Look, we all need a hobby. My kids asked me to write a story about poo. I thought this was better. Just have a look at these and laugh. Or possibly unfollow. I’m tired.
INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY
MICHONNE: I’m every woman, it’s all in me!
RICK GRIMES: Hello, sweetheart, what are you up to?
MICHONNE: Oh! You startled me! I was just, um, practising my sword skills.
RICK GRIMES: Really? Because it looked like you were singing Whitney Houston’s greatest hits.
MICHONNE: No, that was me thinking of something witty to say for when I finally kill The Governor.
RICK GRIMES: I see. You know, Whitney Houston’s probably a zombie now.
JOHN CARPENTER’S BATMAN
Bruce Wayne/The Batman: Kurt Russell
The Joker: Also Kurt Russell
Alfred/Robin: Donald Pleasance
Vicki Vale: Jamie Lee Curtis
Tina Twotitz – A Giggling Wench: Adrienne Barbeau
Commissioner Gordon: Carey Grant
A throbbing synth soundtrack fades in, lurching, setting a tone of foreboding. There is a sweeping shot of a city at night: Gotham City. The following words light up the night sky in a neon blue: John Carpenter’s Batman
EXT: GOTHAM CITY. A BUSY STREET – NIGHT
What a riveting performance of Snow White that was. That Widow Twanky was a real character. Ha ha ha! I love Christmas, I do.
Look out – he’s behind you!
Oh no he isn’t! Yes, dear, get into the festive spirit!
No, I really mean it, look out!
Gimme all yer money, punk, or I’ll fill ya full of lead.
You’d better do as he says, he has an ill-favoured look about him.
Uh… yes… here you go, sir. We are but poor folk, and have few wares.
Yes, hand it over, yes, that’s it. Now, time for a joke – you like jokes don’t you?
Why yes, I am partial to the odd jest.
Good, good. I like an appreciative audience. What did the couple say to the gunman?
THE WAYNES (together)
We don’t know, what did the couple say to the gunman?
NAPIER shoots them both in the face twelve times.
Nothing! Because they were dead! Heh, I should be a joke-guy.
NAPIER runs away before the sound of the GUNSHOTS alerts the AUTHORITIES, but in his escape, he is crushed by a MARAUDING ELEPHANT.
My…… face… my beautiful face…..
INT. WAYNE MANOR – DAY
Don’t fret, sonny. Your parents luvved ya, and ol’ Alfred is here to look after ya. You’re the richest boy in the world. Perhaps we could talk about a pay rise for ol’ Alfr-
You are correct, my loyal slave. Now, my first order – I command you to build a huge indoor playpark in the subterranean caves beneath my home, complete with slides, ballpits, but no clowns. I hate clowns!
Yes sir, but there are lots of bats down there. Rats too.
Bats, you say?
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE. 10 YEARS LATER – DAY
I now pronounce thee, King and Queen.
All hail the King!
Thank you all for coming on this gracious day. And special thanks to our new friend, Bruce Wayne – Billionaire playboy, and mysterious bachelor!
No worries. I must say, this palace is rather small for my tastes, but it’s the perfect venue for such a lovely wedding.
Now, the Royal photos!
Let us retire to the Ballroom!
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE BALLROOM -DAY
Now, the Royal entertainment!
A group of delightful clowns enter and begin capering about, throwing pies, and generally creating a nuisance. One Clown approaches the throne.
Your Royal Highnesses, may I ask you a not so serious question? Have you ever danced with the devil on a Tuesday Morn?
Eh…. no. What does that even mean?
It means, you’re all about to DIE!
The clowns are really baddies! They pull out all manner of comedy-related weapons – giant over-sized hammers, knives made out of guns, guns made out of knives, guns which shoot knives, and guns made out of knives which shoot knives made out of wives.
OOOOOH…. KAAAYYYY, guys and gals, I want you all to hand over your loot, and I want all the celebrity football players to pull down their pants!
WTF, that’s not part of the plan?
Aww, come on boss, lemme have some fun.
Does that lady have…. two tits?
Uh, excuse me for a moment, I have to go behind this curtain.
WAYNE goes behind a curtain, and after some fumbling, Batman emerges!
Hands up, baddies, The Batman is here!
Curses! Why must this caped crusader always interrupt my doings?
BATMAN starts beating everyone up, including the KING and QUEEN, but THE JOKER, TINA, and some assorted FIENDS escape by painting a black tunnel on the wall, through which only they can traverse.
