Ranking The Bond Women -Introduction

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Chauvinism ahoy! Following on from my ridiculously unpopular Bond Songs ranking posts I thought I would move on to even more misguided waters by listing all of the women who appear in Bond movies. As before, this is a personal list so nostalgia and personal preference will hold more weight that cultural importance or lack thereof, with a sprinkling of character, writing, and acting ability aiding in the ranking. Before I get started with the list, for all your purists out there THIS IS MY LIST. I am including Never Say Never Again (even though it’s tripe), I am including typical Bond girls and female Bond baddies, and I’m trying to include even the most minor character – it just needs to be someone who has had some sort of fling or naughty, nudey escapade with Double Oh Shlong – because of this I may miss a few characters – don’t hate me. Or do, I don’t care. I am not including Moneypenny as she is a regular, recurring character and I’m not including Judi Dench’s M because I’m not a GILF hunter.

At time of writing I have identified a frightening, wrist-wrenching 90 ladies. My wife tells me I have peculiar tastes when it comes to women, so be prepared for some unusual choices in my top 20. I’ll split up my posts into minors, middling, and major characters, and I’ll even share with you a lovely picture of each woman along with my alarmingly non-pervy thoughts. Won’t that be lovely? And because no blog post is complete without a list – here is the list of Bond Girls by movie which I will be including! Feel free to let me know your favourites now, or alternatively wait until I have completed my wanking. RANKING! Ahem, ranking. Ahem.

Dr No: Honey Ryder, Sylvia Trench, Miss Taro

From Russia With Love: Sylvia Trench (again), Tatiana Romanova, Zora, Vida

Goldfinger:  Dink, Jill Masterson, Tilly Masterson, Bonita, Pussy Galore.

Thunderball: Fiona Volpe, Paula Caplan, Mademoiselle La Porte, Patricia Fearing, Domino Derval

You Only Live Twice: Aki, Ling, Helga Brandt, Kissy Suzuki

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Teresa Di Vicenzo, Ruby Bartlett, Nancy,

Diamonds Are Forever: Tiffany Case, Plenty O’Toole, Bambi, Thumper, Marie

Live And Let Die: Solitaire, Rosie Carver, Miss Caruso

The Man With The Golden Gun: Andrea Anders, Mary Goodnight, Saida, Chew Mee

The Spy Who Loved Me: Anya Amasova, Naomi, Felicca, Martine Blanchaud.

Moonraker: Manuela, Corinne Dufour, Holly Goodhead, Apollo Jet Hostess

For Your Eyes Only: Melina Havelock, Bibi Dahl, Countess Lisl

Octopussy: Octopussy, Magda, Bianca,

A View To A Kill: Kimberly Jones, Mayday, Stacey Sutton, Jenny Flex, Pan Ho, Pola Ivanova

The Living Daylights: Kara Milovy, Linda, Rubavich, Rosika Miklos,

License To Kill: Lupe Lamora, Pam Bouvier,

Goldeneye: Xenia Onatopp, Natalya Simonova, Caroline

Tomorrow Never Dies: Inga Bergstrom, Wai Lin, Paris Carver,

The World Is Not Enough: Cigar Girl, Christmas Jones, Electra King, Molly Warmflash,

Die Another Day: Peaceful, Miranda Frost, Jinx. Verity.

Casino Royale: Solange, Vesper Lynd

Never Say Never Again: Domino Petachi, Fatima Blush

Quantum Of Solace: Agent Fields, Camille, Gemma

Skyfall: Bond’s Lover, Severine

Spectre: Lucia Sciarra, Madeleine Swan, Estrella

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Carry On Dick: You have a large penis!

Hi. This is a continuation of the ‘popular’ British sitcom from the 60s- ‘Dicks’ and features a crossover with The Royal Shakespeare Company’s successful series of carrion films. ‘Dicks’ was about a group of rather annoying lads living on a typical council estate in England (Chelsea) who spend their time drinking Buckfast and standing on your garden causing a general nuisance, whilst Carry On follows a group of rather annoying people who are variously horny and who get into assorted scrapes which result in all manner of doobla entendres. There were so many episodes of this series that I’m not sure which one this one was about, so I’ll just ‘Carry On’ and see what happens- ha ha!(Dick)

In this one, our heroes have just returned from a sexy camping trip in Skegness and the men are well and truly spent, having satisfied their wicked urges- Rick James satisfied his urge with Baps Windsor, Kenneth Wimyams satisfied his urge with his self, Franklin Howard satisfied his urge all over Joan (the) Sims, whilst the thin, sickly one satisfied himself on an upturned tent spike- Arrgh Matron! Suffice it to say, the man are in no need for any more sordid incidents, but the women, having only had their arousals roused, need more- hence the title. They wish to Carry On, but the men can’t stands no more and the men’s little men can’t stands at all. The women have heard that there are rather frisky, impure, rather annoying men in a local council estate, so they make their merry way round the corner in search of the Dicks to satisfy themselves. For ease of reference, I have made a list of some of the Dicks:

Simon Cowell, Chad Kruegger (Freddy’s brother from Nicklesack), the ones from the US Spin Off- Jersy Shore, Alec Fergison, et all.

There are many other Dicks in this episode such as Jimmy (I’ll) Nail (ye) and (St.) Nicholas Lindhurts who appeared in the original series, and suffice it to say, all of them end up giving and receiving mouth gifts in the final forty minute lurgee scene. In the end, Sid Jims and crew turn up realizing that their women have absconded and squeeze all the Dicks between their hands until they pop. It was quite a violent end and suffice it to say, it was the penultimate and final episode in the series before the last few new episodes began daily over the next few years.

Best Scene: Once again, the screen writers created a wonderful ensemble of character names, such as Gloria Stitz, Clint Oris, Hugh Jukok, Ian Us, Simon Cowell, Slapt Ass, Anne O’Gasim, Phil McCracken, Dougie Style, Tug Mashlong, and of course the triplets- Suk Mi, Phuk Mi, and Dave.