Classic Rock Band Tier – Ranking Classic Rock Bands

Greetings, Glancers. It seems like this tier malarkey is all the rage these days, and every blogger, vlogger, and their embittered uncle is thrusting their own flaccid list into the unexpected orifices of subscribers. Not one to be out-thrust, this post will be my own grading of a list of bands. Before I get to that, I should point out that I only found out about this nonsense via my watching of Become The Night – a Youtube channel run by a musician and metal fan called Mike. If you’re into reaction videos, metal, prog, insightful and entertaining rants on the current state of popular music, then it’s one of the more eloquent and knowledgeable channels out there, while remaining fun to watch.

Mike seems to have used a site called tiermaker which allows you to create your own lists and categories, and drag and drop items into each, before sharing on Facebook or wherever. That link above takes you to the same list Mike uses in his video. In my post I’m going to go through the same artists, but give my ranking on each. It’s partly a response to Mike’s video, partly because I’m curious to see where I would rank each act, and partly because I couldn’t think of anything more interesting to write about today. I should talk a little at the outset about where Mike and I differ. Obviously, obviously, each person is different, with our own tastes, preferences, baggage and all of that will greatly determine how we rank anything, no matter how objective we try to be. If we’re being 100% objective, there would be no point in doing the list because one ranking would be the official ranking. Mike is big into production when it comes to music – listen to any of his song reaction videos, any of his videos really, and he’ll harp on about production quite a lot – the mix, the tone, the tools – he knows a hell of a lot more about it than I ever will and that’s mainly because I simply don’t weigh production as highly as he does in terms of making a song. I’m being slightly tongue in cheek, and admittedly naive because obviously Production is one of the most important aspects of recording music. It’s just that for me, it lies a hell of a long way behind talent, melody, emotion, and lyrics.

Lyrics and emotion are two points where I differ from Mike, and maybe from a lot of other fans. Where Production for me roughly falls into three large categories – crap, okay, and good, Mike has a highly trained ear for the slightest flaw (perceived or otherwise) in a recording and mix – I don’t. My ear is much more attuned to emotion – I can easily tell if something is false or disingenuous, much more so than your typical listener and (without getting too wanky) I have a finely tuned degree of empathy when hearing and feeling any song. In Mike’s own (near enough) words, he doesn’t give a shit about lyrics and considers music and the playing of instruments as the most important element in creating a song.

He’s wrong of course, and is not accurately defining the difference between music and song, at least as both have existed since the start of the 20th Century. Sure a song doesn’t have to have lyrics to be considered a song, but most do, while a song usually needs (but not always) music before being called a song. Ignoring lyrics is essentially ignoring half of a song. It’s one of the prime examples of how music and listeners and artists have been dumbed down over time, to the point that most people ignore lyrics unless they’re deliberately provocative or ridiculously inane. Otherwise intelligent people have been taught to ignore words in songs, because words in songs have lost all meaning. If music is to become intelligent again and move away from its current mass-market, junk food approach, then lyrics need to be part of that equation. As always, I’m writing this off the cuff and chucking generalizations around – I’m aware that lyrics have been silly for most 20th and 21st Century popular music, but even The Beatles grew from childish declarations of love to often near God tier poetry. In Epic Poetry, lyrics told the stories with a cast of hundreds, sung to music which has been lost over time while the words remains. Popular music began showcasing more intelligent lyrics in the mid-sixties, but since it there have been more troughs than peaks in the art form, with the best lyrics tending to come from either cult acts or those with a small following. Various sub-genres of rap obviously focus heavily on words, perhaps moreso than the music. From a Business perspective, lyrics don’t sell, music does. It’s a little frustrating then when he berates modern acts (correctly) for being vain, reductive, and repetitive in terms of music and lyrics, but then completely dismisses the lyrics of some of the best songwriters in history. It’s partly because his favourite acts are shitty lyricists anyway (Dream Theater anyone?) It’s fine though, he mainly defines songs in terms of music while I define songs in terms of the whole package which comprises a song – a piece of music usually designed to be sung.

Enough bullshit for now, lets look at how his tier looked at the end – if you’re curious it’s probably best to watch his video first (plus you’ll probably find it more entertaining than this).

mike

That’s not the easiest to see, so here’s a more clear list:

S: Led Zeppelin. Pink Floyd. Steely Dan. Queen. The Beatles

A: Cream. Creedence Clearwater Revival. David Bowie. Elton John. The Rolling Stones

B: ACDC. Aerosmith. Billy Joel. Deep Purple. Jimi Hendrix. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Rush

C: The Who. Fleetwood Mac. Black Sabbath

D: The Eagles. Grateful Dead. Bob Dylan

F: The Doors

Naturally, posting a list like this to a large audience on the internet is going to lead to all manner of angry frothing and gesturing. How dare someone else have an opinion, especially one that is so different from mine! Mike has a much larger audience than I do, so I imagine he’s got a lot of hate over some of these choices. Because people are precious of the things they love, and because people are dicks. I disagree with some of his choices, as I will show in my own ranking, but I understand that he is who he is and I’m not here to change his mind. Or anyone else’s. As always, leave a comment here and share your own ranking and reasoning. But there’s no sense in arguing because this is almost entirely subjective and based on our own shit. If we try to be objective, then we have to fall back on tangible metrics such as sales, chart history, longevity, influence, followed up by less tangible stuff like musicianship, lyrics, originality. I’m not sure who even came up with this list of artists, or how they define each tier – I think there are too many tiers and I would replace a few of these acts with ones I deem much more suitable, but I’ll cover these ones anyway.

