Jeepers Creepers II: I’m A Creep! I’m A Weirdy!

Jinkies! Yes, the Creep is back in this sequel once again starring Thom Yorke as some sort of prehistoric bat-man. Holy Cow! After the events of the first film (which I don’t remember), Thom has been in hiding, feasting on various bones and bits of skin from the human bounty he has recently collected. Gorging himself on such treats causes him to become a bloated mess of his former self and he drops into a deep hibernation. In this sleep known as REM he is able to construct other wordly sounds and lyrics in his fuddled brain so that when he wakes he can record them using strange musical instruments like the Bowafridgeaphone, theramin, and of course staples. A year passes and Thom wakes, ready to unleash another classic. Unfortunately on his way to the record company headquarters he is attacked by a bus filled with Jocks and cheerleaders. Remembering how he was bullied in school, and having a general fear of motorised transport (explaining why he has wings) he decides to kill them all. Thus starts a battle between this foul creature and all the idiotic teens who try to find out the origins of the creature so they can kill it.

I think that this was meant to be a horror film, but it seemed more like a documentary from the Biography channel or Animal Planet. Thom is good once again as Batman, but doesn’t get to show off his marvellous vocal range in many scenes. Most of the time he just pops in through a window to bite someone, or flies in to carry off an unsuspecting victim when they’re squeezing one out in a cornfield. The other people are the usual assortment of school idiots and you cheer as each one is brutally murdered. Music is of course provided by Yorke’s side project ‘Prophetic Nipple Device Incident’ and it is suitably weird. Most of it is just him screaming incomprehensible phrases, and rubbing his bare arms along a variety of surfaces, from felt, to coal, to ice cream covered in dead flies.

Best Scene: When the top of the bus is ripped off and Thom sticks his head in and shrieks ‘NO SURPRISES PLEASE!’ before twisting off one passenger’s head like a stem from an apple.

Highlander- Tastier Than A Sheep’s Stomach

‘I am the Krug! Hear me roar!’ says the bad guy. ‘Heh heh heh- I don’t think so’ replies Lambear. ‘Yesh- the namesh Ssean- Ssean Connerah’. Says Sean Connery. Yesh, Highlander features these three peoples in an interesting take on the old good versus evil battle. There are sword fights, time travels, horses all mixed up in this tale of action, honour, romance, and immortality. Christopher ‘Rain Man’ Lambert plays Jimmy O’ McGreggor, a Kilt wearing Haggis bandit of Ye Olde Scotland. The film begins with his life over 5000 years ago. He is a simple Scotsman, a follower of Braveheart like everyone else and has a beautiful wench. His town is attacked one evening by Geordies and he is stabbed in the heart, dying in the arms of his belovely. After mourning his loss however he returns from the dead, but this time he is alive! He tries to join his family and friends again but they are zombiephobes and cast him out for witcherycraft. He decides to travel down to London as he heard the streets are paved with gold and he can start a new life. On the way though he meets an eccentric old Grandaddy who tells him that, like himself, he is an immortal who can only be killed by losing his head or his temper. These immortals have been fighting each other for weeks and one day the survivor will win a medal. Thus begins a training regime and a hundred year battle against a fellow immortal known as Clive.

This film has some pretty screen shots of the Scattish lowlands, places I would like to visit such as Lock Ness, Lock Spurrin, and Lock Lockland Lough. Kristoffer is a charming newcomer in his first film, his head like a giant light bulb turned off. It is nice to see Shaugn Commeray coming out of retirement for his first film since 1961’s Live And Live Die. He would go onto greater success the following year as the mad scientist in Jurassic Park. Also, Lost favourite Ron Perlman stars as The Crumb- a fierce fighter who would give Arnie’s Conan sword skills a run for their money. Overall this is a good film which I would recommend to Bankers and Firework Company employees.

Best Scene: When Lambread and Coventry are frolicking together in the waters of New Lock Gloghensborough in authentic 17th Century pantaloons. I recently got myself a pair and this Summer I plan to try them out in the local duck pond

Wait Until Dark- Should Be Banned

This is a quite frankly horrible film which should never have been made. I love horror movies, but this can only be the product of a mind of a monster; a creature which crawled from the rivers of Hades, created by the wrong juices of Satan; a creature without a body, a blob of corruption which was eaten rectally by every murderer and rapist there has ever who in turn sweated out something worse; the sweat then grouped together like T-1000 and was given shape; a shape unimaginable by human eyes; a shape to make the newborn crawl back; a shape to make the insane crazy; a shape, for argument’s sake which we will call Simone Cowell. This ungodly thing decided to make one movie before imploding, a movie so dark you need eyes of sunlight to watch it; A movie so sick that it wasn’t filmed, it was vomited forth. And to top things off, they forced the beautiful Audie Hepburn (singer of Kiss Me) to star in it. Only watch this if you have no eyes, ears, or brain.

