OLD MAN HERSHEL: Now listen up, everyone. The Lord has felt it necessary to wreak this plague upon us to shame us for our iniquities, but while we still live we need to prepare for the fut- Rick, what on Earth are you doing?
RICK GRIMES: Handstands.
OLD MAN HERSHEL: Han- why are you doing handstands? We’re having a serious discussion about farming, and irrigation, and such.
RICK GRIMES: Yeah I know but, handstands are much more fun. Look – weeeeee!
OLD MAN HERSHEL: Rick, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever – it does look kinda neat though. Let me try. Weeeeeee!
It’s black and white. 2. There are no subtitles. 3. It makes no sense! What we have here is a pile of drunk and drugged art students who found an old camera behind a dumpster and decided to make a film before they passed out. Want to see little girls hiding inside radiators with their mouths filled with golf balls? Want to see her dance? Want to see a little odd chap with funny hair stand in the dark, in the same place without moving for 10 minutes while the camera zooms in and out of his face? This wouldn’t be so bad except his expression stays the same- he looks like he has soiled himself and doesn’t want Mr Lynch to know. But Mr Lynch does know, and there is a game of wits to see who breaks first.
The madness continues- the man who may or may not be married to one, none, or two women is disturbed to learn that he is a father. Of course, these being drunk and drugged hippy art students- the baby is a fish! And not even something pretty like a Salmon, no, this looks like it has been swimming in a toilet all its life. The girl dances in the radiator for a while, the man soils himself again, and the film ends. What was the point? I’m sure the director was making some sort of extraordinarily intelligent and important point about War or George Bush or something, but all I got from it was a sick feeling. I had to skip through all the moments where nothing happens (most of the film) wishing that the man would go crazy and shoot someone, or at least the fish would turn evil and try to eat someone. I like films where lots of things happen, explosions and fights and fast stuff. Nothing of the sort happens here.
This is like picking up a comic only to find that all the pages are black and white, with no pictures or words or X-Men. Luckily no-one has ever heard of this movie. Maybe I’ll give it to that fool Brendan who lives on my street and he can watch it and self combust. Knowing him though, he’ll probably love it. Fool. This film is not right. It is the product of a disturbed mind. It’s like reaching into your wallet and rather than extracting 5 bucks, you pull out 2 burnt sausages. Half eaten.
Best Bit: When it ended and I threw it out the window and I watched some A-Team instead. It took at least until halfway through the 3rd episode till I felt clean again. It was the one where two fire stations are fighting each other for power and Decker is replaced by Briggs (who himself is re-replaced and vanishes mysteriously).