So lets follow Mike’s ranking from the bottom. The Doors – it was pretty obvious from the outset that Mike would stick The Doors here. He’s not a lyrics guy, and perhaps more than any other act on this list The Doors relied more on lyrics and atmosphere than music. Being a lyrics and atmosphere guy, I rank The Doors much higher. The band were also massively influential (maybe more in terms of redefining what a front man can be) in terms of lyricism and songwriting, they’re undoubtedly one of the most iconic acts of all time, and of course they sold and charted a bunch and are still spoken of highly today. I love a lot of The Doors songs and for a while they were one of my favourite bands. I fully admit that a lot of their catalogue is a little iffy – I credit that to the use of keyboards more than anything else. I agree that Morrison doesn’t have the greatest voice from any technical standpoint, but it continues to moisten panties in every generation which is more than I can say for most vocalists. As much as I like The Doors, there’s really only a handful of songs which I can say I both love and which had an impact on a wider scale. For example, Love Streets is probably my favourite song by The Doors, but it’s not one you ever hear people talking about it. Ray Manzarek was a beast on the keys, it’s just that the sound now feels dated and cheesy. Densmore – a decent enough drummer, nothing special. Krieger had some great riffs and solos and as a band they all experimented and stretched the boundaries of popular music – something Mike claims to pine for.

Next up, The Eagles. In what is going to be a recurring theme for this post, I’ll have to take a step back and state that I’m not American. In my part of the world and in the time that I grew up in, no-one gave a shit about The Eagles. They made Hotel California and… that’s it? I know they were a massively successful band but I think most of that success was internal to the USA. For whatever reason they never crossed the shores to me. They’re a band whose back catalogue I have wanted to get into, and I’ll probably get to them in the future on this blog, but for now they are looking like an F. The same will go for The Grateful Dead, except they don’t even have Hotel California. Bob Dylan, I’ve never been a huge fan of and in most cases the songs he’s written that I have liked, have been performed by other artists whose versions I much prefer. Again, he’s someone I know I need to listen to and will. Known for his lyrics, I’m hoping those will have something I can enjoy and distract me from his voice. Either way, I probably wouldn’t include Dylan on this list at all.

The Who haven’t been given enough credit by Mike, presumably because he hasn’t heard enough by them (admitting again that many of the bands I will rank low will be because I haven’t heard a lot of their stuff). The Who are arguably the most energetic rock band of all time – Mike mentions that ACDC are ranked higher for him because he appreciates their energy even if he doesn’t like many of their songs. The Who knock ACDC out of the park in terms of energy. Keith Moon is unquestionably one of the great drummers, Roger Daltry’s voice can strip paint and lull a heart-attack victim to sleep, while Pete Townsend is at the forefront of progressive music. Of course Townsend would class his stuff as Rock Operas rather than concept or progressive albums, but they fall under the same wider umbrella of telling a larger story with linking themes and songs. The band is rarely mentioned as pioneers, but I think they influenced both metal and punk as well as rock overall. Admittedly they don’t have as many hits as some bands here, but their sales and longevity speak for themselves. Great lyrics too.

Fleetwood Mac is a band I should love but I haven’t bothered going from album to album yet. I do love quite a lot of their songs so I can only assume there will be others I’d like, and they crossed more successfully than other bands that bridge between rock and pop. Black Sabbath, as Mike points out, are probably the first metal band. At least in terms of what we think of as Metal today. We all know Ozzy isn’t the most appealing of vocalists nowadays, but back then he could belt it out and that’s what it was all about – being loud, being aggressive, and being in your face. Tony Iommi is probably second only to Jimmy Page in creating memorable guitar riffs. While the band quickly ran out of steam, their first few albums remain essential parts of metal. They’re far from my favourite band, but I appreciate what they did, the ground they broke, the fans they awakened. I take them more as a greatest hits band – a few songs from each album would make one single great album, leaving the majority of stuff I pass over.

The B and A tiers are where I will change most stuff around. Starting with ACDC. I’ve never been a fan – I think they’re the prime example of pop music under the guise of rock. I feel the same way towards ACDC as I do towards hair metal – sure ACDC is more authentic, but it’s marginal. ACDC is just a better Status Quo. They’re the Nickleback of the 70s and 80s. I just can’t take them seriously, with their lyrics like a bad Carry On movie or a thirteen year old boy’s idea of sex. Sure they have some memorable riffs and the odd decent song, and they’ve sold more albums than is humanly possible… doesn’t mean they’re any good. I’ve never liked any of their singers either – ever skinned a fox? While it’s still alive? Neither have I, but that’s what I think Brian and Bon sound like. Only their sales keep them from being lower.

Aerosmith I used to like when I was a kid. They had a couple of decent albums in the late 70s, then again in the early 90s. I can’t say too many of their songs have really stayed with me over time – while I like them, they’ve fallen away while songs from other bands have kept afloat. Mostly a fringe band for me, I don’t have anything bad to say, but I don’t have any massive positives either, beyond liking (not loving) a lot of their songs. Billy Joel is an artist who, until a few years ago, I had no idea had sold so many records. This must come down to not being American again. As an outsider I knew Uptown Girl, and that one about not starting fires, and that was about it. Yet he is somehow one of the biggest selling artists of all time? How did I not know this? Is it like Garth Brooks syndrome and it’s only idiots buying multiple copies of his stuff? Actually, let me check Wikipedia to see if I know any of his other stuff – there must be songs I know that I wasn’t aware were by him. Nope. There are songs there which I have probably heard, but don’t recognise from name only. He’s another I’ll have to delve into on the blog. For the purposes of this post though, he’ll be going low.

Deep Purple was always a dad rock band to me, even when I was a kid. There was another kid on my street when I was growing up, and his dad loved Deep Purple. They were always playing when I was in his house. Incidentally, it was in that house that I first watched (most of) John Carpenter’s The Thing. Another example of a movie being put on and then us sneaking in unattended. Anyway, it took me a while to actually listen to Deep Purple for my own purposes, and in truth I still haven’t heard most of their stuff. I know their biggest songs, but little beyond that. Jimi Hendrix on the other hand I know fairly well. There’s no doubting Hendrix’s skill as a guitarist and there are quite a few songs I like. The problem is there are very few songs of his I truly love. He broke ground as a front man – ground which remains to this day largely, and sadly untouched in rock and metal. As a vocalist though he was quite limited, but I think it’s his style of singing which gets on my nerve more than his actual voice – a languid funk which never changes from song to song. Hendrix’s songs also come almost entirely from within the psychedelic period and are therefore of their time much more than many other artists here. If he’d been alive longer I have no doubt he would have branched into other territory and made stuff I liked more.

