Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

This is a glorious documentary based entirely on my youth and the youths of all my friends when we were youthy. Back then I was a rock and metal fan, and on top of those geological pursuits, we were massive music fans- rock and metal to be pacific. It was a funny time so we spent our days laughing at all the funny. We were young, free, and in school, goofing off from 9 till 3, then going on crazy adventures from 3 till bed time. Activities included rolling down hills, listening to music, watching NewJackCity, pretending we were Policecops and stopping cars in the middle of the road, going to the market on Saturdays to annoy Clive the vegetable, Jim the Barber, and Cole the tramp. Presumably, you all did these things also in your youth so you’ll understand my thought meanings. We would host sleep-overs in each others houses where we would stay up late to watch Beavis And Butthead. We laughed at the antics, ha ha; we guffawed at the adverts, ha ha; we headbung to the music, ha ha; we threw stones at that twat Brendan from our secret hiding place (behind him), hardy ha.

The Beavis and Butthead movie conveys an exciting trip across the strange and foreign land of America, in search of demi-Moore (half woman, half breast), and Bruce Willies. On the way they meet an old harlot, a bunch of chumps, their future selves, take the famous drug ‘Coyote’, and end off in Las Vegas, home of Elvis Prestly. They laugh at a dunkey doing a toilet, they laugh at town names (Portavogie), and they get chased by the FCBIS. Beavis also has a few Jeffries in Hank Hill’s caravan. This is an accurate vision of teen life in the 19nineTees as I can remember travelling, laughing, and boob looking too.

Best Scene: When they call Harry Sachs and tell him that he sucks and then he sends buttwoman round to attack Stuart who is at the Mall spitting onto shoppers with his Chinese friend.

Not in the movie, doofus
Arguably the most important movie moment of the 20th Century

Little Miss Sunshine: Comic Genius and Wisdom Genius!

I usually don’t like this sort of film, but I do like comedies, so I thought I would give it a go. I’m glad I did, because this film is a Little Ray Of Sunshine! It is SO funny and SO clever! I haven’t laughed this hard since the fat woman in that Greek Wedding film walked away with her headphones on and hurt her neck! I had a trouser incident that time, and there were many more brown moments here!

Listen to my words: This film is about a family who go for a drive across the world so that they can take their daughter (son?) to a Beautiful Contest. Boring huh? Where are the guns and killings and explodings and head bustings!? Let me finish, idiot. The thing is- the wee girl isn’t a pretty one! Yet she enters this competition to win with her beauty! That was a soil. The best bit is, the rest of her family are strangoids two!

The granda is an old man. Waiting to die you would think, mumbling on rusks and thinking about the good old days? WRONG! This film changes it by making the granda a sexy pest! He likes the beers, he likes the womans, and he loves the naughty words! You didn’t see that coming and no, nor neither didn’t I! It is SO clever and SO smart.

There is a dad. Business man? WRONG! He is insecure and his wife wears the trousers!

There is a mum? Housewife? WRONG! She wears the jeans because her husband likes bras! It is SO funny and SO cleverly.

There is a teenage son. You would think he is a rowd –  chasing girls and shouting like a lout, and talking about sports and boobs and drinking bad juice!? WRONG for another time! It is SO clever because it changes it and does the thing that you don’t expect by making him not speak. He actually wears black and reads books! What is this!? MADNESS!

The family get into many japes as they fly across the planet in their converted school bus (what were they on when they wrote this – cheese!?). They eat in McDonalds and then drive off without paying. They go to a Toga party at a local University and the granda drinks all the wine so the jocks chase them away. The son falls in love with Pamela Anderson and tries to kidnap her at a book signing (he wraps her inside his toga). They keep finding a French cyclist in every town they visit and cause him humusing mishaps, like opening the bus door so he cycles into it, or reversing over his skull while he gently rests in the forest. There are too many bits to mention so I’ll stop. The bit where the police are looking at the dad and he walks with his head down so they can’t see his face, but then he walks into a lamp post! The bit where the dad and granda are sleeping in the same bed and they put each other’s hands between two pillows-except it’s not pillows! I don’t want to spoil anymore so watch it for yourself. The part where the teenage son gets so angry that after 70 minutes of not talking- he actually does actually talk. An amazing shock, and one of thee most impressive slices of irony I’ve ever seen! The bit where the granda climbs inside a coffin, but it is already occupied so he kicks the skeleton in the nuts!

