Loaded

Loaded

A pretty little rich boy gets involved in drugs and violence in a pretty little rich town. Potentially interesting ruined by poor acting, poor camerawork, terrible characters who speak in the most inane language in an unconvincing manner, an ending which doesn’t answer questions about certain characters and an open half hour or more in which absolutely nothing happens.

Yes, the intro goes on for most of the movie- introducing the gardener from Desperate Housewives who, it seems, was once involved in drugs and other scary things and witnessed a friend dying. He has moved on, is doing well at Uni, has a bunch of friends who say a lot but have nothing to say, and parents who watch over him like prison guards. There follows scene after scene of semi nude , semi skeletal women gyrating to awful music, flashy camerawork which gets irratating before the first time it happens, and shots of people from a society which will hopefully soon be long forgotten drinking and grinning. Eventually something happens.

I won’t ‘spoil’ the ‘plot’, but basically the story follows Metcalfe descend back into his old ways which threaten to destroy everything he has achieved (been given) before he realises what has been happening and fights to save himself. I’m struggling to remember why i decided to give this two stars instead of one. Monica Keena, the only character worth remotely caring in, is watchable amidst the mire of stereotypes scraped off the back of a Tim Westwood earlobe, and Vinnie Jones is ok as himself. There are a few scenes of action, mostly handled as if by someone who runs away when they see a couple of birds fighting over a worm, and a couple of moments of violence which aren’t anything exciting for fans. There are a few funny moments, although that may have been my own madness setting in. For fans of things which look as if they go boom (but don’t) and people who think they’re beautiful (but aren’t).

The Gargoyle- Andrew Davidson

Andrew Davidson’s debut is an accomplished, confident, self-depricating, chaotic beauty of a novel. At turns shocking, funny, real, fantastical, full of hatred and uncertainty, yet uplifting, The Gargoyle is ultimately a love story about a man whose life has forced him to become a monster inside, and it takes a horrific accident to bring the monster to the surface. Only then can it be tamed and overcome by the appearance of a mysterious woman who speaks of times long since passed, and a love long lost but never forgotten.

Davidson appears, like his nameless storyteller, to be a man who enjoys dipping his thought gland into the juices of every area of life and experience, and sucking what he can into his own fleshy being. Many parts of history are covered, many peoples and countries, science, religion, philosophy are each encountered and wrestled. Our hero starts out by re-telling his early life- hardship after hardship only served to build character- he loves to read and learn, although these hardships also pushed him into the porn industry and many vices and habits. Forced into hospital with near total body burns, he is faced with months of staring at a ceiling in agony and the thought that his life is well and truly over. He has no desire, like his fellow patients to ‘beat this’ and get better- He knows that he will forever be the freak that everyone will cross the road to avoid, and his only desire of getting better is so he has the strentgh to kill himself. Until she appears. Even with his experience of women, he is intrigued by her, and her apparent knowledge of parts of his life he believed to be totally secret.

Any more would be spoiling the story, but hopefully this has suckled your own thought gland. I must mention the book in its physical sense- one of the most gorgeous i have on my shelves, dark and enticing. It seems like one of those books which everyone would be drawn to lifting upon entering the room. You shouldn’t judge it by its cover- but if you are drawn in you will enjoy it for its merits.

The Gargoyle

Amazon Vine Freebies: 9/22/2011

Last week was a fairly poor selection so I passed on the offers; there’s only so many free irons you can keep in one household. So last night saw this month’s leftovers and naturally the expensive items were the first to vanish- blenders, hair straighteners etc. There was some interesting software- convert old records and cassettes to MP3 which I was tempted by, but I went for a soundediting kit instead. If you’ve been near my youtube channel (or my face) you’ll know I have a penchant for making disturbing sounds which would raise Vincent Price from the grave, make him scratch off his ears, and then throw himself under the nearest bus. This may help in my mission to alienate anyone and everyone from anyone and everyone else. Also, I went for a book about zombie because….well, zombies:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0055QPNYM

 

