UK Top 40 # 2 – 1

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Well, we’ve finally made it. It took me a long time to finally find a song worth hearing more than once, and I think we’ve proven that chart music is (still) mostly garbage, pandering to flavour of the month styles, with style over substance, a shocking lack of melody and emotion, an unsurprising lack of invention and talent, and an infatuation with sex. Sex is awesome, but we’ve been doing it since the dawn of time and there’s a whole world out there with an endless range of things to sing about. Why not sing about hate? Why not sing about science, politics, education, movies, toilets, facial disfigurement, dog crap, the curious feeling of peace we get when staring cross-eyed at a wall, how one sock in a distinct pair always gets a hole in it long before the other, what it would feel like to dip a finger into lava, how railworkers are allowed and expected to strike yet the rest of us can’t, how sometimes a finger nail will get trapped between your teeth when you use it instead of a toothpick or floss, how sometimes you just can’t be fucked, how sometimes you wonder why you were ever friends with someone, how sometimes you wonder how a twat like you even has any friends, why beer tastes different last thing at night versus first thing in the morning, about supressing primal, natural urges to steal, pillage, and hurt others, about the smell of books, about cool hiding places, about fears, about needlessly run-on sentences, about the state of chart music. Those are universal. There you go, it took me about 57 seconds to think of those and type them. Come on kids, congratulations for having working sexual organs but there’s more to life than slapping them together. I think.

2: Locked Away – R City (never heard of you)


Decent melody to start. Silent moment. Clicking beats instead of anything real. A fairly good song with an actual chorus, just too cheesy and destined to be dated with all the manufactured crap. I know I sound like an old fool, but there are plenty of songs and artists I adore you use nothing but manufactured crap, this is used in such a generic uninspired way that it adds nothing and in fact takes away what is basically a good song. It thinks it’s about love, but it’s really about sex.

1: What Do You Mean – Justin Beiber (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Here we go, the first Beiber song I’ve ever heard. Clocking. Steeky chav noises. Weak dance beats. Laughable vocals. Average melody, but probably catchy after a few listens. Moaning about those wacky women who dare to have their own thoughts and decisions. It’s not bad, but it’s very far from good. I assume this is Beiber branching out into ‘more mature’ territory. It’s about wanting to have sex and getting stroppy when someone says no.

So, a better than expected final couple of songs, but not enough to sway me – Chart music was mostly crap in the 80s, 90s, 2000s, but at least we had various waves of decent music and artists who became popular enough to chart, and we had actual pop music pioneers in the 80s, and to a lesser extent the 90s. Am I old? No, I think the only valid conclusion to draw is that I’ve always listened to awesome music – from childhood, through adolescence, and into this mockery of maturity – just that yes I do have less time to actually hunt for new music that I’d like when I know I can fall back on old favourites, or new albums by people I already like. If you want to recommend any new artists to me, let me know in the comments. Emotion, passion, and talent are the most important things for me when it comes to music, followed by melody and how memorable the song feels to me. Know anything that fits the bill – share!

UK Top 40 # 8 – 7

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Will we ever get a good song? I’m a big Bond fan and I haven’t heard this new Bond song yet – can’t be much worse than Skyfall surely….

8: On My Mind – Elle Goulding (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Noises. More noises. The Police. Catchy enough verse, catchy enough verse, but stupidly repetitive and needlessly long. Vocals and melody are a little monotone. There’s the mandatory silent moment. Ooh, a bridge, is that the first one in the Top 40? Well, it didn’t last or add anything. Throw the chorus in there for another minute. Pretty poor stuff again. It appears to be about sex.

7: Writing’s On The Wall – Sam Smith (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Big jazzy, Bond-like opening. Lonesome piano. I don’t like his voice. Suitably melancholy. Good chorus. Vocals much better when he hits the higher notes. Considerably better than Skyfall. I do actually like it. It’s pretty entertaining reading the youtube comments – every song on this Top 40 has had 90% love comments, but this one has 90% hate – naturally it turns out it’s the only song so far I’d happily listen to again.

Let me know in the comments what you think of these ones!

*Note – I wrote this post in the middle of October before Spectre had been released

UK Top 40 # 12 – 11

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We’re within smelling distance of the Top 10 now and so far my opinion of chart music and your opinion of me has decreased. Lets see if we can change at least one of those opinions.