Lynyrd Skynrd. Another quintessential US band and therefore another band I don’t really give a shit about. Mike’s a Southern guy so I can understand him liking this lot. For me, there’s Free Bird and nothing else. Rush is a band people have been telling me to listen to for so long that I’ve given up caring. Maybe I’ll listen one day. The few songs I’ve heard have had elements I’ve liked. But they’ve also had Geddy Lee. I have little doubt I would like Rush if I took them time to listen to their stuff properly – I just haven’t done that, or been given the impetus to do so. Into A and Cream – nope. They didn’t last nearly long enough or sell nearly enough or chart highly enough to be in this tier. Sure, they were influential, but mainly in setting up acts a few months later who were much more influential and much better. Creedence Clearwater Revival – I used to think they were a made up band, like Spinal Tap. Then I found out they were real. I still didn’t care. Another band for Southern US guys trapped in time – a poor man’s, no, a destitute man’s Led Zep. Honestly, I only know a handful of their songs – their covers I don’t care for, Proud Mary annoys the nips off me, but I quite like Bad Moon Rising. 

Man, I should have made a video for this instead of typing. But that would take more effort. Bowie next – if you follow my blog you’ll have seen me going through the Bowie albums – I’m up to number 86 or something by now. I think it’s clear by now that Bowie is someone I appreciate and respect more than I actually like. He does have some songs I love, I have found some songs I’ve liked. I’m not a fan of his vocals or delivery, and too much of his stuff is in the glam genre which I like as much as I like Country music (not at all). But credit to changing the game, to always trying something new stylistically, and for pushing boundaries. Elton John I probably wouldn’t include on the list at all – he hasn’t been rock since the early 70s, and even then it was touch and go. I can’t think of a single Elton John song I love, and there are very few I like. I haven’t listened to a single album by him so there could be a treasure trove of stuff out there, but I’m very aware of all of his singles.

The Rolling Stones are wildly hit and miss for me. I can’t remember if I’ve posted it yet or not, but I am starting to go through their albums again. I’ve listened to all of their albums up until the mid 70s before, but they didn’t make an impact on me. 10 years later I’m doing it again to see if my opinion has changed. Just that short bluesy stuff doesn’t do a lot for me personally, and they had so many covers and almost covers in their early days that it’s a slog to get through. Jagger is a great front man without being a great singer, and the rest of the band are just okay. But they’ve sold so much and they’re still headlining, and some people genuinely prefer them to The Beatles. Led Zep – you know my feelings – I think they’re the greatest classic rock band of all time. Pink Floyd – immense in all the tangible categories, great lyrics and emotion too. I like patches of their early and later stuff, but it’s that run from Dark Side to The Wall which cements them – four flawless albums. Steely Dan – I haven’t posted it yet, but I have already listened to and written about one of their albums (A Royal Scam I believe) and as far as I know that’s the only stuff by them I’ve heard. I need to know more to adequately comment, but based on that single album they’re not top tier. Queen are as big as they’ve ever been and their songs have already proven to stand the test of time. The Beatles I probably wouldn’t have included here, but they were the turning point so it’s fine. Either way you cut it, they’re top tier anything. Lets take a look at my ranking:

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A little different then. And because it’s not very clear, and because I don’t like the categories, I’m going to rejig it a little below:

A: Led Zeppelin. Pink Floyd. The Beatles

B: Queen. The Who. The Rolling Stones. David Bowie. The Doors.

C: ACDC. Aerosmith. Deep Purple. Jimi Hendrix. Fleetwood Mac. Black Sabbath

D: Cream. Elton John. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Rush. Billy Joel.

E: The Eagles. Grateful Dead. Bob Dylan. Steely Dan. Creedence Clearwater Revival.

That looks better. Or worse. Who knows. If it was me, and because I am me it most likely is, I would have replaced Elton with Bruce Springsteen, The Beatles with Alice Cooper, Steely Dan with Thin Lizzy or Motorhead, Billy Joel with Santana, The Grateful Dead with The Kinks.

Right, I’m done with this. Think differently? Chuck in a comment. Want me to do more reaction type posts to Youtubers or lists or other nonsense? Tell me to. Want me to listen to any songs by any of the artists I’ve ranked low above? Let me know and I will. Adios for now!

 

Fantasy Festival Line Up – Day Two

Wake up, rise and shine – it’s another jam packed day of music and fun! No, you don’t have time to wash, and I don’t want to hear any crap about hangovers – grab another cider and keep her lit! Check out Part One here!

9.30 – 11: Basil Poledouris

Keeping with the instrumental start to the morning as exemplified in Day One, we kick off Day Two with the greatest underappreciated composer in Hollywood History. Poledouris sadly passed away a few years ago, but as this is fantasy he has been resurrected say thank ya. I’ve talked about his Conan The Barbarian score being the best movie score ever written, but he is also known for many other personal favourites and classics – Robocop, Starship Troopers, The Hunt For Red October, Free Willy, Lonesome Dove – all of which would sound epic on stage with a full orchestra.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

11 – 12: Lene Marlin

Lene Marlin is primarily known for her late nineties hit Sitting Down Here, which many people probably view as a quirky one hit wonder. While she is in no way prolific, she has released several superb albums – Sitting Down Here is not the best representation of her music, sounding light and fun. The vast majority of her output is dark and what the average fool on the street would consider depressing – highly melodic but often horribly sad. Who said festivals needed to be a superfunhappy time? Nevertheless, her songs introspective quality balanced against the hooks would set the scene for an intimate, emotional gig.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

