Chart Music – 2011

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here –

Greetings, Glancers! Once more we torture ourselves by listening to what passes for music in the hearts, minds, and ears of the great unwashed. Today we go back to a year you should all remember well, because it was only five years ago. In 2011 the world was still in the grip of talentless shows, celeb shows – basically not too different from today in that almost every form of popular media which receives any sort of exposure was glossy, bland, and sexualised to the point that we all wished we could be celibate. I mean, just look at the top 10 below, just look. You don’t need to listen at all, I… I wouldn’t do that to you. But what else was happening? The Arab Spring, the March 11th Tsunami, Occupy Wall Street, William and Kate’s Wedding – all horrific events, so it was no wonder everyone was excited when we found evidence of water on Mars; it’s time to get off this rock! Oh yeah, Bin Laden was killed too.

In the music world, Amy Winehouse, Bert Jansch, Gary Moore, Mike Starr and others died. Adele released her horrible second album, a bunch of people you’ve already forgotten won Brit Awards, Lady Gaga did something, Jeff Hanneman was almost killed by a spider, and Nightwish released both a new album and a tie in movie. Help me out here… did anything else happen? No? Okay then, lets get through this as quickly as possible.

1: Rihanna: We Found Love

I don’t think I’ve actually heard this entire song before, but I know the chorus as it is played EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. It’s a pity Rihanna screeches so badly out of her nose because some of her songs are okay. Terrible speaking. Isn’t this the one where the video was filmed 10 minutes from my parent’s house? So the verse is pretty much the same as the chorus, but with different words. Meh.

2: Maroon 5: Moves Like Jagger.

An absolute travesty. Like injecting shards of glass into your eyeballs and having a badger pull them out. I ain’t linking this.

3: Gym Class Heroes: Stereo Hearts.

I don’t know what this is. High pitched accent disaster. Words. It’s pretty tame. It’s pretty crap. I can imagine plenty singing along to it. Possibly swaying their arms. NEXT!

4: Christina Perri: Jar Of Hearts.

I don’t know who this is. Talky sing. Yes, I’ve heard the chorus. Doesn’t it rip off that Beyonce Halo song? It feels emotional. The bridge isn’t great. PRAMISAYIZ? Promises? Halo-eeo-ooh!

5: LMFAO: Sexy And I Know It.

See number 2. But with a rabid tramp replacing the badger.

6: Matt Cardle: Run For Your Life.

Remember him? Poor Matt. A winner cursed by a win. I’ve never heard this. The verse at least tries something unusual with it’s stoppy, starty beat, but the chorus then turns to X Factor white bread shite.

7: Charlene Soraia: Wherever You Will Go.

Who? Never heard of you. Can’t hear the music. Oh right, I think I’ve head this. Yeah, another one which is used annoyingly on TV ads. Not much to it. Verses too faint, chorus too overplayed. NEXT!

8: Sak Noel: Loca People.

Who? Never heard of ye. Oh here we go. Terrible. NEXT!

9: Ed Sheeran: The A Team.

Another one from this ginger twat. Sullying the good name of the A Team. You’re not Damien Rice. You’re not even chicken curry. That fecking accent. NEXT!

10: One Direction: What Makes You Beautiful


What a mess. Cleanse yourself with these messages from our alternate sponsor:

  1. Nightwish: Rest Calm
  2. Mastodon: Creature Lives
  3. Opeth: Marrow Of The Earth
  4. Alice Cooper: I Am Made Of You
  5. The Music: So Low (yes yes, originally released much earlier)

That’s about it really. We did also get albums from Kate Bush, Radiohead, Chili Peppers, and many more, but I’m just not as familiar with them to pick something great, and without resorting to the bands above I can’t choose anything else. Let me know what else was good in 2011 – there must have been something!?

The Mayan Prophecies- Gerald Benedict

Gerald Benedict’s Mayan Prophecies is the latest in a long list of modern takes on ancient prophecies. The current climate we live in is full of fear-mongers and paranoids who claim that the world is coming to an end, either through global warming (man made or not), war, terrorism, disease, poverty, nukes, zombies, natural disasters, Giant Wasps, aliens, NWO, Jeremy Beadle’s ghost, the return of Christ, etc etc. A perfect time then to release a book of ‘eerily accurate’ prophecies which all point to the world going through a potentially catastophic change in 2012. The book does point out that, according to the prophecies the change will more likely be for the good of humanity (psychic powers..)but that it won’t be without great stress and trouble.

Benedict gives a long, though mostly interesting introduction of Mayan culture- incredibly talented star gazers, builders, and mathmaticians, and explains a little about their society- how their every day life and yearly routines were decided by prophecies guided by the movement of stars. Eventually he gets to the prophecies themselves, a few early ones to show how supposedly accurate they could be- predicting the fall of their own civilisation, and the eventual rise of others.  Soon we read about the predictions for 2012- The Winter Solstice when….something may happen. The return of a God, or the embodiment of Godly wisdom in each of us starting with this date. The problem of course with prophecies is that anyone can make them at any time, and anyone can interpret them any way they please. The prophecies of a wise man or people are only marginally more acceptable than those of a drunk on the street at night.

This should not suggest though that the book isn’t a good read. For those, including myself, with an interest in ancient cultures, the supernatural, or anything remotely apocalyptic, this is interesting and accessible. You don’t need to know too much about the Mayans to understand it, and it is written in a simple fashion. Some of you may even find affinity with some of the prophecies and change your life. Taking the book another way, it can simply be read as another warning that we are hurting the planet and ourselves with our ignorance, passivity, and hatred, and that a few simple changes to our own lifestyle and thoughts could go a long way to making the world a better place. Lovely.