Audrey stars as a blind woman who lives alone in a new apartment.

Best Scene: I really can’t find anything to recommend this. It is the second most horrifying thing ever created. Second only to UB40.

Psycho- MAMMY! Billy got his arm stuck down the sink!

This film was based on one of Shakespeare’s ‘Psychological Horror Trilogy’, usually known collectively as “Ye Old Pant Soilers”. Now, I’ve studied brain studies, human behaviours, etc, and I have over a year’s experience in this area. Shakespeare’s three plays were quite primitive, and not very insightful (they were towards the end of his career and he had become a well known loon and bum pinching pest by this time. ‘Oh look, here comes Willy, swinging his namesake’ people would shout fondly). Psycho is probably the best of the three (Le Deux Idiottes and Weirdo being the other two), and features his usual spark for language and quips.

Albert Hitchcock adapts the novel into what has somehow become known as one of the scariest films of all times. Now, I like a scare as much as the next person who likes a scare as much, but not too much or I can’t sleep. You’d expect a film with such plaudits to have at least one scary point, or maybe a section involving terror, but this HAS NONE! I wasn’t scared et al! There were no ghosts, zombies, vampires, not even a werewolf. There was a mummy, but that was a HUGE let down, she wasn’t even wearing bandages. I know recent films like The Mummy have shown mummies to be made of sand and be bullet proof which is OK, but this thing was just silly. I had to laugh. Ha ha ha, ha HA HA HA. Heh heh heh. That’s the way I laughed. I admit that the house was quite spooky- I for one wouldn’t like to spend a night there- I wouldn’t be able to sleep! But Hitchcack didn’t exploit this opportunity. Anyway, now I’ll tell you about the story if you don’t already know. A man has a terrible secret- He is in his 30s and lives with his mummy. He can’t share this secret with anyone in case they laugh at him, and his mummy doesn’t like him talking to girls as she knows how they laugh. He owns a hotel, and is in contact with girls everyday, so preventing his secret is a daily struggle. One day a particularly pretty girl comes to stay, she is so pretty that his mind breaks and he goes on a rampage, killing all the people in the hotel one by one until only Miss Pretty remains. Foolishly though, she decides to hide in the house. Unfortunately Mummy wakes up, and she’s hungry! There are a few coolish moments here, but most are spoiled- when we finally see Mummy, her face is a disappointment, and John William’s score is nothing but the sound of cello tape being tugged and broken guitar strings being rubbed with sandpaper. I like that kind of music, but it isn’t used to great effect here. The most famous moment is the bath scene- Nigel Bateman watches one of the girls getting into the bath through a magic hole in the wall. We see what he sees, and it’s as if we are actually watching it. The strange thing is that we actually ARE watching it! It’s a bit of a mind bender, but then again it is Hitchclock. I must admit that this scene got me quite excited, and I was scared of my own mummy walking in! Anytime I get into the bath now, I get concerned that someone may be watching me, so I always get in fully clothed. Maybe the film has had a more profound effect on me than I first thought. Hmm. But no, Nigel enters with a knife and dispatches the girl and then dumps her in the lake. I was disappointed by this- I like scaries, but it wasn’t scary et al. Then again, I don’t like old black and white movies, or things based on Shakespeare so it was pretty much what I expected. There has never been a scary black and white film, and there never will be. Not until the oil and electricity runs out and we can’t use colour anymore!

Favourite scene: When Nigel is chasing the pretty girl through the basement, and she has put tar all over the steps so that his socks are pulled off. The following shot of Nigel’s tar covered feet, with speckled sock cloth hanging off as he creeps into he bedroom was quite upsetting.

The Infamous Shower Scene

Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands

The movie that established Depp in our minds, in probably his best performance as the deformed, unfinished creation of an eccentric scientist. Rightly called a modern fairy tale as it has all the hallmarks of those classic stories- a strange character, some sort of moral, a dark side, a world almost like our own but slightly warped, a story anyone can enjoy. Edward Scissorhands combines this story with some wonderful acting and characters, memorable score, beautiful cinematography and imagery, which makes an excellent, tender film with the typical Burton trademarks.