12 – 1: Mika Bomb

We’d need something faster and more upbeat after Lene – who better than a bunch of punk ladies from Japan with songs rarely going beyond three and a half minutes. With only two (great) albums in almost twenty years, the band remain essentially unknown, but a big festival performance could be what they need to fire them into the spotlight – songs like Bettie Page, Super Sexy Razor Happy Girls, Contact Tokyo, Heart Attack, Shut Your Mouth, and more, these would get the crowd pumped up and ready to smash the place up. Possibly the most fun, buck nuts gig of the weekend.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

1 – 3: Tori Amos

It’s a bit of a jump about day – with Tori we’d return to a more settled calm. Naturally, the super fans will clamour to the front while others may want to grab some lunch and keep an ear out for the songs they know. There are few artists now with such an eclectic and long history as Tori – you never know what you’re going to get from one of her shows. Performing since the 80s and still going today, you can be sure to get a range of angry piano led alt rock classics, tempestuous epics with orchestral backing (maybe Basil would like to join in), and ballads to poke holes in your soul.

Have I Seen Them Live: Yes – Belfast

3 – 5: Alice In Chains

As a grunge kid, I never managed to actually see any grunge bands live. Alice In Chains are still going today after a lengthy hiatus following the death of Layne Staley – they’re still a great band today but if we’re seeing them live then it has to be the original line-up. Normally I’d have them nearer the end of the night, but as you can see from the rest of the night – we’re jam packed. On a Summer afternoon, the band’s blend of fury and despair is a great lead in to the coming darkness.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

5 – 7: The Doors

It’s The Doors. If you like music and writing and poetry like me, then you fall in love with The Doors at some point. I was never the most obsessive fan in the world, but I do have all the albums, a bunch of bootlegs, and I’ve visited Jim’s grave. I feel like they are a band best experienced in the dark but having them slightly earlier in the evening might allow them to hit that pre-sunset reflective atmosphere – the day winding down while the band knock out the hits. Having been born after most of these bands were done, there are always a handful that you wish you’d had the opportunity to see – The Doors are going to be high up on most lists.

Have I Seen Them Live: No

7- 9.30: Pink Floyd

Pink Floyd are more than just a band – seeing them live is more of an experience than a concert, what with the lights and sets and everything else. Two and a half hours doesn’t seem like enough for them, but in that time they could play large chunks of The Wall, Dark Side Of The Moon, Animals, Wish You Were Here, along with some of their earlier Syd era stuff and later material. They’re a band you want to see in the dark, the full effect of their stage show taking on a transcendent quality once the sun sets.

Have I Seen Them Live: No, but I did see the Roger Waters show at Glastonbury which was essentially Pink Floyd’s hits with a few solo efforts thrown in.

9.30 – 12: Led Zeppelin

Who else but Zeppelin to close the night? Again there are so many songs that two and a half hours doesn’t seem enough, but after hours of standing up and jumping around to great music I think we’ll need a kip by midnight. Two hours should allow for songs from each of their albums (maybe not Coda) and sufficient room for their instrumental freestyling which often stretched the songs to two or three times their original length. This being a fantasy festival, we’d have Bonham back behind the kit and kicking ass. This would be a thunderous, spiritual way to end the second day, and send the punters back to their tents knowing they’ve just been part of something special.

Have I Seen Them Live: No, but I have seen Robert Plant play at Glastonbury.

Let us know what acts you would stick in your dream festival line-up!

 

Hilarious Translations Of Song Lyrics – August 2014 Part 2

Please note – the following hilarious translations are not the same as the equally hilarious misheard lyrics, nor are they actual translations currently out there in Pop Land. All I have done is taken a famous song and slapped the lyrics into one of the famous (ly bad) Internet Translation tools – translated from English into Korean, then back into English, with hilarious results. I picked Korean because, based on previous experience, it seems to struggle in the funniest way with the English language, and vice versa. Each week, I’m going to select some of the most famous songs of all times, of recent times, and throw in a few obscure favourites too, all for your enjoyment! Lets start the laughter right now!

Umbrella

A catchy song, no doubt, but ruined by Rihanna’s grating warbles and an irritating production, this song about staying dry during life’s storms is best avoided while listening to the excellent Manic Street Preachers cover instead. Regardless, as it is one of the highest selling songs of recent years, it deserves the translation treatment.

The Original:

Uh huh, uh huh (Yea Rihanna), Uh huh, uh huh (Good girl gone bad), Uh huh, uh huh (Take three… Action), Uh huh, uh huh

No clouds in my stones. Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank. Coming down with the Dow Jones.
When the clouds come we gone, we Rocafella. We fly higher than weather
In G5’s are better, You know me,In anticipation, for precipitation. Stack chips for the rainy day
Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine, Rihanna where you at?

You have my heart And we’ll never be worlds apart. Maybe in magazines But you’ll still be my star.
Baby ’cause in the dark You can’t see shiny cars. And that’s when you need me there, With you I’ll always share Because –

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together, Told you I’d be here forever,
Said I’ll always be a friend, Took an oath I’ma stick it out ’til the end.
Now that it’s raining more than ever, Know that we’ll still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh).
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh).

These fancy things, will never come in between. You’re part of my entity, here for infinity.
When the war has took its part, When the world has dealt its cards, If the hand is hard, together we’ll mend your heart Because

You can run into my arms, It’s OK, don’t be alarmed, Come here to me.
There’s no distance in between our love, So go on and let the rain pour I’ll be all you need and more Because

It’s raining, raining. Oh, baby it’s raining, raining. Baby come here to me. Come here to me. It’s raining, raining
Oh baby it’s raining, raining. You can always come here to me. Come here to me

The Translation:

UH huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh (Rihanna) (good girl gone bad) UH huh, uh huh, uh huh, (take 3 … action). was taken aback and rain clouds from coming down the stone within the Dow Jones when the clouds come we gone we Rocafella we Hydroplane in the Bank I, weather is better than flying on G5, I know in anticipation for precipitation.

