Chart Music – 2011

Yes! Back thanks to an almost universal lack of demand, I stretch back the scalp of time and feast upon the mushy innards of the past – in this instance I return to the UK music charts. If you’re interested, you can read my original post here –

Greetings, Glancers! Once more we torture ourselves by listening to what passes for music in the hearts, minds, and ears of the great unwashed. Today we go back to a year you should all remember well, because it was only five years ago. In 2011 the world was still in the grip of talentless shows, celeb shows – basically not too different from today in that almost every form of popular media which receives any sort of exposure was glossy, bland, and sexualised to the point that we all wished we could be celibate. I mean, just look at the top 10 below, just look. You don’t need to listen at all, I… I wouldn’t do that to you. But what else was happening? The Arab Spring, the March 11th Tsunami, Occupy Wall Street, William and Kate’s Wedding – all horrific events, so it was no wonder everyone was excited when we found evidence of water on Mars; it’s time to get off this rock! Oh yeah, Bin Laden was killed too.

In the music world, Amy Winehouse, Bert Jansch, Gary Moore, Mike Starr and others died. Adele released her horrible second album, a bunch of people you’ve already forgotten won Brit Awards, Lady Gaga did something, Jeff Hanneman was almost killed by a spider, and Nightwish released both a new album and a tie in movie. Help me out here… did anything else happen? No? Okay then, lets get through this as quickly as possible.

1: Rihanna: We Found Love

I don’t think I’ve actually heard this entire song before, but I know the chorus as it is played EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. It’s a pity Rihanna screeches so badly out of her nose because some of her songs are okay. Terrible speaking. Isn’t this the one where the video was filmed 10 minutes from my parent’s house? So the verse is pretty much the same as the chorus, but with different words. Meh.

2: Maroon 5: Moves Like Jagger.

An absolute travesty. Like injecting shards of glass into your eyeballs and having a badger pull them out. I ain’t linking this.

3: Gym Class Heroes: Stereo Hearts.

I don’t know what this is. High pitched accent disaster. Words. It’s pretty tame. It’s pretty crap. I can imagine plenty singing along to it. Possibly swaying their arms. NEXT!

4: Christina Perri: Jar Of Hearts.

I don’t know who this is. Talky sing. Yes, I’ve heard the chorus. Doesn’t it rip off that Beyonce Halo song? It feels emotional. The bridge isn’t great. PRAMISAYIZ? Promises? Halo-eeo-ooh!

5: LMFAO: Sexy And I Know It.

See number 2. But with a rabid tramp replacing the badger.

6: Matt Cardle: Run For Your Life.

Remember him? Poor Matt. A winner cursed by a win. I’ve never heard this. The verse at least tries something unusual with it’s stoppy, starty beat, but the chorus then turns to X Factor white bread shite.

7: Charlene Soraia: Wherever You Will Go.

Who? Never heard of you. Can’t hear the music. Oh right, I think I’ve head this. Yeah, another one which is used annoyingly on TV ads. Not much to it. Verses too faint, chorus too overplayed. NEXT!

8: Sak Noel: Loca People.

Who? Never heard of ye. Oh here we go. Terrible. NEXT!

9: Ed Sheeran: The A Team.

Another one from this ginger twat. Sullying the good name of the A Team. You’re not Damien Rice. You’re not even chicken curry. That fecking accent. NEXT!

10: One Direction: What Makes You Beautiful


What a mess. Cleanse yourself with these messages from our alternate sponsor:

  1. Nightwish: Rest Calm
  2. Mastodon: Creature Lives
  3. Opeth: Marrow Of The Earth
  4. Alice Cooper: I Am Made Of You
  5. The Music: So Low (yes yes, originally released much earlier)

That’s about it really. We did also get albums from Kate Bush, Radiohead, Chili Peppers, and many more, but I’m just not as familiar with them to pick something great, and without resorting to the bands above I can’t choose anything else. Let me know what else was good in 2011 – there must have been something!?