12: Alone No More – Philip George & Anton Powers (never heard of you)


Chaos noise. Chav beats. Ibiza. So this crap is still around. As I’ve mentioned already, chart dance music seems to have a better grasp of melody that anything else in the charts. This is not exactly catchy, but it has something. Again, this could have been written and recorded in the early 90s, there is absolutely nothing new here. Not that I expect each new artist to bring something new of course. I imagine this is good for dancing too whilst chewing your face off, but it is not good for anything else. It appears to be about sex.

11: How Deep Is Your Love – Calvin Harris (Everything I’ve heard has been crap)

Bass. Weak beats. Annoying singing. Like above, there is nothing new here from what was being churned out to braindead chavs in the early 90s. Of course it’s catchy, but no more so than an advertisement jingle for a Bank. Robot voices. Music for barfing in a dank stall to. It appears to be about sex.

Nope. Let us know in the comments.

UK Top 40 # 14 – 13

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14: Downtown – Mackelmore (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)


Pianos. More pianos and horns. Words. Beats. More words. I’d need to listen a few times to catch the lyrics. Softer singing. Too many words and zero interesting music. It’s basically a crap 5th grade poem recited to the sound of the school bell ringing. It’s probably about sex.

13: Can’t Feel My Face – The Weekend (never heard of you)

Ok introduction. But yet again, another song that builds up to an anti-chorus. This must be the scourge of modern music. It’s ok to do it as a one-off, if there’s a purpose, but it’s nonsense when 80% of the music in the charts is doing the same thing. It’s another lame attempt at sounding like Jackson, but without any of the emotion, ingenuity, or originality. Vocals are fine, melodies are bland and forgettable. It appears to be about sex.

What do you think? Let us know!

UK Top 40 # 16 – 15

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16: Kiss Me – Olly Murs (everything I’ve heard has been crap)


I’m sure he’s a nice enough fella, but he also seems like someone you’d never get tired of punching. The hair, the face, the voice, the Essex – everything about him screams ‘hate me’. ‘I want to love you. Give you that loving baby’. I mean, what’s the point? Thousands of years of the written word and that’s the best we can come up with? It feels like something Michael Jackson would have coughed up while dropping one in the trap before realizing that it was beneath anything he would consider writing. The chorus is a little catchy, everything else is upbeat, uptempo crap. It appears to be about sex.

15: Lay It All On Me – Rudimental (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Generic single piano dance notes. Ok vocals, keeping the usual accent crap away. There is a chorus, but it’s barren of quality. I don’t know if can get to number one at this rate. It has restored my faith in knowing that chart music is almost exclusively awful. The 2000s were bad, this is equally terrible.  It appears to be about sex.

Does anyone know of any good recent chart music – Pop, dance, or other? Let me know in the comments!

UK Top 40 # 18 -17

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18: Marvin Gaye – Charlie Puth (Never heard of you)


Is this going to sully Gaye’s name? Well, they have made him a verb. 50s candy store rock. This guy looks like a complete twat. Vocals are ok, a distinct lack of melody apart from that single line. More with the spittle drums.That Trainor woman has a smackable face too, with her tongue always creeping out through her teeth and her twee, soulless non-kawaii eyes. This is cheesy pap, not even catchy enough to mention. Gaye is rolling in his grave. It appears to be about sex.

17: Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself – Jess Glynne – (never heard of you)

No no no no no no no no. Terrible vocals. Yes, yes I’m sure you can sing but sort out the accent accentuation. Well, at least it’s fast and it does have an actual chorus without any of the anti-chorus crap. It does of course have the silent moment before the chorus, as is mandatory. There’s a good song in here, just tone down the crap and you’ll be ok. It’s about thinking you’re not very good at sex.

What does everyone make of these songs – good, bad, indifferent? Let us know in the comments!

UK Top 40 – # 20 – 19

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Well glancers, we’re over halfway through our countdown of the ‘best’ music the world has to offer, and so far it’s safe to assume that if we were all wiped out by a nuke it would be no great loss.

20: Love Me – The 1975 (never heard of you)

What a dreadful name for a band. Aaand it sounds like INXS. Being chased by ghosts in a Scooby doo episode. It’s certainly different from every other song on the charts so far, so thumbs up for that. But it’s more 80s throwback junk. It actually reminds me of the other brother from The Delays singing – it has that funky flavour along with the drop in quality when he sings instead of Greg. I suspect this one will get played to death on UK radio and completely drain it of whatever goodness it may have. It’s not about sex (except for when it is)

19: Never Forget You – MNEK & Zara Larsson (never heard of you)


Again with the crappy vocals. Sounding exactly like everyone else. And surprise surprise, we even get a silent moment pre-chorus, followed by an anti-chorus. As generic as it possibly gets, sounding identical to all the other weak chart crap we’ve covered already here. It’s a pity, because that climbing vocal in the verse has potential, but aside from those moments the rest is shockingly derivative, boring, insipid puddle music. It’s about not having sex anymore.