Rainy day Jay, rain man is back with little Miss Sunshine Rihanna where the chip stacks?

 My heart and we will never get a worlds apart. Maybe you’ll still be my star in the magazine, however.

Shining in the darkness and you will not be able to see the car ’cause baby.

And he said to me, I will always be with us when the sun shines, because winning is going to be here forever, you said, I’m always going to be your friends share with you took an oath when you need it, I stick to the end.

Now it’s raining more than ever, we are still going to know each other. You can stand under my umbrella.

Under my umbrella (Ella Ella eh eh eh). My under the umbrella (Ella Ella eh eh eh).

This will not come back between cool things. You’re part of my entity, here for infinity.

it was part of the war when the hands together when we can run into my arms, because you’ll mend your heart hard case has dealt its cards in the world, it’s OK not to be alarmed, I come here, there is no distance between our love, so it is;

and it’s going to be a non-call and more, simply because it’s rain, Rain. Oh, baby, rain, rain. Baby come to me, come to me. … Rain, rain, rain, rain, Oh baby. You always can come here to me. I come here.

The WTF:

Not actually too different from the garbled mess of the original. There may even be an improvement over the incomprehensible Jay Zed junk. He has however managed his most cryptic yet profound rhyme yet with the eternal ‘Rihanna where the chip stacks’. Rihanna’s finest moment comes with ‘Shining in the darkness and you will not be able to see the car ’cause baby’. Cause baby what? As seems to be the way with these transalationathons, there is an inevitable descent into chaos – that spiel before the end about war and heart hard cases is a rambling disaster.

Hots On For Nowhere

A late in the day Zeppelin song, this is a song that I never paid a lot of attention too, either lyrically, musically, or otherwise. Lots of interesting phrases and twists below which will serve for hilarious translating.

The Original

I was burned in the heat of the moment, Though it couldn’t have been the heat of the day.
When I learned how my time had been wasted, (And a) tear fell as I turned away.

Now I’ve got friends who will give me their shoulder, Event I should happen to fall.
Time and his bride growing older, I’ve got friends who will give me fuck all.

(On the) corner of Bleeker and nowhere In the land of not quite day,
A shiver runs down my backbone, Face in the mirror turns grey.

So (I) looked round to hitch up the reindeer, Searching hard trying to brighten the day.
I turned around to look for the snowman To my surprise he’d melted away.

As the moon and the stars call the order Inside my tides dance the ebb and sway.
The sun in my soul’s sinking lower, While the hope in my hands turns to clay.
I don’t ask that my field’s full of clover, I don’t moan at opportunity’s door,
 And if you ask my advice, take it slower, Then your story’d be your finest reward.

Lost on the path to attainment, Search in the eyes of the wise.
When I bled from the heart of the matter, I started bleeding without a disguise.

Now everything’s fine under heaven, Now and then you’ve got to take time to pause.
 When you’re down on the ground, don’t be messin’ around, Or you’ll land in a boat without oars.
Hey babe, Hey babe, Hey babe, I lost my way.

Hey babe, Hey babe, I don’t know where I’m gonna find it.

Hey babe, Hey babe, Do you wanna know,
Do you really, really, wanna help me, yeah?

Let me tell you now, babe Let me tell you, That it feels so good that it must be right

Now my babe,Let me tell you, That it feels so good that it must be right…

The Translation

Could not be opened for two days in the heat of the moment, though I was burned. I was wasting my time, I learned how (and) The tears fell as I turned away.

On his shoulder, I need to provide an event occurs on a friend‘s fall to me now. Time and his bride growing older, I will provide all the sex I‘m a friend.

Not work well in the land of nowhere corner of Bleeker () or, The shiver that turns gray face in the mirror, and run my backbone.

So (I) looked bright work hard trying to search, the reindeer hitch roundI turned around to find that he was surprise melted snowman.

Dancing in the ebb tide to change the order of the moon and the stars inside the phone. Days of low sunk my soul, with hope in my hands turns to mud.
I, I first of all fields of clover, does not require that you do not moan at the door of opportunity, If you have asked for my advice it slow, then story’d is the best reward.

You can find the path of achieving lost, to the eye of wisdom. When I was bleeding from the core of the problem, I started bleeding without a disguise.

Now everything under the sun now well then it may take some time to pauseWhen you’re on the ground, or you do not get to the boat, around the spoiling you no no.
Hey baby hey baby, hey baby, I lost my way.

Let me see it, I‘ll find the baby, hey hey, I do not know.

I know Hey lady, I want you baby, look at. You really, really, yeah I want, do you help me?

Let me tell you that I feel so good it should be good, now let’s you baby. Now I feel that I should be good too like it, let me tell you baby

 

The WTF

An already depressing song, at least by Zep’s standard’s becomes even more downbeat and visceral – and becomes a bit of a Hero’s Journey. The narrator speaks of presumably not being able to escape from some fiery prison for two days, and eventually giving in. In a Hellraiser like twist, the narrator’s charred corpse returns with the ominous ‘I will provide all the sex I’m a friend’. It seems he must traverse some hell-dimension call ‘Bleeker’, a place of nowhere, a place of shivers, a place where reindeer become melted snowmen. Looking frantically for some way to leave this place, he does a cosmic-shattering dance, only for all hope to leave as it comes to nothing – he is then mocked for his hopeless moaning by a speaking, sentient clover field. This field leaves some cryptic advice, and a ghastly philosophical revelation – ‘When I was bleeding from the core of the problem, I started bleeding without a disguise‘. It seems that the narrator is now able to return home, finds his baby lady and has a frantic, romantic coming together as we fade to black.

Favourite 31 Led Zeppelin Songs

LZ

Much has been said about the greatest rock band of all time, and every magazine and music blog worth 50p have given their list of favourite/best/most influential Led Zep songs. My list highlights my personal favourite 30 songs- the songs that carry the most weight for me and while some of them may not be considered the best or most influential, they all kick ass.

