As one bearded old freak once said – ‘IT’S CHRIIIISSSTMAAAAASSSSS!’. Yes kiddies, it’s the festive season again, with snow, presents, bearded men, stupid fucking jumpers, mulled wine, turkey, crackers, Bond movies, Christmas movies, and of course Christmas music. As it’s the season of giving, I’ve decided to give you three, count ’em, three slices of lyrical hilarity – one old, one new, and one you may not know. I hope you enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas.
I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday
Bearded freaks, Wizzard, created what is arguably the greatest Christmas song ever in 1973, one with festive joy and nostalgia dripping from every note. This will take you on a trip back to your childhood faster than a DeLorean.
The Original
When the snowman brings the snow, Well, you just might like to know
He’s put a great big smile On somebody’s face
If you jump into your bed, Quickly cover up your head
Well, don’t you lock the doors, You know that sweet Santa Claus Is on the way
Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day. When the kids start singing and the band begins to play
Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day And let the bells ring out for Christmas
When we’re skating in the park If the storm cloud paints it dark
Then your rosy cheek’s Gonna light my merry way
Now the frosty paws appear And it’s frozen up to here
So we’ll lie by the fire Til’ the sleep simply melts ’em all away
Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day When the kids start singing and the band begins to play
Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day (Christmas every day)
And let the bells ring out for Christmas
When the snowman brings the snow Well, he just might like to know
He’s put a great big smile On somebody’s face
So if Santa brings that sleigh (Santa brings that sleigh) All along the Milky Way
I’ll sign my name on the rooftop in the snow Then he may decide to stay
Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day (Ooh, don’t you know that)
When the kids start singing and the band begins to play
Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day (Christmas every day)
And let the bells ring out for Christmas
The Translation
Snowman when you switch your eyes, well, you might like to know
He will put a big smile on someone’s face
If you jump in your bed, cover up your hair quickly
Well you lock the door, you know you are in a sweet way to Santa Claus
Well, I wish I could be Christmas every day. Children are when you start singing and the band begins to play
Oh, it’s what I want you to ring the bell on Christmas day and Christmas number
If the storm clouds are dark colors when we skate in the park
Then the lights on my merry way soon rosy cheeks
Now appears to frosty and frozen here
Away from all of them, sleep simply melting ‘Til So we lay by the fire,
Well, I wish kids start singing and the band begins to play when it could be Christmas every day
Oh, I wish I could be Christmas every day (Christmas day)
Let’s ring the bell and Christmas
When you provide a snowman snow Well, he might just want to know
He will put a big smile on someone’s face
So if you provide the sleigh Santa (Santa gives a sleigh) All along the Milky Way
I may decide that he stayed to sign my name in the snow on the roof.
Well, I (Oh, do not you know) is wish I could be the Christmas day
When children start singing and the band begins to play
Oh, I wish I could be Christmas every day (Christmas day)
Let’s ring the bell and Christmas
The WTF
Aside from the lyricist being confused over what Christmas actually is (I wish I could be Christmas every day), there sadly isn’t a lot of hilarity or confusion on offer. The only dubious piece comes near the end, with Santa possibly leaving his (yellow) mark in the snow on your roof after having one sherry too many.
All I want For Christmas Is You
One of the few great Christmas songs by a female vocalist, for some reason, is an anti-commercial ode to love. Unless of course she’s singing about an actual baby, in which case the song takes on an entirely depressing meaning.
The Original
I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true, All I want for Christmas is you, yeah.
I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need
And I don’t care about the presents Underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stocking There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy With a toy on Christmas Day
I just want you for my own More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true All I want for Christmas is you. You, baby
Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas I won’t even wish for snow
And I’m just gonna keep on waiting Underneath the mistletoe
I won’t make a list and send it To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won’t even stay awake to Hear those magic reindeer click
‘Cause I just want you here tonight Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do? Baby, all I want for Christmas is you You, baby
Oh, all the lights are shining So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?
Won’t you please bring my baby to me?
Oh, I don’t want a lot for Christmas This is all I’m asking for
I just want to see my baby Standing right outside my door
Oh, I just want you for my own More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true Baby, all I want for Christmas is you You, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby. All I want for Christmas is you, baby
All I want for Christmas is you, baby. All I want for Christmas is you, baby
The Translation
I do not want a lot for Christmas. There is one thing I want.
I do not care about the presents under the Christmas tree.
I am more than that. I just want you to know that you.
All I want for Christmas Yeah, you, you realize my wish.
I do not want a lot for Christmas. There is one thing I want.
And I do not care about the presents under the Christmas tree.
I do not need to stop my stockings on the fireplace.
Santa Claus will not make me happy with a toy on Christmas.
I am more than that. I just want you to know that you.
I make all my wishes. Christmas gift is right for you. You, Baby.
Oh, I do not wish even do not require a lot of snow this Christmas.
And I‘m just going to continue waiting under the mistletoe.
I made a list does not transfer to the North Pole of St. Nick.
I do not watch those magic reindeer click.
“I want them caught me so tight Cause tonight you
How can I do better? Baby, I want for Christmas is you, baby.
