisky, impure, rather annoying men in a local council estate, so they make their merry way round the corner in search of the Dicks to satisfy themselves. For ease of reference, I have made a list of some of the Dicks:

Simon Cowell, Chad Kruegger (Freddy’s brother from Nicklesack), the ones from the US Spin Off- Jersy Shore, Alec Fergison, et all.

There are many other Dicks in this episode such as Jimmy (I’ll) Nail (ye) and (St.) Nicholas Lindhurts who appeared in the original series, and suffice it to say, all of them end up giving and receiving mouth gifts in the final forty minute lurgee scene. In the end, Sid Jims and crew turn up realizing that their women have absconded and squeeze all the Dicks between their hands until they pop. It was quite a violent end and suffice it to say, it was the penultimate and final episode in the series before the last few new episodes began daily over the next few years.

Best Scene: Once again, the screen writers created a wonderful ensemble of character names, such as Gloria Stitz, Clint Oris, Hugh Jukok, Ian Us, Simon Cowell, Slapt Ass, Anne O’Gasim, Phil McCracken, Dougie Style, Tug Mashlong, and of course the triplets- Suk Mi, Phuk Mi, and Dave.

April 19, 2015 at 8:44 pm Leave a comment

1964 Academy Awards: An Introduction

The 37th Academy Awards ceremony is remembered mostly for the rivalry between the two musicals Mary Poppins and My Fair Lady. Both films have gone down in history as iconic as have the central characters in each, and many of the movie quotes have become part of pop culture lexicon. Hosting the Awards this year was unsurprisingly Bob Hope and presenters included Fred Astaire, Joan Crawford, Rex Harrison, Audrey Hepburn, Sidney Poitier, and Gregory Peck, while performances included Judy Garland’s Cole Porter tribute and Andy Williams singing ‘Dear Heart’.

Mary Poppins ended the night with 5 wins from its 13 nominations, while My Fair Lady fared better with 8 wins from 12 nominations. An Honorary Award was given to William J. Tuttle- one of the great Make Up Artists of the time. Which movies and stars will be the big winners from my revamping? Stay tuned to find out…

1964- The Oscars

April 15, 2015 at 9:21 am Leave a comment

The Dark Tower On The Big Screen?

Just a note that this post may contain minor spoilers for anyone has not yet read or completed the Dark Tower series. I won’t be going into in-depth detail on characters or plots, but some of my points will veer into minor spoiler territory.

If you’re a movie fan or a Stephen King fan, then I’m sure you’ll have heard the recent news that Sony and MRC have acquired the rights to Kings epic fantasy Western series. Most of us who have been following King for a while will no doubt be aware of the many similar pieces of news which have been published over the years. Only last year it seemed like it was finally going to happen, with Ron Howard putting himself forward as Director, Akiva Goldsmith writing a draft script, and they put together a plan almost as ambitious as the series itself – multiple movies and an accompanying TV series to ensure the screen adaptation remained as faithful as possible to what Sai King put on paper. For most fans it seemed like a dream come true, with daily discussions on hopes and fears being posted on forums and blogs, and over time various A-list actors began being attached to the series. But it all fell apart.

It’s hardly surprising. Aside from the sheer scope of the series, and the budgets that would be involved, there are many factors involved in creating this project. Sure, some lazy company could make a couple of movies loosely based on a gunslinger chasing a man in black through a desert, and through various worlds in search of The Dark Tower, but what would be the point? Every fan has a will they/won’t they/can they/should they relationship with the series. King fans are a ravenous, faithful bunch, and even such heralded adaptations as The Stand, The Shawshank Redemption, and Stand By Me have their detractors. For some The Dark Tower is the Holy Grail, and many fans are waiting for an adaptation to fall foul of dubious script decisions, removals and/or additions of plot points. When considering ‘will they’ or ‘won’t they’, to me it seems like the answer is an inevitable yes.

Almost everything King has written has made it to screen in some shape or form, with The Dark Tower being the ever more conspicuous gap. Even though King’s films are not always profitable, even though they are rarely both critically and commercially well received, it has never stopped people making and releasing them. Hollywood is so out of ideas that it will turn to what it knows best – big names, remakes, and sequels. In horror there is no bigger name than King, and already many of his previous screen adaptations are being remade. The flip side of this point is that Hollywood hates to take a gamble, and The Dark Tower could end up being a costly flop. Possibly the idea of movies could be abandoned altogether, and the series as a whole could be translated to the small screen instead. Shows such as Under The Dome and Haven appear to be doing well, and Game Of Thrones has proven that the viewer is willing to follow a complex fantasy series with a massive cast of characters – as long as it’s done right, and with quality. TV is in a different place than in previous decades, pulling in the finest writers and actors and budgets – get the right people involved and the rest should follow naturally.

