Greetings, Glancers! It’s 1983 – the year I was born. Don’t dox me. As well as the unfortunate error of me being unleashed upon the world, there was also a bunch of terrible movies. Here are a few.
Look, Christine is by no means a bad movie. It’s more that – when you mix my favourite Director with my favourite Author, you expect the result to be the greatest thing ever made. Christine is merely fine – good effects, okay performances, rubbish soundtrack – but it feels like a blip in Carpenter’s peerless run. I like it, but it’s not as good as I want and hope it to be.
English movie comedies, especially in the 80s, are not my thing. They all follow a close formula and they were (and are) not as appealing to me as what was coming out of the US in the same decade, or as what England was producing on the small screen. Educating Rita is better than most, but there’s a very limited enjoyment I can get from this as a piece of entertainment.
The Jaws series gets a bad rap. The original is one of the best films ever made – any sequel would struggle to match it. Jaws 2 is a very good film and remains the second best shark movie of all time. The third and fourth movies are genuinely awful. I’ve seen 3D multiple times, and while the 3D stuff is dated and laughable now, it’s just such a step down in quality. It looks cheap, the performances and characters are bland, and the story is muddled – a shame because I loved the idea of the shark in a water park idea.
When I was first getting into movies as a ‘serious’ thing, not just as a viewer for entertainment but as someone who wanted to understand the movie-making process and who the people who made movies are, I had my go to list of directors, writers, and performers. When you make such a list, if there are names who made films before you were born or at a time before you took movies seriously, chances are there’s at least one film on that list which sounds like a hidden gem which you must track down at all costs because it sounds like just the sort of thing you’ll love. For me and John Carpenter, that was Body Bags. For me and Michael Mann, it was The Keep. Maybe I hyped the film up too much in my own mind, but how could a film directed by the guy who made Heat, a Horror film about Nazi’s being besieged by an ancient supernatural force in a castle straight out of Dracula possibly be bad?
The film is a mess. As it currently stands. Somewhere out there, rumour has it that there is both a 2 hour plus, and a 3 hour plus version of the film. Now, those could simply drag out the torture, or they could fill in the holes in the story so that the thing makes sense and becomes scary/interesting. We may never know.
Never Say Never Again
We can all agree that Die Another Day is the nadir when it comes to Bond movie, but the unofficial Never Say Never Again comes quite close. Basically a remake of Thunderball updated for the 80s with a sexier actress and a more geriatric Connery, the selling point was of course that Connery was playing 007 again. Even with the talent involved, it somehow feels cheaper than the mainstream Bond series, and there’s just less of everything which makes me love those films. It’s a shame Basinger never made it over to the main series, and I would have liked see Atkinson appear there too, even though he’s not great in this.
I mean, credit to Streisand for making the thing, but it’s just not my kind of thing. Too much singing, too much theatre… just too much.
Let us know your least favourite movies of 1983 in the comments!
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