Hilarious Translations Of Song Lyrics – August 2014 Part 2

Please note – the following hilarious translations are not the same as the equally hilarious misheard lyrics, nor are they actual translations currently out there in Pop Land. All I have done is taken a famous song and slapped the lyrics into one of the famous (ly bad) Internet Translation tools – translated from English into Korean, then back into English, with hilarious results. I picked Korean because, based on previous experience, it seems to struggle in the funniest way with the English language, and vice versa. Each week, I’m going to select some of the most famous songs of all times, of recent times, and throw in a few obscure favourites too, all for your enjoyment! Lets start the laughter right now!


A catchy song, no doubt, but ruined by Rihanna’s grating warbles and an irritating production, this song about staying dry during life’s storms is best avoided while listening to the excellent Manic Street Preachers cover instead. Regardless, as it is one of the highest selling songs of recent years, it deserves the translation treatment.

The Original:

Uh huh, uh huh (Yea Rihanna), Uh huh, uh huh (Good girl gone bad), Uh huh, uh huh (Take three… Action), Uh huh, uh huh

No clouds in my stones. Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank. Coming down with the Dow Jones.
When the clouds come we gone, we Rocafella. We fly higher than weather
In G5’s are better, You know me,In anticipation, for precipitation. Stack chips for the rainy day
Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine, Rihanna where you at?

You have my heart And we’ll never be worlds apart. Maybe in magazines But you’ll still be my star.
Baby ’cause in the dark You can’t see shiny cars. And that’s when you need me there, With you I’ll always share Because –

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together, Told you I’d be here forever,
Said I’ll always be a friend, Took an oath I’ma stick it out ’til the end.
Now that it’s raining more than ever, Know that we’ll still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh).
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh).

These fancy things, will never come in between. You’re part of my entity, here for infinity.
When the war has took its part, When the world has dealt its cards, If the hand is hard, together we’ll mend your heart Because

You can run into my arms, It’s OK, don’t be alarmed, Come here to me.
There’s no distance in between our love, So go on and let the rain pour I’ll be all you need and more Because

It’s raining, raining. Oh, baby it’s raining, raining. Baby come here to me. Come here to me. It’s raining, raining
Oh baby it’s raining, raining. You can always come here to me. Come here to me

The Translation:

UH huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh (Rihanna) (good girl gone bad) UH huh, uh huh, uh huh, (take 3 … action). was taken aback and rain clouds from coming down the stone within the Dow Jones when the clouds come we gone we Rocafella we Hydroplane in the Bank I, weather is better than flying on G5, I know in anticipation for precipitation.

Rainy day Jay, rain man is back with little Miss Sunshine Rihanna where the chip stacks?

 My heart and we will never get a worlds apart. Maybe you’ll still be my star in the magazine, however.

Shining in the darkness and you will not be able to see the car ’cause baby.

And he said to me, I will always be with us when the sun shines, because winning is going to be here forever, you said, I’m always going to be your friends share with you took an oath when you need it, I stick to the end.

Now it’s raining more than ever, we are still going to know each other. You can stand under my umbrella.

Under my umbrella (Ella Ella eh eh eh). My under the umbrella (Ella Ella eh eh eh).

This will not come back between cool things. You’re part of my entity, here for infinity.

it was part of the war when the hands together when we can run into my arms, because you’ll mend your heart hard case has dealt its cards in the world, it’s OK not to be alarmed, I come here, there is no distance between our love, so it is;

and it’s going to be a non-call and more, simply because it’s rain, Rain. Oh, baby, rain, rain. Baby come to me, come to me. … Rain, rain, rain, rain, Oh baby. You always can come here to me. I come here.

The WTF:

Not actually too different from the garbled mess of the original. There may even be an improvement over the incomprehensible Jay Zed junk. He has however managed his most cryptic yet profound rhyme yet with the eternal ‘Rihanna where the chip stacks’. Rihanna’s finest moment comes with ‘Shining in the darkness and you will not be able to see the car ’cause baby’. Cause baby what? As seems to be the way with these transalationathons, there is an inevitable descent into chaos – that spiel before the end about war and heart hard cases is a rambling disaster.

