Ranking The Bond Girls – The Minors

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Come in, sit down boy, have a cigar, you’re gonna go far… if you read this – do we have a treat for you today yes siree. It’s time to kick back, draw the blinds, and enjoy yourself in a clean and safe manner by reading this list of wicked temptresses and lusty beauties. Our esteemed colleague Mr Bond, Double Oh Matron, has done the Hard work, done all the sweating and heavy lifting if you will, to bring us this list of conquests – women who are merely a footnote in his exhaustive travels, women who can barely even be called real people and in many cases even go unnamed (but not unharmed or unloved). Translation: read my list of the most minor Bond girls – those who may have only appeared in a single scene or had little impact on the plot; it’s really good!

24: Kimberley Jones – A View To A Kill

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80s Computers

Here we go, the lowest ranked Bond Girl based upon my warped preferences. She exemplifies everything that is both wonderful and terrible in the Bond Universe in that she is only there to be fucked. In a very 80’s movie, she is a very 80’s girl with big hair, big smile, and big… personality. She was played by Mary Stavin who also appeared briefly in Octopussy a Swedish former Miss World winner who went on to appear in such classics as Caddyshack II and Alien Terminator. And hey, look! She recorded a ‘song’ with everyone’s favourite Irishman George Best.

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She’s now a Nolan sister, apparently

 

23: Gemma – Quantum Of Solace

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I don’t know who I am either

I’m not even sure what all this lass did in the movie, aside from helping Mathis to help Bond. Yeah, she’s not really a Bond Girl then and shouldn’t really be here but I’ve typed it all now so tough. Anyway, she’s played by Lucrezia Lante della Rovere who is starred in a bunch of Italian movies and TV series.

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My hair is modeled after my earrings

 

22: Marie – Diamonds Are Forever

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Bikinis

Poor Marie goes one better than attempting to flirt with and shag Bond, but gets choked instead – with her own bikini for good measure. And guess what? Denise Perrier, who played the part, was also a former Miss World. My detective skills sense there may be a theme at play….

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G..G…Granny?

 

21: Bond’s Lover/Unnamed Girl – Skyfall

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Sleepy time

As if being fucked and being strangled weren’t enough, this Jane Doe doesn’t even get a name, instead being christened as either Bond’s Lover or the ominous Unnamed Girl. She enjoys a quick romp with Bond and although it is implied that she has had some sort of more meaningful relationship with Bond during his hiatus from MI6 she only appears in one scene and is never heard from again. She was played by Tonia Sotiropoulou who is a model but not a Miss World Winner, and also appeared in the rather good Berberian Sound Studio. 

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Wake up!

 

20: Linda – The Living Daylights

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Bikinis #2

Such is the way of the Bond Universe that most wealthy women lounge about and dream that one day a real man will drop out of the heavens and satisfy their every sordid whim. Bond’s erection hears this call and her drops onto her yacht before dropping his pants. Played by Belle Avery who has appeared in mostly rubbish before becoming a Producer.

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Call me

 

19: Inga Bergstorm – Tomorrow Never Dies

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DON’T call me

Another who is only on screen for a bit of titillation and a good old ‘Cunning Linguist’ gag, she doesn’t do anything but is pretty hot so woo hoo. She was played by Cecilie Thomsen, a model and actress who used to be Bryan Adams’ girlfriend. Great.

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Wrap it up

 

18: Bonita – Goldfinger

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Bikinis #3

Played by Nadja Regin (who had a sort of bigger part in From Russia With Love), Bonita is a minor femme fatale who Belly Dances her way into Bond’s life before being thrown away after Bond spots the double cross. Regin has had a long and strong career as an actress, writer, and publisher.

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One of these could be her. Or maybe it’s a completely random image of two completely random people

17: Zora – From Russia With Love

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You wanna piece of me?

 

You’d assume that as a species we’ve graduated from outdoor cat-fights concerning matters of the heart or loins, but switch on any of those horrible reality shows or daytime chat shows and you’ll realise your mistake. Silly humans, thinking they have evolved. And silly writers, thinking audiences in the 60s would believe two -just-Eastern-enough woman would be rolling around in the dirt and pulling hair just for the opportunity to hope on a shlong. Hmm, maybe those writers knew something we didn’t. Anyway, early Bond movies didn’t think much of women, but look at them tearing off each others clothes – ain’t it hot!? Zora here, was played by Martine Beswick (an English Model and Actress) who would also appear in Thunderball and continue to bit and scratch other women in future movies.

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No

16: Vida – From Russia With Love

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You wanna piece of ME

Vida. She’s the other one. Played by Aliza Gur, a former Miss Israel, who would appear in various minor movies and hit TV shows before seemingly retiring in the early Seventies.

