Nightman Games – Medey-evil Quest!

The undisputed champions of this past E3, Nightman Games is bringing the first of its newly announced AAA games to all High-Definition consoles. Medy-evil Quest combines stunning grafix with equally stunning sounds, and now you can control this game completely controlerlessly, thanks to the game’s in-built Move-7 chip. Simply think, and your character will move, and the story will unfold.

The story sees you as the nameless Knightman Edgar, a roaming Knight who must use his special potato powers to reclaim Camelot after an Alien Invasion. This open-world games means you can play your way – choose to follow the individual plot missions, or traverse the countryside and play the countless (12) min-games, such as Joust, Joust 2, Witch Dunking, And Reverse Joust 2. Band together with fellow Merry Men online, and use your combined harvester skills to increase your potato power. Spend real life money on wenches and ale in the game’s many (3) taverns, and share tales of high adventure with travellers you meet along the way.

Using authentic speech from the Medieval period (1979- July 1804), and costumes designed by Edith Head, it is the most realistic castle roaming adventure since Mario Bros 19 – Bowser’s Arse. Arriving on all consoles next week for a price of $89.99.90, this is destined to be one of the hits of the summer. To help get those pre-orders in, here is an exclusive unreleased screenshot:

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Season In The (Sun) Abyss. Land Of Ire.

Summer time is upon us.    Rejoice!                                                                                                                                    Pretty boys are in short skirts, bees are chasing children, and everywhere the sunshine smiles.                                                                                                                   Where do you going for your holiday vacation?                                                                 Hawaian?American?                                                                                                                          Spainan?           Carribea?                                                                                                                                  Those are all a good, but a better good is on your doorstep.      Yes.                                                                                                                                            Ireland. Come To Ireland.                                                                                                  There is a North and a South, but no West or East, except in Belfast (which is not right).                                                                                                                                             The land of Leprachauns.                                                                                                        The land where giants cause ways and sheep are better than women.             Visit our famous cities: Newtownards, Portavogie, Aughnacloy, and now Strabane!                                                                                                                                       Come on on in and see what we bees havin for ye.                                                 Sights which your eyes will not believe and your eyes will not stomach.                                                                                                                                    There is the Scappo Tower, The Mourning Mountains, Jesus and Goliath where the big ship disaster was made.                                    

Kiss the Bloody Stone and get three wishes and leprosy.                                      Also, with added tramps, the walled village for Londerrydon. Lododnerry. Derrylon. Londodnerry- I don’t know- the place which is not a place.       

You too can throw brick at the RUNI.                                                                              

We have many famous and not welcome people, like Julian- now on the UTV, heart surgeon Dr. Paisley, local buffon Stephen Carton, and visit the grave of the best footballer of ever- Donald Goalposts.                                                            Yes, we have all the things; Sun, Sea, no Sand, and Sexies.                                                                                                                                         Come to Northern Ireland. Come To Southern Ireland. Come To Here-Land.

Jeepers Creepers II: I’m A Creep! I’m A Weirdy!

Jinkies! Yes, the Creep is back in this sequel once again starring Thom Yorke as some sort of prehistoric bat-man. Holy Cow! After the events of the first film (which I don’t remember), Thom has been in hiding, feasting on various bones and bits of skin from the human bounty he has recently collected. Gorging himself on such treats causes him to become a bloated mess of his former self and he drops into a deep hibernation. In this sleep known as REM he is able to construct other wordly sounds and lyrics in his fuddled brain so that when he wakes he can record them using strange musical instruments like the Bowafridgeaphone, theramin, and of course staples. A year passes and Thom wakes, ready to unleash another classic. Unfortunately on his way to the record company headquarters he is attacked by a bus filled with Jocks and cheerleaders. Remembering how he was bullied in school, and having a general fear of motorised transport (explaining why he has wings) he decides to kill them all. Thus starts a battle between this foul creature and all the idiotic teens who try to find out the origins of the creature so they can kill it.

I think that this was meant to be a horror film, but it seemed more like a documentary from the Biography channel or Animal Planet. Thom is good once again as Batman, but doesn’t get to show off his marvellous vocal range in many scenes. Most of the time he just pops in through a window to bite someone, or flies in to carry off an unsuspecting victim when they’re squeezing one out in a cornfield. The other people are the usual assortment of school idiots and you cheer as each one is brutally murdered. Music is of course provided by Yorke’s side project ‘Prophetic Nipple Device Incident’ and it is suitably weird. Most of it is just him screaming incomprehensible phrases, and rubbing his bare arms along a variety of surfaces, from felt, to coal, to ice cream covered in dead flies.

Best Scene: When the top of the bus is ripped off and Thom sticks his head in and shrieks ‘NO SURPRISES PLEASE!’ before twisting off one passenger’s head like a stem from an apple.