I have a feeling that’s the last we’ll be seeing of those scoundrels.
I am here! Baddies beware! Ouch, my pelvis!
Alfred, please take off that ridiculous outfit.
INT. THE OFFICES OF THE DAILY SHITE – DAY.
I’m telling you, sir. If you’ll just look at my shots of The Joker, you can tell that he’s really Jack Napier – all he’s done is smear lipstick on his chin and slick his hair back.
Fake news! I am the chief editor of this newspaper and I’m telling you that The Joker is NOT my good friend and lover Jack Napier, ugh, I mean, The Joker is NOT really that criminal who mysteriously vanished and is in no way being financed by a rich tycoon to further his own tyrannical plans. Now, it is my yum yums time, fetch my baboon!
JIMMY OLSEN enters, leading a baboon on a leash. Its mammary glands are engorged and dripping.
Ahhh, yum yums!
TRUMP begins to suckle from one teat, while fondling the other.
INT(EXT?) THE BATCAVE – NIGHT
Sir, I wish you wouldn’t sit down here brooding so much. It’s unhealthy. At least put some boxer shorts on.
I can’t, Alfred. I just can’t.
Fine. What is bothering you this time?
I just can’t help shake the feeling that THE JOKER is going to strike again. And something that Vicki women said to me – that THE JOKER killed my parents – makes me think he was somehow connected to the unsolved murder of my parents. DAMN IT! I just can’t work it out!
Perhaps a drive in the BATMOBILE will help clear your mind, sir?
INT. THE BATMOBILE – NIGHT
Cruising along in my Batmobile, looking for fun, or some baddies to kill.
(For the purposes of humourous rhyming, he pronounces ‘kill’ as ‘keel’). Screams and laughter are heard OS.
Hmm, sounds like there is trouble afoot. Leave that woman alone and come quietly, or there will be… trouble.
No way man, no way man! The Joker runs this city, and he says we can do whatever we want!
Take me to him. Now.
No way, man!
BATMAN punches one baddy so hard that his head explodes.
Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.
Okay, man, okay. He lives at 621 Cowan Avenue.
BATMOBILE – set co-ordinates for 621 Cowan Avenue.
INT. THE JOKER’S HIDEOUT – AN ABANDONED FUNHOUSE – NIGHT
He is coming. I can…. sense it.
I am here sir, I have news.
My power is growing. I knew you were coming. What is your news? Wait, let me guess….. he is coming. I can… sense it.
How did you do that? The Batman has just arrived in his dreaded Batcar. What should we do?
BOB sniffs a flower on The Joker’s shirt, but it squirts acid all over his face. BOB’S face melts in a grisly eight minute scene until only a skull is left.
Now, tell the others to get ready!
I think he’s dead.
And now you are dead too! Both of you!
BATMAN and THE JOKER have a ridiculous fight all over The Funhouse, through rooms with funny mirrors, and revolving doors and such. For some reason, VICKI VALE is also there.
Ah ha! You’re that reporter! I loved your story about the economic struggles faced by students in the North of England due to the recent recession.
Not as much as you’ll like this!
VICKI kicks her down some stairs and TWOTITZ lands on her breasts so hard that she bounces out of a window and onto a spiked fence.
Gee, that was some sharp wit.
EXT. THE FUNHOUSE ROOF – NIGHT
Heh heee heee! Look, TRUMP has contacted the National Guard and his army of impotent incels to eliminate us both for fear that one or both of us will reveal his involvement in bank-rolling my murderous antics. Either we work together to get out of this, or we both perish.
Fine. You take the left, I’ll cover the right, but mark my words, when this is over, you and me will – GET – IT – ON!
Don’t threaten me with a good time!
A large firefight ensues, with Hero and Villain teaming up to defeat a greater evil. Eventually, they fight off the hordes of GUN NUTS.
Phew, that was close.
Indeed. And now I must place you under arrest, or something.
Nah, not today.
The Joker leaps off the building, using the combined power of his massive clown trousers and the steam rising from the corpses of all the dead GUN NUTS to float away through the city.
We will meet again, my arch nemesis. We will meet again.
INT: THE OFFICE OF THE DAILY SHITE – DAY
Mmmm, yum yums. So delicious. So nice.
Put down that Baboon, you’re under arrest for the murder of many people, and also for whatever it is you are doing to that poor forsaken beast.
Wha? Fake news, fake news!
