Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

This is a glorious documentary based entirely on my youth and the youths of all my friends when we were youthy. Back then I was a rock and metal fan, and on top of those geological pursuits, we were massive music fans- rock and metal to be pacific. It was a funny time so we spent our days laughing at all the funny. We were young, free, and in school, goofing off from 9 till 3, then going on crazy adventures from 3 till bed time. Activities included rolling down hills, listening to music, watching NewJackCity, pretending we were Policecops and stopping cars in the middle of the road, going to the market on Saturdays to annoy Clive the vegetable, Jim the Barber, and Cole the tramp. Presumably, you all did these things also in your youth so you’ll understand my thought meanings. We would host sleep-overs in each others houses where we would stay up late to watch Beavis And Butthead. We laughed at the antics, ha ha; we guffawed at the adverts, ha ha; we headbung to the music, ha ha; we threw stones at that twat Brendan from our secret hiding place (behind him), hardy ha.

The Beavis and Butthead movie conveys an exciting trip across the strange and foreign land of America, in search of demi-Moore (half woman, half breast), and Bruce Willies. On the way they meet an old harlot, a bunch of chumps, their future selves, take the famous drug ‘Coyote’, and end off in Las Vegas, home of Elvis Prestly. They laugh at a dunkey doing a toilet, they laugh at town names (Portavogie), and they get chased by the FCBIS. Beavis also has a few Jeffries in Hank Hill’s caravan. This is an accurate vision of teen life in the 19nineTees as I can remember travelling, laughing, and boob looking too.

Best Scene: When they call Harry Sachs and tell him that he sucks and then he sends buttwoman round to attack Stuart who is at the Mall spitting onto shoppers with his Chinese friend.

Not in the movie, doofus
Arguably the most important movie moment of the 20th Century

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Wet Dream

Well, spank mine innards! This is a delightful romp, a camp caper full of rumps. This song is the presequel to A Nightmare on Elim Street 1: First Blood and sees our hero infiltrating a local gay bar. You see, when he was first alive, Freddy was Bi-interested and would often parade in his finery to the gay light district, flaunting his stuff on the steamiest dancefloors, punting his groin into the sweaty darkness of the dankest dives in the hope of encountering some forbidden taboo naughtiness. Unfortunately for him he was tri-ugly and his idea of catwalk strutting flawlessness was an old strippy woolen jumper- hey man! This was the 80s, the height of fashions, and everyone worth a penny knew that jumpers were out, and that pockets sewn in place of zips on pants, and helmets were in! Poor Freddy! He only wanted to fit in, but even those on the sweet fringes of society would not have him. So much so in fact that they pinned him down one night in the Blue Oyster Bar, poured gallons of Buckfast into his orifi and set him alight. ‘Now you ARE a flamer, now you ARE a flamer, NoW you are A flamER!’ they chant in the thrilling opening sequence. As if he wasn’t dead enough by this point, they proceed to beckon down a giant disco ball and crush his charred remains with it. As the ash and bone merges with the sprinkles and light from the glowing orb, the music builds and we get a classic opening credits sequence which has become the hallmark of the series.

Duran Dooran supply yet another smash hit with their epic 2 and a half minuter ‘Dance Into The Nightmare’. The band cavort over each other whilst naked young nubiles are shown in fleeting glimpses on a shadowy canvas, watermarked by images of guns and glasses of Martini. ‘Dance! Into the nightmare! You run away- but you are gay! Dance! Into the nightmare! A spinny splenge- it is Freddy’s Revenge!’

We then get stuck into the veg of the story. A young boy has just moved into the town and has noticed that curiously all the other children are dead and/or missing. It takes him 3 weeks of school to realize this but then it was the 80s and everyone was drunk on cokecane. The boy is a sexually charged young lad and wants to check out the scene, man. One night he enters (lol) a bar (lol) and witness the leather clad beardos with fervour. Soon he is dancing but the other patrons eye him suspiciousedly. One (who you may recognize from the intro) takes him into the toilets, and while they strip and begin to bang each other rather painfully against the stall door, tells the boy to never come back because the town has a terrible secret that could threaten to kill them all. Before the boy can answer, the man squeezes him down the toilet and flushes. The boy wakes up coughing in a duck pond near his home and decides to investigate. After discovering that the previous year a demon called Freddy had devoured most of the community, but was stopped before he could slaughter any adults, he realizes that the men (lol) of the town are scared that Freddy will posess this young boy and use him as a vessel to rear enter the world for another time. It turns out though that they are correct in their presumptions and Freddy tries to take the boy’s soul via his anis.

