The Slumber Party Massacre

When you call your movie ‘The Slumber Party Massacre’, there are certain things an audience might expect; namely, a slumber party, possibly some sort of massacre, and perhaps that massacre will happen at a slumber party. The periphery information – what the theme of the Slumber Party is, who is in attendance, who is doing the massacring, and why these people are being massacred – well that’s left to the excited viewer to uncover, but presumably each of these questions would also be answered. The Slumber Party Massacre answers every one of these questions – there is a slumber party (attended by a bunch of peppy high school seniors), there is a massacre (instigated by a good old fashioned escaped crim who takes a liking to this particular group of friends), the massacre does happen at the slumber party (and a little precursor or two beforehand), the theme of the slumber party is simply to drink and get stoned and bitch about people – and some of these people even show up to be massacred too. Basically, there’s a whole lot of massacring at this slumber party.

What else should be in a film with this name? If you answered boobs, then you’re correct! Boobs should be present, and boobs are present. Quite often in fact. If you’re wondering why I’m asking all these bizarre, vaguely humours questions – it’s not merely because I’m a lazy, unfunny writer, but it’s because they’re actually relevant to the context of the movie. The film was originally written as a parody or satire of the booming slasher genre – while it was never going to be as meta as Scream, it was still designed to poke fun at the exploitative nature of the genre – the male gaze and full frontal antics, the ludicrous violence, the empty-headed characters, nonsensical plots, and the killers and their ridiculous agenda/weapons/masks/unkillability. At some point between script and filming the unthinkable happened and the film instead switched into being the exact sort of film it was meant to be satirizing. What this means is that we have a film filled with the blood, guts, bad guys, killings, and boobs of your usual sleaze’n’slash-fest, but a script with strange in-jokes, characters who seem more savvy than they should be, and some proto-feminist turns. In short, it’s fucking bizarre.

While you’re not going to highlight any of the performances as notable, everyone here is passable and entertaining, from the cannon fodder to the cannon. As bad as you’re expecting a film with this title to be, you’ll enjoy it in spite of yourself. Horror fans will enjoy the niche it owns along with the kills, the various trappings and tropes, and any non-horror fans will get a kick out of how silly it all is. On the surface it’s a typical slasher following a bunch of girls being stalked by a crazed killer and his powerdrill (shlong), and as they get picked off one by one the survivors begin to fight back in a last gasp attempt at survival. It’s just over an hour long, and as such makes for a curious and simple good time – the perfect horror party movie before moving on to something more substantial.

Let us know in the comments what you think of Slumber Party Massacre!

Ranking The Bond Women -Introduction

Chauvinism ahoy! Following on from my ridiculously unpopular Bond Songs ranking posts I thought I would move on to even more misguided waters by listing all of the women who appear in Bond movies. As before, this is a personal list so nostalgia and personal preference will hold more weight that cultural importance or lack thereof, with a sprinkling of character, writing, and acting ability aiding in the ranking. Before I get started with the list, for all your purists out there THIS IS MY LIST. I am including Never Say Never Again (even though it’s tripe), I am including typical Bond girls and female Bond baddies, and I’m trying to include even the most minor character – it just needs to be someone who has had some sort of fling or naughty, nudey escapade with Double Oh Shlong – because of this I may miss a few characters – don’t hate me. Or do, I don’t care. I am not including Moneypenny as she is a regular, recurring character and I’m not including Judi Dench’s M because I’m not a GILF hunter.

At time of writing I have identified a frightening, wrist-wrenching 90 ladies. My wife tells me I have peculiar tastes when it comes to women, so be prepared for some unusual choices in my top 20. I’ll split up my posts into minors, middling, and major characters, and I’ll even share with you a lovely picture of each woman along with my alarmingly non-pervy thoughts. Won’t that be lovely? And because no blog post is complete without a list – here is the list of Bond Girls by movie which I will be including! Feel free to let me know your favourites now, or alternatively wait until I have completed my wanking. RANKING! Ahem, ranking. Ahem.

Dr No: Honey Ryder, Sylvia Trench, Miss Taro

From Russia With Love: Sylvia Trench (again), Tatiana Romanova, Zora, Vida

Goldfinger:  Dink, Jill Masterson, Tilly Masterson, Bonita, Pussy Galore.

