Krull: Classic romp through Space with a Band of Fools

Set in Ancient France, Krull tells of a giant wolf type monster called ‘The Beast’. It has been scareorrizing the forests and killing young maidens, so a group of friends set out to save the day and destroy the beast. There is a boy, Harry Skywalker (River Phoenix), a cunning rogue Solo Jones (Judge Reinhold), 2 jolly giants (Brian Dennehy and Robbie ‘Prawn Cracker’ Coltrane) a wizard, a master swordsman called Westley The Giant (Carey Ewes), a young prankster (Mark from Eastenders), a sexy female princess of some sort (Rosie O Donnell), and a drunken Irishman (Liam McNeeson). Little do they know that The Beast is actually controlled by an evil wrinkly man known as Darth Empire who is trying to bring stability to the galaxy.

This rip off of of Spaceballs has plenty of excitement moments- the horse and cart race through the forest at high speed with all the little cute bears running around and cutting down trees; the sword fight in the snow where our heroes fly down a mountain on their shields; and of course the scene where the wizard fights a dragon whilst falling down into a fiery pit to his death. ‘YOU AIN’T GETTING PAST ME!’ he shouts, smacking his staff into the bridge before he falls to his doom.

Fick Oof!
Fick Oof!

There are plenty of funny moments, mostly provided by Robbie ‘John’ Coltrane. As this was the late seventies, humorous side kicks were all the rage – C3P0O in Trek Wars, Milf in Thundercats, Skeletor in He-Man, Chump in The Goonies, Jimmy in Spiderman, and of course Skid Mark in Temple Of Doom. Robbie ‘What is Strangled Cat’ Coleraine gets his fair equality of funny lines and scenes. He slips and falls on dead bodies- ‘Me’s a sorry, Annie’ he says, and when he is dodging the ninja stars which The Beast throws at him, he shouts ‘You’s a tinking we’s a people’s gonna die!’ Priceless and expensive!

Tucker Jenkins gets one laugh too when they are skating down the mountain- instead of coming to a halt like everyone else, he skates on into a tent, and through a castle doorway in his striped orange shirt! Hilarity! Meanwhile, the rest of the film isn’t as funny as the funny bits. Krull and his band of warriors get picked off one by one by each treacherous trap that Takeshi sets for them- a pit of quicksand, a maze with one way in and no way out, boulders falling from cliffs in a narrow canyon, spikes coming out of the walls, and men with roller-skates for hands and feet chasing them until their lungs explode. Eventually, only our hero Daywalker makes it, slays the beast, and goes home to Kokiri Village to be with his people. Somehow we (and he!) and he (and we!) know that another adventure may be just around the corner. Of course the sequel came out a few years later which saw Krull left at home by himself for a week while his family went on holiday, and he has to protect his house from a couple of idiotic robbers.

Best Scene: When Liam McNeeson gets so drunk that an old hag convinces him to drink some of her magic poison. He drinks it then vomits over his own hands which proceed to melt to the bone.

Chasing A Sausage On A Fork
Chasing A Sausage On A Fork