The Spac Hole Cinema

If you’re like me (and given that you consist of blood, skin, and guilt and are here reading this blog I must assume that you are) then you have probably spent many hours wondering what it would be like do own your own Cinema. Some of you posh, gold-toothed types possibly even have your own home cinema – a dark room that the kids and the wife aren’t allowed to stain with their presence – replete with a special throne and all the bestest surround stuff technology and 70 inch, HD, 10k projector screen thing. That’s not what I’m talking about, or typing about – what I mean is an actual public cinema – a multi-screen entertainment facility, a hub for movie-goers and back row neckers, one that you have designed from top to bottom and have complete dictator-like control over.

‘Police Academy 7 – All day, every day! Police Academy 7 for all!’

Yes, if I had a million dollars, I probably wouldn’t invest in such a foolish endeavor. But if I had a billion dollars, by Buddha I would. I would erect an Omniplex so grand as to spit on the toes of the Gods, a Cinema with screens showing hits new and old, and pack it to bursting with ideas no sane businessman would ever contemplate.

A sane Business Man

Luckily, here in The Spac Hole ideas and dreams are the primary driver of our economy, and money is an irrelevance; if you think it and want it, it will be. Behold! I present to you The Spac Hole Cinema – the greatest Cinema in all Universes, known and otherwise. There will be one of these built in every citadel beyond the Stars and each will consist of:

  • Multiple Screens of the largest scale and highest quality. I don’t want to go overboard or be too specific, but anywhere between 5 and 10 screens is fine.
  • The seats are made of the finest quality, each with their own reclining ability, heating and vibrating controls and foot rests.
  • Each screen has its own self service shop before entering the auditorium – simply enter your snack (any food, drink, brand in existence) into our database, and it will be provided in a few short moments.
  • There is also a central restaurant where the best chefs will wine and dine you before or after your film.
  • Each screen has a Merchandise/Gift Shop which you will exit into once your movie has finished. It will have shelves stacked high with merchandise from the film you have just watched – posters, mugs, signed photographs, screenplays, copies of the movie to buy, clothes, props etc.
  • There is also a central multistorey Gift Shop which houses merchandise from both the latest releases and those you may have just missed, as well as a selection of our most popular items from the most popular films.
  • There is a Bar where you can sit and drink with friends and fans, housing a relaxed atmosphere where movie discussion is encouraged and where we invite students of film from local Schools and Universities to come and geek out or deconstruct. The resident DJ will play music from movies exclusively – hit songs from all eras and instrumental music from both films being currently shown and classics – requests are encouraged!
  • The majority of the screens will show current releases, but will not be exclusive to Hollywood only – the best of World Cinema New Releases will be shown alongside what the US has to offer.
  • There will be at least 1 screen exclusive to kids/family/animated movies.
  • There will be at least 1 screen exclusive to Classics and movies which have since dropped out of other Cinemas – the only rule being that the film must be at least 12 months old.
  • There will be at least 1 screen exclusive to TV – showing multiple episodes of a particular TV show current or old as well as the most important Sporting fixtures.
  • For both the family screen and the Classic screen we will incorporate Seasons into our schedule. For example, on the family screen we may feature a Don Bluth Season where we will show a selection of his non-Disney hits, while the Classic Screen may feature an Alfred Hitchcock Season. The Seasons will vary, from Shakespeare Season to Comedy Season to Spanish Season to Arnie Season – the merchandise shop updated accordingly for each.
  • For the TV screen, Sports Fixtures will be appropriate to the location of the Cinema, but may include football, basketball, and even WWE and TNA Sports Entertainment events, both live and classic. Pilot episodes of new series will be shown and we will also have Seasons by a particular show or writer/director/creator/star. For example, a Buffy Season may include key episodes from each Series shown three at a time over a number of weeks, while a William Shatner Season may show episodes from a variety of Series including Star Trek, TJ Hooker, 3rd Rock From The Sun, and Boston Legal.
  • As Dictator, I will have final say over which films are shown in a particular Season and which current Releases are screened. Fans may vote at an associated website for a particular movie or show, and send their ideas for a movie or TV Season.
  • At festive times of the year, namely Christmas and Halloween, we hold special yearly Seasons.The family, TV, and Classic screens will each show a selection of Christmas themed episodes and movies. For example, Christmas will see movies like Die Hard, Santa Clause The Movie, and It’s A Wonderful Life alongside Christmas Episodes of The Simpsons, Only Fools And Horses, Bottom, Friends and many more. Likewise Halloween will feature 30 days of Horror with both family oriented scares and ones reserved for adults only. During this period it is expected that audience members will come dressed in a festive manner, either as a character from a movie or in general festive fashion.

There you go. Would you like to visit my Cinema? Of course you would! Feel free to offer any suggestion on what you would like to see in your ideal Cinema, or let us know of any film you wish you’d seen on the big screen but missed out on. What sort of Movie Season would you go to if your local was showing it? If you are all good boys and girls I might make a series of posts listing the films and episodes I would show in my majestic cinematic behemoth (probably based of my other recent posts in the Walk Of Fame, Shrine, TTT serieseses). However, if you are bad boys and girls then I definitely will…

Police Academy 7 is awesome! YEAH!

Dreams: 10/24/11

1. I dreamed of work- always nasty. Work seems to invade the refuge of sleep more than Fred Kruegger. It’s even worse when you wake up and realise that it’s time to get up for work. Anyway, it was a team meeting and my boss was explaining to us all that he was a massive Pink Floyd fan. As he listed his favourite PF songs (none of which seemed to be Floyd songs)  and how they inspired his career (irony which Waters and co would be proud of no doubt) the team giggled. He seemed to think they were laughing at his terrible old fart taste in music, but really they were laughing because the names were ridiculous. Feeling like I had to stick up for him I stated that I was a fan of the big four Floyd albums, but not the early stuff so much. No one laughed. Then I woke up.

2. I dreamed I was at some sort of party/picnic with various people. Terrorists came over a hill like something from Red Dawn and began firing automatic weapons at us. They were simultaneously killing and rounding us up. Rather than running scared I hatched an ingenious plan; to use a bus as a shield and ride it down to a nearby river. I managed to lift the bus off the ground and push it towards the hill before holding onto one of the passenger windows as it raced down to the river. Never did it occur to me that if I had the strength to lift a bus that perhaps I should throw it at the bad guys. It seems I am not a hero in my dreams. The baddies saw me and fired, one round hitting me in the throat. By the mighty power of my dream passivity, I thought this didn’t matter and the wound mysteriously vanished. Soon I splashed into the river, and began to speed away with the current.

At this point a recurring dream of mine came into play- that I’m on a rollercoaster/ghost train/flume ride/first person shooter fun ride. I mved down the river, steering past logs etc only to realise that there were grizzly bears popping up every so often and trying to take a chomp out of my face. Again my new found immortality and super strength didn’t seem to make me any less afraid. Eventually I got to a junction- right seemed to be the end of the river and looked like an evil swamp, left was a slight waterfall into a came poo. Left I went. Climbing from the pool and walking forwards I found myself blocked by a bigger pool. Climbing out of it towards me was another guy I knew from the picnic. He wasn’t speaking and disconcertingly when I turned away and back he vanished and re-appeared at the other side of the pool and began to swim before me. I think this was repeated a few times. I didn’t want to get to the other side if it was some sort of time looping void, but then I thought that he had died at the picnic and was here as a ghost, swimming the same path for eternity. I also thought the pool was poisonous. Regardless I swam to the other end and beckoned the other guy to follow. He did. This seemed to knock him out of his loop. I looked around for a clue as to where we should go next. Then I woke up.