The story is told by a grandmother to her granddaughter, and we get to hear it too, beginning with Edward’s creation and development. He grows and is taught about manners, etiquette and other things by his father, but is alone, never seeing or interacting with the outside world. From his room he can see the nearby neighbourhood, within touching distance, but as he is different he cannot go to them. One day his father dies, leaving him unfinished- with giant scissors where his hands should be. He does not understand, and stays in his massive dark house alone. When a local Avon lady, annoyed because of the lack of interest by her neighbours in what she is selling, she decides to try the scientists house, unaware of what is inside. No-one has been there before, it is a typical small town haunted house in the eyes of most. She enters the house when no-one answers, meets Edward and decides to take him home to her family as he is alone and a mess. Looking past his ‘hands’ she accepts him, and her son and husband also try to. Soon he becomes a ray of interesting light in the bored neighbourhood, everyone wants to meet the new guy, and he shows his talent for hedge and dog trimming. However, Edward is enchanted by Kim, the daughter and falls in love. Kim is with a bully of a boyfriend, and soon he and the rest of the neighbourhood take advantage of Edward- he just wants to be nice. Soon though his novelty wears off, and most people see him as evil and dangerous, something to disrupt their daily lives. They chase him away, and the story looks like it will end in tragedy.

Everything in the film works perfectly, every corner of the cast from actors to set designers all do amazingly well. It is one of those rare times when everything seems to come together and fit completely. Dianne West is ideal as the mother Peg, only wanting to help Edward, not trying to score points off her friends. Anthony Michael Hall as Kim’s boyfriend is also an ingenious choice as he emits that typical jock persona, believing he can get whatever he wants, trying to overpower everyone but scared of his father. Vincent Price is the inventor, and gives an admirable and touching performance, a fitting way to end his illustrious career, and the rest of the family and neighbours are all uniquely odd, made even more strange by the routine they live in and the idyllic place they live. Ryder as Kim is also intensely sympathetic, first scared of Edward, but growing to understand and eventually fall in love with him. But overall, in acting terms it is Depp’s film, and no-one could have done better. He completely takes over the role, adding little touches, eye movements and such to add to the character, so that we too love Edward by the end. However, his performance is such that we too realise he cannot be part of the community, he will never fully understand them as they cannot understand him, whether he is in love or not, and this could be harmful for him and others. He does not want to hurt anyone, and so must be on his own. He is a tragic figure, and the movie seems to be saying that the outcast can be heroic, beautiful and tender, but must remain an outcast to keep these characteristics.

Again Burton gives the Gothic look he has become famous for, and this is undoubtedly his most visually beautiful film. Batman had more stunning sets, camera work and stunts, but the charm factor here is almost overwhelming. The Gardens, snow, the ice sculptures, the picture perfect coloured houses and cars all juxtaposed against Edward and his habitat. Edward himself is a work of art, scarred but not horrific. Edward’s home is a wonderful excuse for Burton and the designers to show off, full of shadows and weird inventions. The music adds immensely to the film, raising our emotions that much higher, and it is probably Elfman’s best. Favourite scenes include Kim dancing under the falling ice, and Edward sitting on the pavement with the dog, but every shot and scene is excellent.

The only fault i can find with the film is that it isn’t long enough, or rather, i wish it was longer just so we could be part of that world for a few minutes more. There could have been more scenes between Kim and Edward. It leaves you with a good feeling, and I cannot see any other faults with it. Some may feel it is overly sentimental, but it isn’t, some may feel it is simple, but it is meant to be. A film for outcasts everywhere, but one which should be enjoyed by all, as we all feel like outcasts at some point.

The DVD has two good commentaries, and a featurette which are worth watching/hearing. A must for any collection

Zulu: CHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is a documentary about the various wars America has fought in Africa. It proves that even though the American army may have been severely outnumbered (at least 3 million to one) that their superior intellect and firepower would crush the enemy. How arrogant of the natives to try and fight the Americans who were only trying to bring some rock’n’roll to their continent. Did they think that the mighty US wouldn’t fight back! Well, they soon saw the error of their ways as Lee Marvin, Michael Kane, Clint Eastwoodand co kick some butt! Yeah man! 10 Km! Wave after wave of bad guys come, wave after wave of bad guys fall. Let this be a lesson to the bad guys of the world. If you annoy us, you will die. If you attack us, you will die. If we attack you, oh you better believe yo gonna die! A strong piece of Propaganda produced by Spielberg which successfully wiped out every American/African War and brought peace. The rest of the world needs to watch.