Eventually they get to some place that they were trying to get to (how ironic!) and the girl goes on stage. Rather than get all dressed up like the other women, this film tricks you again by doing something different! I won’t spoil it, but I’ll say that it involves a long black wig, Trevor McDonald, a box of matches, and 12. It is just too amazing lee clever and funny, and too SMART for the average brain! The best film since sliced bread!

Best Scene: There are too many! The bit when they are driving through the ice and the mum decides to lick the window but her tongue gets stuck, and the granda says ‘Stick that tongue on me any day baby!’ Ha ha ha ha heh heh heh hee ha ha HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Utter Shite
Utter Shite

Krull: Classic romp through Space with a Band of Fools

Set in Ancient France, Krull tells of a giant wolf type monster called ‘The Beast’. It has been scareorrizing the forests and killing young maidens, so a group of friends set out to save the day and destroy the beast. There is a boy, Harry Skywalker (River Phoenix), a cunning rogue Solo Jones (Judge Reinhold), 2 jolly giants (Brian Dennehy and Robbie ‘Prawn Cracker’ Coltrane) a wizard, a master swordsman called Westley The Giant (Carey Ewes), a young prankster (Mark from Eastenders), a sexy female princess of some sort (Rosie O Donnell), and a drunken Irishman (Liam McNeeson). Little do they know that The Beast is actually controlled by an evil wrinkly man known as Darth Empire who is trying to bring stability to the galaxy.

This rip off of of Spaceballs has plenty of excitement moments- the horse and cart race through the forest at high speed with all the little cute bears running around and cutting down trees; the sword fight in the snow where our heroes fly down a mountain on their shields; and of course the scene where the wizard fights a dragon whilst falling down into a fiery pit to his death. ‘YOU AIN’T GETTING PAST ME!’ he shouts, smacking his staff into the bridge before he falls to his doom.

Fick Oof!
Fick Oof!

There are plenty of funny moments, mostly provided by Robbie ‘John’ Coltrane. As this was the late seventies, humorous side kicks were all the rage – C3P0O in Trek Wars, Milf in Thundercats, Skeletor in He-Man, Chump in The Goonies, Jimmy in Spiderman, and of course Skid Mark in Temple Of Doom. Robbie ‘What is Strangled Cat’ Coleraine gets his fair equality of funny lines and scenes. He slips and falls on dead bodies- ‘Me’s a sorry, Annie’ he says, and when he is dodging the ninja stars which The Beast throws at him, he shouts ‘You’s a tinking we’s a people’s gonna die!’ Priceless and expensive!

Tucker Jenkins gets one laugh too when they are skating down the mountain- instead of coming to a halt like everyone else, he skates on into a tent, and through a castle doorway in his striped orange shirt! Hilarity! Meanwhile, the rest of the film isn’t as funny as the funny bits. Krull and his band of warriors get picked off one by one by each treacherous trap that Takeshi sets for them- a pit of quicksand, a maze with one way in and no way out, boulders falling from cliffs in a narrow canyon, spikes coming out of the walls, and men with roller-skates for hands and feet chasing them until their lungs explode. Eventually, only our hero Daywalker makes it, slays the beast, and goes home to Kokiri Village to be with his people. Somehow we (and he!) and he (and we!) know that another adventure may be just around the corner. Of course the sequel came out a few years later which saw Krull left at home by himself for a week while his family went on holiday, and he has to protect his house from a couple of idiotic robbers.

Best Scene: When Liam McNeeson gets so drunk that an old hag convinces him to drink some of her magic poison. He drinks it then vomits over his own hands which proceed to melt to the bone.

Chasing A Sausage On A Fork
Chasing A Sausage On A Fork

Knock Off Is A Knock Out!