That takes me to ‘can they’? This may be the most complex question. What approach do you take, how do you get a cast and crew to commit to something so huge – it’s a series that will take up a considerable chunk of an actor/director/writer’s life, and there are iconic characters which are sure to stick with an actor for the rest of their life and beyond. Where do you draw the line between what is considered for a movie, and what for TV? What happens if the first movie is a flop? How do you adequately explain Roland’s determination to get to the Tower, how do you cover all of the important imagery which permeates each story? How do you convey The Tower as the apex of all worlds without showing those worlds, and their tie-in stories and characters? How do you film an insane, riddle-loving bullet train racing through a Wasteland towards its own destruction? How do you deal with the meta nature of the last few books? How do you film sex in A Speaking Demon ring… what the hell is a Speaking Demon ring? Every few pages of each book there will be something problematic for even the greatest writer and director. The simple answer is that the best writers and directors simply make things work. Like magicians or silver-tongued liars, they can convince us of anything… but it will never be easy. Can they do it? Ultimately, yes. I have no doubt that a dedicated group could make this a seminal moment in Televison and Film history; I have no doubt that a respectful company could craft something entertaining. However, I am fully aware that it could be a resounding disaster.

And so my final question, and the most vague and subjective of the bunch – should they do it? I’m not a snob. As I sit writing this on my Kindle, I have a bottle of Estrella to my left, and a plate of half-eaten cottage pie to my right. My point is that I’m just a normal fanboy. King has been a massive influence of my life in many ways, a constant nightly whisper in my ear, and a source of entertainment and inspiration since my childhood. I’ve been reading King since I was 10, possibly younger, although I was a late comer to The Dark Tower, tackling it (ironically) for the first time when I was 19. There are snobs though… movie snobs, critical snobs, and alas, even King snobs. Most of the time I know that those guys will never be pleased, so there’s little point in even considering them. It’s us Constant Readers that are the biggest concern. I’m a member of several online King and Dark Tower fan groups, and there is rarely a standard consensus on even the simplest issue concerning The Dark Tower and a possible screen outing, from casting choices to favourite book or character. Once again though, the simplest answer is that it will be impossible to please everyone all of the time. Hell, we even criticise King for certain moments in the series, so what chance will a movie have? Therefore, the best option is to respectfully ignore such opinions and just go make it. Most of us want to see it, many of us will be disappointed no matter how great it is, but there’s that chance, that hope that it could be something brilliant.

As for me, anyone who knows me knows I often speak in highly hyperbolic ways – I feel The Dark Tower is the single greatest piece of art of the 20th Century. The books have been written over the span of decades, and they relate to almost all of the output of the most prolific and important writer of the last hundred years or so. I want to see this series being made, and of course I want to see it be good, and successful. To finish up I’m going to unleash my inner fanboy and explain what I would love to see for the series. I’m not going to mention casting choices, though I do think underused actors such as Ben Foster, Josh Zuckerman, Michael Shannon, and Michael Pitt should be considered. What I would love the most is if the series branched out to encompass the major tie in novels and short stories. Similar to what Marvel has been doing with The Avengers, SHIELD, Thor, Captain America etc etc – they have created a massive living breathing world with familiar cast members crossing over from one film to the next. Every year there is at least one blockbuster related to the overall series, and although each acts as a standalone, there are clear ties to other films and characters which both serve the world, serve the plot, and act as fan service as the nerds recognise some otherwise throwaway comment which relates to some event in a previous or upcoming moment. This is what I would love to see with King’s work – films with ties to The Dark Tower being made as standalones, but like the books, having enough connections to The Dark Tower itself. Actors passing over, character names and imagery dropped, things as minor as a painting of Roland and the Tower in The Mist, up to the true tie ins such as Salem’s Lot, Hearts In Atlantis, Insomnia etc. One of the most important lines in the series is ‘There are other worlds than these’, and what better way to hype up the importance of the quest for The Tower, by having all of these other films and characters directly reference it?