31. Hey Hey What Can I Do (Unreleased): Unfortunately for Zep fans there aren’t too many ‘rare’ songs, or at least ones which weren’t a result of jamming, merging, or covering. The band never released any British singles and those songs released in the US had B-sides of other album tracks so a trove of rarities was sadly never built up. When you look at the number of unreleased Beatles tracks and the high quality of some of those, it makes you wish that Zep had a few more hidden gems up their sleeves. Hey Hey is the only track worth mentioning. It could have made an appearance on any of the first 6 albums as it has that slow folk burning with the twist of a rock stomp. Classic bluesy lyrics are soothed by Plant, the song structure is as basic as the band would ever get with chorus following verse as surely as a bad 80s solo album would follow the break up of a great 70s band. Strong melodies, easy playing and some interesting backing vocals make this a highlight.

30. In My Time Of Dying (Physical Graffiti): The biggest of the big Zep songs at over 11 minutes. It isn’t as immediately catchy or memorable as Stairway, Kashmir, or Achilles, but once the main riff kicks in you know that you’re onto a winner. As Zeppelin were known to do, they took a blues standard which was in itself an old religious song, and turned it inside out. Featuring eerie, distant Plant vocals and Page’s supreme slide guitar, the song has a fairly dark tone turning the themes of religion and mortality into something much more grim. The song chops and changes throughout the entire length with some excellent jamming moments, Bonham blasts as powerfully as possible, while Page changes his sounds and guitars as often as possible without become jarring. The structure, while complex, is much more free than the other epics given the feeling that much of this was just improvised on the spot. Of course, the comic ending adds to the improvised nature with the band chatting and coughing rather than ending with a fading chord.

29. Dyer Maker (Houses Of The Holy): An oft-maligned song from an oft-unfairly maligned album, D’yer Maker features exquisite performances from Bonham and Page, while Plant leans between comically emotional to full-blown classic shrieks. A reggae/calypso style song which may have seemed unusual to some of the more die-hard fans, it was yet another sign that the band could take any style and give it the Zep taste. As usual the melodies are wonderful and there are countless moments that you will be whistling hours after hearing. And no, it’s not pronounced Dire Maker.

28. Fool In The Rain (In Through The Out Door): A similar song in many respects to the one above in that it isn’t a typical Zeppelin sounding song and is an attempt to turn a certain style into their own. It has a samba feel and even goes as far as having a carnival like breakdown halfway through with manic drumming and whistles. The band doesn’t get much credit more when they moved out of their many comfort zones, yet this is both a fun and interesting song which nevertheless highlights the extreme talents of all involved as well as their genuine love for listening to and making music.

27. Tea For One (Presence): This is one of the band’s last epics, reaching over 9 minutes and passing through a few differing stages. Opening rather jubilantly it quickly descends into a sombre blues piece at a funeral march pace. Similar in structure, style, and sound to Since I’ve Been Loving You it shows how the band had matured emotionally and explores many of the feelings they had early in their career to see what had changed. Primarily a song about loneliness and homesickness the lyrics cover the pain of an empty room, of time standing still, and of having no-one you love near. It’s a feeling even those of us who haven’t been on long tours or trips away from family or friends are aware of, and it’s one of the great Zep tracks to listen to on the road, though for a different reason to all the other ones.

26. Down By The Seaside (PG): Another unusual song by the band, and probably another unusual one for me to include on my best of list. I love those moments when a band does something that no-one expects and it totally pays off; This is one of those moments. The tremolo effect on the guitar does give that Blackpool/Scarborough/Summer holiday seaside feel, sounding at once like it is being played underwater and like a wurlitzer. This being Zeppelin, it’s not enough being different- they have to add additional twists and so we get a lively, ice cream eating main course split by a heavier, sudden middle section which seems to come from nowhere.

25. Dazed And Confused (I): The original epic saw a young, ambitious band deciding that they were going to break a few boundaries and take things up or down a notch depending on how you look at it. This is as raw and raucous as they come with vicious lyrics about love and cheating, sex and violence, all set to the sound of an apocalypse. Just listen to the way Jones and Page’s collapsing, wailing riffs merges with Bonham’s falling down drum pieces- a perfect blend. Then we get the call and repeat between vocals and guitar and the infamous bowing, demonic sounds followed by a massive breakdown jam where the band unleash some of the most manic playing ever recorded. I wish I’d been around to witness certain reactions of this when it was first released- this band of long-haired youngsters creating an unspeakable noise with abandon whilst looking and sounding posessed- brilliance.

Jones
Jones

24. Dancing Days (HOTH): Yet another unusual song from the group, this time seemingly featuring their less than enthusiastic but wholly successful take on Disco. It’s more accurate though that this was a take on Indian style songs given what the group have said and through the guitar effects employed. A kick ass riff leads the way although it isn’t one of their most famous. There is a simple structure which helps the melodies be all the more memorable and instant. It’s played at a fairly fast tempo too which is always good.

23. Black Dog (IV): The opener for their seminal 4th album is full of innuendo and powerful playing- Page gives one of best riffs, Bonzo bashes the skins to pieces, and Plant screams to the heavens. Featuring arguably the most famous breakdown in rock history it is understandably a classic of the genre and highlights the band at their most sexual, at their heaviest.

22. Whole Lotta Love (II): The opener then for their second album was a breakthrough of monumental size. Page had found the riff he’d been searching for while Plant had perfected his steaming vocals to give true prowess to the sexually provocative lyrics. Naturally Jones and Bonham let rip on the bones and bass, never highlighted more accurately than when the song was played live. The instrumental/orgasm section on record sounds fine but becomes like a frenzy, a mantra, a tribal chant when played live as each performer blasts away and everyone comes together in harmony for the final moments- ooh-er.