You’re not going to lie your way out of it this time. You have that thing’s breast in your mouth, and you are covered in blood, and you’re wearing a T-shirt which reads ‘I DID IT’, and you’re watching a video of yourself throwing grenades into a Mexican village. How much more proof do we need?
Fake news! Benghazi! Killery! Ugh…. fake news!
EXT: THE TOP OF THE POLICE HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
Thanks to you, we were able to lock away Trump for eight thousand years.
All in a day’s work.
And now I have a promotion and a snazzy new office, and free access to yum yums whenever I desire.
And yet, the city is not safe. Somewhere out there, a painted loon is plotting his next evil move. Oh, wait, there he is!
BATMAN spots THE JOKER walking on the ground below, and drops a brick on his head, killing him instantly.
I guess you could say ‘The Joke’s on him’.
I don’t get it.
EXT. A GRAVEYARD. DAY
RICK GRIMES: Lori, I just wanted to say… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when all the zombies came, and now I’m here and you’re in this grave, dead.
CARL: Hi, dad. What you doing?
RICK GRIMES: Oh, hello son. I was just talking to your mother, and putting some flowers on her grave.
CARL: Uh, dad. What are you talking about? Mom’s not dead.
RICK GRIMES: Yes she is, remember? You were there.
CARL: No, that was some other lady. Look, mom’s over there.
RICK GRIMES: Huh? Where? Where!
CARL: Ha ha! Made you look!
EXT. SANTA ROSA. CALIFORNIA – DAY
A WOMAN drives into a DRIVEWAY in a CAR and steps out.
What? We have just bought this inexplicably gargantuan house that there’s no way we can possibly afford given that we are apparently unemployed, and now you have also purchased a Hollywood grade camera. And now you are pointing it at me.
Why you do that?
Well you know, it’s what all the kids are doing these days – filming pranks, shooting themselves eating tide pods, unwrapping toys, and uploading the clips to Instagram
Emm, oh right. What year is this again? 2007?
It’s 2006, you dick.
Really? Right. What about Youtube – is that a thing?
Yes. Micah, you are behaving quite oddly today, and only marginally less annoying than you will be later.
HA HA HA! Yes, it’s wonderful being young, white, and Middle Class in these United States! Nothing will ever go wrong!
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
KATIE is brushing her teeth. MICAH is grunting.
HEURRRRGH! RARRRRR! PLOP!
Seriously? Do you really need to drop one off while I’m in here? It’s disgusting.
And why on Earth are you filming this!?
Gotta get dem likes and subcribes, boiii!
Well, don’t get any ideas about bringing that thing into the bedroom tonight. I need my beauty sleep because my sister KRISTI and her husband DANIEL are coming, but not his daughter – our niece – ALI, or their son, HUNTER.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Ahhh, I can’t wait to get into bed tonight, for a long and restful night without any funny or spooky busin- hey, what is that thing doing in here?
Ugh. Why are you always com-plain-ing about EV-REE-THING? Look, it’s important that we document every pointless second of our worthless lives for future generations. You never know who might need it! Now stop your yapping and take off your bra.
I will not!
MICAH begins stamping his foot in front of the CAMERA and mewling like a SPANKED INFANT.
Stop that right now, you’re making the floor creak!
MICAH stamps his FEET around the room until A DRESSING GOWN falls off the BEDROOM DOOR.
What the!? Did you see that? The dressing gown just flew onto the ground as if possessed by an evil spirit! I think this house might be haunted! YIPPEE!
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
KATIE and MICAH are in BED. They are sleeping. THE DRESSING GOWN lies on the floor where it fell earlier.
MICAH (mumbling in sleep)
Mmmy life is brrilllya. Mmylifeis mmmm. You’re beautifu-ul, it’s true!
Suddenly, the DRESSING GOWN stands up all on its own as if possessed by an evil spirit. It starts to MOONWALK in front of the CAMERA before sliding out of the door and out of sight.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Wowzers – look at this footage!
What is it? Did you record any further ghostly sightings?
No, somehow I missed those, but check out how cool the toilet looks when it flushes in HD!
The DOORBELL RINGS.
That’s probably my sister, KRISTI and her husband DANIEL.
Cool! I can’t wait to show DANIEL my sweet setup.
Where is your husband, DANIEL?
He couldn’t make it, he is busy setting up cameras around our house.
KATIE and MICAH together
Cameras? Really? Why?
Yeah, also he hasn’t been cast yet, and come to think of it, neither have I, but we can retcon those details in later.
Let me give you some privacy so you can talk about WOMAN STUFF. I’ll just leave my camera here.
