Chart Music Through The Years – 1983

Greetings, Glancers! It’s 1983, the year I officially dropped onto the planet, forever changing Humankind’s progression through the nether-galaxy. It was a time when the 80s (as we know them today) were really getting into full swing. Both the Internet and the first Mobile Phone officially appeared (weird, I know, and not at all a coincidence of me deciding to land), President Reagan was shaping US Politics and his Dictator-In-Chief Nancy was waving a magic morality wand across the nation to hilarious non-effect. MASH came to an end, informally ending the 70s, Michael Jackson introduced us to the moonwalk, Margaret Thatcher maintained her chokehold on Britain, Return Of The Jedi premiered, the NES went on sale in Japan, KISS washed their faces, a bunch of terrorists escaped from prison in Northern Ireland, and the Delorean ceased production.

In terms of Music, Michael Jackson premiered the video for Thriller and the album of the same name dominated the charts, Karen Carpenter and Dennis Wilson died, Kirk Hammett replaced Dave Mustaine in Metallica, the Eurythmics told us about Sweet Dreams, Duran Duran and Spandau Ballet pranced about, Madonna and Cyndi Lauper released their debuts, metal bands across the globe were either starting out or hitting their peaks, and Yentl and Flashdance were stinking up the big screen.

But what on Earth was in the UK Top Ten in October of 1983? Well I’m glad you didn’t ask, because we’re about to find out!

1. Culture Club: Karma Chameleon

We all know this one, right? It’s one of the most famous and pervading pop hits of the 1980s, successful enough to land Boy George a spot on The A Team for some reason. It’s pure 80s pop nonsense, and all the better for it.

2. Tracey Ullman: They Don’t Know

I think I remember Tracey Ullman being a singer, but I have no idea what this is. Hmm, it sounds Christmasy. Then it turns into some 80s version of a 50s style song, with sweet and innocent words and voices and melodies. The video is a bit of nonsense, with some expected comedy from Ullman, and I don’t see why this ever would have reached so high on any chart. Oh wait, I do, because people are idiots. It’s a very simple, straightforward pop song, nothing to it. Then Paul McCartney shows up. No idea.

3. Siouxsie And The Banshees: Dear Prudence

Uhh, speaking of McCartney, here’s Siouxsie and Co doing their thang on a Beatles song. It’s a straight enough cover of a song I’m not a huge fan of, with a little more punk, a little more 80s, and Siouxsie’s pronounced vocals instead. The original is a little bland and repetitive and this doesn’t do anything to change that.

4. David Bowie: Modern Love

Have I heard this already in my Bowie album listen through? Probably, but from the name I can’t remember. Hitting play…. ah yes, I do remember this one. I remember liking it. It still sounds like that other Noughties song I can’t name. This is good.

5. Howard Jones: New Song

I don’t know who this is or what this is, lets check it out. Already with the disaster 80s sounds. And your typical male 80s vocals. Everything that was wrong about the 80s right here. At least there’s an audible melody, so it has that in its favour over and above today’s efforts. It’s light and innocent and has a sense of fun – it’s not about sex in other words, so again it has that in its favour versus today’s stuff. Actually a nice keyboard solo in the middle.

6. PIL: This Is Not A Love Song

I must admit I was never the biggest fan of PIL. I should clarify; I never had that much interest in PIL. Yes yes, Johnny Rotten and all that, but any time a friend stuck on one of their albums I became bored quickly. I admit I was expecting The Sex Pistols V2.0, and instead I caught a bug-riddled, floppy disk version of Talking Heads. I imagine their sound was interesting back in the day, but judging in decades later it sounds horribly dated. Rotten was never the greatest vocalist in the world, but he sounds suitably demented, if somewhat robotic here. It’s not a love song, and beyond a catchy three note riff and some bouncy bass, it has zero melodic quality. Decent cynical punk lyrics of course, but it very quickly wears out its welcome with repetitive rhythms, no building, layering, tension, and a devout avoidance of melody. I get the point, but I’m past the point of caring.

7. George Benson: In Your Eyes

Isn’t this the same guy as number 5? I don’t think I recognise the name, but maybe I’ll recognise the song. Parts of the chorus sound vaguely familiar, as if I heard this in a movie I saw in the 80s. I’d love to make a joke about being a budget rate Lionel Ritchie, but his voice is too smooth. The song is another meh 80s love song – probably a nice one for a certain type of lady of a certain point in time, but even if you were to gloss this up or muddy it down or re-arrange however you liked, the core of the song would still be uneventful and shrugsome.

8. UB40: Red Red Wine

I’m going to go ahead and skip right over this one and not bother linking it. Because I am petty. But also because I can’t stand UB40 and I have a completely rational hatred for them. Also, this song is utter shite.

9. New Order: Blue Monday

The biggie. I get how seminal it is, how culturally significant, how influential, and how it was born out of Joy Division. But I’ve never liked it, and most of the music inspired by it either pissed me off or bored me. It’s not my thing, but I appreciate the fact that it exists and how nifty the beats are.

10. David Essex: Tahiti

Off the top of my head, I don’t know what this is, but given the amount of Essex that was floating around my domain in the 80s, I assume I’ll know it when I hit play. No, I don’t remember ever hearing this, but what a weird song. It has male vocals, then a woman joins in later, and the bulk of the song has this swaying, twee shuffle sound. It has a terrible spoken piece, but it has nice harmonies and ‘island chanting’, yet it begins like a quasi-hymnal mixed with Christmas Cliff Richard song. Why it’s over five minutes long is anyone’s guess – you could still have the weird intro, the crux of the song, and the spoken part and still be three minutes. Bizarre.

Chart Music Through The Years – 1995!

Greetings Glancers. So, 1995. In many ways it doesn’t sound or seem too far away when I say it out loud. I remember it like yesterday. Though when I take a closer look at those memories I remember that I was in fact a twelve year old kid trying to navigate a post Nirvana world. It’s over twenty five years ago, and that is truly depressing. With my rose tinted thingies on, I bet the world was a much better place then: The Great Hanshin Earthquake killed over 6000 people, the Sarin Gas Attacks occurred in Tokyo, Russian soldiers massacred civilians in Chechnya, some knob killed a bunch of people in the Oklahoma City bombing, 8000 Bosnians were killed in the Srebrenica Massacre, OJ Simpson got away with it, and… yeah things were pretty bad then too.

On the upside, the Internet was kicking into gear, Windows 95 became a thing, Toy Story came out, the first E3 was held, Chrono Trigger was released, the first Worms game dropped, Die Hard With A Vengeance was the biggest film of the year, while Braveheart won some Oscars. All good things I think you’ll agree. In the world of Music, Mr Richey Edwards left his Cavalier near the Severn Bridge and was never seen again, Radiohead released The Bends, Michael Jackson gave us his last great album with History, Robbie Williams quit Take That, and Britpop began to peak with the appearance of What’s The Story Morning Glory and The Great Escape. I’m hoping therefore that the charts actually contained one or two songs worth listening to. Then again, the Great British Public have always been idiots.

1: Coolio: Gangsta’s Paradise: Having looked down this list, I know all of them and most of them still seem to me to be ‘modern’. I know they’re not, but I guess it’s part of having lived through them. I mean, twenty four years before 1995 was 1971, and to me in 1995 anything from 1971 seemed ancient. Gangta’s Paradise is a song everyone still knows today – it was huge, and you  hear it nowadays, mostly in movies used to some sort of ironic effect. You know it – ‘As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death’ etc. It’s one of the best one-off rap hits of the decade. Check out Dangerous Minds too, the movie it was written for – that’s one of my favourites of the year too.