Thunderball: Fiona Volpe, Paula Caplan, Mademoiselle La Porte, Patricia Fearing, Domino Derval

You Only Live Twice: Aki, Ling, Helga Brandt, Kissy Suzuki

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Teresa Di Vicenzo, Ruby Bartlett, Nancy,

Diamonds Are Forever: Tiffany Case, Plenty O’Toole, Bambi, Thumper, Marie

Live And Let Die: Solitaire, Rosie Carver, Miss Caruso

The Man With The Golden Gun: Andrea Anders, Mary Goodnight, Saida, Chew Mee

The Spy Who Loved Me: Anya Amasova, Naomi, Felicca, Martine Blanchaud.

Moonraker: Manuela, Corinne Dufour, Holly Goodhead, Apollo Jet Hostess

For Your Eyes Only: Melina Havelock, Bibi Dahl, Countess Lisl

Octopussy: Octopussy, Magda, Bianca,

A View To A Kill: Kimberly Jones, Mayday, Stacey Sutton, Jenny Flex, Pan Ho, Pola Ivanova

The Living Daylights: Kara Milovy, Linda, Rubavich, Rosika Miklos,

License To Kill: Lupe Lamora, Pam Bouvier,

Goldeneye: Xenia Onatopp, Natalya Simonova, Caroline

Tomorrow Never Dies: Inga Bergstrom, Wai Lin, Paris Carver,

The World Is Not Enough: Cigar Girl, Christmas Jones, Electra King, Molly Warmflash,

Die Another Day: Peaceful, Miranda Frost, Jinx. Verity.

Casino Royale: Solange, Vesper Lynd

Never Say Never Again: Domino Petachi, Fatima Blush

Quantum Of Solace: Agent Fields, Camille, Gemma

Skyfall: Bond’s Lover, Severine

Spectre: Lucia Sciarra, Madeleine Swan, Estrella

Carry On Dick: You have a large penis!

Hi. This is a continuation of the ‘popular’ British sitcom from the 60s- ‘Dicks’ and features a crossover with The Royal Shakespeare Company’s successful series of carrion films. ‘Dicks’ was about a group of rather annoying lads living on a typical council estate in England (Chelsea) who spend their time drinking Buckfast and standing on your garden causing a general nuisance, whilst Carry On follows a group of rather annoying people who are variously horny and who get into assorted scrapes which result in all manner of doobla entendres. There were so many episodes of this series that I’m not sure which one this one was about, so I’ll just ‘Carry On’ and see what happens- ha ha!(Dick)

In this one, our heroes have just returned from a sexy camping trip in Skegness and the men are well and truly spent, having satisfied their wicked urges- Rick James satisfied his urge with Baps Windsor, Kenneth Wimyams satisfied his urge with his self, Franklin Howard satisfied his urge all over Joan (the) Sims, whilst the thin, sickly one satisfied himself on an upturned tent spike- Arrgh Matron! Suffice it to say, the man are in no need for any more sordid incidents, but the women, having only had their arousals roused, need more- hence the title. They wish to Carry On, but the men can’t stands no more and the men’s little men can’t stands at all. The women have heard that there are rather frisky, impure, rather annoying men in a local council estate, so they make their merry way round the corner in search of the Dicks to satisfy themselves. For ease of reference, I have made a list of some of the Dicks:

Simon Cowell, Chad Kruegger (Freddy’s brother from Nicklesack), the ones from the US Spin Off- Jersy Shore, Alec Fergison, et all.

There are many other Dicks in this episode such as Jimmy (I’ll) Nail (ye) and (St.) Nicholas Lindhurts who appeared in the original series, and suffice it to say, all of them end up giving and receiving mouth gifts in the final forty minute lurgee scene. In the end, Sid Jims and crew turn up realizing that their women have absconded and squeeze all the Dicks between their hands until they pop. It was quite a violent end and suffice it to say, it was the penultimate and final episode in the series before the last few new episodes began daily over the next few years.

Best Scene: Once again, the screen writers created a wonderful ensemble of character names, such as Gloria Stitz, Clint Oris, Hugh Jukok, Ian Us, Simon Cowell, Slapt Ass, Anne O’Gasim, Phil McCracken, Dougie Style, Tug Mashlong, and of course the triplets- Suk Mi, Phuk Mi, and Dave.