UK Top 40 # 6 – 5

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After over 30 songs, I’ve finally found one I liked in the last post. Lets hope we get one more.

6: Wasn’t Expecting That – Jamie Lawson (never heard of you)


Ok guitars. Disaster vocals. I wasn’t expectinah? Sounds like that fool from Fine Young Cannibals crossed with Tracey Chapman. The melodies are ok, the introduction of the piano is nice, but the vocals are dreadful. It’s another song that is clearly supposed to be emotive and emotional, but falls completely flat for me. It tells a sad story yes, but the music and vocals need to be better. It appears to be about death.

5: The Hills – The Weekend (never heard of you)

I’ve heard one of this guy’s songs already, right? I can’t remember. Moaning vocals from inside a box, annoying clicks and squeals as backing music. Chorus marginally better. It feels moody, which I like, but it’s more generic sex crap. I actually like the high pitched piece in the middle, probably because it’s a complete (unintentional) rip of Kate Bush. If the lyrics were actually about something, and if the irritating noises were replaced then this would be decent. It appears to be about sex.

We’re almost done. What has everyone thought so far? Let us know in the comments!

UK Top 40 # 8 – 7

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Will we ever get a good song? I’m a big Bond fan and I haven’t heard this new Bond song yet – can’t be much worse than Skyfall surely….

8: On My Mind – Elle Goulding (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Noises. More noises. The Police. Catchy enough verse, catchy enough verse, but stupidly repetitive and needlessly long. Vocals and melody are a little monotone. There’s the mandatory silent moment. Ooh, a bridge, is that the first one in the Top 40? Well, it didn’t last or add anything. Throw the chorus in there for another minute. Pretty poor stuff again. It appears to be about sex.

7: Writing’s On The Wall – Sam Smith (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Big jazzy, Bond-like opening. Lonesome piano. I don’t like his voice. Suitably melancholy. Good chorus. Vocals much better when he hits the higher notes. Considerably better than Skyfall. I do actually like it. It’s pretty entertaining reading the youtube comments – every song on this Top 40 has had 90% love comments, but this one has 90% hate – naturally it turns out it’s the only song so far I’d happily listen to again.

Let me know in the comments what you think of these ones!

*Note – I wrote this post in the middle of October before Spectre had been released

UK Top 40 # 10 – 9

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Woo hoo, we’re into the top 10, and that means I soon won’t have to listen to anymore of this crap!

10: Easy Love – Sigala (Never heard of you)

Wooo. Wait a minute. I’ve heard bits of this. Ah yes, this is an absolutely disastrous cover/remix/shitstorm. Oh the irony – they do indeed take a simple melody and play it to the point that it becomes meaningless. ABC is a fun little song, one of the stupid things about this anal rasp is that they have taken arguably the weakest melody, one that in fact can barely be considered a melody, and repeated roughly 14 thousand times. There is a void of talent here. There is a sadness. There is a smell. Pointless, rank, twattery for people incapable of thought. It’s not about anything.

9: Do It Again – Pia Mia (Never heard of you):


Noises. Generic rap. Headbutting a keyboard and hoping that some notes emerge. Ok vocals. It does have a chorus, it is junk, and there is nothing worthwhile to say about the verses. Music to play on Babestation when the women aren’t talking. Repetitive and annoying long before it’s over. It appears to be about sex.

Any takers? Let us know in the comments.

UK Top 40 # 12 – 11

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We’re within smelling distance of the Top 10 now and so far my opinion of chart music and your opinion of me has decreased. Lets see if we can change at least one of those opinions.

12: Alone No More – Philip George & Anton Powers (never heard of you)


Chaos noise. Chav beats. Ibiza. So this crap is still around. As I’ve mentioned already, chart dance music seems to have a better grasp of melody that anything else in the charts. This is not exactly catchy, but it has something. Again, this could have been written and recorded in the early 90s, there is absolutely nothing new here. Not that I expect each new artist to bring something new of course. I imagine this is good for dancing too whilst chewing your face off, but it is not good for anything else. It appears to be about sex.

11: How Deep Is Your Love – Calvin Harris (Everything I’ve heard has been crap)

Bass. Weak beats. Annoying singing. Like above, there is nothing new here from what was being churned out to braindead chavs in the early 90s. Of course it’s catchy, but no more so than an advertisement jingle for a Bank. Robot voices. Music for barfing in a dank stall to. It appears to be about sex.

Nope. Let us know in the comments.

UK Top 40 # 14 – 13

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14: Downtown – Mackelmore (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)


Pianos. More pianos and horns. Words. Beats. More words. I’d need to listen a few times to catch the lyrics. Softer singing. Too many words and zero interesting music. It’s basically a crap 5th grade poem recited to the sound of the school bell ringing. It’s probably about sex.