2: Meat Loaf: I’d Lie For You: The 90s return of Meat Loaf must rank among one of the strangest occurrences in music. As much as I like some of his stuff, him making it big (smash hit big) in the first instance is unusual, then to disappear for a decade, and then to return with another smash hit – weird. This isn’t as grandiose or successful as I Would Do Anything For Love but you’d probably remember it too.

3: Simply Red: Fairground: One of the songs I despised most during the 90s. I never thought Simply Red was anything more than something you would wipe off your shoe before setting fire to the wipe and the shoe, leaving the town where you made the flaming sacrifice, and then nuking the town. This is the worst thing they ever did and it was played constantly in 95 and 96. Thankfully, it’s gone now.

4: Def Leppard: When Love And Hate Collide: A rare case of one of the 80s pseudo-metal/rock bands having one last shot in the decade when the torch of truth was shone upon their irrelevance. You know what? I always liked this song. It doesn’t sound like Def Leppard. I know it’s a pissy little ballad that I should be making fun of, but you should know by now that I’ve always enjoyed power ballads, pissy or otherwise. It was the last thing of worth they ever did.

5: Roy Chubby Brown: Who The Fuck Is Alice: Smokie made this song in the mid-Seventies. British Stand Up Comedian and The League Of Gentlemen inspiration Roy Chubby Brown collaborated with them this year to release a more risque version, and the rest is history. You can’t hear the song now without singing ‘Alice? Alice! Who the fuck is Alice’. It’s like, the law.

6: Eternal: Power Of A Woman: Hearing this now, it sounds like a relic from the 80s. It just barely upgrades the dated 80s sound to the dated 90s sound. It’s not good, not on par with Eternal’s better known stuff. Not saying much as they were always an average group. There’s something wholesome and innocent about it compare with today’s attempts at pop stars defining their sexuality.

7: Shaggy: Boombastic: Ugh, this piece of shit. If Meat Loaf being successful, twice, was strange, Shaggy being anything more than a drunk beggar is a miracle. No, miracle is a positive word – what’s the negative version? Curse? That doesn’t seem right. Either way, nothing Shaggy has ever recorded has been less than repellent to me, like being chased down the road by someone with a sack full of aborted cows. Seriously, think of all the truly amazing artists out there who never got a chance. This wank is what we get instead. Go gargle some cyanide.

8: Everything But The Girl: Missing: I’ve had an up and down relationship with this one. On one hand, its watered down dance music with weak sounding production, released at a time when I stoutly refused to listen to anything dance related. On the other hand, in terms of mid-90s dance it’s one of the best. It doesn’t go all in on some throbbing bass beat, and while it still hits every single cliche in the dance rule book, it doesn’t make those as obvious as most. I think what I disliked most was the singer’s vapid, bovine stare.

9: Michael Jackson: You Are Not Alone: Likewise, I’ve been up and down on this. Sometimes the fragility of the vocals and melody seems honest and powerful, while at others I watch the video and am at once embarrassed and thinking ‘MJ WTF’. In terms of the many lyrics he’s written about the intrusion of media in his life and the difficulty of fame, it’s one of his most simple, clean, and understandable. Then, it’s not really about that – it’s just a simple love song about not being alone even though you may be far from the ones you love. The backing drum stuff is too weak. In the end though, no-one else sounds like MJ and you just don’t get this sort of dedication to melody in pop music anymore, which is the number one thing pop music should be about. That final ‘heart’ note tho.

10: Josh Wink: Higher State Of Consciousness: This is the only one of the list where I was wondering ‘is this that one with the thing, or am I thinking about something else’. It’s actually not the one I was thinking of – it’s worse. But I do remember this, vaguely. As with most dance tracks of the day, there are about 14 million versions of this – I’ve no idea which one is the original, but it makes no odds as each is as abhorrent and useless as the one before. It’s the sort of thing which takes zero talent to create and represents that peak turning point in the music business when anyone with access to knife, spoon, and microphone could create a hit record. All you have to to is whack the knife and spoon together a few times, edit it all together, feed it to pill heads and silly young white kids, and you can live off the proceeds for the next decade before you get a job as an Uber.

In summary, the above features a couple of passable ones, a couple of better ones, and the usual eclectic mix of abominations and mistakes. How about I have a go and let the universe see that our species was in fact capable of making worthwhile music in 1995? The below songs are a much better example of the sort of talent we should be celebrating and a stronger representation of the year:

1. Deep Blue Something: Breakfast At Tiffany’s
2. Buddy Holly: Weezer
3. Cotton Eyed Joe: Rednex
4. Country House: Blur
5. You Oughta Know: Alanis Morissette
6. It’s Oh So Quiet: Bjork
7. I’ll Be There For You: The Rembrandts
8. You’ll See: Madonna
9. High And Dry: Radiohead
10. Roll To Me: Del Amitri

See, I didn’t go with the sort of picks I usually do! There was a lot of great stuff this year, so much that I didn’t need to include Alice In Chains, Michael Jackson, Manics, Oasis, Opeth, Foo Fighters, RHCP or any of the other big acts who released classics this year. Let us know in the comments what songs of 1995 made and continue to make your ears whir!

Chart Music Through The Years – 1987

Greetings, Glancers! On the surface 1987 is one of those years I always get excited about – some of my all time favourite movies were released in Predator, Robocop, The Lost Boys, Near Dark etc and at least two of my all time favourite albums came out – Bad, and Appetite For Destruction. Elsewhere, Bon Jovi and U2 released smash hit singles and albums, MTV was launched in Europe, Kyle Minogue left Neighbours and started a singing career, and hair metal was peaking in excess.

What of the wider world? Terry Waite was kidnapped, Budd Dwyer killed himself on TV, Iran-Contra further embarrassed Reagan, Platoon won Best Picture at The Oscars, plans for Euro Disney were put in place, The Simpsons first appeared in an early form, Lester Piggott went to prison, and the IRA bombed Enniskillen.

Back in the musical world, the biggest singles of the year included a variety of novelty songs – La Bamba, Never Gonna Give You Up, rock anthems – Livin’ On A Prayer, Where The Streets Have No Name, and pop classics – The Lady In Red, I Wanna Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me. As always, I’ll be giving my thoughts on one of the Top Tens of the year and providing an alternative list for anyone interested in 1987. Company… March!

The Bee Gees: You Win Again 

So, a little about me before a little about the song. When I was younger we used to have these family employee Christmas parties where we would go to Pantomimes. One year it was bombed, so we didn’t go back to the panto. Other times we would go to the Cinema, or to indoor play places, or just have some hall hired for the day/night. At one of these events there was a disco and a quiz, and I seemed to be one of the older kids there (by older we’re talking me being 8 or 9). I remember answering as many questions as I could to the point that the DJ was getting annoyed and wanted to give someone else a chance. Anyway, I won a Bee Gees Live Concert on VHS. I probably knew the band before then, but that was my main introduction to them.

They are another ones of those bands that I’ve liked a lot of their songs, haven’t liked others, but never had any desire to seek them out. Spoiler Alert – I hope to cover them in a new Nightman Listens To series. All that is to say – I like this song.

George Michael: Faith

I never really liked this song. I never really liked George Michael. I like Last Christmas, and I like Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, but almost everything else I’ve heard from him has been balls. This is a middling one for me – I don’t hate the song, and there are parts I like enough to know that I’ll sing it every so often. But it’s an average song, nothing more.

Bananarama: Love In The First Degree

As 80s pop bands go, Bananarama are one of the bands that I somehow avoided. Leader Of The Pack, Help, I know those, but that’s about it. I’m sure I’d remember more if I heard them. This is immediately 80s – big ridiculous synth and drums. I recognise parts of this. Hilarious, unnecessary dance moves in the music video. Why do people dance in music videos? I’ve definitely heard the chorus before. It’s cheesy, cheery rubbish, and the video is questionable. Mostly harmless junk.