Yes! This is more like it! Guns, kicks, punches, bombs and there’s even something for the ladies as the plot centres around the pointless world of fashion, and of course Van Damme spends most of the film naked. This time he teams up with NFL star Dennis Rodman to take on some evil fashion designers who have been weaving their clothes from hemp. Once worn, these clothes will instantly intoxicate the wearer, send them into fits of laughter, make them hallucinate and ‘trip’, and eventually descend into a spiral of addiction, crime, and murder that every drug user ever has suffered.

Van Damme is a former model turned super cop and decides he is the best man to infiltrate the group, kick them in the face, destroy the clothes, and save the world. Unfortunately, his boss decides to send a more flamboyant character along as a more modern partner. So they go undercover (sometimes literally!) as a gay couple pretending to want to buy a large shipment of these wonderful summer outfits. This leads to some jolly moments as Van Damme and Rodman attempt to ‘out camp’ each other with scenes reminiscent of the parties Oscar Wilder and Noel Cowardly used to hold for each other. Rodman keeps wearing shorter and shorter skirts, while Van Damme tucks his socks into his shoes and ends every sentence with the word ‘sailor’. “The only thing worse than not having any clothes is having too many” says Van Damme. “The only thing worse than having no clothes is yo momma'” replies Rodney.

Of course the main focus of the film is the fighting and we are not disappointed. Famous Japanese director Sue Hark shows her trademark style with flashy camera movement, bullet tracking shots, cameras attached to Van Damme’s sandals so that we can see a foot eye view of someone on the other end of The Mussels From Belgium’s brutal attack. It is truly rewarding, as rewarding as throwing a dart into Jim Bowen’s left cheek. Dennis Rocksmarth’s moves are OK. Being a big lad, we assume he can look after himself and he throws a few left hoops and upperclamps. His attempts at kicking are hideous and made my cat cry – I’ve seen better kicking from Peter in Dawn Of The Dead.

Sue goes one further though with her interpretation of what would happen if you wore a cardigan of drugs. One character begins to giggle and roll about the floor, and we see what they see; we move to split screen a le Mario Kart. The top half is normal colour vision but spinning around 350 degrees, while the bottom half becomes black and white with blasts of neon colours. This eventually blurs into one and the character enters a world full of spinning knives and shoes being thrown from room to room. It reminded me of playing Doom naked with a live mouse and synthesiser instead of the usual keyboard/mouse combination. The floors and walls are melting and being sculpted by invisible artists into bewildering phrases such as ‘Burt’s Beans are Number 1!’, ‘If you sit in my kitchen you will become a-‘, ‘Jacob the Chicken knows more than your Spleen ever will’, and of course ‘Carry your Turnip with Pride, Brain’. None of this makes much sense and it got a bit irritating after 7 minutes. Eventually the character reaches a help desk made of fire (which itself is made of water) and asks the Sheep in a Tux what is going on. ‘Baaaa’ replies the sheep. ‘Well, that’s what I though but I sought clarification’. As she turns away a large bubble engulfs her in slime and pops loudly. We cut to a wide shot of the women splatting against the ground and realise she has thrown herself off a building.

In the end the co-stars work well together and would go on to star in several more films together, including a theatre version of this film. I haven’t seen it but if it’s half as good as this it’ll be average. If it’s the same quality it’ll be great!

Best Scene: When VD and the DR are lying in bed together and Rodman feels something prodding him. ‘Those aren’t pillows you’re hands are between!’

A Rare Accurate Image Of Homosexuality From Hollywood

Next time, the star of the show could be you! Goodnight!