Best Scene: When Hawsbee is saving Jacobs and the rest of the gang from the fire in the bedroom.

Young Guns II: Rollin’, rollin’, rollin- RAW HAW!

Young Guns 2: Part 2, is as much an ensemble piece as the first film was. Survivors from the first film (Shat Pack favourites- Charlie ‘Mr’ Sheen, Ann Diamond Phillips, Emilio ‘I wish I was Michael J Fox’ Extevez, and Keifer ‘Lost Boy’ Southland) come together again with a host of new pups including Jonathan Bon Jovi, Chuck Norris, Muslim Slater, and Conrad Dorito. The plot follows the gang coming together again after the exploits of the first film- they have all been on the run from legendary law man Wyatt Ear who believes they are responsible for several murders and atrocities. Since the first film most have gone their separate ways. Billy The Boy has been rampaging through Texas robbing from the rich and giving to the poor, then killing the poor, and eating the rich. Doc has been on holiday in Mexico, has got himself a gal and spends his days making poetry, his night making sweet love. Neil Diamond Philips has been off on some sort of Spirit Guide affair, finding his inner Peyote and living in peace. They realise though that White Herpy is getting close and absolutely will not stop, ever, until they are dead. Or arrested. They need to ride once more, not Runaway, they may go down in a Blaze of Glory, but at least Someday they’ll be Saturday night.

This film is basically a remake of the first, albeit with a new plot and characters. It teaches you a lot about the Cowboys that used to roam about England before it was renamed America. There are shoot outs, drinking, women, and horses- everything you would expect in a good Western/Blue movie. We learn that Jimmy The Kid is actually one of the few remaining Demi-Mortals- humans who age anything from 2 to ten times slower than the rest of us. Whether or not this has been proved to be historically true is open for debate as no body was ever found and some claim to see him giggling and jumping through their wheat fields at night while they sit on their porch rocking chair sipping Sasparella.

Best Scene: When they are trapped with their backs to the wall and decide to charge out firing their guns in slow motion as the picture fades to sepia, and Living On A Prayer plays in the background. It makes me wish I was a Cowman and roam the desert shooting hippies!

Young Frankenstein: Not For Your Eyes!

This film was so scary I had to watch it through my fingers- my eyes were safely hidden in my pocket. Not surprisingly I couldn’t really see what was going on and had to guess. As soon as I heard the scary music at the start I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it- it’s the same feeling I got watching the Halloween episodes of Bugs Bunny, the ones where the scary green witch tries to eat him. Brrr, I’m getting spooky just thinking about it. The film seems to be about a crazy scientist whose children die in some sort of freak electrical accident, possibly involving a lighthouse. The scientist wants to bring his kids back from the dead and believes he can do this by taking the best body parts from each and stitching them together. There are various terrifying scenes of him lurking through graveyards and Undertaker’s houses so that he can acquire all the extra parts he needs. Eventually he builds a son for himself but it still needs life. As everyone knows 300 millilitres of electricity (Stat!) blown into the heart and brain at the same time is enough to bring any living thing back from the dead- of course in real life this vary rarely happens. He does it and his son is reborn again. They are both crazy though, the creature doesn’t know if he is one person or various considering all the different bits which make him up. Naturally he goes on a rampage and throws lots of other children into lakes with lawnmowers attached to them. This was never fully explained and (pardon the pun) struck me as a little strange. I don’t want to talk anymore about this as it is too scary. I might watch it again when I’m thirty, as when you’re 28 you shouldn’t be watching scary movies like this; You should be watching films with explodings and boobs, and playing Guitar Heroes.

Best Scene: When the monster breaks into Strictly Come Dancing and does a foxtrot with Brucie before mauling Bruno to death. I would give that a 4.5!