Much of this film is very confusing to me because I have never met a gayman, a woman, or a Freddy. I think they were portrayed in a fairly accurate light, especially towards the end when they transform into robots and power up to launch a torpedo attack into the Freddyboymergedmonster. This realism and dedication to this often overlooked subspecies is to be applauded, and more film makers and knee jerking journalists should watch this so that they too can understand what the hell is going through a homo-sapien’s mind. Many critics criticized the film for its overt sexuality scenes. If only we could learn to treat each other with love and/or respect then the world would be a much lovlier, discoier place.

Best Scene: When the boy is studying in his bedroom, turns on the radio and hears some static, only to inexplicably re-enact the dance scene from Footloose atop his bed in a tanktop. This goes on for 17 minutes before the school janitor comes in through the bedroom window and whips his behind (anus) with an elongated hose until both lie panting and laughing on the ground. Come to think of it, I don’t remember any sexual scenes in this film so I don’t know what those critics are talking about!

Nope, I have no idea

You Only Live Twice: Bond does a dead, then a live, then gives some baddies a dead!

Jimmy Bond strikes back in the 10th Bombd film based around the notorious notion that Double No Seven is killed and returns as a SPECTRE. Rodegjer Waters takes time off from the stage to regain his perception of the British Super Agent Jamie Bond. This action sees our heroine take to the skies of Europe, namely China, as he tried to hunt down the celebrity mastermind known as Blojob. Baldy Job has being causing various mischieves and Miss Chiefs, and even the odd Misschievy around the land, namely Earth, for nigh-on 8 cycles, and The FBI have had enough and can’t stands no more. They send Bond to incubate Bobsleigh’s gang THE SPOOKS, who are majorly Asian. ME SO HORNY!. Of course, Sean Rogery is a Kiltsman and doesn’t have the Eastern face. He needs a Green Card to enter and so he takes a wife. His wife is promptly dead. He then does an angry and kicks some ninja children. He then does a despair and inserts a bullet into his skull mush via his PPP gun weapon. Q does a despair. Threepenny does a despair. It is despair. In an enlightening twist though, God (who owns the FBI as per Janis Ian) decides that James De Bond should get a rear entry and squirts him back to earth dressed in the skins of a China. Bon is now suitably disguised and can join the bad guys and take them down from the inside. He disc covers that Bloff has been conducting his terrors from the inside of a giant hurricane. He has a bridge in his hurricane which opens and whoever was standing on it falls into a pool of lava where sharks are swimming, and the sharks shoot acid covered piranha snakes at them. That was a good bit, and quite excitement! Anyhoo, Bond (with the help of his Little Willy) evacuates into the hurricane with a bunch of Samuria, cuts up the place, stops a rocket from crashing into the sea and making a thing happen, and he finally gets his hands on Bowlfull. I won’t ruin the ending, but basically everything happens and the film ends. This is likely to be my most favourite Blonde film out of all of off them, and it is in my top ten too! 11 points!

Best Scene. When Bond is applying himself onto his wife who doesn’t want none of it, so he turns her round and puts his poison all over her mouth and/or lips. She dies and he quips ‘Sorry love’. Ha!


Suicide Club- Just an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff

This funny Chinese film is a biography considering a special club that many teens have begun prescribing to. As the name suggests it is a Suicide Club- the only thing is that if you want to become a member you have to kill yourself first. Once you do that you get entry to the inner circle where you can drink tea and discuss the songs by famous South African band The Cure. We follow a group of friends as they struggle to gain acceptance by the existing members of the club- try as they might our heroes keep failing to kill themselves. This results in many humorous scenes involving bleeding arms (not deep enough!) hangings with weak rope (not strong enough!), jumping in front of trains but bouncing off them back onto the platform etc (not trainy enough!). It is actually quite touching as these kids just want to be part of something, but family life, school etc has forced them to become brooding outsiders filled with hate and despair. They only want to belong, so it is a pity that they must crawl into the grave to get friends. It seems there are millions of members world wide, and the numbers are growing all the time. Maybe we should listen to them once in a while instead of turning away.
Best Scene: When the guy with the funky hair keeps trying to drown himself in his bath but his little brother keeps pulling the plug out and disturbing him. He then pees in the bath and the funky guy has to jump out- ‘Uurgh, Jimmy, that’s gross!’