Ah yes, this takes me back. Many years ago, back in 2001, me and my mates used to watch Jackass sacrilegiously. We would bring in our snacks and drinks, snuggle down on our beanbags and corners, turn the lights down and watch each episode with satanic reverence. Such a show had never been seen, such power and wisdom never portrayed on screen. For a time these men became our idols: Johnny Knockville, Steve-Uh, Panty Boy, Bam Margaret, Presto, Little Man, Danger Eric, Ryan Dumb, Dave Englund etc et all. Every single stunt and sketch they performed for us filled our bellies with merriment and our hearts with warmth. We laughed, we screamed, we soiled each others’ pants. It soon became apparent that it was our lot in life to copy and then improve on these acts ourselves, and eventually create our own earth shattering tricks and treats to perform for the masses and in turn earn ourselves millions! Yes, this is the story of my own misspent youth: JerkassThe Movie

We split ourselves up into roughly two categories: Those who wanted to attempt the stunts, the things which may involve being hurt physically or being sick mentally, and those who could do the funny stuff, like pretending your baby has just been crushed by a 10 tonne truck, you know, the stuff that involved acting. We started off small, jumping across fences and posts on skateboards whilst naked, moving up to diving over cars on a skateboard with one wheel whilst dressed as Freddie Mercury. Eventually we were doing amazing things that Evil Ken Evil would have been proud of: balancing on a unicycle on one finger while hopping between the roofs of moving race cars which were driven by grizzly bears. Of course we employed rat traps, snooker cues, hatchets, tramps, and of course staples. One highlight was a game of tag we played in a rented function room in our local leisure centre. Instead of tagging with our hands, we used cattle prods. Within 12 minutes we were rolling on the floor, covered in mess, crying for our mothers; they never came. When we recovered 2 hours later, we all picked on our own version of Little Man- Bernard. We each stuck him with our prods from behind, from on top, in his leg, in his stomach, in his special area, over and over and over. The results are stunning. I particularly liked the way he ran down the corridor, stripping off his clothes to reveal his burning skin – spillings and devastation dripping everywhere. He bursts through to the children’s’ paddling pool, slips on his back and proceeds to slide into the water which eventually turns a wrong colour. Genius.

Another trick was dressing up as policemen and driving to various houses. When someone came to the door we would inform them that their husband/wife/children had been murdered and record the hilarious results. Sometimes we would hide in post boxes and when someone put a letter in we would jab them with a rusty needle. Once, on a golf course, we hired a truck and trailer, and drove up the 18th fairway with a bouncy castle on the trailer filled with local miscreants let out of the asylum for a day. Even better was when the wind suddenly changed and the loonies decided to go on a rampage through the grounds of the golf club, chasing grannies with a 9 iron, and pretending the real swans in the lake were plastic paddle boats. Unfortunately the public did not find many of these japes particularly amusing and as a result we were reported to the local constable. Soon we were remanded in custody and our tapes and equipment seized. Most of us were given community service and had to work on a farm, clean up dirty swimming pools, or help feed the crazies at the asylum before midnight. I got off light because I pretended to be from Lithuania. Jackass: The Movie went further than the series. We went further still.

Best Scene: When Dave makes a toilet (loady) in the local hardware store even though it doesn’t flush. He stole that idea from me. Speaking of which, I’m busting right now…

All My Friends Are Dead

Heat: Heat Is Cool But Left Me Cold

Mr Man is known for his flashy 80s era MTV style films, and Heat is no different, even if it’s not the same as anything he’s done before. This film is known throughout the universe for having the largest cast of stars in history- you could play 6 degrees of Kevin Beacon with this alone! Yes, if you have a favourite actor or female actor, you can be sure they pop up here somewhere. Let’s have a closer look:

We have Alfred Pachinko starring as a disgruntled cop on the hunt for disgruntled bank robber Robin DeNiro.

DeNero has a gang of criminals under his claw;

Valerie Kilmar with her lovely donkey tail

Tim Sizeless as a disgruntled fat man

Charlston Heston as a mob warlord

Ralph Lungren as a bodyguard

John Fought as a grizzly old something

Will Smith as the wise cracking kid from the hood

Dani Trey-Ho-Tep as a Mexican smuggler

Steve Busheemee as The Man With No Plan

The list goes on. DePesci wants out of the gangster life so he divorces his current femme foetal Charlotte Theron and chases weather girl Amy Bremmennemaneman. She is his one chance at freedom, but will the love of a gangster’s life prove to much for him?