Hots On For Nowhere

A late in the day Zeppelin song, this is a song that I never paid a lot of attention too, either lyrically, musically, or otherwise. Lots of interesting phrases and twists below which will serve for hilarious translating.

The Original

I was burned in the heat of the moment, Though it couldn’t have been the heat of the day.
When I learned how my time had been wasted, (And a) tear fell as I turned away.

Now I’ve got friends who will give me their shoulder, Event I should happen to fall.
Time and his bride growing older, I’ve got friends who will give me fuck all.

(On the) corner of Bleeker and nowhere In the land of not quite day,
A shiver runs down my backbone, Face in the mirror turns grey.

So (I) looked round to hitch up the reindeer, Searching hard trying to brighten the day.
I turned around to look for the snowman To my surprise he’d melted away.

As the moon and the stars call the order Inside my tides dance the ebb and sway.
The sun in my soul’s sinking lower, While the hope in my hands turns to clay.
I don’t ask that my field’s full of clover, I don’t moan at opportunity’s door,
 And if you ask my advice, take it slower, Then your story’d be your finest reward.

Lost on the path to attainment, Search in the eyes of the wise.
When I bled from the heart of the matter, I started bleeding without a disguise.

Now everything’s fine under heaven, Now and then you’ve got to take time to pause.
 When you’re down on the ground, don’t be messin’ around, Or you’ll land in a boat without oars.
Hey babe, Hey babe, Hey babe, I lost my way.

Hey babe, Hey babe, I don’t know where I’m gonna find it.

Hey babe, Hey babe, Do you wanna know,
Do you really, really, wanna help me, yeah?

Let me tell you now, babe Let me tell you, That it feels so good that it must be right

Now my babe,Let me tell you, That it feels so good that it must be right…

The Translation

Could not be opened for two days in the heat of the moment, though I was burned. I was wasting my time, I learned how (and) The tears fell as I turned away.

On his shoulder, I need to provide an event occurs on a friend‘s fall to me now. Time and his bride growing older, I will provide all the sex I‘m a friend.

Not work well in the land of nowhere corner of Bleeker () or, The shiver that turns gray face in the mirror, and run my backbone.

So (I) looked bright work hard trying to search, the reindeer hitch roundI turned around to find that he was surprise melted snowman.

Dancing in the ebb tide to change the order of the moon and the stars inside the phone. Days of low sunk my soul, with hope in my hands turns to mud.
I, I first of all fields of clover, does not require that you do not moan at the door of opportunity, If you have asked for my advice it slow, then story’d is the best reward.

You can find the path of achieving lost, to the eye of wisdom. When I was bleeding from the core of the problem, I started bleeding without a disguise.

Now everything under the sun now well then it may take some time to pauseWhen you’re on the ground, or you do not get to the boat, around the spoiling you no no.
Hey baby hey baby, hey baby, I lost my way.

Let me see it, I‘ll find the baby, hey hey, I do not know.

I know Hey lady, I want you baby, look at. You really, really, yeah I want, do you help me?

Let me tell you that I feel so good it should be good, now let’s you baby. Now I feel that I should be good too like it, let me tell you baby



An already depressing song, at least by Zep’s standard’s becomes even more downbeat and visceral – and becomes a bit of a Hero’s Journey. The narrator speaks of presumably not being able to escape from some fiery prison for two days, and eventually giving in. In a Hellraiser like twist, the narrator’s charred corpse returns with the ominous ‘I will provide all the sex I’m a friend’. It seems he must traverse some hell-dimension call ‘Bleeker’, a place of nowhere, a place of shivers, a place where reindeer become melted snowmen. Looking frantically for some way to leave this place, he does a cosmic-shattering dance, only for all hope to leave as it comes to nothing – he is then mocked for his hopeless moaning by a speaking, sentient clover field. This field leaves some cryptic advice, and a ghastly philosophical revelation – ‘When I was bleeding from the core of the problem, I started bleeding without a disguise‘. It seems that the narrator is now able to return home, finds his baby lady and has a frantic, romantic coming together as we fade to black.