21. Night Flight (PG): A standout from Physical Graffiti but not one that you’ll find on many favorites lists. The lyrics concern a man trying to evade those seeking to enlist him into the military, but it’s the music which keeps this ticking over in your mind. The band sound like they are enjoying themselves and contrasting with the lyrics it sounds like a rare completely happy Zeppelin song. From it’s swirly opening with Bonham’s growing drum pieces the song gets more rawk as it moves along, and once again the band nail down the sound of the song title as the backing effects do sound like a plane taking off.

20. Over The Hills And Far Away (HOTH): From one rare happy song to another, this gentle folk number is sublime in its simplicity yet complex in it’s endearing hidden charms. A soft intro thanks to wonderful stuff from Page and Plant soon gives way to a surprisingly bombastic period. Any time Bonzo comes in with a crash, no matter how soft the song, it becomes a stomping rock piece. This is excellent guitar parts and playing throughout and some of the best melodies from the album.

19. Babe I’m Gonna Leave You (I): Of the many songs which Zeppelin turned around and made their own, this is one of best. It is a shining example of a perfectly serviceable song being ripped to shreds and becoming a unique Zeppelin hit. Thanks to the skills of each member of the group and the way each person brings their own talents to the studio it seems like this is the original and that everything that went before was a lie. It is dark, angry, and heavily blues ridden like much of the first album and it has the light and shade, soft and heavy phasing which the band used to such great effect. Like many tracks on the list this is a good one to blast out of your car stereo when passing anyone playing techno or Beyonce- just be sure to give them a good old-fashioned Plant squeal as you go.

18. The Lemon Song (II): A song about sex which sounds like sex. A seductive, sleazy riff clambers all over lyrics about trying to break up with someone whose lovin is too damn good. Zeppelin were known for their sexual antics, a lot of which may have overblown, a lot more which probably remains unspoken, but songs like this only further the legend. It’s a hard rocking blues standard with a lot of tempo changes and blazing solos thrown in to heighten the pleasure. The musicians teeter on the brink of ecstatic collapse while Plant is furious in the throes of orgasmic shrieking. Lovely.

Bonham
Bonham

17. What Is And What Should Never Be (II): This is another example of the light and shade dynamic which the band perfected, with quiet verses contrasted with explosive choruses. Both stages are wonderfully realised, but this being Zeppelin, a few extra are inserted- manic blues breakdowns, otherworldly vocal effects, and Bonzo going off on one.

16. The Rain Song (HOTH): Zeppelin rarely created evocative sounds which conjured up specific imagery to match the tone of the song, but Rain Song is prime example of just that. It don’t know if it’s the drip dripping guitar sounds or the overall dreary nature of the vocals which has the biggest influence, but we do get the sense of sitting and staring at the rain when we listen. Throw in some JPJ string noises, a lack of Bonzo, and some excellent smaller guitar parts and the song is one of their best, yet unusual epics. The drums do eventually come in and the song does eventually pick up pace and volume as the dark clouds pass directly overhead, and it is at this point that the song transcends it’s seemingly laid back nature in a bombastic fashion.

15. Communication Breakdown (I): Zeppelin, the original punk band. This ferocious JYD bark proved that the band could throw out a 3 minute hit if they so desired. It’s amongst the most simple song they band ever wrote, one of their fastest too, but every second has a potency that many punk bands sick of the excess of the Seventies failed to match. It is a primal showcase for each member, promoting Bonzo’s power, Plant’s insane range, Jones’s technical perfection, and Page’s wild flair. It’s a good one to play to naysayers not convinced of Zep’s metal or punk cred.

14. Ten Years Gone (PG): A contemplative epic for this huge double album is one of my standout moments. Page is King, weaving together many solemn guitar parts in the introduction which get expanded upon throughout the duration of the song and which Plant strangles every ounce of pain from with his anguished vocals. Naturally Bonzo and Jones are there to keep things thumping and grounded respectively when they threaten to get too sombre or chaotic. Few people outside of the Zep main fan base know this one- a great pity.

13. No Quarter (HOTH): Jones is permanently the unsung hero of Zeppelin, but No Quarter is largely his song, and Houses Of The Holy is in many respects his album. When played live, Jones would often turn the song into a plus 20 minute piece by splicing in classical piano pieces and improvising on the spot. It’s one of the most downbeat, moody Zeppelin songs and showcases their restraint as they refrain from unleashing the usual noise levels they would on most other longer tracks. There are a few parts where (led by Bonzo) the song threatens to explode, but everything is constantly being reigned in. With strange scales and timing employed throughout it is another breakthrough for popular music and opened a lot of doors for a lot of bands.

12. How Many More Times (I): The original jam session-cum-album track, this shows the bands prowess as musicians, but more importantly, just how in tune they were with each other- knowing what each person was going to do next and taking your next step in anticipation. It’s something which usually takes a group years to accomplish, but Zeppelin simply got it straight away, or at least it comes across as such on record. As the final song from the first album you’d hope that it would leave a lasting impression- it does thanks to its free form carelessness, super playing, and surprise surprise, epic riff.

Opening with that smooth riff on bass while Page makes seemingly demonic guitar disasters in the background, Plant yelps from a distance, and Bonzo taps away to get warmed up it all seems very jazz bar. The song quickly explodes as Page unleashes his guitar all over the riff while Plant explores his blues history by tapping into any number of past hits for the lyrics. After a frantic solo, the song slows, Page bows, and Plant becomes the hunter. This all grows with more and more overlapping of guitar sounds and tumbling drums and bass. The Rosie section grooves along and everything begins to build up once again as we head back towards the main part of the song with a few extra riffs thrown in for good measure. The song races along once more to the conclusion, which ends in a flurry of confidence and bragging and noise.