Another Failed Attempt

Little Miss Sunshine: Comic Genius and Wisdom Genius!

I usually don’t like this sort of film, but I do like comedies, so I thought I would give it a go. I’m glad I did, because this film is a Little Ray Of Sunshine! It is SO funny and SO clever! I haven’t laughed this hard since the fat woman in that Greek Wedding film walked away with her headphones on and hurt her neck! I had a trouser incident that time, and there were many more brown moments here!

Listen to my words: This film is about a family who go for a drive across the world so that they can take their daughter (son?) to a Beautiful Contest. Boring huh? Where are the guns and killings and explodings and head bustings!? Let me finish, idiot. The thing is- the wee girl isn’t a pretty one! Yet she enters this competition to win with her beauty! That was a soil. The best bit is, the rest of her family are strangoids two!

The granda is an old man. Waiting to die you would think, mumbling on rusks and thinking about the good old days? WRONG! This film changes it by making the granda a sexy pest! He likes the beers, he likes the womans, and he loves the naughty words! You didn’t see that coming and no, nor neither didn’t I! It is SO clever and SO smart.

There is a dad. Business man? WRONG! He is insecure and his wife wears the trousers!

There is a mum? Housewife? WRONG! She wears the jeans because her husband likes bras! It is SO funny and SO cleverly.

There is a teenage son. You would think he is a rowd –  chasing girls and shouting like a lout, and talking about sports and boobs and drinking bad juice!? WRONG for another time! It is SO clever because it changes it and does the thing that you don’t expect by making him not speak. He actually wears black and reads books! What is this!? MADNESS!

The family get into many japes as they fly across the planet in their converted school bus (what were they on when they wrote this – cheese!?). They eat in McDonalds and then drive off without paying. They go to a Toga party at a local University and the granda drinks all the wine so the jocks chase them away. The son falls in love with Pamela Anderson and tries to kidnap her at a book signing (he wraps her inside his toga). They keep finding a French cyclist in every town they visit and cause him humusing mishaps, like opening the bus door so he cycles into it, or reversing over his skull while he gently rests in the forest. There are too many bits to mention so I’ll stop. The bit where the police are looking at the dad and he walks with his head down so they can’t see his face, but then he walks into a lamp post! The bit where the dad and granda are sleeping in the same bed and they put each other’s hands between two pillows-except it’s not pillows! I don’t want to spoil anymore so watch it for yourself. The part where the teenage son gets so angry that after 70 minutes of not talking- he actually does actually talk. An amazing shock, and one of thee most impressive slices of irony I’ve ever seen! The bit where the granda climbs inside a coffin, but it is already occupied so he kicks the skeleton in the nuts!

Eventually they get to some place that they were trying to get to (how ironic!) and the girl goes on stage. Rather than get all dressed up like the other women, this film tricks you again by doing something different! I won’t spoil it, but I’ll say that it involves a long black wig, Trevor McDonald, a box of matches, and 12. It is just too amazing lee clever and funny, and too SMART for the average brain! The best film since sliced bread!

Best Scene: There are too many! The bit when they are driving through the ice and the mum decides to lick the window but her tongue gets stuck, and the granda says ‘Stick that tongue on me any day baby!’ Ha ha ha ha heh heh heh hee ha ha HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Utter Shite
Utter Shite

Lawrence Of Arabia: Lots of things to look at, but Nothing to see

Laurence Of Arabia is a film about an Englishman who decides to become a camel trader in Egypt. He gets involve in Wars, falls in love, and rides his camels. Camels are his one true love and they seem to understand him equally. Laurence is played by Robert Redford, and the best thing about the movie is how great Redford looks riding across the Mohave Desert dressed all in white. It was like watching a ghost movie set in the desert in daylight. Unfortunately, although the film looks pretty, it is far too long and nothing really happens. I like my films to be packed full of excitements, but in the 360 minutes of watching here, there was only one fight scene, one camel chase, and the side of one boob. Very disappointing. Somehow this went on to become one of the most award-winning films of all times, picking up 30 Oscars. If you want a better film about life in the desert, watch Damnation Alley with Jan-Michael-Vincent. It has so much more excitement and has giant scorpions too! I won’t be watching this again and I don’t think you should too. Boring, long, and boring too.