Jan Hammer: Crockett’s Theme

What is this? More 80s drums and synth. Oh right, now I know it, obviously. I knew I knew the name, but couldn’t place it. I never watched Miami Vice which is apparently where this is from. I probably saw a few episodes of it, but for whatever reason I was more of an A-Team, Knightrider guy. It’s an iconic piece of music that probably most people know even if they, like me, don’t know what it’s from. I’ve no idea why this was a hit over any other 80s theme, but there you go.

Fleetwood Mac: Little Lies

Spoiler Alert #2 – Fleetwood Mac is another band I want to cover in a Nightman Listens series. I have a friend who is a diehard fan, but again I mostly know a bunch of singles, a few of which I love. From the name, I don’t know this. The intro and verse is typically 80s, that atmospheric vibe I love. The verse is sort of familiar, then the chorus comes and I slap myself because of course I know it. Everyone looks incredibly stoned in the video too, which is nice. I’ve no idea why they are dressed like Victorian farmers either. I like it, even if some of the backing vocals are terrible and the video is shocking – a decent enough song.

Erasure: The Circus

Erasure. One of my least liked/most disliked bands. Along with Lighthouse Family, UB40, Enya, probably others. I can’t even remember why anymore, but I’m sure we’ll find out. Ponky pumpy horny synthy intro, drunken sounds in verse, annoying vocals. I think it’s more the style rather than the voice I don’t like. This doesn’t feel at all like a single. It’s not terrible, it’s not great… I’m not sure what it is aside from being all over the place.

Billy Idol: Mony Mony

Billy Idol always struck me as a bit of knob. All dressed up like a punk rock or metal superstar, but releasing songs which BROS could just as easily have released. Obviously this is a cover. It’s not all that different from the original, just with a bit of an 80s overhaul. It’s another traditional rock’n’roll song so you can guess how it sounds – the energy, the rhythm, the rises and falls – nothing special but still better than most of today’s chart pap.

Pet Shop Boys: Rent

I like It’s A Sin – who doesn’t? But I’ve never been crazy about these fellas either. This doesn’t seem familiar. Talking vocals, silly whisper noises in the background, already off to a losing start. Singing is marginally better, melodies a little bland, but I appreciate the plaintive feel. I assume the lyrics are heartfelt, some feeling does come across. It’s not bad, but it’s not something I’ll remember or seek out again.

Kiss: Crazy Crazy Nights

Another rock ‘classic’ that was played, for the ladies, at my local Metal bar on Saturday nights. It’s basically a pop ballad the likes of which you’d hear a boy/girl band write, but with added guitar. That’s the thing about hair metal – you had some genuinely accomplished musicians, then you had those who could just about get by, but in the main the songs were throwaway pop garbage. Guitars and androgyny were hot in the 80s, so all these pretty boys with guitars would form bands for a quick buck, suck, or fuck – and most of them are terrible. Nevertheless, those who succeeded, those who are still discussed today knew how to write a catchy tune which all music fans could enjoy, even if there was very little under the surface or face-paint.

Was (Not Was): Walk The Dinosaur

The only artist here I hadn’t heard of so I’m going to go out on a limb and say this was a novelty hit. It certainly starts in that vein with some sort of caveman chant that you just know idiots of the time would have chanted. The verse vocals are fine, and then the chorus drops and I remember it all. So, I’m not sure what the intent behind the song or the lyrics were, aside from trying to make a bunch of money and capitalize on the idiocy of 80s culture. Musically, it beats the equivalent today – there is a variety of instruments, there is some semblance of vibrancy, but it’s still a pile of crap. It seems to be selling a dance instead of being a song on its own merits. If we compare it to Walk Like An Egyptian – another song which created a cutesy dance craze – there’s a clear gulf in talent and creativity between the two.

So, that was an accurate depiction of 80s pop music. Does that mean it represents the decade or the year in music truthfully? No. Does it show the breadth of talent of those who were making music then? Absolutely not. As we have already established, chart music rarely does. Therefore, here is an alternative list of songs released in 1987 which you may find more appealing – and I’m even keeping it mostly pop!

1. With Or Without You – U2
2. Sign O’ The Times – Prince
3. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
4. Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson
5. Sweet Child O’Mine – Guns ‘N’ Roses
6. Heaven Is A Place On Earth – Belinda Carlisle
7. Satch Boogie – Joe Satriani
8. Fairytale Of New York – The Pogues
9. It’s The End Of The World As We Know It – REM
10. Rhythm Is Gonna Get You – Gloria Estefan

Let us know in the comments if you have any memories of 1987 – the music, the movies, and everything in between!

Chart Music Through The Years – 1957

The Olden Days

As you should no doubt now be aware, my current form did not exist in 1957. That should not suggest that I am ignorant of what was going on in music then, or of the wider world in general. Most of what I know is surface and via the largely fictional works of others and it’s not a period I’m overly invested or interested in. Looking at the 10 offerings below, I’ll be upfront and say I recognise most of the performers more than the actual songs. There are a few songs that I know by name, and of course one which everybody knows. I imagine I’ll recognise a few more once I listen.

What else was befalling man in 1957? Well, close to home the IRA was up to their usual shenanigans and Harold Macmillan became Prime Minister. Elsewhere, Eisenhower began his second reign as US President, The Cat In The Hat was published, The Treaty Of Rome was signed, The Sky At Night was first broadcast, heavy rain causes the death of almost 1000 people in Japan, The Civil Rights Movement continued to gain movement and opposing suppression, and Laika went to space. In Music, Elvis bought Graceland, Doris Day’ Que Sera Sera won an Oscar, The Cavern Club opened in Liverpool, and a couple of lads named John Lennon and Paul McCartney met for the first time. Rock and Roll continued to gain traction, with the likes of Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Chuck Berry all having major hits. By all accounts, a good time to be a kid just getting into music it would seem.

1. Paul Anka: Diana

A very traditional rock ballad intro is bolstered by some languid horn work before Anka’s distinctive vocals drop. Lyrically it seems to be a self-written defense of Paul’s MILF relationship. Anka does these little excited gasps throughout the verses and I like how the notes increase in pitch and urgency as the chorus approaches – I think we all know what that means, especially when you throw in lyrics like ‘hold me close and squeeze me tight’. Spoiler Alert – he’s not talking about hugs. There’s an unexpected little breakdown in the middle where the pace picks up in intensity, giving a sprinkle of depth. I don’t believe I’ve heard this before, in terms of comparison it’s not the most adventurous by today’s standards but it’s light years ahead in terms of melody, emotion, and integrity.

2. Elvis Presley: All Shook Up

This is the one we all know, right? I’ve no idea when or how I heard my first Elvis song given that he was dead before I was born, but his biggest hits (like this) seem to have a knack for finding you and staying with you. It begins innocently enough with gentle guitars but when the vocals start you know you’re in trouble – it’s easy to see how so many young ladies fell for him. It’s very simple – that piano riff from the blues was already thoroughly recycled by this point but is one of the foundations of early rock. It’s shorter than I remember, likely more to do with squeezing as many hits onto a record or the radio as possible, but that helps it to become one of those songs you want to hit play on as soon as it ends.

3. Tab Hunter: Young Love

A quiet piece of guitar eases us in before an overly pleasant voice takes things to a heady saccharine level. It’s very sweet – too sweet for me and ironically as he sings of ‘deep emotion’ I fail to find any trace of such in the vocals. It’s too plain and stale and smooth. It’s harmless and innocent on the surface, but it sounds far too childlike and insipid given the eras which have past since.

