PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
OPEN ON:
EXT. SANTA ROSA. CALIFORNIA – DAY
A WOMAN drives into a DRIVEWAY in a CAR and steps out.
KATIE
Seriously?
MICAH
What?
KATIE
What? We have just bought this inexplicably gargantuan house that there’s no way we can possibly afford given that we are apparently unemployed, and now you have also purchased a Hollywood grade camera. And now you are pointing it at me.
MICAH
Yup.
KATIE
Why you do that?
MICAH
Well you know, it’s what all the kids are doing these days – filming pranks, shooting themselves eating tide pods, unwrapping toys, and uploading the clips to Instagram
KATIE
Insta-wha?
MICAH
Emm, oh right. What year is this again? 2007?
KATIE
It’s 2006, you dick.
MICAH
Really? Right. What about Youtube – is that a thing?
KATIE
Yes. Micah, you are behaving quite oddly today, and only marginally less annoying than you will be later.
MICAH
HA HA HA! Yes, it’s wonderful being young, white, and Middle Class in these United States! Nothing will ever go wrong!
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
KATIE is brushing her teeth. MICAH is grunting.
MICAH:
HEURRRRGH! RARRRRR! PLOP!
KATIE
Seriously? Do you really need to drop one off while I’m in here? It’s disgusting.
MICAH
HRRRRNNNGGAAA!
KATIE
And why on Earth are you filming this!?
MICAH
Gotta get dem likes and subcribes, boiii!
KATIE
Well, don’t get any ideas about bringing that thing into the bedroom tonight. I need my beauty sleep because my sister KRISTI and her husband DANIEL are coming, but not his daughter – our niece – ALI, or their son, HUNTER.
MICAH
HRRRYUUUNNNTERRRR! PLOP!
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
KATIE
Ahhh, I can’t wait to get into bed tonight, for a long and restful night without any funny or spooky busin- hey, what is that thing doing in here?
MICAH
Ugh. Why are you always com-plain-ing about EV-REE-THING? Look, it’s important that we document every pointless second of our worthless lives for future generations. You never know who might need it! Now stop your yapping and take off your bra.
KATIE
I will not!
MICAH begins stamping his foot in front of the CAMERA and mewling like a SPANKED INFANT.
MICAH
WHAAAAAAAA! WHAAAAAAAA!
KATIE
Stop that right now, you’re making the floor creak!
MICAH
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
MICAH stamps his FEET around the room until A DRESSING GOWN falls off the BEDROOM DOOR.
MICAH
What the!? Did you see that? The dressing gown just flew onto the ground as if possessed by an evil spirit! I think this house might be haunted! YIPPEE!
KATIE
Seriously?
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
KATIE and MICAH are in BED. They are sleeping. THE DRESSING GOWN lies on the floor where it fell earlier.
MICAH (mumbling in sleep)
Mmmy life is brrilllya. Mmylifeis mmmm. You’re beautifu-ul, it’s true!
Suddenly, the DRESSING GOWN stands up all on its own as if possessed by an evil spirit. It starts to MOONWALK in front of the CAMERA before sliding out of the door and out of sight.
DRESSING GOWN
WEEEEEEEE!
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
MICAH
Wowzers – look at this footage!
KATIE
What is it? Did you record any further ghostly sightings?
MICAH
No, somehow I missed those, but check out how cool the toilet looks when it flushes in HD!
KATIE
Ew, gross.
The DOORBELL RINGS.
KATIE
That’s probably my sister, KRISTI and her husband DANIEL.
MICAH
Cool! I can’t wait to show DANIEL my sweet setup.
KATIE
Hello KRISTI!
KRISTI
Hello KATIE!
KATIE
Where is your husband, DANIEL?
KRISTI
He couldn’t make it, he is busy setting up cameras around our house.
KATIE and MICAH together
Cameras? Really? Why?
KRISTI
Yeah, also he hasn’t been cast yet, and come to think of it, neither have I, but we can retcon those details in later.
MICAH
Let me give you some privacy so you can talk about WOMAN STUFF. I’ll just leave my camera here.
MICAH leaves and KATIE and KRISTIE sit down
KRISTI
So why do you have a camera now? I hope you haven’t encountered any spooky goings-on? Going-ons? Whatever.
KATIE
Well, now that you mention it, I did think I heard some chilling noises last night, and ever since we’ve moved here I think I keep seeing a shadow standing at the bottom of my bed. And one time I thought I saw a Mexican running through my kitchen, but that seems unlikely.
KRISTI
Oh ho ho, I’m sure it’s probably nothing. La la la, lets talk about something else.
KATIE
Wait a second, I’m remembering more things – things I had forgotten about. Things from our childhood.
KRISTI
Yeah, our childhood was great. Nothing weird ever happened. Apart from that time our parents were gruesomely and mysteriously murdered and our Grandmother had to take care of us.
KATIE
WHAT!? I had forgotten that – I thought they died in a totally accidental housefire! But who cares, what’s important is that I remember I had a friend called Toby. You all thought he was imaginary, but he was really real! Wouldn’t it be cool if he came back?
KRISTI
No?
