2019 In Film – A Preview – March

A Madea Family Funeral

I haven’t seen any of these. I don’t think I’ve seen a single Tyler Perry movie yet. That’s who this is, right? Can’t see me starting now.


You had me at Gaspar Noe. There hasn’t been a single of film of his that I haven’t ‘enjoyed’, as much as you can use that term to describe your feelings while watching. There’s really no-one else like him. My only concern, if you can call it such, is that it’s about dancing – something I don’t care in the slightest for, or even really understand. I mean, I get wanting to leap around when your favourite song comes on, but dancing as an art and actually wanting to do it is completely foreign to me. I never said I was normal. I haven’t read anything about this, but from the trailer I’m hoping it’s his twisted version of They Shoot Horses. 


Neil Jordan, Chloe Moretz, and Isabelle Hupert? Any one of those names is usually enough to grab my attention and the fact that it seems to be at least horror adjacent has very excited. This has vibes of the great Audition and of course Hansel And Gretal, one of my all time favourite stories.

Captain Marvel

As you know, or can at least assume, I follow a lot of other movie blogs on WordPress and I’m a member on quite a few movie groups on Facebook. I know all the Marvel and DC movies are super popular, but it really takes following these groups to appreciate just how rampant this popularity is. Every day, every hour, multiple posts about your favourite Marvel film of the year, ranking the favourites, scores and reviews etc etc. I’m constantly surprised by how high these rank because they have so far to me been distinctly average – watchable – but painfully generic and repetitive. Fair enough, I haven’t seen anywhere near all of them, but what this means is that I couldn’t care less (yes, that is the correct way of writing that phrase) anytime a trailer drops for the latest installment, or even when one of the movies comes out. I’ve yet to pay to watch a single Marvel movie at the Cinema or on streaming (unless the Netflix and Prime subscription counts). Apparently this trailer, or the fact that Brie Larson is starring, or that she’s a woman or something has pissed a lot of people off. If I’m honest, I wasn’t even aware that there was a Captain Marvel character, or if I was I forget the second my balls dropped. I have no doubt this will be more of the same – depressingly successful, frustratingly generic, yet watchable. Like the way a dog squeezing one out on the road is watchable.

Gloria Bell

Sebastion Lelio’s latest offering sees Julianne Moore, Sean Astin, Michael Cera, John Turturro arsing about and falling in love. Yes, it’s a romantic comedy and those never inspire anything within me beyond punishing indifference. I’m sure it will be much better made than most, well acted, and probably better written than most but it seems to have a lot of dancing (see above) and talk about relationships and stuff that I just don’t care about.


Jordan Peele is back, and it seems pretty obvious that it’s another horror outing. I enjoyed Get Out –  I wasn’t as wowed by it as most critics and felt it was a clever, funny, good time. This will prove his worth as a filmmaker – if he can score a critical and financial success here then the world will be his. Of course at some point he’s going to have to branch out of horror to be truly accepted, but until then he’s one of us. I’d advise against watching the trailer if you don’t want any spoilers, but I imagine there will be twists aplenty.

Wonder Park

A non Disney/Dreamworks/Pixar/Illumination/Ghibli animated movie. It looks like it has money behind it and if it launches at the right time it should make money. Doesn’t mean it’ll be good though. I love theme parks though, not enough movies are set in that world, but it does have that samey animation which almost all studio movies have now.

The Aftermath

It’s Keira Knightly, once again starring in clothes no normal human would ever wear. Period pieces, especially those starring Knightly don’t do anything for me. I do like Knightly, just not doing this sort of thing. Romance, lustful affairs, that ludicrous message that if you leave a woman alone for five minutes she’ll fuck the first bloke who comes along – zero shits given.

Ash Is Purest White

I don’t know anything about this, beyond it being some sort of violent gangster love story. Still, I like the director and cast so I’ll probably see it at some point.

The Hummingbird Project

I’m not a fan of Jesse Eisenberg, I don’t particularly care for the director, and the plot sounds like balls. Pass.

The Mustang

The cast looks decent – Bruce Dern, Connie Britton, Matthias Schoenaerts, but it’s about horses. Training horses, riding horses. Why’s it always horses? Why not go all in and make it about tigers? Can’t see me ever seeing this.

Five Feet Apart

Yet another romance about people with a debilitating illness. The 50s had giant spider movies, the 90s had meta self aware movies, and the whatever this decade is called has people falling in love while dying movies. Are we going to study these in twenty years time the same way people study the others? No, because every one of these so far has been wank.


Tom Hanks writes and stars. Doesn’t sound overly interesting from what I know so far, but it’s Tom Hanks.

Where’d You Go Bernadette

Didn’t I preview this one last year? What happened to it? It’s still Linklater so it can’t be bad, surely?