4. Pat Boone: Loveletters In The Stand

Most songs which begin with whistling don’t go down well with me. It reeks of country, even with the staccato piano and additional of horns. The vocals are again far too smooth and sleepy for me – you may as well be rapping. Badly. I don’t get any sense of feeling from vocals like this. I’m sure there is emotion, but it is so filtered and watered down that it doesn’t reach me. I understand why it was a hit at the time, but it’s not for me.

5. Guy Mitchell: Singing The Blues

More whistling and this time with added ‘bum de dum’ vocal nonsense. It has a sense of fun at least and the vocals are more interesting. The vocal mix however reminds me of Gary Glitter, which is never a good thing. A fun and bouncy mid-range quality song.

6. Lonnie Donnegan: Gamblin’ Man

Boy howdy, it’s always amazing to me when I actually hear people in reality speak and sing with this accent. It doesn’t seem real. Props for going solo in the intro. It seems funny to me rather than anything else, but then it picks up pace and turns into something else. It’s better but it’s also funnier. Then by the end both the drummer and vocalist are going buck nuts – the fury and fun of the performance are enough to carry it through and we even get a very muddy, lost in the mix guitar solo. Good stuff, even if it does have both feet dipped in Country (even if it’s more jazz and skiffle based) – see this is the sort of Country style music I can enjoy – pissed off their faces and absolutely wrecking everything in sight.

7. Harry Belafonte: Island In The Sun

A lesser known (for me) Belafonte song. See, Belafonte has a similar smooth quality to his vocals as others on the list, but his emotion does come through more. It’s not 100 percent clear, but at least I can feel it. Maybe it’s the inflections, maybe it’s because lyrically it’s not some bullshit simplistic love sentiment. The imagery is potent and genuine too, only someone who cares and understands could write like that.

8. Johnnie Ray: Yes Tonight Josephine

There seems to have been a lot of these vocal tick songs in the 50s – this one opening with ‘yip yip bapiddy boo’ or some balls. Main vocals are fine, backing vocals outside of the ‘yip yip’ stuff are not great. The arrangement is too repetitive and simple and the melodies don’t go out of their way to say anything interesting – the main melody repeats without much variance and it’s not overly strong in the first place. Not bad, just forgettable beyond the ‘yip yip’.

9. Pat Boone: Don’t Forbid Me

Senor Boone returns once more, and this time it’s personal. It’s more smooth, easy listening junk. Like most of the other songs here, it’s straight down the middle, takes a basic an idea and runs with it – that’s not necessarily a criticism but I lose interest quickly if the melody or vocals are plain. This is preferable to his last one. It does have a slight middle section where it looks like the song might shift gears, but it’s momentary.

10. Frankie Vaughn: The Garden Of Eden

A mixture of ballad and soft rock blues rhythms. There’s a horn bombast to close the chorus. Vaughn seems playful on some notes and words, holding the note for longer than he needs to or adding a little waver. I assume this would have caused some controversy at the time due to the lyrics, at least in the US. The drummer has some fun towards the end. This would be mostly boring if not for the little excesses by the drummer, singer, and trumpet guys.

We learn once again that regardless of the year or era, we have some good songs and plenty of crap ones too. We also learn that, no matter what the song, someone on Youtube is going to comment that it’s their favourite, or was their parent’s favourite, or bemoan how the music after ‘their decade’ ended has been crap. Without exception. There are three songs here I’d choose to listen to again, with maybe another couple I wouldn’t be annoyed by – the rest I would dismiss. As we’re still in the 1950s and my knowledge is limited, my alternative list of songs isn’t the most exciting. Not all were strictly written in ’57 either.

1. Elvis – Jailhouse Rock

2. Jerry Lee Lewis – Great Balls Of Fire

3. Danny And The Juniors – At The Hop

4. That’ll Be The Day – The Crickets

5. Peggy Sue – Buddy Holly

6. When I Fall In Love – Nat King Cole

7. Wake Up Little Susie – The Everly Brothers

8. Tutti Frutti – Little Richard

9. Rock N Roll Music – Chuck Berry

10. Come Fly With Me – Van Heusen/Cahn

Let us know in the comments if you have any favourites above or elsewhere from 1957!

Chart Music Through The Years – 1999

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here – https://carlosnightman.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/the-uk-top-40/

Greetings, Glancers! Today we party like it’s the end of the century… the end of the millennium…. the end of your life… because it is! Yes, that’s right, I’m about to murder you! But before that inevitability, lets go back to 1999, a time when the world inexplicably lost its mind and started freaking out about clocks stopping, microwaves eating us, and computers stealing all the babies or something. We all looked forward to the greatest party the world has even known, which ended up more like any New Year’s Eve with me drunk in various alleys and streets. Music was probably blaring that night, I can’t remember, but I do remember lots of great stuff, and even more terrible stuff from that year – I suspect you’re going to be subjected to ten such terrible tracks below.

It wasn’t all bad news though – Iron Maiden announced that Brucey and Adrian were coming back to the band, Eminem released The Slim Shady LP, Californication made us all wish we were Californicators, and Metallica arsed about with strings and trumpets. Elsewhere there were many ugly events which propelled the species further down the road to where we find ourselves today – The Columbine Massacre (from which zero lessons appear to have been learnt), Shakespeare In Love won the Best Picture Oscar despite being mostly terrible, Jill Dando was murdered by a demented loon, wars and coups continued to kill and destroy throughout the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and Asia, and George Lucas introduced us all to Jar Jar Binks.

If all that adds up to a crazy time to be alive, a glance through the charts only confirms that thought. Grunge was dead and buried, Britpop had already been vomited up its own ass, and the illegitimate spawn of both had yet to enter the studio for one last shot at rock and roll salvation. Lets do this.

1: Christina Aguilera: Genie In A Bottle

What Britney can do, a comatose, crusty bowl of rabid feces can do just as well, right? Enter another Disney tween, just innocent enough to be exploited by anyone, just dirty enough to be… well, exploited by anyone.  At least Aguilera can sing they said and yes, that’s sort of true. Genie In A Bottle doesn’t exactly show off Aguilera’s dubious talents, but it’s actually a good song. It’s catchy and has a nifty chorus – much better than that love letter to abuse that Britney forced upon us. It’s possibly the only worthwhile thing Aguilera has released.

2: Ann Lee: 2 Times

I struggle to think of a better (worse?) example of twee. A song can’t really get any more simplistic or less emotional, and that wee do-di-do chorus was always shambolic. It’s still catchy yeah, but in this case it doesn’t help. This is what commercial dance music was in the 90s – shit. Guess what? All commercial dance music is shit – who’d’a’known? Just remember… human beings made this, and human beings bought this. Seriously.

3: ATB: Don’t Stop

I have no clue what this is, so I’ll have to listen to refresh my memory…. and instantly wish I hadn’t. It’s more 90s dance drivel – it has the exact same beat as 2 Times, the exact same drum machine was apparently used. I’m not sure I’ve heard this, but that noise which makes the main… noise, it’s very similar to a song I do remember which was marginally better than this so assuming it’s by the same twat(s). But that’s like saying Mengele was marginally better than Hitler. Utter wank.

4: Eiffel 65: Blue Da Ba Dee

Music in the 90s guys… once again someone made this, and people bought it. 

5: Steps: After The The Love Has Gone

It was bound to happen sooner or later. It’s the 90s. It’s Britain. It’s Steps. You don’t need to listen, you already know it’s shit. The only difference between this and The Teletubies is you weren’t embarrassed when you were caught masturbating over The Teletubies. Has there ever been a less attractive group of attractive people in pop history?

6: Buffalo Tom/Gallagher/Cradock: Going Underground/Carnation

I have no clue what this is. Ah right. Gallagher. So this was some sort of supergroup doing cover songs? I have absolutely no memory of this, so I refuse to believe it happened.