Plant
Plant

11. Livin Lovin Woman (II): This oft overlooked rocker from II is just a good time all round. It tells the infamous story of a notorious groupie the band encountered on their travels and has some hilarious lyrics befitting the tale. This one was never played live as for some reason Page never liked it, but it always seemed to me that it would have been a live favourite. Starting immediately after Heartbreaker ends on the album, this keeps up the pace of the record with its speedy verses and strong riffs. The song is just full of fun and energy, and has one of Page’s most interesting solos- wavey, almost seeming to go nowhere, it is a wacky piece. It’s a fast, basic piece, but one which I have a special fondness for.

10. Heartbreaker (II): This is one of the most well-known tracks from the second album and remains a staple of rock radio. Huge riff? Check. Bombastic bass and drums? Check. Epic solo? Double check. Heartbreaker is one of the most pure, fantastic, unadulterated, guitar songs in history. It’s another song which all players aspire to playing, although those solos will take devil’s fingers to mimic. The solo begins as an unaccompanied piece at a billion miles an hour before the drums crash in and the solo takes on a less crazy form. The lyrics are typically gritty, lifted from many blues standards and the swagger of the bulk of the song lend an eternal cool.

9. That’s The Way (III). An utterly gorgeous song brightened by hippy sentiment, darkened by the twist on innocence within and the tragic acceptance of things being unchangeable. Plant barely sings throughout the verses, gently reciting the words instead lending a placid ambivalence to proceedings, while Bonzo is completely absent. Page’s lead riffs is airy and folksy enough to catch the ear but also leave space for the flourishes to be all the more powerful. The coda is interesting, complete with tambourine and Jones’s mandolin, floating off over the horizon in a sweet dew of loveliness. The BBC Sessions recording adds a slightly more Country twist as Page slides about the fretboard, while Plant adds comedic pronunciations to certain words.

8. Going To California (IV). Another wistful, largely gentle folk love song from a band mostly famous for destroying eardrums rather than settling nerves. This apparent dedication to Joni Mitchell is another flawless example of how a heavy rock band can make a softer song. Again, the acoustic guitar and mandolin duelling over Page and Jones serves the song well. Not only acting as a hippy statement it also stands as Plant’s description of his feelings moving from a quiet life in England to the craziness of excess, groupies, stardom, war etc in the US. Free from choruses, the song has a loose feel with the words and music rambling along in an endless journey.

7. Tangerine (III). The third mostly soft, mostly acoustic track in my top 10 is Tangerine. I did one of those awful ‘Which blah blah blah are you?’ surveys years ago – Which Led Zep song are you? Apparently I am Tangerine. With more misheard lyrics than you can shake a choirboy at, Tangerine is 3 minutes of genius. A false start, a count in, and then a basic verse/chorus structure followed by a swirling, double-tracked ending is pretty much the whole song, but that would be discounting the wonderful steel pedal guitar, the touching lyrics, the prominent bass, and the weird guitar solo. It’s simple, but with a wealth of feeling and depth of emotion, it is a song which will win over romantics for the rest of time.

6. Kashmir (PG): Possibly the most covered/sampled song the band ever wrote, it is an epic which never fails to stir a crowd into a frenzy of dnacing, moshing, and appreciation when played live. That stomping, scaling riff, balanced to perfection by Bonzo and Jones is eternal -creepy, stormy, evocative, and gives Plant all the freedom he needs to stretch his cords. Plant is at turns, crisp, growling, whining, the strings lend a richness and Eastern otherness, while the lyrics are typically mystical.

Page

5. Thank You (II): Plant’s loving, gorgeous dedication to his wife is one of the all time great underated love songs. The lyrics are at once heartfelt and unashamedly embarassing – everything a dedication of love should be. It was Plant’s first solo writing credit, Page fills in with backing vocals, an endearing progression, and sublime solo, Bonzo slaps away, while Jones gets to show off his great organ work. I love the false ending and swirling return.

4. Since I’ve Been Loving You (III): An absolutely brutal blues metal track with some of the greatest guitar ever recorded, including an extraordinary intro (accompanied by thunderously lazy drums, vacant organ, and an occassional Plant scqwuak) and one of the all time great solos. The entire song is basically 7 minutes of Page wankery, but it’s so powerfully and atmospheric, and it suits the steamy lyrics and Plant’s anguished delivery so well. The high point of an originally ill received third album, this is perfection at its most perfect.

3. Stairway To Heaven (IV): The greatest song ever written isn’t my favourite by the band, but that leading sentiment is one which I struggle to deny. Inspired and inspirational, epic and creative in every sense, beautiful, loud, gentle, with writing and playing so stunning that you wonder how four blokes from England ever created it. I don’t want to gush about it too much, as much better people than me have been doing it since the first time it was played, but it is simply put, one of the greatest achievements in music.

2. Achilles Last Stand (P): The most epic song by a band known for their epic songs, this is one that is largely forgotten and rarely spoken of, unsurprising when you have Kashmir, Since I’ve Been Loving You, and Stairway in your team. Achilles Last Stand is completely overblown in every way, absurdly mystical, and filled with ridiculous musical and lyrical moments – and it’s all the better for it. With massive over-dubbing, multi-layered tracks it is the essence of excess, but taken to such extreme precision that it becomes a frighteningly well-crafted beast with incredible depth – how many plus 10 minute songs can you listen to on repeat and never get tired of? Everyone is on top form, but it’s largely Plant’s stage, breathtaking at every turn. Oh, and that dual drumming and riffage pretty much single handedly created metal as we know it today.

1. All My Love (ITTOD): Most would consider this as one of the worst Led Zep songs, the band jumping the shark, the band at their most cheesy, the band signalling that they were about to depart, but you must remember that those people are idiots. This tearful dedication to Plant’s dead son is haunting, horrible, tragic, and I suspect that most dislike it because of that synth. I’m not sure the song would have worked without the synth, but I’d love to hear a clean piano version, or a plain acoustic version – come on, Tori, get on it. It’s easy to recognize its faults, but with some wonderful lyrics, a painfully touching chorus, and that bizarre synth solo all add up to make this my favourite Led Zep song.

As always, feel free to comment on my list and offer your own favourites.

Gettin The Led Out