Best Scene: When one man is looking off into the sunset and sees something approaching like a mirage. It takes 6 minutes (one continuous shot) for the thing to come into focus, and the director (who would go on to make The Shining) creates a palpable sense of tension. Is it going to be a monster? A Bad guy? Laurence? In the end it turns out to be the film’s most startling scene- Ronnie Wood wearing the skin of Marianne Faithful, which the costume department stole while she was sleeping and painted orange.

Not Fade Away
Not Fade Away

Krull: Classic romp through Space with a Band of Fools

Set in Ancient France, Krull tells of a giant wolf type monster called ‘The Beast’. It has been scareorrizing the forests and killing young maidens, so a group of friends set out to save the day and destroy the beast. There is a boy, Harry Skywalker (River Phoenix), a cunning rogue Solo Jones (Judge Reinhold), 2 jolly giants (Brian Dennehy and Robbie ‘Prawn Cracker’ Coltrane) a wizard, a master swordsman called Westley The Giant (Carey Ewes), a young prankster (Mark from Eastenders), a sexy female princess of some sort (Rosie O Donnell), and a drunken Irishman (Liam McNeeson). Little do they know that The Beast is actually controlled by an evil wrinkly man known as Darth Empire who is trying to bring stability to the galaxy.

This rip off of of Spaceballs has plenty of excitement moments- the horse and cart race through the forest at high speed with all the little cute bears running around and cutting down trees; the sword fight in the snow where our heroes fly down a mountain on their shields; and of course the scene where the wizard fights a dragon whilst falling down into a fiery pit to his death. ‘YOU AIN’T GETTING PAST ME!’ he shouts, smacking his staff into the bridge before he falls to his doom.

Fick Oof!
Fick Oof!

There are plenty of funny moments, mostly provided by Robbie ‘John’ Coltrane. As this was the late seventies, humorous side kicks were all the rage – C3P0O in Trek Wars, Milf in Thundercats, Skeletor in He-Man, Chump in The Goonies, Jimmy in Spiderman, and of course Skid Mark in Temple Of Doom. Robbie ‘What is Strangled Cat’ Coleraine gets his fair equality of funny lines and scenes. He slips and falls on dead bodies- ‘Me’s a sorry, Annie’ he says, and when he is dodging the ninja stars which The Beast throws at him, he shouts ‘You’s a tinking we’s a people’s gonna die!’ Priceless and expensive!

Tucker Jenkins gets one laugh too when they are skating down the mountain- instead of coming to a halt like everyone else, he skates on into a tent, and through a castle doorway in his striped orange shirt! Hilarity! Meanwhile, the rest of the film isn’t as funny as the funny bits. Krull and his band of warriors get picked off one by one by each treacherous trap that Takeshi sets for them- a pit of quicksand, a maze with one way in and no way out, boulders falling from cliffs in a narrow canyon, spikes coming out of the walls, and men with roller-skates for hands and feet chasing them until their lungs explode. Eventually, only our hero Daywalker makes it, slays the beast, and goes home to Kokiri Village to be with his people. Somehow we (and he!) and he (and we!) know that another adventure may be just around the corner. Of course the sequel came out a few years later which saw Krull left at home by himself for a week while his family went on holiday, and he has to protect his house from a couple of idiotic robbers.

Best Scene: When Liam McNeeson gets so drunk that an old hag convinces him to drink some of her magic poison. He drinks it then vomits over his own hands which proceed to melt to the bone.

Chasing A Sausage On A Fork
Chasing A Sausage On A Fork

Next time, the star of the show could be you! Goodnight!