7: Honeyz: Never Let You Down

Why?

8: B*Witched: Jessie Hold On

Sweet fucking NO.

9: Macy Gray: I Try

Everyone loved this. I had no idea why then, and I have no idea now. Clearly everyone making and buying music in 1999 was insane. Out of all the shite on this list… this is the worst. It is absolutely not getting linked.

10: Shania Twain: Man I Feel Like A Woman

Yeah? Yet you sound like a twat? So which is it? As much as I dislike everything about this, it’s not as bad as everything else here, and I actually liked some of Shania’s earlier stuff.

As is almost always the case, the charts are not a fair or accurate depiction of the good music released at the time. For my alternative playlist, check out these bad boys:

1. Blondie – Maria
2. Eminem – Guilty Conscience
3. Lene Marlin – Unforgivable Sinner
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Otherside
5. South Park – Blame Canada
6. Tori Amos – 1000 Oceans
7. Muse – Unintended
8. Opeth – Face Of Melinda
9. Rage Against The Machine – Testify
10. Tool – Stinkfist

There you have it, folks. 1999, another year in the can. Let us know your favourite tracks and memories from ’99!

Chart Music Through The Years – 1994

Nineteen and ninety four. A year of change, for me and for the world. It was my first year in big school, meeting all these new weirdos and saw me trying to find some new people with similar tastes in music and movies. Most of my closest friends did not pass the good old 11+ exam (a British transfer test which miraculously ensures whether you get into a good school or crap school, though many could cheat and pay for the privilege) and those were the friends that I listened to Guns’n’Roses, Nirvana, and Alice Cooper with. Luckily I met a few like-minded folks, but in April Kurt Cobain decided to kill himself. After that, music sort of seemed shit. Even music I had previously loved. I went through a bit of a faff, listening to nothing, or more accurately I listened to stuff but felt no connection. Naturally that didn’t last and I fell back in love with music again.

The charts of 1994 were an odd place – we had the grunge from the US, the tail-end of 80s rock still hanging on to relevance, europop, boy bands, the continuing emergence of homegrown bedroom DJs and lady singer-songwriters singing about their lady problems. It was a wonderful diverse world away from today’s chart of Tosspot Feat. Wanker taking up every position. There was good and bad, as it should be. Elsewhere in the music world, Blur released Parklife and Oasis released Definitely Maybe, Tupak went to jail, Michael Jackson married a Presley, Jeff Buckley released Grace,  and Woodstock 94 happened. In the rest of the world, Clinton and Yeltsin made sure no nukes would be flying, Lillehammer had some Olympics, Ayrton Senna crashed and burned, The Channel Tunnel opened, and a bunch of my favourite movies were released. What of October’s Top Ten Singles?

1: Pato Banton: Baby Come Back

This is one of those one hit wonders that was everywhere this year, and another which is almost entirely self contained within the year of its release. To add to the annoyance, it was a cover too, of a song from twenty years earlier. Make things worse by throwing in people from UB40 – one of my most hated bands ever. If there’s one thing I can’t stand in music, it’s anyone who isn’t Bob Marley doing reggae. So you get all these British guys adopting this culture and accent that they may or may not have anything to do with, and making shitty sub-standard knock offs with faux accents. In short – this is terrible. The only good thing about this is that I still will randomly shout ‘but a bye bye bye bye, bada bye bye by bye’.

2: Whigfield: Saturday Night

This was a beast when it arrived, a one-hit wonder which transcended that odious nomenclature and permeated into pop culture. As a pop song it’s still perplexing as to why it became such a monster, but these are questions we’ll never find answers to. I suspect it had something to do with ecstasy. And yet, it’s a perfectly good pop/dance song. It’s repetitive as hell but there’s a cheery likeability to it, no doubt partly due to Whigfield’s smiling Scandinavian otherness. You can usually gauge a song’s true quality in direct relation to how much young girls dance to it – I have clear memories of roaming the streets near my house with my friends shortly after this was released and stumbling upon a group of girls from my school dancing and ‘doing makeup’ to it in their living room. Zoe – I’m looking at you. Somehow it remains both dreadful and not bad at the same time.

3: Bon Jovi: Always

I’ve been going through the Bon Jovi albums elsewhere on this blog and this was always one of my favourites. I loved it upon release and I happily defend it now. Yes it’s cheesy and yes it’s Bon Jovi, but as far as well written effective rock ballads go, there are few better.

4: Take That: Sure

I mean, I avoided Take That as much as I possibly could back in the day, so looking at that song name I don’t have any memory of what this is. Watching the video in the link above for the first time presents a rather creepy introduction, with the lads swarming around a child and asking if she’s ready for bed. Why in God’s name is it seven minutes long? Was this the group trying to channel Michael or Madonna and make a video which was something more than an excuse to smile and unbutton their shirts? I’m gonna have to skip forward because this is painful. Oh fuck, here comes Robbie. Three minutes and still nothing has happened. Finally the song begins and what the balls is this? What in the name of all that is holy went wrong in peoples’ lives that made anyone this happen? Arguably the most bland song I’ve ever heard – and I’ve heard Dido.

5. Michelle Gayle: Sweetness

The 80s gets all the credit for being a decade of WTF, but with stuff like this you’d be forgiven in thinking the 90s should take the hotspot. Michelle Gayle was an actress in Eastenders who had a brief series of hits after leaving the soap. That kind of thing used to happen a lot, but to her credit at least she had more than one. I never liked this, but ironically I find myself singing the chorus every so often. The weird thing is that I don’t really remember the verses and when I sing the chorus I always do it with a strange accent and a faster pace which makes me think it must have been parodied somewhere and I’m doing that version instead. Otherwise I created my own parody when it came out and that’s what’s stayed with me. It’s not very good, just your typical slice of British 90s R’n’B – read – standard pop but with a black singer instead of white.

6: R Kelly: She’s Got That Vibe

Well. I’m not sure what we can really say about R Kelly these days. If I’m honest, I don’t remember him being all that relevant before Space Jam. Or after. I didn’t know that’s who did this song. Your typical light, commercial rap bollocks. Give it credit for a catchy chorus, but keeping things honest – it’s balls.

7: Cyndi Lauper: Hey Now

I like Cyndi Lauper. This is her basically remaking her best known song Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but with added ‘hey nows’ and a slower pace and more annoying production.

8: Snap: Welcome To Tomorrow

Snap. Is that who I’m thinking of? No. No it’s not. And once again, what the balls is this? Look at the state of that video! Even in 94 this looked worse that Liza Minelli’s feces. There aren’t strong enough words to describe how bad this is – musically, visually. I don’t remember this at all, thank fuck, and I hope by tomorrow I’ve forgotten it again. Ladies and Gentleman, may I present to you, the Human Race. Yes, this actually happened. Someone wrote this, someone made this, and people actually paid money to own it. Looking at the comments, people still enjoy it. Reasons we should get nuked #42319877. The only positive thing I can say about this is ‘hey look, that lady has her legs spread’.

9: Sting: When We Dance

Sting was apparently still alive in the 90s. Who woulda known? I do remember this one. It was okay then and it’s okay now. Still bland and uneventful, but then it is Sting.

10: Lisa Loeb: Stay

Finally, one I actually liked at the time. What’s not to like, for younger me? A hot girl with that not-quite grunge look looking at the camera and singing sweetly. It’s not great or anything, but it does have that 90s grrl charm which bled into other artists and shows I enjoyed more.

That’s definitely a snapshot of parts of my childhood right there, and definitely a look at what was popular on these shores. It’s not a great depiction of what was actually good in 1994 though – it was genuinely an excellent year for music – so here’s my alternative playlist.

