The Walking Dead – Unpublished Screenplay 5

INT. A SLAUGHTERHOUSE. DAY

A group of cannibals have tied up our heroes and are about to cut their throats.

GARETH: Any last words before, heh heh, dinner?

OLD MAN HERSHEL: Our father, who art in heaven…

GARETH: Oh please, ‘your God’ can’t help you now. Anyone else?

RED SHIRT: Please, I don’t want to die!

GARETH: How uninspiring – slice this guy’s throat already.

In a twelve minute scene, the Red Shirt is skinned alive, has his throat cut, is chopped into pieces, then Gareth dances the Macarena wearing Red Shirt’s skin.

RICK GRIMES: I promise I’m going to kill you.

GARETH: Oh really? If this guy’s God can’t kill me, how do you expect to?

A sudden THUNDERBOLT shoots from the SKY and torches GARETH and the other baddies. They are now dead.

OLD MAN HERSHEL: For ever and ever. Amen.

RICK GRIMES: Oh Lord, why hast thou forsaken me!

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The Walking Dead – Unpublished Screenplay 4

INT. AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. NIGHT

GLEN: So that’s the plan – I’ll sneak around the back and make a bit of a ruckus to distract the biters, then you come around from the other side and grab the big box of food, got it?

RICK GRIMES: Sure thing, skip. Lets – AGH! ARRGGH! Something’s biting me!

GLEN: It’s fine, your shirt just got caught on the sharp edge of a wooden crate

RICK GRIMES: No, I’ve been infected! Quick, hack off my arm before I become a zombie!

GLEN: No, you’re going to be – oh, alright then.

The Walking Dead – Unpublished Screenplay 3

EXT. A FIELD INSIDE A PRISON. DAY

OLD MAN HERSHEL: Now listen up, everyone. The Lord has felt it necessary to wreak this plague upon us to shame us for our iniquities, but while we still live we need to prepare for the fut- Rick, what on Earth are you doing?

RICK GRIMES: Handstands.

OLD MAN HERSHEL: Han- why are you doing handstands? We’re having a serious discussion about farming, and irrigation, and such.

RICK GRIMES: Yeah I know but, handstands are much more fun. Look – weeeeee!

OLD MAN HERSHEL: Rick, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever – it does look kinda neat though. Let me try. Weeeeeee!

The Walking Dead – Unpublished Screenplay 2

EXT. A CREEPY WOOD. DAY

RICK GRIMES: Sigh. Another awful day in the zombie apocalypse. I wonder if anything interesting will happen today

MICHONNE: Stop right there, white boy, befo I chop off yo head!

RICK GRIMES: Oh, hello. Pleasant day we’re having, isn’t it.

MICHONNE: Da fuq you talkin’ bout? Can’t you see I got this big ass sword and these two jawless biters tied to me?

RICK GRIMES: Yes ma’am, you said it! Another glorious day in the zombie apocalypse. (Singing) ‘Sunshine, lollipops, and – zombies – everything that’s do-bee-do-bee-la-dee-da-dee-bee together!

MICHONNE: Dis bitch be cray…

The Walking Dead – Unpublished Screenplay 1

INT. A HOSPITAL WARD. DAY

RICK GRIMES (Waking up and yawning): Ahh, nothing like a nap to sooth those aching wounds. Wait a second, aching wounds? Where am I?

Shuffling sounds and moans come from outside the room

RICK GRIMES: Heh- hello? Is there anyone out there?

A zombie dressed in a police uniform shambles into the room

ZOMBIE SHANE: Rrrriiiiik!

RICK GRIMES: Oh no! It’s the Zombie Apocalypse!

ZOMBIE SHANE: Rrriiiiiik… iiwsssffffkkkknng Loorrrreeeeeee!

RICK GRIMES: What’s that? Little Coral is trapped down a well? Lets move!

Depressed musings on a blog

Views fading.

Recently I’ve actually been paying attention to my blog, writing original material, and actually putting some care into what I write for a change. I’ve even been (gasp) happy with some of the stuff I’ve written in recent posts. However, the downward spiral continues. My views are dwindling. I’m aware that this blog is a mess, that the About page is worse than nonsensical, and much the material makes a mockery of the word ‘niche’. However, it has always been that way. Much of this year has seen disastrous viewing figures. I don’t normally care about this as the blog is just an excuse to ramble, to maybe get a few laughs from some other like-minded weirdos out there, but it’s interesting to me that the numbers have seen a downturn recently when I feel my writing has actually been respectable.

Ha ha. Ooh, Mr. Nightman, this is just so... what's the word..?
Ha ha. Ooh, Mr. Nightman, this is just so… what’s the word..?

So, I had a look to see what my top 10 most popular posts are to see if I have been doing anything anti-popular recently. Out of my top 10 posts:

7 are music based (3 of these list-based, the other 4 album reviews)

The 4 album reviews are of Beatles albums

3 are Movie reviews

2 of the movies are Tim Burton films

2 of the movies are Johnny Depp movies (only 1 by Burton though)

Those lists are fairly recent, and the album reviews are only a few years old. Now, those movie reviews, as well as most of the movie reviews on the blog are old. Most of them were copied from my Amazon years ago. In fact, most of them were copied to Amazon from my IMDB account, added to IMDb 10 or more years ago. They’re old. They’re not good. I was young. I was a student. I was drunk. Today, I’m older, not particularly wiser, and still considerably drunk.

Not quite this level of drunk, but then I'm not an aristocrat
Not quite this level of drunk, but then I’m not an aristocrat

As far as I can tell though, I’m still awesome. The internets just don’t want the likes of me. That won’t stop me writing of course. If I can’t be a beacon, I can be a plague. If I can’t be a saviour, I can be a scourge. If I can’t be Freshly Pressed, I can be Freshly Depressed, whatever that means. Now, you probably won’t find me commenting on many other blogs, or becoming some sort of overly social, blogging maestro, which the Wordpress Gods say increases traffic, but I will comment on every post. So far, The Spac Hole has had a good run, with zero advertising or promotion, and an abundance of filth which even the dirtiest minds would want to avert their eyes from. Long mat it continue. So, I’ll keep writing, a few hearty souls will accidentally land here, and the world will keep spinning further and further off its axis until it is sucked off into The Spac Hole eternally.