2019 In Film – A Preview – June

Dark Phoenix

The recent X-Men movies haven’t been as strong as the first two Bryan Singer ones – they’re still watchable, but they’re fairly forgettable and incoherent. I imagine this will be more of the same. It’ll tide them over before they decide to reboot it again or merge it all into one epic Marvel/DC/Beano nuke of crap.

The Secret Life Of Pets 2

I enjoyed the first one, my kids loved it… are animated sequels ever any good though?

Flarsky

Directed by Jonathan Levine who is very much hit and miss – often decent ideas as a writer, often generic or just plain bad in execution. This time around it sounds like a bad idea – loser chases successful woman he knew as a child. Romantic comedy stuff, with probably more ‘adult’ humour.

Men In Black International

I don’t think I ever saw the third one. Does International mean they’re looking at the different MIB agencies on each country? Does this mean Liam Neeson is going to be head of the Northern Ireland branch, headquarters in Ballymena? That would be possibly worth watching, if only to cringe at the accents.

Shaft

Seriously? Again? Why do we need this? Actually, this is sequel to the Sam Jackson one and sees all three generations of the Shaft family popping up, the story sounding like a standard murder mystery. Expect cool one-liners and the odd bit of action.

Toy Story 4

Like MIB, I don’t believe I ever saw Toy Story 3. I suppose I should. I like the other two, just not as in love with them as most people are.

Grudge

Speaking of reboots and remakes and sequels, is any franchise more confusing than The Grudge? It’s already been remade about twelve times. Shit, I still watch them, though I’m sure this is the final straw and will be rubbish.

Child’s Play

I’m not sure if we need a reboot of this especially as we have had plenty of sequels in the original series recently. I haven’t actually seen any past 3, but I always intended to. Same rules apply – kick him off a bridge and walk slowly away.

Untitled Danny Boyle/Richard Curtis Film

Oh fuck, it’s a musical, even if it is Danny Boyle. Keep it away from me. Far far away.

Ford Vs Ferrari

Remember what I said about food, horses, and dancing? The same applies for cars – don’t care.

Limited Partners

Two women from different backgrounds start a beauty company. All you need for this to be any less interesting to me would be a love for horses, food, or cars and have it be a musical. Director hasn’t made anything better than ‘just above average’ though I’ll watch Rose Byrne and Salma Hayek in any old shite. As you can guess, this is not for me.

47 Meters Down: Uncaged

The first wasn’t great, but if it has sharks and people being eaten by sharks then you don’t have to tell me twice.

All You Need Is Love

Ah ha! So this is actually the Unnamed Danny Boyle/Richard Curtis musical. At least the idea is interesting, and if it is actually about Beatles music then I may give it a shot. Just when you think it might be interesting, you see Ed Sheeran in the cast and want to rip your own skin off with a skull.

Which of the above films are you interested in? Let us know in the comments!

The Grudge: Woman, Cat, Boy

To be honest this film doesn’t have an awful lot going for it. It’s Chinese, it has too many women in it, and the order is all jumbled up so you don’t know what day it is or if someone is alive or dead or both. At least it bucks the recent trend of hilarious screamers which started with Scream, you know, those films that try to scare you and make you funny at the same time. There is no comedy here (though the wee boy in the cupboard was quite funny) and unfortunately there are no scares here either (though the wee boy in the cupboard was quite scary). It is a remake of the Chinese TV series ‘Why Does This Lady With The Hair Have An Angry Against Me, Daddy?’ There isn’t really a plot or, it’s just a pile of things happening involving a haunted house. One girl goes to the house; she thinks it’s evil, has a look around, and gets sucked into the attic by a big hairy woman. Another girl replaces the last one, goes to the house and meets a little boy who seems to be made of chalk and speaks like a cat. The big hairy woman comes out and gets her too. The rest of the film involves police, school girls, and others going to the house and getting chased from room to room by the big hairy woman. In one frankly bizarre scene, one girl who escaped the house goes home and goes to the toilet. She sits down and begins doing her business. She knows something is amiss. The scary music starts. Is she alone? Is she safe? The door creaks! Everyone jumps. Her phone rings! Everyone jumps. Plop! Everyone jumps. She looks around the house, but no-one is there so she goes back to the toilet for more. She twitches, thinking something is tickling her bum. Again. And again. She gets up and looks down the toilet (dirty girl) and suddenly- BOO! The hairy woman is in the toilet! She grabs the girl and pulls her down into the darkness. Later, when her boyfriend comes home he goes to the toilet, opens the lid only to find his dead girlfriends head poking round the U bend, one leg bent beside her ear.

As enjoyable as that sounds it really isn’t. I haven’t been able to go to the toilet sitting down since. Yes, I have to stand, facing the toilet at all times. I’m sure you can imagine the shapes I’ve had to put myself into in order to successfully deposit my mail. The rest of the film had less impact, and raised more questions than answers- why was the woman there? Why had the boy swallowed his cat? Why did everyone start crawling around the house, and why didn’t someone just chuck a few grenades down the chimney and be done with it?

Interestingly this Buffy spin off doesn’t feature Gellar at her toughest. It would have been better if she’s called in Giles, Willow, and Xander and they could have talked out the problem and then stake ass. Maybe it was all a nightmare.

Best Scene: When the Chinese woman was walking up the stairs and you could almost see her pants.