1: Alice In Chains – Nutshell

2: Green Day – Basket Case

3: Oasis – Live Forever

4: Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over

5: Portishead – Roads

6: Soundgarden – The Day I Tried To Live

7: Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

8: Tori Amos – Baker, Baker

9: Pantera – 5 Minutes Alone

10: Pink Floyd – Lost For Words

What are your favourite songs and memories of 1994? Let us know in the comments!

Chart Music Through The Years – 1964

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here – https://carlosnightman.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/the-uk-top-40/

Greetings, Glancers! We go back approximately 20 years before I was born to check out what the kids were listening to in October 1964. 1964, if you know your music history, was a seminal year. The Beatles landed in the US for the first time, TOTP was shown for the first time in The UK, Keith Moon joined The Who, The Rolling Stones released their first album, Sam Cooke, died, and a bunch of hit songs were released, some of which we’ll cover below.

Elsewhere in the world, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory was published, Cuba and the US arsed about, Cassius Clay beat Sonny Liston, the first Ford Mustang was created, Nelson Mandela went to prison, and many riots and protests abounded all around the globe. It was a British invasion in most areas of culture – from music to movies to fashion and sport. I’m actually shocked that the Top 10 below doesn’t contain a single Beatles song but it does contain a mixture of new rock groups, Motown, and holdovers from the era which was on its way out. I know a few of these and as always I’ll probably recognise others once I hit play. So let’s hit play!

1. Roy Orbison: Oh Pretty Woman

Oh right. I thought it might be this, but I never realised it was actually called ‘Oh Pretty Woman’. Isn’t it just ‘Pretty Woman’? Either way, it’s a timeless pop song. Obviously it’s routed in the 50s, but it’s basically perfect. What more could you need from a pop song – you can sing along easily, you recognize it by hearing any single second, it’s instantly catchy, and there isn’t a note out of place.

2. Herman’s Hermits: I’m Into Something Good

I bet this is the ham song, right? Denny’s ham? That’s an Irish reference which only Irish readers are going to get. It’s happy clappy anyway. Everyone knows this though, another timeless one, more flawless pop. It’s a little bit Beach Boys, what with those harmonies, but there’s something a bit more quirky to it. Apparently the scum sing this at their games. Yeah, like they have anything to sing about these days. Anyway, another good song.

3. The Supremes: Where Did Our Love Go

It’s pretty woman again, with that steady clappy intro. Seriously, compare these three songs with any three songs int he charts today. No comparison right? Sure they’re a little twee and innocent, but musically, melodically, vocally these songs wipe the floor with any of today’s chart wank. Plus, you already know this song. Even if you’ve never heard it, you know it. Today’s songs won’t last. For proof of that, the chart songs of 10 years ago haven’t lasted. This shit is over 50 years old and it’s still awesome. Too short though and doesn’t have a lot of (any) variety.

4. 

Julie Rogers: The Wedding

I have no idea what this is, so I’ll assume it’s Country. Nope, doesn’t sound Country. Well, the vocals could be, musically not really. Musically this is incredibly old fashioned. There’s a slight touch of Shirley Bassey here. Ave Maria. Strings. Explosion. Yeah, I’ve never heard this. Love how the drummer is going batshit. Vocals blasting away. I’m not sure what this is, but I can’t help but enjoy it just because of the sheer power of the performances. It’s not as catchy as the ones above but the gal and her gang knock it out of the park.

5. The Four Seasons: Rag Doll

Bum bum-bum. Bum bum-bum. More Beach Boys. What movie is this in….it’s all lovely. It sounds familiar but I don’t think I’ve heard it. Those highs are just on the right side of grating. Those oohs are damn catchy. The guitars are weird, can’t really hear them in this mix. The highs are making me think of Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy – the Star Trek bit? yeah, you know.

6. The Bachelors: I Wouldn’t Trade You For The World

Jeepers, more ooh-oohs. Ha ha, even trying to sound like The Beatles vocals. For about two seconds. It’s a little bit Country. Throw in some strings and I don’t care. The lyrics are cheesy as a tramp’s toe. Instrumental. Vocal disaster for last note. Yeah, fine, it’s another decent song but a little (bit) bit too simpering and soft.

7. The Searchers: When You Walk In The Room

Should this be ‘walk into the room’. Or is this just about someone walking around in a room. Like ‘when you walk in the room you keep blocking the TV, sit the fuck down cos I’m trying to watch Jessica Jones’?  Bass. There’s the guitar. I know that riff. More harmonies, more melodies. It’s another toe tapper alright. The Youtube comments on these songs are hilarious – ‘this is REAL music, not like today’s crap’. I’ve already made that point too of course. The difference is I don’t care, or don’t want to care about the age or the genre – I just want it to be good – doesn’t matter if it’s a day old or five decades – good is good. This is good. There is less good in today’s charts. But it’s okay, as there is plenty of good outside the charts.

8. The Animals: I’m Crying

Ha ha, this guy’s Youtube channel is ‘Back When Music Was Good’. What’s the point in even being alive if you believe that? Yeah, go back to the 60s with your wars, rampant unemployment, lack of rights, and no internets. Actually that sounds exactly like 2017 apart from the internets. It’s a fast paced boyo, with organ and deep vocals, and yet it isn’t The Doors. It has an edge, as you’d expect from The Animals, it’s a little bit manic, but it lacks some melody outside of the ahh ahhs. Still, another good’un.

9. The Hollies: We’re Through

Everyone loves The Hollies, right? Listen to that guitar, great stuff. A fast paced rocker like early Beatles covers, this is frantic in every sense – the vocals wobble all over the place, the guitar and bass wrestle for attention, and the drums chatter away like the teeth of a frostbitten fool. It’s isn’t their most catchy or immediate song, but still good.

10. Jim Reeves: I Won’t Forget You

Well, I knew it couldn’t last. Still, this isn’t as horrible as I was forgetting. It’s pretty bleak even with the sentiment. Pure, clean vocals. It’s very plain and easy, a little bit Country, a little bit Calypso, very slow and simple, and there’s always going to be a market for it. Not my thing, but it’s harmless.

Well, that was very good – probably the best Top Ten I’ve covered yet in this series of posts. I’m not going to bother posting an alternate Top 10, partly because I don’t know enough about the other songs released, and partly because any alternate top 10 would include some of the artists above anyway. The obvious other recommendations would be The Beatles – take your pick from I Want To Hold Your Hand, A Hard Day’s Night, Can’t Buy Me Love – and also throw in some Beach Boys, Stones, Kinks etc. There’s something for everyone up above, except idiots, and even then some of the songs here are good enough to even interest the most staunch idiot.

Let us know in the comments which of the songs above you love, and if any other hits or otherwise from 1964 float your yacht!

Chart Music – 1966

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here – https://carlosnightman.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/the-uk-top-40/

1966 Glancers, 1966. The year which meany consider to be the pinnacle of music. A pivotal year by all accounts, for culture worldwide, for music, cinema, politics, civil rights and so on and so forth. Where were you? Where was I? Where am I? So many questions, and so few readers. As you may be aware, I was not yet part of this world, at least not as you understand it, but many people were and they bore witness to things such as England winning the World Cup, thousands more US troops landing in Vietnam, Time magazine asked if God Was Dead, The Church Of Satan was formed, Castro declared Martial Law, Star Trek debuted on TV, John met Yoko, and a maniac went on a shooting spree in Texas.

In the realm of music, David Bowie emerged, The Beatles became the first band to play the Nippon Budokan Hall, Van Morrison and The Doors appeared on stage together, and Bob Dylan turned Judas. A bunch of extraordinarily popular albums were released and many songs still played regularly today were recorded. Looking at the list of songs below, there are only three I know from the name but I’m sure once I listen I will know a few more. The list at a first glance doesn’t seem to be representative of the many great songs and albums which first appeared this year.