What do you think of these songs? Is there any hope? For chart music? For me?

UK Top 40 # 26 -25

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We’re deep into the top 30 now, the destitute bog-land where hopeful one hit wonders come to shudder briefly and die.

26: Trap Queen – Fetty Wap (never heard of you)

I hope this is about toilets, will make a change from all the sex songs. Unless it’s about toilet sex. Noises. Weak-ass clicking beats. Some sort of vocals. No melody. Quadruple the beats for the chorus, but still as weak as ever. Excruciatingly poor. It’s basically a joke that no-one needs to hear, that no-one will ever laugh at, no matter how stoned, all set to the sound of a soggy plastic bag drifting over a broken fence. It appears to be about sex. And drugs. Edgy.

25: Intoxicated – Martin Solveig (never heard of you)


With a name like a Blackburn Rovers goalkeeper, I’m not expecting much from this. Holy chirping shit squawks, an actual thumping beat. Now, the rest of the song is about as poor as you could possibly imagine, but at least it has an actual beat. No real melody to speak of, poor vocals, repetitive, and hitting every single dance cliché known to man. That’s quite enough. It appears to be about sex.

Do people still listen to dance music? Not good dance music, but crap like the crap above. For pleasure? For pain? Let us know in the comments.

UK Top 40 # 28 – 27

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We’re into the Top 30 now, the songs apparently best representative of humanity’s finest musical achievements in the year of Cthulu 2015.

28: Ain’t Nobody – Felix Jaehn (Never heard of you, but I think I’ve heard this and it is one of the worst covers I’ve ever heard)

Not that the original was a great song, but it was far from bad. This is just terrible. I’m struggling to get through it all. It’s watered down pap, ripping off a decent melody, adding some generic beats, and putting in a bland vocalist who can barely string two notes together without reminding us that she’s from Town X and has to warble and gasp at every turn. This is the opposite of music. Why do people still sing like this? Well, aside from the fact that it hides the fact that you can’t actually sing, and because everyone else sang in the same style for a while. It conveys no emotion, like the husk of a beetle gliding silently out of earth’s orbit. Singers should wring each note from the pits of their souls, not simply yawn to the rhythm. What is it now with dance music being so light and airy – I used to mock dance music for having such ridiculous bass thumps, but that was considerably better than this toilet paper thin wafting. Why does it go on for four minutes? It gets it’s point across in around forty seconds, and does nothing else for the remaining time. Anyway, it’s shit. And it appears to be about sex.

27: Lean On – Major Lazer x DJ Snake (never heard of you)

Building up to be another weak dance track. Vocals building well… aaaaand it falls apart. Pop pop, weakness. Dreadful noises in the chorus, but catchy nevertheless. The vocals in the verse, well I can’t say they’re good but at least they are not weak or breathy. But she sounds no different from a hundred other singers. It’s entirely throwaway rubbish, nothing memorable, listen once and bin.

Does anyone like this stuff? Do I shit in the woods? Let us know in the comments!

UK Top 40 # 30 – 29

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Isn’t it time One Direction were replaced by a younger, fresher faced group, leaving the boys to a life of drug-rehab and celeb guest appearances on shows such as Come Swine With Me and others that no-one watches before a reunion tour in ten years before fading into obscurity? I think so.

30: Drag Me Down – One Direction (What I’ve heard has been crap)

 You know, I actually feel a little dirty listening to all this kiddy crap. But I’m doing it for you, dammit! You, the glancing public! And of course, I still live in hope of finding something good. Come on kids, raise the bar. If you stop buying this crap, people will have to do better, try harder. Anyway, fake vocals, embarrassing lyrics, and thrown in some accent-accentuation and poor harmonies. It’s a pity as there are a few good melodic moments in there. No, no clapping please. And it falls completely into the anti-chorus trap – builds up and then falls apart instead of taking off. In the hands of an actual talented person, this might sound ok. It’s about feeling invincible (after sex).

29: Are You With Me – Lost Frequencies (Never heard of you)


Didn’t we hear this already? Sounds like one of the previous guitar based songs. But with added weak-ass beats that sound like spit on a window, and terrible vocals. It’s a by the numbers dance track, complete with underwater section, but with absolutely no bass or energy. I’ll concede that it’s catchy, but it’s just so tame and weak. It appears to be about sex.

Let us know in the comments if you enjoyed these songs, or if you had to douse your ears with cement.