A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Wet Dream

Well, spank mine innards! This is a delightful romp, a camp caper full of rumps. This song is the presequel to A Nightmare on Elim Street 1: First Blood and sees our hero infiltrating a local gay bar. You see, when he was first alive, Freddy was Bi-interested and would often parade in his finery to the gay light district, flaunting his stuff on the steamiest dancefloors, punting his groin into the sweaty darkness of the dankest dives in the hope of encountering some forbidden taboo naughtiness. Unfortunately for him he was tri-ugly and his idea of catwalk strutting flawlessness was an old strippy woolen jumper- hey man! This was the 80s, the height of fashions, and everyone worth a penny knew that jumpers were out, and that pockets sewn in place of zips on pants, and helmets were in! Poor Freddy! He only wanted to fit in, but even those on the sweet fringes of society would not have him. So much so in fact that they pinned him down one night in the Blue Oyster Bar, poured gallons of Buckfast into his orifi and set him alight. ‘Now you ARE a flamer, now you ARE a flamer, NoW you are A flamER!’ they chant in the thrilling opening sequence. As if he wasn’t dead enough by this point, they proceed to beckon down a giant disco ball and crush his charred remains with it. As the ash and bone merges with the sprinkles and light from the glowing orb, the music builds and we get a classic opening credits sequence which has become the hallmark of the series.

Duran Dooran supply yet another smash hit with their epic 2 and a half minuter ‘Dance Into The Nightmare’. The band cavort over each other whilst naked young nubiles are shown in fleeting glimpses on a shadowy canvas, watermarked by images of guns and glasses of Martini. ‘Dance! Into the nightmare! You run away- but you are gay! Dance! Into the nightmare! A spinny splenge- it is Freddy’s Revenge!’

We then get stuck into the veg of the story. A young boy has just moved into the town and has noticed that curiously all the other children are dead and/or missing. It takes him 3 weeks of school to realize this but then it was the 80s and everyone was drunk on cokecane. The boy is a sexually charged young lad and wants to check out the scene, man. One night he enters (lol) a bar (lol) and witness the leather clad beardos with fervour. Soon he is dancing but the other patrons eye him suspiciousedly. One (who you may recognize from the intro) takes him into the toilets, and while they strip and begin to bang each other rather painfully against the stall door, tells the boy to never come back because the town has a terrible secret that could threaten to kill them all. Before the boy can answer, the man squeezes him down the toilet and flushes. The boy wakes up coughing in a duck pond near his home and decides to investigate. After discovering that the previous year a demon called Freddy had devoured most of the community, but was stopped before he could slaughter any adults, he realizes that the men (lol) of the town are scared that Freddy will posess this young boy and use him as a vessel to rear enter the world for another time. It turns out though that they are correct in their presumptions and Freddy tries to take the boy’s soul via his anis.

Much of this film is very confusing to me because I have never met a gayman, a woman, or a Freddy. I think they were portrayed in a fairly accurate light, especially towards the end when they transform into robots and power up to launch a torpedo attack into the Freddyboymergedmonster. This realism and dedication to this often overlooked subspecies is to be applauded, and more film makers and knee jerking journalists should watch this so that they too can understand what the hell is going through a homo-sapien’s mind. Many critics criticized the film for its overt sexuality scenes. If only we could learn to treat each other with love and/or respect then the world would be a much lovlier, discoier place.

Best Scene: When the boy is studying in his bedroom, turns on the radio and hears some static, only to inexplicably re-enact the dance scene from Footloose atop his bed in a tanktop. This goes on for 17 minutes before the school janitor comes in through the bedroom window and whips his behind (anus) with an elongated hose until both lie panting and laughing on the ground. Come to think of it, I don’t remember any sexual scenes in this film so I don’t know what those critics are talking about!

Nope, I have no idea

You Only Live Twice: Bond does a dead, then a live, then gives some baddies a dead!