1.  Jim Reeves. Distant Drums.

Smooth vocals. Slow. Far away. Basic beat, simple piano. Strings arrive. Shifts to a more Western style pace. All very pleasant but out of time. Nothing wrong with it, a little too nice for my liking.

2. Dave Dee: Bend It!

Descending riff. Slower pace. Quickening like a Greek tune. Faster. Collapse. Funny. Even Greek guitars so I assume a deliberate choice. I always liked this sort of music from my travels. What exactly is he bending? Pretty good, though probably a novelty song.

3. The Who: I’m A Boy.

Back when they sounded like a nice little garage band, though they still manage to make plenty of noise in the chorus and bridge with those chugging guitars and bin lid drums. Great lyrics, good music.

4. New Vaudeville Band: Winchester Cathedral.

Ha ha, South Park. There’s something in my pocket for you. Waterloo melody. More novelty stuff but still good. Not a bad song yet, yay.

5. The Rolling Stones: Have You Seen Your Mother Baby Standing In The Shadow.

Fuzz and throbbing and sudden trumpets. All a bit chaotic with the trumpets out of tune with the vocals and guitar. The little break in the middle is nice. I was never a huge fan of early Stones but this is pretty good. The bass is probably the best part. It all collapses into a surprise bonus riff at the end. You wouldn’t get that in the charts these days.

6. The Supremes: You Can’t Hurry Love.

You know it, of course you do. Or the Phil Collins version. Sweet, melodic, beautiful. Can’t say much more about it, just enjoy!

7. Sandpipers: Guatanamera.

A song forever adopted by football crowds with ‘Guatanamera’ changed to… something else. I have no idea what it’s about but all very nice – dreamy verses and of course an incredibly catchy chorus. Oh, a spoken explanation. I didn’t really need that, but thanks.

8. Sonny And Cher: Little Man.

Greek fingering (madam) and bangs (sir). Yes, I know this. Horn beeps. Lots of pauses. It is a very odd song, then again it was 1966. Good though.

9. The Troggs: I Can’t Control Myself.

To be fair, most morning I wake up and scream ‘OH NO!’ This is a song with a marching beat and a simple structure, catchy chorus, verses okay, probably shouldn’t be stretched to three minutes.

10. Dusty Springfield: All I See Is You

Your standard Springfield ballad – big vocals, a little mournful, you know the score.  The chorus/rest of song is much better – even bigger vocals and more emotion, and it keeps getting bigger in every sense as it goes along.

As mentioned earlier, 1966 had a wealth of quality releases – Sounds Of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel, Boots by Nancy Sinatra, Blonde On Blonde, Pet Sounds, Revolver, Freak Out, Jefferson Airplane Takes Off, A Quick One, and many others. Out of the top selling singles of the year in the US, three were by The Beatles, one by The Beach Boys, and one by Frank Sinatra – four out of five ain’t bad. For an alternative list of 10 great songs from 1966 (though most are incredibly famous) have a click on the links below:

1. The Beatles: We Can Work It Out

2. James Brown: I Got You (I Feel Good)

3. The Mamas And The Papas: California Dreamin

4. The Rolling Stones: Paint It Black

5. The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Hey Joe

6. The Velvet Underground & Nico: I’ll Be Your Mirror

7. Janis Ian: Society’s Child

8. Jefferson Airplane: Let Me In

9. The Kinks: Sunny Afternoon

10. The Who: Boris The Spider

What is your favourite song from 1966? Let us know in the comments!

Chart Music – 1992

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here – https://carlosnightman.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/the-uk-top-40/

Greetings, Glancers! It’s time for me to think of another absurdist metaphor concerning looking to the past, as we look to the past – 1992 to be precise. In 1992 I was already a bite-size metal and grunge kid, watching Headbanger’s Ball and reading Kerrang magazine. Thanks to my love for those genres, even by that point in my life I was pretty miffed at the state of UK music charts. The bands I liked never got any credit or praise from the mainstream media and the radio would play the same shite. Sometimes of of course they were forced to bow to audience pressure and play something with a rock vibe – I remember many times that certain stations would play something like Sweet Child O’Mine or Smells Like Teen Spirit, yet cut the song short before it had ended. Even when the genres were at a commercial peak, they were shafted and pushed to the side.

But what else was happening in 19 and 92? George Bush senior disgraced himself and his nation by barfing all over the place, then officially ended The Cold War, The Maastricht treaty was signed, The Bosnian War kicked off, LA had some riots, Barney The Dinosaur appeared, Denmark won Euro 92, the Olympics were held in Barcelona, and Slick Billy prepared to become President. In music, Nevermind was number 1 in the charts, Mariah Carey went unplugged, John Frusciante left the RHCP, November Rain became the most expensive music video ever, James Hetfield got burnt, and The Bodyguard became the biggest selling soundtrack ever.

1. Tasmin Archer: Sleeping Satellite

This was everywhere in 1992, and is still one of those songs that you can’t forget once you’ve heard it. I did like it then and listening now it’s still pretty great. Those gruff vocal parts are funny… I don’t think I’ve heard another Tamsin Archer song so I’ve no idea if she was a one hit wonder. I don’t remember the wacky organ solo.

2. Boyz II Men: End Of The Road

Speaking of songs that were everywhere, this thing was at number 1 for about 12 years. I’m not sure why it was so popular – I get why it was successful – but not why it was such a monster. It’s a decent ballad, but it’s cheesy as fuck and that video is horrific – four funny looking blokes with incredible voices moping about in funny looking clothes. This is what women were into in 1992 apparently.

3. Bizarre Inc: I’m Going To Get You

From the name alone I don’t remember this so I’m going to guess it’s a one hit wonder chav mess. Aaand, with the first second I remember it. Okay, I managed the first minute, that’s all you need to hear. I mean, it is dreadful. The singing, the repetition, the music, and the theme which seems to be rape.

4. Madonna: Erotica

We’ve covered this on the blog before.

5. Bon Jovi: Keep The Faith

We’ve covered this on the blog before.

6. Doctor Spin: Tetris

Now we get into the really bad shit. This wanky dance music was seriously popular at the time and if today’s charts are anything to go by, wanky dance music won the race. It’s basically the main Tetris theme tune with some weird voice in the background and other Nintendo noises zooming around. Just think for a second – someone actually made this, and enough people bought it that it reached the Top 10 in the UK charts.

7. Dr Alban: It’s My Life

The second medical practitioner turned shit music maker in our top ten this year. This one at least is less repetitive and has a weird, creepy, industrial vibe. I don’t think that was intentional. The overlapping beats are actually cool and this one has held up much better. Only the vocals really date it.

8. The Shaman: Ebeneezer Goode

Congrats, it’s another one that I refuse to link to because it’s an absolute abomination. One of undisputed worst songs of all time.

9. Take That: A Million Love Songs

And this is one of Take That’s less annoying songs.

10. Arrested Development: People Everyday

I’ve no idea what this is, so I’d better give it a listen. I don’t think I’ve heard this before, but I could be mistaken. It sounds so generic that any of these type of songs from this period all sound similar to me. It is quite annoying, all the call, response stuff, and weird backing vocals stuff, plus the kind of rap which was successful in the UK at this time was so tame.

So, a mixture of dreadful and bearable. 1992 saw plenty of major, genuinely good releases – Generation Terrorists, Vulgar Display Of Power, Little Earthquakes, Somewhere Far Beyond, Countdown To Extinction, Dirt, Tourism, Automatic For The People etc. For a much more invigorating and lovely list of songs from 1992, have a gander at these boys.