Val Killman is married to Ashleigh Dudd and has a skinny daughter called Natalie Porter. He is always cheating on his wife though with a list of women and strippers played by the likes of Angelina Jolly, Nichole Kilmer, Hank Wazarea, Grace Jones, Mad Una, and in a shocking camero Kirsten Dunce.

Al Pacman lives with his ‘slow’ brother Jimmy Depp and is getting divorced from his wife Diane Keaton. They have a suicidal daughter played by Amidala Portman. His police force consists of Paul Weller, Art Metro, Donald Sutherfield, Harrison Sierra, and Harvey Kitten.

There are a few shoot outs and some excitement moments but mostly it’s just talking and crying. I like films with lots of actions, and this is a film about cops and robbers so there should really be more shootings, cars flying over jumps, snakes in suitcases, poison darts, and pens that shoot fire etc. Plus it’s at least 4 hours long, and as there are so many characters and actors double crossing each other I just got confused. This must be based on a Shakespeare novel or something. I am very upset at this.

Best Scene: Supposedly when Al and Rob meet in the movie it was the first time they met in real life. I thought they had been in several other films with each other but I must have been wrong. There’s a first time for everything!

Are You Speaking To Me!?

Hamlet: Epic Fail

‘To be or not to be’- is that a question? Yes, it is. Is it a good question? No, it is not. In fact, it’s not even proper English. For someone who is supposedly the best writer ever, his English ain’t too good. He should really have said something like ‘Should I be doing this, or should I just top myself?’ or even better ‘if I’m not me, then who da hell am i!?’

Hamlet is a Shakespeare Comedy based on an earlier work by Chaser or someone. They tried to make us study this in school, but most of us couldn’t even read it! I don’t know why they don’t make us read comics, it would be easier, more exciting, more fulfilling, and would make more kids turn up to class. In fact, everyone knows that books and reading is pretty much obsolete these days so they should really just show classic movies or TV shows like The A-Team, CHiPs, and Superted. ‘What have we got next? Asked Neville when we were in school. ‘English I think’ I replied. ‘Balls to that, man, I’m away for a walk’. Yes, when English came around most of us most of the time mostly sat outside the room for most of the class, mostly because we were bored, but mostly because there was a radiator we could stand against. It was cold in school; so cold. Thinking about it now gives me the shivery chills. Brrrr. I think I’ll put some gloves on.

This film as far as I know follows the novel word for word, scene for scene. This is to be expected, given that Shakespears’s Grandson Kenneth Brana stars and directs. There was controversy here as Brana claimed sole writing credits, meaning that Shakespeare never saw a penny, or a shilling as the case may be. Given the length of the book (over 2 thousand pages) the film is actually 7 hours long – a nice bit of irony by Brana as this is about 6 hours longer than any person should be expected to sit in any one place. The story is hardly an original one; a man wants revenge for the murder of his father by his mother’s lover. Simple. Why it takes so long to tell this story I don’t know. Rather than showing the murder, showing Hamlet (what sort of a name is that anyway!?) finding out, and then chasing Alan Rickman and killing him would have been much easier and/or pleasing to the eye. Instead he fills it up with pointless characters like Roseypants and Glidingbum, wastes time with ‘solitudies’ (scenes where a character talks to himself for 10 minutes) and confusing sexy times with his crazy sister Kate Beckinsale. I admit that some of the clothes look nice, but if I wanted to look at fancy costumes I would go to Coventry. There is a scene with a ghost and it was a little spooky, but I would hardly call it scary- another wasted opportunity. There is a sword fight, but there are better sword fights in Once Upon A Time In China, The Matrix, and any number of Hong Kung movies. Brana clearly doesn’t know how to ‘stage’ an ‘action’ ‘scene’. All he can do is talk, and talk… wear black, then talk some more. This is 10 hours of my life I will never get back. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY BANA! If not, I’m coming to Shrewsbury and I’m gonna steal Shakespeer’s pantaloons!