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
MICAH and KATIE are sleeping again, the lazy BASTARDS. Suddenly, the DOOR creaks open. It’s really quiet, but out of nowhere A LOUD NOISE MAKES A LOUD NOISE!
MICAH
Jesus, do that in the bathroom will you?
KATIE
I’m like literally terrified. I think this house really is cursed! I want to move out!
MICAH slaps her face. Twice.
MICAH
Silence woman, you are being hysterical. The only thing cursed in this house is your infernal mouth.
KATIE
I’m so sorry, sweetie, I’ll be good.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
KATIE is literally on the TELEPHONE. Not literally.
KATIE
Come on, come on, pick up. Oh! Yes, hello! Is this the Priest’s hotline? Oh, thank goodness. Tell you what it is, I recently moved into a new house and I think it might be haunted – possibly by my imaginary childhood friend, TOBY. Uh huh. Uh huh. Mmm. That’s right. Uh huh. Mmm. A crucifix, yes. Uh huh. Got it. Mmm. Uh huh. Oh – you’ll send someone over right away? That’s fantastic! I’ll be here!
EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY
A PRIEST arrives on a BICYCLE. You know he is a PRIEST because he is carrying a BIBLE, a set of BEADS, a LARGE FLASK with ‘HOLY WATER’ written on the side, and one of those things around his NECK.
PRIEST
Hello, you must be KATIE, and I must be a PRIEST.
KATIE
You are correct on both counts. Do come in.
PRIEST
Ah, before we enter, I would like to say a quick prayer in LATIN, if you don’t mind.
KATIE
Go ahead, that’s what I’m paying you for.
PRIEST
Semper ubi, sub ubi. AMEN.
KATIE
I don’t think that means what you think it means, but whatever.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The PRIEST is looking up at the ceiling, as if he can see something only he can see. He SHIVERS.
PRIEST
This place is…. evil. This room…. this house…. that lamp…. evil.
KATIE
Oh woe! Is there nothing you can do!? Why will no one help us poor, defenceless millenials!?
PRIEST
This rug…. that wall… evil.
Suddenly, ANOTHER REALLY LOUD BANG GOES BANG, and the EVIL LAMP wooshes across the room and smashes behind the PRIEST.
PRIEST
What the fuck! That lamp almost got me! I’m getting out of here!
KATIE
But what should I do?
PRIEST
Contact your Rabbi!
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
KATIE is in the shower. The CAMERA is watching every CREVICE. Uh oh! The DRESSING GOWN is moving again!
DRESSING GOWN
Now’s my chance. BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW!
The DRESSING GOWN steps into the SHOWER with KATIE.
KATIE
What the – OH NO! HELP!
For a moment it looks like they are struggling, but eventually the DRESSING GOWN wraps around KATIE and begins to squeeze her.
KATIE
OWW! OWWW! OOOOH! Ooooh, I like that. Mmmm, come here baby.
They kiss and the CAMERA SOMEHOW FADES TO BLACK.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
KATIE is already in BED.
MICAH (OS):
Honey, I’m home! Where are you?
We hear FOOTSTEPS approaching and assume it is MICAH ascending the stairs. We are correct.
MICAH
Oh, there you are. Sorry I’m late, it’s just, you know what the guys are like when they’ve had a few. I missed you so much.
MICAH stops talking into the CAMERA and turns to see KATIE sitting up in bed and STARING at NOTHING.
MICAH
Oh, hi, I ah, didn’t see you there. Are you keeping well?
KATIE says nothing. In fact, she doesn’t say anything at all.
MICAH
Ohhh-kayyy.
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
KATIE and MICAH are sleeping. SOMETHING bumps the CAMERA and KATIE stirs.
KATIE
Ugh, what a weird dream. I dreamed that I was… never mind. Back to sleep we go.
KATIE lies down again, but is suddenly grabbed by an unseen force and dragged out of the BEDROOM feet first.
KATIE
MICAH! Help meeeeeee!
MICAH
In a minute.
KATIE (OS)
No, please don’t kill me, I’ll do anything! TOBY? MICAH!
MICAH finally wakes up, STARTLED.
MICAH
Katie? KATIE!
MICAH runs out of the room. OS we hear various screams and grunts and demonic CACKLES. There is one final yelp, and then a loud SNAP. Then silence. Eventually FOOTSTEPS come up the stairs and we assume it is KATIE or MICAH or DANIEL. We are only half right! KATIE crawls disconcertingly into the room and her face is all weird and messed up in a spooky way. She suddenly lunges at the CAMERA.
CUT TO: BLACK
A TITLE CARD READS:
Five days later, after being alerted by a neighbor concerned by a foul smell, a local Constable found the body of Micah with his head twisted all the way around. This footage was taken as evidence. Katie’s whereabouts are unknown.
POST CREDITS SCENE – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
The Dressing Gown is doing THE THRILLER DANCE in front of the CAMERA.
MICAH (OS):
Keep it down up there, some of us are trying to rest in peace!
It is unclear if this section took place before or after MICAH’S death, but is ironic either way.
THE END
The Spac Hole 