MICAH leaves and KATIE and KRISTIE sit down
So why do you have a camera now? I hope you haven’t encountered any spooky goings-on? Going-ons? Whatever.
Well, now that you mention it, I did think I heard some chilling noises last night, and ever since we’ve moved here I think I keep seeing a shadow standing at the bottom of my bed. And one time I thought I saw a Mexican running through my kitchen, but that seems unlikely.
Oh ho ho, I’m sure it’s probably nothing. La la la, lets talk about something else.
Wait a second, I’m remembering more things – things I had forgotten about. Things from our childhood.
Yeah, our childhood was great. Nothing weird ever happened. Apart from that time our parents were gruesomely and mysteriously murdered and our Grandmother had to take care of us.
WHAT!? I had forgotten that – I thought they died in a totally accidental housefire! But who cares, what’s important is that I remember I had a friend called Toby. You all thought he was imaginary, but he was really real! Wouldn’t it be cool if he came back?
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
MICAH and KATIE are sleeping again, the lazy BASTARDS. Suddenly, the DOOR creaks open. It’s really quiet, but out of nowhere A LOUD NOISE MAKES A LOUD NOISE!
Jesus, do that in the bathroom will you?
I’m like literally terrified. I think this house really is cursed! I want to move out!
MICAH slaps her face. Twice.
Silence woman, you are being hysterical. The only thing cursed in this house is your infernal mouth.
I’m so sorry, sweetie, I’ll be good.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
KATIE is literally on the TELEPHONE. Not literally.
Come on, come on, pick up. Oh! Yes, hello! Is this the Priest’s hotline? Oh, thank goodness. Tell you what it is, I recently moved into a new house and I think it might be haunted – possibly by my imaginary childhood friend, TOBY. Uh huh. Uh huh. Mmm. That’s right. Uh huh. Mmm. A crucifix, yes. Uh huh. Got it. Mmm. Uh huh. Oh – you’ll send someone over right away? That’s fantastic! I’ll be here!
EXT. DRIVEWAY – DAY
A PRIEST arrives on a BICYCLE. You know he is a PRIEST because he is carrying a BIBLE, a set of BEADS, a LARGE FLASK with ‘HOLY WATER’ written on the side, and one of those things around his NECK.
Hello, you must be KATIE, and I must be a PRIEST.
You are correct on both counts. Do come in.
Ah, before we enter, I would like to say a quick prayer in LATIN, if you don’t mind.
Go ahead, that’s what I’m paying you for.
Semper ubi, sub ubi. AMEN.
I don’t think that means what you think it means, but whatever.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The PRIEST is looking up at the ceiling, as if he can see something only he can see. He SHIVERS.
This place is…. evil. This room…. this house…. that lamp…. evil.
Oh woe! Is there nothing you can do!? Why will no one help us poor, defenceless millenials!?
This rug…. that wall… evil.
Suddenly, ANOTHER REALLY LOUD BANG GOES BANG, and the EVIL LAMP wooshes across the room and smashes behind the PRIEST.
What the fuck! That lamp almost got me! I’m getting out of here!
But what should I do?
Contact your Rabbi!
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
KATIE is in the shower. The CAMERA is watching every CREVICE. Uh oh! The DRESSING GOWN is moving again!
Now’s my chance. BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW!
The DRESSING GOWN steps into the SHOWER with KATIE.
What the – OH NO! HELP!
For a moment it looks like they are struggling, but eventually the DRESSING GOWN wraps around KATIE and begins to squeeze her.
OWW! OWWW! OOOOH! Ooooh, I like that. Mmmm, come here baby.
They kiss and the CAMERA SOMEHOW FADES TO BLACK.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
KATIE is already in BED.
Honey, I’m home! Where are you?
We hear FOOTSTEPS approaching and assume it is MICAH ascending the stairs. We are correct.
Oh, there you are. Sorry I’m late, it’s just, you know what the guys are like when they’ve had a few. I missed you so much.
MICAH stops talking into the CAMERA and turns to see KATIE sitting up in bed and STARING at NOTHING.
Oh, hi, I ah, didn’t see you there. Are you keeping well?
KATIE says nothing. In fact, she doesn’t say anything at all.
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
KATIE and MICAH are sleeping. SOMETHING bumps the CAMERA and KATIE stirs.
Ugh, what a weird dream. I dreamed that I was… never mind. Back to sleep we go.
KATIE lies down again, but is suddenly grabbed by an unseen force and dragged out of the BEDROOM feet first.