Below I’ll list the books I’d love to see being linked to The Dark Tower series as per the books, but note that I’m aware many of the below are already in the works and the rights to each will cause obvious conflicts. I haven’t read everything yet by King, so there may be some tie-ins I’ve missed. Let me know in the comments what your hopes and fears for the series are, and what you would love to see on screen. Do you have any preferred actors for Roland and his Ka-Tet? Which directors are worthy of the series and could give a movie their own unique vision?

Salem’s Lot: This has seen a couple of mini-series (and a sequel) already, but the world loves vampires, right? The obvious tie-in is Father Callahan, a figure only briefly seen in Tobe Hooper’s adaptation, but given more weight in the Rob Lowe version. A mini series on Salem’s Lot would be cool, given that it deals with the total destruction of the town, and we could also see the wraparound short story prequel and sequel (Jerusalem’s Lot and One For The Road) filmed for added depth. Could we tie in Little Sister Of Eluria here too?

The Stand: The original mini-series is one of my favourite shows/movies ever, even with Molly Ringwold. Although a movie is already in the works, given that it deals with Mr Flagg himself, it’s a chance to have a major actor crossover and explanation of the many beams and levels leading to The Tower. An excellent story on its own, we would get to learn more about Flagg, including the fact that he just won’t go away.

The Talisman/Black House/Sequel: Although King and Straub have dropped hints of a third Jack novel, it hasn’t been written yet. Fans have been crying out for an adaptation for years now, and the first two books alone would make for a stellar movie or TV series. Once again, there are many connections which would answer questions posed in The Dark Tower, but each book stands alone brilliantly.

It: Again, an existing mini-series that I hold dear to my heart, and one which is getting the remake treatment. We could use this opportunity to go into a little more detail about Beams, Guardians, and the fear/emotion sucking demons which inhabit the many worlds.

 The Eyes Of The Dragon: Well, why not. It’s been a while since we’ve had a decent child/teen oriented fantasy story which is equally suitable for adults. I’d love to see this being handled in the same way as many of the 80s classics by masters such as Richard Donner, Stephen Spielberg, and Joe Dante. It’s Flagg again, and we may meet a few familiar faces along the way.

Insomnia: A terrific book, but one that doesn’t exactly have the dollar sign written all over it. Then again, if it was handled in the style of Cocoon, but with King’s darkness thrown in, it could be a sleeper hit. There’s a whole world of older actors out there, many of which would relish some of the roles encountered in these pages. There is of course the large tie-in of Patrick Danville and The Crimson King himself which would shock and impress those who haven’t read the books.

Desperation/The Regulators: Desperation has seen the screen treatment already, and The Regulators is ripe for social commentary given a lot of the suburban fear and paranoia swirling around the world at the moment. These have the potential for good movies on their own merits, and from a connection perspective we can have the villains using certain words/langauge from Roland’s world, although this would be more difficult to recognise on screen than on paper.

Hearts In Atlantis: The screen adaptation was fine, but left much of the violence and Tower related stuff out. Once again we have a fairly major character crossover, and there’s the potential of confusing matters by having the same actor who plays Jake starring as Bobby from Hearts.

Everything’s Eventual: Aside from Eluria, which should be covered in the main series somewhere, we could have the title story too due to another character crossover. Due to the short length, Dinky’s story could be incorporated into another film as a sub plot.

Cell: Although light in direct connections, there could easily be inserted references and hints that the evil force involved could be siding with The Crimson King.

Under The Dome: Not many connections again, but as this show is already up and running, and going in its own direction from the novel, they could easily drop some Tower references.

Apologies for the lengthy post – hopefully Tower Junkies will find something useful or even entertaining here. Just before I leave, as I was writing the connections, it struck me that a standalone TV series could be created -not as a specific series for one of the DT books, but a unique series based on the tie-in novels, and possibly featuring the main DT players. This could be a Hammer’s House Of Horrors style show with a self-contained episode each time which links to DT or one of the stories above, or have a more serialized approach like SHIELD with both currently existing King stories and characters as above making appearances, but also newly written unique stories – an ongoing struggle against Low Men, vampires, demons, the Crimson King and featuring the recruiting of important Breakers, warriors, and some of the many many lesser characters of the DT books and their connected stories. A man can dream…

April 11, 2015 at 6:03 pm 6 comments

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