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No

15: Apollo Jet Hostess – Moonraker

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I must break you

We’re only a few (re) entries in, but we’ve already seen quite a bit of sexism and violence towards women. I quite like this nameless character – she has the looks, of course, but there is an air of danger and mystery around her. I like to think she survived the aircraft crash which she instigates, but we will never know. Played by Leila Shenna who appeared in a few French and Algerian movies through the 70s before giving it all up in the early 80s.

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We will never know

14: Chew Mee – The Man With The Golden Gun

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Come in

With a name like that, what’s not to love? We all know it’s hilarious to mock other countries, and even more fun to take their silly languages and fashion pervy names from them; Pee Niss, Jie-An-Tkok, Mam Aree, Phuree Kun’t, and so on. She is an entirely pointless character aside from the cheap name joke – she indulges in some soft pool side flirting, then vanishes from the movie – but we all had a laugh. And we all had a look. Francoise Therry is the actress’ real name and I have no idea where she went.

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Where did I go?

13: Estrella – Spectre

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Don’t leave me!

Appearing only in the superb opening scene to Spectre, she again is only there to remind us that Bond likes having sex with hot women, as if anyone hadn’t cottoned on to this fact yet. For such a minor role Stephanie Sigman is beautiful enough and manages to act in some sort of captivating enough manner for us to remember her – she has already appeared in movies like Miss Bala, and shows like Narcos, so there is every chance for her to go on to a great career. She’s also a beer.

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Blue is a warm colour

 

12: Thumper – Diamonds Are Forever

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Wabbit

Diamonds Are Forever is basically Connery doing Moore – a lot of camp, bizarre humour and wacky characters. Thumper, played by Trina Parks, is partner to Bambi (naturally) and together they act as the elite guards of Mr Whyte. You can’t help but think a couple of pitbulls may have been the better choice, or some dude with a gun, but hilariously they almost defeat Bond with their acrobatic style. Bond eventually gets the better of them and pushes their heads down towards his special area. Parks was the first African American Bond girl I believe, and she was a famous dancer and choreographer who appeared in various other movies and shows including The Blues Brothers.

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Wayhay

11: Bambi – Diamonds Are Forever

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It is unclear who is enjoying it more

Ranked higher than Thumper because she’s hotter and has the better chance to dispatch Bond while Thumper flaps around doing needless somersaults. Played by Lola Larson in what seems to have been her only role – I think she was a former athlete but I can’t be arsed researching further (at all).

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Could be anyone

10: Peaceful Fountains Of Desire – Die Another Day

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Smooth

As the decades passed, we moved on from the likes of Chew Mee and now have named our Asian characters with curious epithets or snazzy translations. Peaceful Fountains Of Desire could almost have been Violent Squirts Of Coitus, but this was unfortunately not considered. Then again, this was Die Another Day so the results could have been much much worse (Painful Anal Expulsion? Nah, too metal). She only appears in one scene – a Chinese Intelligence Officer pretending to be a masseuse, and although it’s all very hot and weird she’s still memorable. Not as much as Brosnan’s beard though. Played by Rachel Grant, who is related to the current British Royal family, she has gone on to appear most famously in Braniac: Science Abuse and a variety of other shows and movies.

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9: Felicca – The Spy Who Loved Me

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Well well…

 

Essentially the same character as Fiona Volpe and whose death is almost identical, Felicca is sent by the bad guys to arouse Bond’s shlong but not his suspicions just long enough for the henchman Sandor to stick a bullet in Bond’s skull. For reasons unknown, but presumably shlong related, Felicca has a change of heart and warns Bond of the danger – she instead catches the bullet and dies. An interesting twist then, no doubt encouraged by Roger Moore whose Bond wasn’t as cold-hearted as Connery’s. Played by Italian actress Olga Bisera, who also founded her own Production Company and appeared in Castle Keep and various Italian movies before retiring in the early 80s.

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Well?

 

8: Cigar Girl/Giulietta Da Vinci – The World Is Not Enough

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Gun

 

Another film, another nameless Bond girl, though this one listed in the credits as ‘Cigar Girl’ is one of the more intriguing pieces of the World Is Not Enough puzzle. She gets a lot of screen time in the pulsating cold open and Bond doesn’t manage to get the information out of her that he needs or get her out of her pants. Cigar Girl continues the grand tradition of the cold-blooded Bond assassin, and leads a merry chase along the Thames until Bond catches up with her in dramatic fashion. It becomes clear that she is more scared of someone else than Bond, but she dies without giving any hints as to who that may be. Maria Grazia Cucinotta stars as the ill-fated lady, an actress, model, producer, and screenwriter who has appeared in many memorable roles ins shows such as The Simpsons, The Sopranos, and Il Postino. 

