If you read and enjoyed my recent review of the shark movie Swim, or if you indeed, somehow watched and enjoyed that movie, then you’re in for a treat as today we’re talking about another shark movie which is somehow worse. Maybe it’s not worse, but it’s at least as bad. It’s a shame, because the trailer made it look as if it might be a cheaper, less interesting version of The Shallows. It ain’t.
The movie, in grand tradition, starts with a scene of a bikini-clad being gobbled up by a shark. It has little bearing on the plot and exists purely for some early titillation and gore, and to tell us that this is a movie about sharks attacking, in case that wasn’t clear from the movie’s name.
We switch to our central trio – a model, her photographer ex-boyfriend, and his current make-up professional girlfriend. The three are in Florida, heading out to some island to do a photoshoot. Oh look! Michael Madsen is also here, and WTF is going on with his eyes? Like Joey Lawrence in Swim, who was clearly there for two days of filming, Madsen was seemingly called in his own house, on the day, with no forewarning, and told to literally read some dialogue off the email he was just sent. Holy God, the line reading in this movie is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. More on that later.
The island our trio are heading out to is apparently only reachable by canoe, but they decide to go to an even more remote island which is rapidly going under the water due to tides. Foolishly, they are ill-prepared for unfortunate circumstances such as tide-rising and shark-gobbling, neglecting to fully charge their phones or bring walkie-talkies, food, flares, or common sense. Damn millennials, eh? Shortly after arriving at their destination, old Sharky McRipleg shows up with white pubescent flesh on his mind. The water’s rising, the shark is circling, and nobody knows they’re out there.
Luckily, Michael Madsen is here! He’s daddy to one of the trio, a former pilot and all round hero. He’s not your typical hero; he doesn’t resort to such tropes as leaping into action, fashioning a makeshift Bell 222 from old bits and bobs in his garage before hightailing it down to Florida to offer a bullet-hell solution on some protected wildlife, nor does he organize a zany crew of old friends to head out on one last ‘this is suicide’ mission to save his family. No no, instead he elects to sit in his cozee chair, struggle to read explanations of meteorology and co-ordinates to some guy on the phone, take off his glasses, put them back, and occasionally rub his head all the while looking coked off his tits and giving a million mile stare off in the corner where I can only assume the Producers were holding his actual family at gunpoint, yelling ‘just read the damn lines or the puppy gets it’. He does get to mumble things like ‘you’ve been through hell, now you have to go through high water’, which is both terrible and worse than terrible.
This would all be fine if there was some threat and comedy in the movie, but elsewhere it’s just poorly made. Incompetent editing and directing which a simple once-over by another pair of eyes should have been enough to resolve; shots of the island going under the waves, then in the next shot not being touched by water at all, scenes of our survivors supposedly out to sea and struggling to swim yet the camera clearly showing the ground within touching distance of their feet, followed by scenes shot metres below the waves showing their feet way above, and repeated shot after recycled repeated shot of canoes. Our survivors have this good cop bad cop thing going on, with one going above and beyond on the freak out scale, while the other is unreasonably calm. This wouldn’t be so odd if it stayed consistent, but the two switch roles at multiple times, with both trading what I would normally call uncharacteristic sarcastic barbs if either had a character to speak of.
It’s not all bad. We watch these movies not expecting them to be good, or even particularly well made, but because we want to see idiots killed in amusing ways. There’s a bit of that, the ocean shots look nice, the effects aren’t terrible, and outside of whatever is going on with Madsen the performances aren’t the worst. As a Neighbours fan I did enjoy getting to see the same guy who played the villainous Gareth Bateman getting chomped up. On the sliding scale of bad shark movies, this is somewhere in the middle, neither offering the nonsense nor the entertaining silliness of the worst of the bunch. It’s worth watching for Michael Madsen’s new interpretation of the art of acting alone.
Let us know in the comments what you think of Shark Attack!
The Spac Hole 