MICAH! Help meeeeeee!
In a minute.
No, please don’t kill me, I’ll do anything! TOBY? MICAH!
MICAH finally wakes up, STARTLED.
MICAH runs out of the room. OS we hear various screams and grunts and demonic CACKLES. There is one final yelp, and then a loud SNAP. Then silence. Eventually FOOTSTEPS come up the stairs and we assume it is KATIE or MICAH or DANIEL. We are only half right! KATIE crawls disconcertingly into the room and her face is all weird and messed up in a spooky way. She suddenly lunges at the CAMERA.
CUT TO: BLACK
A TITLE CARD READS:
Five days later, after being alerted by a neighbor concerned by a foul smell, a local Constable found the body of Micah with his head twisted all the way around. This footage was taken as evidence. Katie’s whereabouts are unknown.
POST CREDITS SCENE – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
The Dressing Gown is doing THE THRILLER DANCE in front of the CAMERA.
Keep it down up there, some of us are trying to rest in peace!
It is unclear if this section took place before or after MICAH’S death, but is ironic either way.
EXT. PRISON. DAY
CARL: Look at the flowers, just look at the flowers!
SOPHIA: Why do you keep saying that?
CARL: Cos they’re so pretty. I mean, look at them!
SOPHIA: Carl, there aren’t very many others boys around anymore, and I was wondering. Would you like to be my boyfriend?
CARL: A pansy, a lovely tulip, and ooh look! A sweet pea! I think I’m going to sew this one into my one of a kind, Italian silk, moody, sunkist cravat. Sorry, what were you saying?
SOPHIA: Never mind.
INT. A SLAUGHTERHOUSE. DAY
A group of cannibals have tied up our heroes and are about to cut their throats.
GARETH: Any last words before, heh heh, dinner?
OLD MAN HERSHEL: Our father, who art in heaven…
GARETH: Oh please, ‘your God’ can’t help you now. Anyone else?
RED SHIRT: Please, I don’t want to die!
GARETH: How uninspiring – slice this guy’s throat already.
In a twelve minute scene, the Red Shirt is skinned alive, has his throat cut, is chopped into pieces, then Gareth dances the Macarena wearing Red Shirt’s skin.
RICK GRIMES: I promise I’m going to kill you.
GARETH: Oh really? If this guy’s God can’t kill me, how do you expect to?
A sudden THUNDERBOLT shoots from the SKY and torches GARETH and the other baddies. They are now dead.
OLD MAN HERSHEL: For ever and ever. Amen.
RICK GRIMES: Oh Lord, why hast thou forsaken me!
INT. AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. NIGHT
GLEN: So that’s the plan – I’ll sneak around the back and make a bit of a ruckus to distract the biters, then you come around from the other side and grab the big box of food, got it?
RICK GRIMES: Sure thing, skip. Lets – AGH! ARRGGH! Something’s biting me!
GLEN: It’s fine, your shirt just got caught on the sharp edge of a wooden crate
RICK GRIMES: No, I’ve been infected! Quick, hack off my arm before I become a zombie!
GLEN: No, you’re going to be – oh, alright then.
EXT. A FIELD INSIDE A PRISON. DAY
OLD MAN HERSHEL: Now listen up, everyone. The Lord has felt it necessary to wreak this plague upon us to shame us for our iniquities, but while we still live we need to prepare for the fut- Rick, what on Earth are you doing?
RICK GRIMES: Handstands.
OLD MAN HERSHEL: Han- why are you doing handstands? We’re having a serious discussion about farming, and irrigation, and such.
RICK GRIMES: Yeah I know but, handstands are much more fun. Look – weeeeee!
OLD MAN HERSHEL: Rick, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever – it does look kinda neat though. Let me try. Weeeeeee!
EXT. A CREEPY WOOD. DAY
RICK GRIMES: Sigh. Another awful day in the zombie apocalypse. I wonder if anything interesting will happen today
MICHONNE: Stop right there, white boy, befo I chop off yo head!
RICK GRIMES: Oh, hello. Pleasant day we’re having, isn’t it.
MICHONNE: Da fuq you talkin’ bout? Can’t you see I got this big ass sword and these two jawless biters tied to me?
RICK GRIMES: Yes ma’am, you said it! Another glorious day in the zombie apocalypse. (Singing) ‘Sunshine, lollipops, and – zombies – everything that’s do-bee-do-bee-la-dee-da-dee-bee together!
MICHONNE: Dis bitch be cray…