1. Alice In Chains – Nutshell
2. Del Amitri – Always The Last To Know
3. Manic Street Preachers – Condemned To Rock And Roll
4. Soul Asylum – Runaway Train
5. 4 Non Blondes – What’s Up
6. Nirvana – Aneurysm
7. Dr Dre – Fuck Wit Dre Day
8. Mr Big – To Be With You
9. Richard Marx – Hazard
10. Shakespears Sister – Stay

Feel free to share your memories, musical or otherwise, of 1992 in the comments below!

 

Chart Music – 2003

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here – https://carlosnightman.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/the-uk-top-40/

2003, Baby! Well, back then I had just passed from the jaded land of teenage dreams into the terrifying world of ‘I’m in my twenties’. I went to Glastonbury and saw a tonne of great bands – old and new, and I both marveled and despaired at the commercial music scene. On one hand, we had the continuing resurgence in the popularity of metal and rock from a commercial sense – shitty pop punk bands were ruling the airwaves alongside even worse post-grunge do-gooders. Most of the commercial metal hitting the charts in the US and UK was stagnant, but behind the scenes there was plenty to love. Bland UK and US mainstream rockers were the main order of the day, with a billion ‘The’ bands popping up from everywhere and some truly awful indie types making repetitive garbage that would be best suited to the numbing hell of a club dancefloor. On the other hand, what was now termed R’n’B continued to rise, manufactured, vapid pap from Television talent shows consistently traumatized those who actually like music, Madonna kissed Britney Spears, Pete Townsend looked at some awful pictures for research purposes, Michael Jackson met Martin Bashir and was then arrested, Phil Spector was accused of murder, Napster came back from the dead and was used by nobody, and ITunes was born and used by everybody.

But surely the music was influenced by what was happening in the word? The Space Shuttle Columbia fell to pieces on reentry, US and pals invaded Iraq looking for those pesky WMDs, and everybody continued to laugh at George Bush. As usual, various coups and uprisings began and ended around the world while people in US and Europe began taking steps to legalize or make same-sex marriage possible. Leslie Cheung killed himself, while many other notable stars passed away including Gregory Peck, June and Johnny Cash, Katherine Hepburn, Bob Hope, John Ritter, Jonathan Brandis, and many more. I was in my middle year of University witnessing all these things which would later inspire my billion selling book.

Lets take a look at what was being forced into our earholes by the radio overlords in October of 2003. Some of these are making me vomit just from remembering how bad they were, and a few I don’t recognize at all. Some I’m sure I’ll remember when I listen, and only one is remotely likeable. Here we go:

1: Black Eyed Peas: Where Is The Love. Does anybody even like Black Eyed Peas? I mean, honestly? Sure they have little tunes and little beats, but it’s all so showy and shitty. This isn’t their worst – it’s well meaning, apparently, but that chorus is a clear rip off of Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’. There’s no two ways about it. When it’s not ripping off some melodies from there, it’s ripping ideas from Michael Jackson to make an inferior, slightly twee but mostly okay song. Drum sounds are awful.

2: Beyonce: Baby Boy. I have no idea what this is. More miserable attempts at Beyoncé’s laughable grasping of feminism? Oh dear, it’s a ‘feat’. song. And oh dear, it’s Sean Paul. Has there every been a single song that Sean Paul has appeared on that has been anything better than terrible? Cheap Thrills is so much better without his robotic shite. Does Beyoncé have a thing for infants – is that what this is about? It’s about sex. It’s terrible. The backing thrusts of music are all faux-drama and threat, but with Beyoncé’s warbling over the top it sounds pathetic. It turns into some tribal Indian disaster near the end, not for musical reasons you understand – just so, I bet, Beyoncé can try out a new outfit and dance for the video.

3: Jamelia: Superstar. Yeah, this song was everywhere at the time and it’s still played quite frequently for something that’s almost 14 years old. Listening to this and the previous song, and listening to the charts today, makes you think that music has not progressed whatsoever in the last decade. Think about what happened between 1960 and 1974. Or 1974 and 1988. Or 1988 and 2002. I didn’t have any real problem with this one. It’s light, and it does have good melodies in verse and chorus. Jamelia’s voice is fine, doesn’t standout, but serves the song. It’s about sex.

4: Rachel Stevens: Sweet Dreams My LA Ex. So, this was the hot one from S Club 7. I think I’ve heard the song name, but don’t think I’ve heard the song. Spanish/funky chords. Terrible drum noises. Terrible attempts at sexy vocals. Terrible attempt at emulating Britney. Feeble, generic verse and chorus. Bland bland nothingness. It’s about sex.

5: The Darkness: I Believe In A Thing Called Love. I saw The Darkness at Glastonbury just before they exploded for a brief couple of years. Sure they’re a joke band, but that didn’t stop them from making catchy songs and they don’t get more catchy and unusual than this in chart music. It’s about sex.

6: Dido: White Flag. Speaking of bland bland nothingness, ladies and gentlemen… Dido! We all loved Stan when it came out, but then Dido started popping up everywhere, for no reason. I think this song would be better if someone else was singing. But that empty void of a voice, coupled with the silent elevator fart of the music does make the whole thing sound like a surrender.

7: The Strokes: 12:51. Ugh, I can’t stand The Strokes. They are basically Status Quo, but without the musical ability. Ha. Or the ear for a tune. Lets see if I know this one. Surprise surprise – tap tap tap the SAME FUCKING RHYTHM AND SAME REPETITIVE CHORDS ON EVERY SINGLE SONG. Here is every Strokes song ever – d d d d d d d d d duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO CHUH CHUH CHUH CHUH CHUH CHUH CHUH CHUH. How did The Strokes even happen? How did people fall for this!? It is as generic as Rachel Stevens and as bland as Dido. Arguably the worst successful rock band ever.

8: S Club 8: Sun Down. There was an S Club 8? Why don’t I remember this? Did they add another member to 7 or is it a sequel to Juniors? Who the fuck cares, none of it should have ever happened. Holy hell this is bad. Just listen to that music? The annoying thing is that the leading melodies are catchy, even if it does rip off everything from Abba to Kylie Minogue. This exists solely to teach 8 year olds how to dance. Badly. It’s about sex.

9: Texas: Carnival Girl. Jeebus, this really wants to take the crown of most bland list ever. Texas is the same as Dido. Charlene Spit-Near-Ye may well be Dido in disguise. I thought I knew this one, but it doesn’t sound familiar. WTF rapping balls is this. Is that Sean Paul? Possibly Paul Sean. It’s definitely Feat. someone. Poor poor poor.

10: Fast Food Rockers: Say Cheese. Never heard of this in my life. And within the first three seconds I wish I could still say that. What the absolute balls is this? Chav noise for the braindead.

Now that’s out of the way, lets take a look at what you could have been listening to. We had decent album releases from the likes of Children Of Bodom, Cult Of Luna, Strapping Young Lad, Opeth etc. Outside of metal there was a new Madonna album, and releases by Radiohead, The Mars Volta, Placebo, Muse, and probably others. Below is a much better selection of songs to enrich your life and remind you that yes, somewhere out there are folks making genuinely good stuff.

1. Pink: Humble Neighbourhoods.

2. Lene Marlin: Fight Against The Hours

3. Alice Cooper: The Song That Didn’t Rhyme

4. Muse: Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist

5. The Bangles: Something That You Said

6. Iron Maiden – No More Lies

7. Manic Street Preachers: Judge Yrself

8. Radiohead – Myxomatosis

9. Opeth: Windowpane

10. Ben Harper: She’s Only Happy In The Sun

Listen to mine, it’s the only logical choice. Let us know in the comments what you thought about any of the songs above and what you remember about 2003!