Ah yes, this takes me back. Many years ago, back in 2001, me and my mates used to watch Jackass sacrilegiously. We would bring in our snacks and drinks, snuggle down on our beanbags and corners, turn the lights down and watch each episode with satanic reverence. Such a show had never been seen, such power and wisdom never portrayed on screen. For a time these men became our idols: Johnny Knockville, Steve-Uh, Panty Boy, Bam Margaret, Presto, Little Man, Danger Eric, Ryan Dumb, Dave Englund etc et all. Every single stunt and sketch they performed for us filled our bellies with merriment and our hearts with warmth. We laughed, we screamed, we soiled each others’ pants. It soon became apparent that it was our lot in life to copy and then improve on these acts ourselves, and eventually create our own earth shattering tricks and treats to perform for the masses and in turn earn ourselves millions! Yes, this is the story of my own misspent youth: JerkassThe Movie

We split ourselves up into roughly two categories: Those who wanted to attempt the stunts, the things which may involve being hurt physically or being sick mentally, and those who could do the funny stuff, like pretending your baby has just been crushed by a 10 tonne truck, you know, the stuff that involved acting. We started off small, jumping across fences and posts on skateboards whilst naked, moving up to diving over cars on a skateboard with one wheel whilst dressed as Freddie Mercury. Eventually we were doing amazing things that Evil Ken Evil would have been proud of: balancing on a unicycle on one finger while hopping between the roofs of moving race cars which were driven by grizzly bears. Of course we employed rat traps, snooker cues, hatchets, tramps, and of course staples. One highlight was a game of tag we played in a rented function room in our local leisure centre. Instead of tagging with our hands, we used cattle prods. Within 12 minutes we were rolling on the floor, covered in mess, crying for our mothers; they never came. When we recovered 2 hours later, we all picked on our own version of Little Man- Bernard. We each stuck him with our prods from behind, from on top, in his leg, in his stomach, in his special area, over and over and over. The results are stunning. I particularly liked the way he ran down the corridor, stripping off his clothes to reveal his burning skin – spillings and devastation dripping everywhere. He bursts through to the children’s’ paddling pool, slips on his back and proceeds to slide into the water which eventually turns a wrong colour. Genius.

Another trick was dressing up as policemen and driving to various houses. When someone came to the door we would inform them that their husband/wife/children had been murdered and record the hilarious results. Sometimes we would hide in post boxes and when someone put a letter in we would jab them with a rusty needle. Once, on a golf course, we hired a truck and trailer, and drove up the 18th fairway with a bouncy castle on the trailer filled with local miscreants let out of the asylum for a day. Even better was when the wind suddenly changed and the loonies decided to go on a rampage through the grounds of the golf club, chasing grannies with a 9 iron, and pretending the real swans in the lake were plastic paddle boats. Unfortunately the public did not find many of these japes particularly amusing and as a result we were reported to the local constable. Soon we were remanded in custody and our tapes and equipment seized. Most of us were given community service and had to work on a farm, clean up dirty swimming pools, or help feed the crazies at the asylum before midnight. I got off light because I pretended to be from Lithuania. Jackass: The Movie went further than the series. We went further still.

Best Scene: When Dave makes a toilet (loady) in the local hardware store even though it doesn’t flush. He stole that idea from me. Speaking of which, I’m busting right now…

All My Friends Are Dead

Heat: Heat Is Cool But Left Me Cold

Mr Man is known for his flashy 80s era MTV style films, and Heat is no different, even if it’s not the same as anything he’s done before. This film is known throughout the universe for having the largest cast of stars in history- you could play 6 degrees of Kevin Beacon with this alone! Yes, if you have a favourite actor or female actor, you can be sure they pop up here somewhere. Let’s have a closer look:

We have Alfred Pachinko starring as a disgruntled cop on the hunt for disgruntled bank robber Robin DeNiro.

DeNero has a gang of criminals under his claw;

Valerie Kilmar with her lovely donkey tail

Tim Sizeless as a disgruntled fat man

Charlston Heston as a mob warlord

Ralph Lungren as a bodyguard

John Fought as a grizzly old something

Will Smith as the wise cracking kid from the hood

Dani Trey-Ho-Tep as a Mexican smuggler

Steve Busheemee as The Man With No Plan

The list goes on. DePesci wants out of the gangster life so he divorces his current femme foetal Charlotte Theron and chases weather girl Amy Bremmennemaneman. She is his one chance at freedom, but will the love of a gangster’s life prove to much for him?