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Guns

 

7: Irina – Goldeneye

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Miaow

 

Irina is one of many pointless characters in the Bond universe, but by God I love Goldeneye and it wouldn’t be complete without Minnie Driver’s cat strangling. She only appears in a single scene when Bond meets Zukovsky, singing badly in the background. It’s funny. That’s about it really. Minnie Driver is of course an established star in her own right these days, and Goldeneye was one of her earliest big screen performances.

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Purrrr

 

6: Rosika Miklos – The Living Daylights

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What Lies Beneath

 

Rosika is a curious one, a capable ally to Bond, and someone it appears has worked with Bond in the past – at the very least they are aware of each other from some previous occasion. Her looming figure is akin to Brienne Of Tarth, and she helps Bond out early in the movie by throwing around Koskov without breaking sweat. Played by Julie T Wallace, an actress who has appeared sporadically on TV and film in The Fifth Element, Speed Racer, and many British sitcoms.

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Of Tarth

 

5: Ava – The Living Daylights

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‘These guys eat too much red meat’

 

Part of another daring double along with Liz, Ava is a CIA agent who helps Bond out a couple of times during the movie. It would have been nice to see them return for another mission, especially with Felix’s importance in the next Dalton movie. Ava is played by Dulice Liecier, an actress who looked like she was going to be big in the 80s before vanishing – she appeared in shows like Grange Hill and Eastenders as well as singing on Another Brick In The Wall.

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Is There Anybody Out There

 

4: Liz – The Living Daylights

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Hi

 

Part of another daring double along with Ava, Liz is a CIA agent who helps Bond out a couple of times during the movie. It would have been nice to see them return for another mission, especially with Felix’s importance in the next Dalton movie. Liz is higher on the list because she’s hotter than Ava. Liz is played by Catherine Rabett who started out as a successful dancer before starring in You Rang, M’Lord, Doctors, and Emmerdale.

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Eh up, lad

 

3: Martine Blanchaud/Log Cabin Girl – The Spy Who Loved Me

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So… cold…

 

It’s The Spy Who Loved Me again, and that means another woman trying to blind Bond with her boobs until he is killed. She appears (as The Log Cabin Girl) in the opening sequence having sexy times with Bond until he is chased away and down the alps on skis, followed by the KGB until the famous leap off the cliff. In another common theme, Sue Vanner retired from acting in the early eighties, having played in various TV shows such as Minder and Tales Of The Unexpected.

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From Sweden With Love apparently

 

2: Ling – You Only Live Twice

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You Only Appeared….

 

It at first seems like Ling is yet another foul temptress, as she shares a bed and some flirtatious fun with Bond in the opening sequence. It appears she has a hand in killing Bond but surprise surprise he gets to live twice, and Ling was in on the whole thing from the start. It’s all very elaborate and quick, but she’s hot so wayhay to us. Ling was played by Tsai Chin, something of a star in Asia thanks to her many impressive roles over the decades and success as a singer, teacher, writer, director, and stage actress, appearing in things like The Joy Luck Club, Memoirs Of A Geisha, and even 2006’s Casino Royale. 

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…twice

 

1: Madame La Porte – Thunderball

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I See You

 

Appearing only in the famous pre-credits sequence, Madame La Porte helps Bond escape in his souped up DB5 after attending the funeral of a SPECTRE agent with him. She is one of the few minor Bond girls to get involved in the action and get any sort of meaningful dialogue so she seems as good a pick as any to top this list. Played by Maryse Guy Mitsuoko, a strip tease artist and actress who appeared in a handful of spy movies in the 60s before taking her own life in the 90s.

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We’ll see you again

 

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of this trouser-rupturing series as we meet the likes of the Masterson sisters, Bibi Dahl, and Molly Warmflash!

Wolfcop

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Lets get the cliché comparisons out of the way – it’s Teen Wolf meets The Evil Dead! Or something along those lines. I wasn’t expecting too much from Wolfcop, and although it’s the sort of film I generally (or used to) enjoy for inherent cult silliness, genuinely good films in this vein have been few and far between in recent years. Thankfully Wolfcop is an enjoyable romp with plenty of laugh out loud moments and a great soundtrack. It doesn’t take itself too seriously (because of course you wouldn’t) and although it clearly has a low budget, most of the effects are good, most of the performances are passable, and I suspect most viewers will be entertained on some level.

The plot goes something like this – a small town down and out alcoholic cop whose only interest in life is when the next booze break is, suddenly becomes empowered to take out the trash when he discovers he is a werewolf. Rather than the usual tropes of trying to hide this fact from everyone, he embraces it, slaps on his badge and side-arm, and goes out to rid the town of crime, a la Robocop. While it seems like the main goal of the film is to watch him take out local drug dealers and gangsters, the film introduces a twist later when a group aware of the existence of werewolves begins to cause trouble.