Jimmy Bond strikes back in the 10th Bombd film based around the notorious notion that Double No Seven is killed and returns as a SPECTRE. Rodegjer Waters takes time off from the stage to regain his perception of the British Super Agent Jamie Bond. This action sees our heroine take to the skies of Europe, namely China, as he tried to hunt down the celebrity mastermind known as Blojob. Baldy Job has being causing various mischieves and Miss Chiefs, and even the odd Misschievy around the land, namely Earth, for nigh-on 8 cycles, and The FBI have had enough and can’t stands no more. They send Bond to incubate Bobsleigh’s gang THE SPOOKS, who are majorly Asian. ME SO HORNY!. Of course, Sean Rogery is a Kiltsman and doesn’t have the Eastern face. He needs a Green Card to enter and so he takes a wife. His wife is promptly dead. He then does an angry and kicks some ninja children. He then does a despair and inserts a bullet into his skull mush via his PPP gun weapon. Q does a despair. Threepenny does a despair. It is despair. In an enlightening twist though, God (who owns the FBI as per Janis Ian) decides that James De Bond should get a rear entry and squirts him back to earth dressed in the skins of a China. Bon is now suitably disguised and can join the bad guys and take them down from the inside. He disc covers that Bloff has been conducting his terrors from the inside of a giant hurricane. He has a bridge in his hurricane which opens and whoever was standing on it falls into a pool of lava where sharks are swimming, and the sharks shoot acid covered piranha snakes at them. That was a good bit, and quite excitement! Anyhoo, Bond (with the help of his Little Willy) evacuates into the hurricane with a bunch of Samuria, cuts up the place, stops a rocket from crashing into the sea and making a thing happen, and he finally gets his hands on Bowlfull. I won’t ruin the ending, but basically everything happens and the film ends. This is likely to be my most favourite Blonde film out of all of off them, and it is in my top ten too! 11 points!

Best Scene. When Bond is applying himself onto his wife who doesn’t want none of it, so he turns her round and puts his poison all over her mouth and/or lips. She dies and he quips ‘Sorry love’. Ha!

Yesh
Yesh

Lawrence Of Arabia: Lots of things to look at, but Nothing to see

Laurence Of Arabia is a film about an Englishman who decides to become a camel trader in Egypt. He gets involve in Wars, falls in love, and rides his camels. Camels are his one true love and they seem to understand him equally. Laurence is played by Robert Redford, and the best thing about the movie is how great Redford looks riding across the Mohave Desert dressed all in white. It was like watching a ghost movie set in the desert in daylight. Unfortunately, although the film looks pretty, it is far too long and nothing really happens. I like my films to be packed full of excitements, but in the 360 minutes of watching here, there was only one fight scene, one camel chase, and the side of one boob. Very disappointing. Somehow this went on to become one of the most award-winning films of all times, picking up 30 Oscars. If you want a better film about life in the desert, watch Damnation Alley with Jan-Michael-Vincent. It has so much more excitement and has giant scorpions too! I won’t be watching this again and I don’t think you should too. Boring, long, and boring too.

Best Scene: When one man is looking off into the sunset and sees something approaching like a mirage. It takes 6 minutes (one continuous shot) for the thing to come into focus, and the director (who would go on to make The Shining) creates a palpable sense of tension. Is it going to be a monster? A Bad guy? Laurence? In the end it turns out to be the film’s most startling scene- Ronnie Wood wearing the skin of Marianne Faithful, which the costume department stole while she was sleeping and painted orange.

Not Fade Away
Not Fade Away

Eraserhead: What The Balls!?

It’s black and white. 2. There are no subtitles. 3. It makes no sense! What we have here is a pile of drunk and drugged art students who found an old camera behind a dumpster and decided to make a film before they passed out. Want to see little girls hiding inside radiators with their mouths filled with golf balls? Want to see her dance? Want to see a little odd chap with funny hair stand in the dark, in the same place without moving for 10 minutes while the camera zooms in and out of his face? This wouldn’t be so bad except his expression stays the same- he looks like he has soiled himself and doesn’t want Mr Lynch to know. But Mr Lynch does know, and there is a game of wits to see who breaks first.

The madness continues- the man who may or may not be married to one, none, or two women is disturbed to learn that he is a father. Of course, these being drunk and drugged hippy art students- the baby is a fish! And not even something pretty like a Salmon, no, this looks like it has been swimming in a toilet all its life. The girl dances in the radiator for a while, the man soils himself again, and the film ends. What was the point? I’m sure the director was making some sort of extraordinarily intelligent and important point about War or George Bush or something, but all I got from it was a sick feeling. I had to skip through all the moments where nothing happens (most of the film) wishing that the man would go crazy and shoot someone, or at least the fish would turn evil and try to eat someone. I like films where lots of things happen, explosions and fights and fast stuff. Nothing of the sort happens here.

This is like picking up a comic only to find that all the pages are black and white, with no pictures or words or X-Men. Luckily no-one has ever heard of this movie. Maybe I’ll give it to that fool Brendan who lives on my street and he can watch it and self combust. Knowing him though, he’ll probably love it. Fool. This film is not right. It is the product of a disturbed mind. It’s like reaching into your wallet and rather than extracting 5 bucks, you pull out 2 burnt sausages. Half eaten.

Best Bit: When it ended and I threw it out the window and I watched some A-Team instead. It took at least until halfway through the 3rd episode till I felt clean again. It was the one where two fire stations are fighting each other for power and Decker is replaced by Briggs (who himself is re-replaced and vanishes mysteriously).

 

Brain Trauma