Val Killman is married to Ashleigh Dudd and has a skinny daughter called Natalie Porter. He is always cheating on his wife though with a list of women and strippers played by the likes of Angelina Jolly, Nichole Kilmer, Hank Wazarea, Grace Jones, Mad Una, and in a shocking camero Kirsten Dunce.

Al Pacman lives with his ‘slow’ brother Jimmy Depp and is getting divorced from his wife Diane Keaton. They have a suicidal daughter played by Amidala Portman. His police force consists of Paul Weller, Art Metro, Donald Sutherfield, Harrison Sierra, and Harvey Kitten.

There are a few shoot outs and some excitement moments but mostly it’s just talking and crying. I like films with lots of actions, and this is a film about cops and robbers so there should really be more shootings, cars flying over jumps, snakes in suitcases, poison darts, and pens that shoot fire etc. Plus it’s at least 4 hours long, and as there are so many characters and actors double crossing each other I just got confused. This must be based on a Shakespeare novel or something. I am very upset at this.

Best Scene: Supposedly when Al and Rob meet in the movie it was the first time they met in real life. I thought they had been in several other films with each other but I must have been wrong. There’s a first time for everything!

Are You Speaking To Me!?

Hamlet: Epic Fail

‘To be or not to be’- is that a question? Yes, it is. Is it a good question? No, it is not. In fact, it’s not even proper English. For someone who is supposedly the best writer ever, his English ain’t too good. He should really have said something like ‘Should I be doing this, or should I just top myself?’ or even better ‘if I’m not me, then who da hell am i!?’

Hamlet is a Shakespeare Comedy based on an earlier work by Chaser or someone. They tried to make us study this in school, but most of us couldn’t even read it! I don’t know why they don’t make us read comics, it would be easier, more exciting, more fulfilling, and would make more kids turn up to class. In fact, everyone knows that books and reading is pretty much obsolete these days so they should really just show classic movies or TV shows like The A-Team, CHiPs, and Superted. ‘What have we got next? Asked Neville when we were in school. ‘English I think’ I replied. ‘Balls to that, man, I’m away for a walk’. Yes, when English came around most of us most of the time mostly sat outside the room for most of the class, mostly because we were bored, but mostly because there was a radiator we could stand against. It was cold in school; so cold. Thinking about it now gives me the shivery chills. Brrrr. I think I’ll put some gloves on.

This film as far as I know follows the novel word for word, scene for scene. This is to be expected, given that Shakespears’s Grandson Kenneth Brana stars and directs. There was controversy here as Brana claimed sole writing credits, meaning that Shakespeare never saw a penny, or a shilling as the case may be. Given the length of the book (over 2 thousand pages) the film is actually 7 hours long – a nice bit of irony by Brana as this is about 6 hours longer than any person should be expected to sit in any one place. The story is hardly an original one; a man wants revenge for the murder of his father by his mother’s lover. Simple. Why it takes so long to tell this story I don’t know. Rather than showing the murder, showing Hamlet (what sort of a name is that anyway!?) finding out, and then chasing Alan Rickman and killing him would have been much easier and/or pleasing to the eye. Instead he fills it up with pointless characters like Roseypants and Glidingbum, wastes time with ‘solitudies’ (scenes where a character talks to himself for 10 minutes) and confusing sexy times with his crazy sister Kate Beckinsale. I admit that some of the clothes look nice, but if I wanted to look at fancy costumes I would go to Coventry. There is a scene with a ghost and it was a little spooky, but I would hardly call it scary- another wasted opportunity. There is a sword fight, but there are better sword fights in Once Upon A Time In China, The Matrix, and any number of Hong Kung movies. Brana clearly doesn’t know how to ‘stage’ an ‘action’ ‘scene’. All he can do is talk, and talk… wear black, then talk some more. This is 10 hours of my life I will never get back. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY BANA! If not, I’m coming to Shrewsbury and I’m gonna steal Shakespeer’s pantaloons!

Best Scene: When I fell asleep and dreamt that I was driving a tank through a field of zombies. Crrrrunnch! I rescued Melinda Culea from them (and later from her clothes) and we went on together to find Jan Michael Vincent who was busy serenading pigeons with his impressive Tromboner.

Brana prepares for the famous speech
Brana prepares for the famous speech