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I don’t want to say too much more on the plot, not because there are any genuine game-changing spoilers, but because you should watch the fun unravel for yourself. It does take some time before the wolf antics begin, but the film and central characters are interesting enough before that point to carry things. Once the werewolf emerges, the entertainment, and gore, levels are dialed up and you’ll be giggling like a child at the silliness, the one-liners, and the visual gags. We get a funny spin on the werewolf transformation scene (with one body part change being particularly amusing), quotable dialogue, a funny side-kick, and good performances from Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio, and Jonathan Cherry (though the rest of the cast don’t come off as well). The plot is a little haphazard and cliché-ridden, but you don’t go in expecting miracles. What may be the strongest piece of the puzzle is the soundtrack by Shooting Guns – a heady mix of guitars, noise, and electronica which is prominent throughout, varied, and memorable. If you enjoy cult films, cheesy horror comedies, or simply like the title of the film then give Wolfcop a go before all your friends see it.

Let us know in the comments what you thought of Wolfcop – is it up there with An American Werewolf In London, or down there with An American Werewolf In Paris?

Inertia Creeps

Generic Ratings: 1: Crap. 2: Okay. 3: Good. 4: Great

Almost any time the band works with a DJ or dance artist for remix purposes or otherwise, the results are horrible, and this is no exception. This is the band’s remix of a marginally better Massive Attack original, and you’d only know the Manics were involved thanks to some Bradfield ‘aahs and oohs’ at various points. Listen once then forget all about it.

Inertia Creeps: 1/Crap

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Best Animated Film – 1969

My Nominations: A Boy Named Charlie Brown. Tintin And The Temple Of The Sun. The Wonderful World Of Puss n Boots

I was never a fan of Tintin – something about the hair, the way the characters moved, and the animation as a whole just made me uneasy. So Temple Of The Sun, you’re out. The Wonderful World Of Puss In Boots is one of Toei Animation’s most iconic films as Puss (or Pero) went on to become the company’s mascot. The film is a mixture of fast paced action and slapstick humour, the odd song, and bright animation – any fans of Japanese animation need to see it. My winner though is of course, A Boy Named Charlie Brown. While not as famous as his festive outing, this one still has the laconic charm and mixture of downbeat cynicism and offbeat humour as Charlie enters spelling bees to convince himself that he can be ‘a winner’.

My Winner: A Boy Named Charlie Brown

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Let us know in the comments which Animated movie of 1969 gets your vote as the best!

The Last Exorcism 2

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Nell returns in this interesting sequel to the found footage hit which doesn’t do enough to answer the questions viewers would have been asking after the credits rolled on the first movie. The film drops the found footage, leaves behind the documentary style, and instead adopts a more traditional approach as we find Nell trying to re-integrate with society by moving in to a halfway house for teenage girls. Rather than getting any explanation on what happened at the end of the last movie or what has happened to Nell or other characters in the interim, we pick up some time after with an apparently possessed Nell lurking in a random house. After recuperating in hospital, she is taken in by the kindly Frank, makes friends, gets a job, and begins to move on with a new life of freedom and individuality. It isn’t long before hooded figures begin stalking her, strange phenomenon breaks out in the house, and somebody finds clips of the found footage depicting the previous film on Youtube and all Hell breaks loose, literally.

While the film does contain the odd (tame) scare, it simply doesn’t have the heart and soul of its predecessor. While Part I was a genuine attempt to tell a powerful, disturbing story with twists and turns, Part II is clearly a cash-in with little regard for its central character or for existing fans. It’s a shame because there are a lot of things that work here, and Bell once again throws every ounce of her being into the performance – creating a horror icon deserving of being mentioned in the same breath as Carrie, Freddy, or Michael Myers. We have strong supporting work too in minor roles – Watson as Frank is a sympathetic figure and Julia Garner’s Gwen tows the line between good and evil. The idea of Nell trying to move on is commendable, the setting opens the doors for many ideas which never come to fruition, and the conclusion is pleasingly nefarious. What doesn’t work is the gaps in the story – we could have had Nell attempting to recount where she has been, or some sort of additional closure. The omniscient hooded figures and just-introduced characters who seem to know Nell and her demon don’t have enough history to make us interested, and the Order Of The Right Hand, apparently sent to help Nell are completely useless in their jobs and again appear out of nowhere with no back story to allow us to care.

Fans of the first film will likely want to catch up with Nell and see how everything turns out, but I imagine most will be disappointed. While there is a glacial tone and the gnawing sense that things will soon go wrong, and while certain characters are ambiguous enough for us to question their intentions, these things are inferior to how they are executed in Part 1. Stick around for the last 10 minutes and enjoy it for another excellent performance by Ashley Bell.

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Let us know in the comments what you thought of The Last Exorcism Part 2 and if you felt if lived up to its predecessor!