Best Scene: When I fell asleep and dreamt that I was driving a tank through a field of zombies. Crrrrunnch! I rescued Melinda Culea from them (and later from her clothes) and we went on together to find Jan Michael Vincent who was busy serenading pigeons with his impressive Tromboner.

Brana prepares for the famous speech
Brana prepares for the famous speech

Godzilla: Whoa There, Big Fella!

Godzilla is the American version of the crazy Chinese/Japanese original series. Who else but them could come up with a name like Godzilla. It’s good that the Americans decided to keep this name rather than choose their own- it probably would have ended up being called Josh, or Todd, or The Big Dinosaur From Somewhere Unknown! The only other similarity is that Godzilla still loves to stomp around cities crushing buildings and eating puny earthlings. The bigger the building the better- The Entire State Building must be worth at least 200,000 points alone. Not to mention the mono rail and the Chewitts bonus received when lifting trains off the tracks.

The story goes: America has been experimenting with nukes in a sea far away. The creatures in the sea and on land are affected and mutated. Skip forward fiddy years and a huge earthquake has ripped through the ocean floor somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. A bunch of scientists go out to investigate the strange aftershock readings and find some bewildering things, such as giant footprints. It soon becomes apparent that the quake has awoken a giant dinosaur which was created by the nukes years before. The dinosaur is angry and wants to destroy mankind! It is swimming to the nearest city and so begins a race for the scientists to prepare the city for attack, but who would believe a story about a giant monster? Of course, Zilla arrives and begins punching, kicking, and chowing its way through London with relish. The effects are something truly special. It feels like you are really there, running between taxis, feeling the rumbles of the monster’s footsteps. You look up, way up and see its massive jaws towering far above- it must be as big as 3 men! There is much action, excitement, and funny, and some scary parts; Baby Godzillas chase hapless fools through a hotel and into the sewers. We turn to night vision and don’t see much; all we hear is some odd screechy noises. When the characters turn they see they are being followed by lots of yellow eyes in the darkness and so begins a terrifying chase through the London Subway. In an eerily medically accurate scene, one girl gets bitten and subsequently explodes from her wounds. Realism is key in this film, as it was filmed with a normal everyday cameracorder. Meanwhile the Big Daddy climbs the London Eye to get away from all the helichopters shooting at it, but nothing seems to stop it.

This is vastly superior to the original Black and White films. Firstly it’s in colour so it’s more believable. Secondly, they try to make you feel sorry for G’Z’A in the original, but here he’s just a big nasty brute who must be destroyed. Let me ask you- if you were being chased by a monster, would you turn round and ask it why it was so angry, and if it’s mother never hugged it? No! You would kick it in the gunells and be gone! If this film had been made before the originals then it would be held in higher regard than those ones, but unfortunately the originals were made first. I don’t know who starred in this movie, but I think Geoff Goldbum was there and Matthew Modine.

Best Scene: The tension between the boss of the scientists and the army boss is great throughout. The quote “I’m running this Monkey Farm now, Frankenstein!” is the highlight, just before Godzilla jumps in the window and pulls his legs off.

Monkey Farm

Police Story 3: Stop In The Name Of The Law!

This Chop Foey film continues the story of Superchop Stevie Chan played by Marital Arts Master Jack Chan. The film stars the 4 most famous Chinese actors ever – Chan, Maggie Cheung as his wife, Michelle Yoyo as his boss, and Butch Wiffy as the bad guy. Chan’s Uncle decides to send him to mainland China to infiltrate a Drug Baron called Samedi. Chan must join the group by pretending to be a prisoner and getting it on with Samedi’s left leg man known as Clive. He gains Clive’s trust by busting out of prison together. This scene featured over 500 real prisoners having a riot- Chan fought his way through every one of them and later made sure they returned to their cells after warning them that he would return to finish them off if they tried to make a run for freedom or a run for escape. It is a big excitement scene with lots of kicks and stuff, and one part sees Chan using another inmate as a bat, swinging his way happily through hordes of murderers, rapists, and tax avoiders.