The Beach Bum

This could defo go either way – it’s Harmony Korine, it’s McConaughey dialed up to fifteen, and there’s also Jonah Hill, Zac Efron, Snoop Dogg, Isla Fisher. It’s more likely this will be awful, but it could be amazing.

Ramen Shop

I feel the same away about food as I do about horses and dancing; each of these things exist, but none of these things are exciting and by extension films which revolve in these worlds either do little for me or keep me at such a distance that it feels like I’m watching them on a neighbour’s television through binoculars. This one is about food.

Captive State

There’s a tonne of trailers out there for this but I don’t want to watch any others. The idea and cast are enough to sell me so I don’t want any more info – set in Chicago ten years after an alien invasion with John Goodman, Vera Farmiga, and a bunch of others.


The Disney money-making sham rolls on – they have about 12 of these remakes coming out this year. Dumbo was never the most interesting film to begin with and watching these remakes just makes you remember how much better the originals were. Still, people are going to keep paying to see them so I don’t expect the trend to end. Tim Burton is directing, but it looks like a for hire job instead of his own vision. To be fair, the cast is great – Eva Green, Danny Devito, Michael Keaton, Colin Farrell, Alan Arkin, but surely this can’t be anything better than average?

Hotel Mumbai

Thriller based on the real life terror attack. Dev Patel stars, Anthony Maras directs, looks cool, intense.

Chaos Walking

Doug Limon’s back, this time directing the latest YA adaptation none of us have ever heard of. It’s about a future world where there are no women, but maybe there are, and people can read each others’ thoughts, and animals too…. these rarely work anymore since around the time of the second Hunger Games movies, but there’s talent directing and starring so you never know. I probably won’t see it unless reviews are stellar.

Cliffs Of Freedom

It’s another period romance, so typically I’d be out, but check out the cast – Tania Raymonde, Patti LuPone, Christopher Plummer, Lance Henriksen, Billy Zane, Costas Mandylor, and a bunch of other eclectic faces if not instantly recognisable names. I’ve no idea what this will be like, TV movie or underrated epic, but it’s over two hours long so I guess we’ll have to wait and see.


Babak Anvari’s follow up to Under The Shadow this is another horror movie seemingly about a bartender’s breakdown. You better believe I’m down for this.

Disney Songs – Dumbo


You know, I’ve no idea when I first saw Dumbo. I mean, it must have been when I was young but I don’t have any real memories of watching it as a child and as such it’s one of the Disney movies that I’m not overly familiar with. It lacks that important connection – that tie that binds a film to your brain, heart, and soul because you saw it in your youth, regardless of whether or not it is a piece of crap. There’s really only one song I know well from the list below, and it’s not one I like. In my last post I mentioned songs to take with you to the next world – landing on a new planet armed only with the essential cultural artifacts of Planet Earth and sharing them in a non-preachy, non-hostile, non-colonial manner with the…. natives. You see where I’m going with this.

Look Out For Mr Stork: It’s that choral style of singing that gets me. I just can’t enjoy vocals like these, there’s something lodged in my psyche which won’t allow it. So dreary, even though it’s meant to be funny and light. Along with the visuals the song works, but on its own it isn’t strong enough.

Casey Junior: A diving attack of brass and strings gets this off to a romping start. It’s mostly an instrumental, though that train’s voice is damn creepy. Just when we think it’s over, those annoying vocals come in again – they are short-lived this time around, so it isn’t so bad.

Song Of The Roustabouts: Well, now. Is it racist? Is it about racism? Is it a sign of the times? Am I just a PC libtard leftie self hating safe-place-needing sheeple for daring to think about such things? I don’t know. But I do know it’s not a very good song – more like a simplistic chant. Was that racist too?

Baby Mine: Well, that’s more like it. Sort of. The singing is a little too whiny and the less said about the backing vocals the better. Still, it’s a rather lovely little lullaby.

The Clown Song: A jaunty, French sounding song, but not a lot to it. Entertaining filler.

Pink Elephants On Parade: Yes yes, it’s all rather disturbing to watch. As a song it plods along with a sort of threatening pace and tone. It’s over a minute before the weird vocals begin, men putting on ‘They’re coming to get you, Barbara’ voices and ranting. At one point it goes all Middle Eastern, then it becomes a flighty little dance, then a rumba or something. Then it goes crazy. Then it ends.

When I See An Elephant Fly: Hmm. More confusion. Hmm. The song isn’t great either.

So, only two songs worth mentioning and neither of those I would consider very good. I’m not even sure I would call any of the songs here essential – not essential enough to bring to another world and spread as Gospel anyway. Onwards and upwards!