Oh, all the lights are shining So brightly shining.
The laughter of children fills the air.
And all the people that I hear sleigh bells ringing song.
Santa, you do not really have any need for me?
♪ I hope you‘d take me?
Oh, I do not want a lot for Christmas. This is because I want to do is
I just want to see my baby Standing right outside my looks
Oh, you‘re more than just those that you know.
My wish is to provide a baby, I want for Christmas is you baby to you.
I want for Christmas baby, you. All I want for Christmas is you, baby.
I want for Christmas baby, you. All I want for Christmas is you, baby.
The WTF
Mariah, once a lovely, pure creature, has morphed over time into a monstrous diva caricature with opinions and music which beg to be ignored. In her translated lyrics above, she becomes frighteningly forthright and decisive. There is no beating around the bush here, thanks to such simple changes as removing the apostrophe from ‘don’t’ to make ‘do not’. In what seems to be a startling rejection of all that glitters, she claims that she does not want presents because she is ‘more than that’. Whilst seeming aloof, it is refreshing to see a pop star abandoning the desire for hollow riches and proclaiming that self-worth is more important.
But, what’s that? There is still one thing she does want, but she toys with us throughout the song as to what it could be. As we move along we begin to see patterns – what is all this vague talk about ‘you, baby’? It isn’t clear that she is singing about her need for love, or even her need for a baby, as mentioned earlier. It becomes clear that she is not happy with Santa – there is disdain in the line ‘North Pole of St Nick’, and outright anguish in ‘Santa, you do not really have any need for me? ♪ I hope you‘d take me?‘ What has clearly happened here is that Mariah has offered her services as either an elf or a love to Santa, but that he has spurred her advances and unveiled her inner bunny boiler. So what she wants for Christmas is revenge! And she’s going to use her own baby to get it? I don’t understand.. she’s going to give her own baby away, and explains this in caveman speak – me, baby (hands baby over) you, baby. ‘My wish is to provide a baby, I want for Christmas is you baby to you.’ Arrggghh!
Christmas Ghost
An unexpected freebie single from the band which gave us such previous festive treats as ‘Die In The Summertime’, this is a vastly underrated Christmas treat – underrated in that no-one aside from a diehard Manics fan will have heard it. Hitting all the notes of all the great British Christmas songs from your childhood, but with the cynical Manics twist, it’s a fast paced trip through Christmas as you remember it. As expected (at least as used to be the case) the lyrics are brilliant on their own. It will be interesting to see how they fare when translated.
The Original
Christmas day, stuck in the seventies. Play all day with your Scalectrics
Oh my god, I got a tomahawk. How sweet life can be
No X-Box and no computers. We just used our imagination
A leather football was perfection. What more could you want?
Sleep through the Queen’s speech ‘Cause it means nothing to me
Zulu’s on, the Milk Tray’s out So it must be love
The ghost of Christmas has come. The ghost of Christmas has come
Hot Wheels on the dinner table. Too much sherry with mum unstable
She’s acting like Evil Knievel. Oh yes, I am blessed
Drink some sparkling wine. Watch Morecambe and Wise
Christmas Top of the Pops. Thank God, the world has stopped
The ghost of Christmas has come. The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come. The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come. The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come. The ghost of Christmas has come
The Translation
Christmas day, stuck in the ’70s. Play with your whole day Scalectrics
Oh my God, I have an ax. How sweet life can be
There is no X box computer. We use our imagination
Leather football was perfect. Can you do better?
Sleep through the Queen’s speech ‘Cause no sense to me.
The line of the lure, the milk tray out, So be sure to love
Christmas came a ghost. Christmas came a ghost
Hot Wheels at the dinner table. Unstable mother and so much Sherry
She’s like Evil Knievel‘s actions. Oh yes, I am blessed
Drink some sparkling wine. View Morecambe Wise
Christmas Best Dad. Thank God, the world stops
Christmas came a ghost. Christmas came a ghost
Christmas came a ghost. Christmas came a ghost
Christmas came a ghost. Christmas came a ghost
Christmas came a ghost. Christmas came a ghost
The WTF
It’s another song with the lyricist getting confused over what Christmas actually is – with the recurring ‘Christmas came, a Ghost’ making matters spooky. It all starts well, with the original line being mirrored, but then we get ‘On my God, I have an ax’ which takes things in a more horrifying direction. In fact, Christmas presents here appear to be an invitation to murder throughout the song – ‘Leather football was perfect. Can you do better?’ And how does ‘Zulu’ translate to ‘the line of the lure’? And what a line of lure? Is this something to do with fishing? Or some trap set up to murder more hapless victims. Have you ever seen the British Horror Film called Mum And Dad? It’s an excuse for torture, but features some entertaining Christmas kills. The lyrics are reminiscent of that movie. I’m not sure if ‘So much Sherry’ refers to the drink, or some girl called Sherry who has been split all over the place. It all comes to an abrupt end, with the dramatic ‘Thank God, the world stopped’ which is as good an ending line for a book as I’ve ever read.