Later Clive takes Chan to Samedi’s Lair where they have some 7-Up and a few games of monopoly. Chan wins (using the boot) and Samedi huffs, killing a few henchmen. Chan thinks he may be in2deep this time. They go to free Samedi’s mistress, Lady Tibet, who has special bank codes but is on death row for walking backwards down a dark alley. Eventually Samedi sees Chan is really a cop (he should have stopped wearing his sheriff’s badge) and tries to kill him. There is a tragic event and Chan goes all Bruce Lee, killing all the bad guys in a ferocious 40 minute finale over roads, rooftops, rivers, racecourses, using cars, carts, copters, capers, and cartwheels. It is packed full of actions and is lovely to watch, especially with a few cans of cant.

Best Scene. When Chan kills a bad guy with a monopoly board, quipping ‘DO NOT PASS GO, SILLY BAD MAN HEAD!’


Ghost: Scariest Films Of Al Times!

I feel that I should warn anyone who was attracted to watching this movie by the name alone- This is not just a horror film- It’s the most terrifying, mind crushingly disturbing piece of art in history. After watching it I spiralled into a foul pit of depression for 17 weeks in which I spoke to no-one, said nothing, went nowhere, and felt only the knowledge of my own impending doom rushing inevitably towards me from all angles. I was enclosed in a tomb of hatred, an OLAP cube filled with emptiness, nine inch nails driven into my very soul, by eyeless creatures with no eyes whose only joy is ill-gained by their concentrated torture of the insane. There was not exactly darkness, but there was an all encompassing absence of light, of life, or breath; it was like existing inside the dying lung of a smoker, like swallowing cement, like choking yourself with the cold feet of a dead neighbour. Imagine a dream where you lose your shoes and have to tie Jennifer Lopez and Andie McDowell to your feet just so that you can push Bernie Mac up a vertical cliff face in a barrel.

Nightmares Of A Damaged Brain

After a few weeks I began to have visions of a new world filled with creatures called Burlapians in which I was an Alien slave recently released. Everyone spat on me as I walked by, and I wasn’t even allowed to enter a Burlapian café for a caramel square. Soon my despair began to manifest itself as boils on the inside of my eyeballs. These boils burst, sending my eyes out of my now devastated carcass of a face and onto the floor. Born from the boils of my despair was another race of miniature creatures which I named Rubtuckuryans, as I was delirious from the pain. I couldn’t see them as my eyes were lost, and even now I doubt their existence, but I felt that they were there and that they were mine, and so I commanded them. If you have never felt the sensation of 14 million little men running over your skin then let me tell you it is among the most exhilarating and revitalising experiences of  life.

More So Even Than This

For the first time in my life I was at one with a larger society. I was their leader, but more than that, I was them and they were me. I was worshipped from all quarters as God, Mother, and Saviour, but by the Burlapian classes as a creature to be derided and shoved. One afternoon when the town was asleep, I sent my 14 million little soldiers on their first and final mission; one of which none could be certain of coming home. They entered the houses of each Burlapian and wreaked the most horrific forms of vengeance ever imagined. I felt sick at the carnage created by my hand. Sick with joy. Sick with sickness. There were many casualties, but the few survivors who stumbled back to me no longer felt a part of me. They had committed such acts that I could no longer fathom their existence and so I screamed to the heavens and launched myself off the nearest mountain top. I hit the bottom at around 150 miles per hour and splashed beautifully across the gray wilderness. At last I was happy and free. I could now come back to life. I woke with a start to find I had grown a bushy yet stylish beard and some odd bacteria between my toes. The TV license people had also assumed I was dead and so no longer send me a bill. So everything worked out in the end.

If you wish to avoid such a trauma then go watch The Exorcist or another less harrowing horror movie. This is too much; The way the hands merge with the clay; the way the spirits come screaming from the shadows to claim the newly dead souls as their own, ripping from our world onto the next; Whoopee Goldberg. Not for the faint hearted; not for anyone. A movie made by Frank after opening the box.

Best Scene: When Swayze is trying to jump through a wall but he doesn’t realise that ghosts are perfectly sold molecular creatures like the rest of us and he breaks his neck smashing into it.