Yojimbo- I am eating a twister

‘Yo, Jimbo! Get back here with my arm!’ Yes, this is the famous story set in the Chinese version of Hick America. Based on some Shakespeare book it is also black and white and in a strange language. I want to go to the movies and see stuff blow up, and watch people get shot in FULL COLOURS. I mean, how realistic can black and white be. I understand that people were poor in the olden days, well then they should have just waited until they invented colour before making films because these are just too unbelievable. I find it difficult to relate to people when they are speaking funny words I don’t be understanding, and especially when they’re a different colour. I don’t mean that in a racistphobe way, I just can’t take anything seriously when it comes from a grey mouth. But, alas I was forced to watch this my girlfriend as she said it was Clint Eastwood’s favourite film so it might be okay.

The film is set in some sort of shanty town where dogs eat each other’s arms and everyone lives in boxes. There are two different Kings and they hate each other. The each own half the village, but each want to take over completely. For the people caught in between, all they see is fighting and death and just want to be at peace. We see brothers fighting each others, families and neighbours, and friendships torn apart by this separation. This is of course a major them of every Shakespeare book- dualisticism. Where there is a man, there is a similar but different woman etc. Of course we know from school that Shakespeare lived through the British Civil War and saw his own family split up (Romeo and Julius is based on his childhood romance with the girl next door and most of his other books are affected by this). Pretty boring so far. Into this mix comes a mysterious stranger with no name called Jimbo. He sees this as a good chance to make some monies and get some free sake and a bit of a kip, so he pretends to joining both sides and make them fight more. Eventually he gets bored and kills everyone except the coffin maker who becomes a millionaire. He walks off into the night leaving the ghosts to mourn their foolish mistakes and realise they should have looked after each other and worried about this immigrant instead. This leaves us with many questions- was he really God? Was he really a devil? Was he just a mental? Why did that woman keep smiling? For all the people that were killed it’s all a bit rubbish and we don’t see any blood and the whole thing lacks excitements. Perhaps if someone was to remake this film with colour and lots of action and fights it would be good. All the issues like morals and foreigners wrecking the place, and war and jealousy are all the more important nowadays. This may be Clint’s favourite movie, but just imagine if he had been in a remake of it, with guns instead of swords. That would have been great.

Best Scene: When Jimbo is hiding from all the townspeople and he crawls underneath the boardwalk and the people’s house so they don’t see him. He hides under one bedroom and sees a young women stripping and getting washed. He watches every slip of clothing fall off slowly, sees the nubile young thing step into the steaming tub and all the moisture drip over her aching body. We then see her step out, pad herself softly with a silky cloth and get into bed, naked and sleep. This was the beginning of a new genre of Asian movies- good ones!

X-Men: The Last Stand: Cosplay: The Last Party!

X-Men: The Last Film is the last X-Men so far. It features more characters than ever before and all our old favourites such as Wolfer, Thundera, The Caper Wonder, Ice, Bust Face, Grape, Lee, Bowie, X, Mephisto, Cyclaps, Jean Reno, and of course Staples. Big bad guy Mr Magenta has assembled a horde of badness and is launching a final terrific attack against man. Only the X-Men can save the day but they know they will not all survive. As X’s wife Abigail says: ‘It’s time, to make, yo stand!’

This film has more excitements than all the other 2 films stuck agether. There are massive battle scenes to be seen, people punch each other with bridges, loads of people are killed, and there is lots of funny and good graphics. To celebrate the release of this film I was invited to a cosyplay party- a party where fans of a film or show all dress up as their favourite character. It turned into a huge event and people came dressed mostly as X-Menners, but also as things from other things. I knew every chump in the galaxy would go as Wolfy, and all the women would go as Lara Craft, so I thought I would be special and go as a Tetris block- the L-Shape to be precise. I spent the night sliding into tight spaces and frequently getting stuck because the fit was so perfect. The firemen had to be called out several times but I wasn’t bothered as I was racking up a huge imaginary score. Also, additionally there were in addition people also dressed up as Mario, Luigi, Giuseppe too; some dressed up as Neon from The Matrix; some dressed up as Gunnels from Lord Of The Rings while others dressed up as Pat Butcher and Cilla Black. At the end of the night the whole thing descended into a terrible sight- think a cross between Society and Eyes Wide Shut. I managed to escape, but my bricks were ruined. Next time I go to one of these parties I will come prepared. I will go as Arnie and let off some Steam, Bennett!

Best Scene: When X has his head chopped off and rather than put it to waste, Wolverbean chucks it into a horde of bad guys knocking them into a pit of lava shouting ‘Get ready for a surprise!’

Wolftwat and Fister