101 Dalmations- Imagine One Hundred And One Anythings Humping Your Leg!

As a monkey lover (not like that you dirty boy! Lol!) I have trouble watching films about animals which don’t feature monkeys. After overcoming this initial disappointment, I sat down to watch this Walter Dizzy classic. The story is about a family who have a hundred Dalmation dogs (the ones which look like zebras) and are entering the American version of Crufts- ‘The Abe Lincoln Sponsored Stars And Stripes Canine Appreciation Gala Contest Bonanza For Dog Breeders Featuring Exciting Races, Daring Obstacles, Grooming Awards, And Stalwart Obedience Show!’ or better known as TALSSASCAGCBFDBFERDOGAASOS! The family hear about a loophole that if someone has 101 dogs of the same breed they automatically win the top prize- the Woofey, and a million one dollar bits. Their dogs are mongrels you see- stupid, ugly, and disobedient. The first part of the show is taken up with the family trying to train their dogs to sit, sleep, run, eat, dance, and sing- this leads to some wonderful hits such as ‘Spot The Wrong’un!’, ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’, ‘Barken’, ‘Oh What A Lovely Bone’ and ‘Get Off My Nice Clean Carpet You Dirty Bitch’. Realising their dogs are useless they try to exploit the loop. Most of the film is taken up by the owners and their lovely children trying to get their puppies to mate so that they reach the target of 101- this led to some questionable scenes which young audiences were not prepared for and the eventual ‘disappearances’ of many of the staff. 40 years later a mass burial site was exhumed where a number of bodies of the staff were found- some with bones inserted in the wrong spot (pardon the puns). Bette Davis spices things up a tad with her portrayal of Cruel Fella D’Evil- a local mobster who went mental when her husband was murdered by the Godfather, Don Niro De Pachinko. She hates the sound of dogs, but loves the taste, and has heard an ancient myth which speaks of ‘the flysh of the one hundred and first born pup shall give eternal life to he who shalt feast of it’. She tries to kidnap number 101 (Ploppy) and eat it, but the other dogs set traps up for her around the house, such as messes under the windows, messes on the hallways, and worst of all, messes on the door handles. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it ends by the plot coming to and end and the credits rolling. Although this was filmed about a hundred (and one!) years ago, the graphics and camera-work are very enticing. Disney were the only studio rich enough back then to make their films in colour, which is why this looks so could compared to other rubbish like Castle Blanka. Unfortunately the unsavoury nature of the plot combined with the toilet humour, and the fact that it was basically a remake of the Nazi propaganda film ‘Eine hundert und eine Rettungen’ or 101 Salvations mean that it makes for inappropriate viewing.

Best Scene: Fred Willard’s humorous commentary throughout the various stages of the dog trials- it was one of his first appearances, at the age of 42.

The Mayan Prophecies- Gerald Benedict

Gerald Benedict’s Mayan Prophecies is the latest in a long list of modern takes on ancient prophecies. The current climate we live in is full of fear-mongers and paranoids who claim that the world is coming to an end, either through global warming (man made or not), war, terrorism, disease, poverty, nukes, zombies, natural disasters, Giant Wasps, aliens, NWO, Jeremy Beadle’s ghost, the return of Christ, etc etc. A perfect time then to release a book of ‘eerily accurate’ prophecies which all point to the world going through a potentially catastophic change in 2012. The book does point out that, according to the prophecies the change will more likely be for the good of humanity (psychic powers..)but that it won’t be without great stress and trouble.

Benedict gives a long, though mostly interesting introduction of Mayan culture- incredibly talented star gazers, builders, and mathmaticians, and explains a little about their society- how their every day life and yearly routines were decided by prophecies guided by the movement of stars. Eventually he gets to the prophecies themselves, a few early ones to show how supposedly accurate they could be- predicting the fall of their own civilisation, and the eventual rise of others.  Soon we read about the predictions for 2012- The Winter Solstice when….something may happen. The return of a God, or the embodiment of Godly wisdom in each of us starting with this date. The problem of course with prophecies is that anyone can make them at any time, and anyone can interpret them any way they please. The prophecies of a wise man or people are only marginally more acceptable than those of a drunk on the street at night.

This should not suggest though that the book isn’t a good read. For those, including myself, with an interest in ancient cultures, the supernatural, or anything remotely apocalyptic, this is interesting and accessible. You don’t need to know too much about the Mayans to understand it, and it is written in a simple fashion. Some of you may even find affinity with some of the prophecies and change your life. Taking the book another way, it can simply be read as another warning that we are hurting the planet and ourselves with our ignorance, passivity, and hatred, and that a few simple changes to our own lifestyle and thoughts could go a long way to making the world a better place. Lovely.

George Harrison MBE (25 February 1943 – 29 November 2001)

‘Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it’s all right’

Beloved Beatle and humanitarian, George Harrison was one of the most famous people of the 20th Century, as one quarter of The Beatles. Going on to further solo success, Harrison found his true calling in the East, following the philosophy and traditions of Hinduism which he would pursue for the rest of his life. An influential guitarist and songwriter, his contributions to The Beatles and his solo efforts only gained greater respect in later years, as critics saw the impact to music which his innovations led to.  

Feel free to share your memories and thoughts of George in the comments section.

Rest In Peace

George Harrison

Joke Of The Day!

Q:What do you call a man with one arm and no sternum?

A: A Dalek!

Amazon Vine Freebies: August 25th 2011

Jeepers! Busy times with life getting in the way of The Spac Hole. Hopefully things will even out soon and I should have internets finally in the new house. So, last week I had to wait until Friday morning before I could check my Amazon freebies from the night before. Obviously that means I missed the most expensive stuff (that’s what everyone goes for first, regardless of what it is or if the person can use it) and I was left with 7 or 8 pages of software and books. Not too many of the books grabbed my interest so I just went for one: Villain, by Shuichi Yoshida and Philip Gabriel. It’s a crime thriller based in Japan so I have high hopes given that I love everything Japanese and I went through a Crime Fiction phase a few years back. Here’s the synposis:

A gripping thriller about the dark heart of Japan. Now a major motion picture.

A young woman is brutally murdered on a remote mountain road. A young construction worker, Yuichi, is on the run – but is he guilty?

This is the dark heart of Japan; a world of seedy sex hotels and decaying seaside towns; a world of loneliness, violence and desperation.

As the police close in on Yuichi and his new lover, the stories of the victim, the murderer and their families are uncovered. But these men and women are never what they appear to be…