13: Can’t Feel My Face – The Weekend (never heard of you)

Ok introduction. But yet again, another song that builds up to an anti-chorus. This must be the scourge of modern music. It’s ok to do it as a one-off, if there’s a purpose, but it’s nonsense when 80% of the music in the charts is doing the same thing. It’s another lame attempt at sounding like Jackson, but without any of the emotion, ingenuity, or originality. Vocals are fine, melodies are bland and forgettable. It appears to be about sex.

What do you think? Let us know!

UK Top 40 # 16 – 15

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16: Kiss Me – Olly Murs (everything I’ve heard has been crap)


I’m sure he’s a nice enough fella, but he also seems like someone you’d never get tired of punching. The hair, the face, the voice, the Essex – everything about him screams ‘hate me’. ‘I want to love you. Give you that loving baby’. I mean, what’s the point? Thousands of years of the written word and that’s the best we can come up with? It feels like something Michael Jackson would have coughed up while dropping one in the trap before realizing that it was beneath anything he would consider writing. The chorus is a little catchy, everything else is upbeat, uptempo crap. It appears to be about sex.

15: Lay It All On Me – Rudimental (Aware of you, but never heard any of your stuff)

Generic single piano dance notes. Ok vocals, keeping the usual accent crap away. There is a chorus, but it’s barren of quality. I don’t know if can get to number one at this rate. It has restored my faith in knowing that chart music is almost exclusively awful. The 2000s were bad, this is equally terrible.  It appears to be about sex.

Does anyone know of any good recent chart music – Pop, dance, or other? Let me know in the comments!

UK Top 40 # 18 -17

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18: Marvin Gaye – Charlie Puth (Never heard of you)


Is this going to sully Gaye’s name? Well, they have made him a verb. 50s candy store rock. This guy looks like a complete twat. Vocals are ok, a distinct lack of melody apart from that single line. More with the spittle drums.That Trainor woman has a smackable face too, with her tongue always creeping out through her teeth and her twee, soulless non-kawaii eyes. This is cheesy pap, not even catchy enough to mention. Gaye is rolling in his grave. It appears to be about sex.

17: Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself – Jess Glynne – (never heard of you)

No no no no no no no no. Terrible vocals. Yes, yes I’m sure you can sing but sort out the accent accentuation. Well, at least it’s fast and it does have an actual chorus without any of the anti-chorus crap. It does of course have the silent moment before the chorus, as is mandatory. There’s a good song in here, just tone down the crap and you’ll be ok. It’s about thinking you’re not very good at sex.

What does everyone make of these songs – good, bad, indifferent? Let us know in the comments!

UK Top 40 – # 20 – 19

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Well glancers, we’re over halfway through our countdown of the ‘best’ music the world has to offer, and so far it’s safe to assume that if we were all wiped out by a nuke it would be no great loss.

20: Love Me – The 1975 (never heard of you)

What a dreadful name for a band. Aaand it sounds like INXS. Being chased by ghosts in a Scooby doo episode. It’s certainly different from every other song on the charts so far, so thumbs up for that. But it’s more 80s throwback junk. It actually reminds me of the other brother from The Delays singing – it has that funky flavour along with the drop in quality when he sings instead of Greg. I suspect this one will get played to death on UK radio and completely drain it of whatever goodness it may have. It’s not about sex (except for when it is)

19: Never Forget You – MNEK & Zara Larsson (never heard of you)


Again with the crappy vocals. Sounding exactly like everyone else. And surprise surprise, we even get a silent moment pre-chorus, followed by an anti-chorus. As generic as it possibly gets, sounding identical to all the other weak chart crap we’ve covered already here. It’s a pity, because that climbing vocal in the verse has potential, but aside from those moments the rest is shockingly derivative, boring, insipid puddle music. It’s about not having sex anymore.

What do you think of these songs? Is there any hope? For chart music? For me?

UK Top 40 # 22 – 21

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22: Shut Up And Dance – Walk The Moon (never heard of you)

 U2 rip off? Certainly sounds like The Edge. I assumed this would be another dance song. I’m sure I’ve heard parts of this before – comment if this is actually a 2015 song or if it’s older. More likely they’ve taken bits of other songs and slapped them together. It’s fairly happy and bouncy. Nothing exciting, nothing new, though nothing particularly annoying. It appears to be about wanting to have sex.

21: Peanut Butter Jelly – Galantis (never heard of you)


Almost every song I’ve listened to so far (on Youtube) has had a comment saying ‘this is my jam’. I hope I never have to meet you people. This has a fast pace, so far, building, and holy Moo-Ham-Met it doesn’t collapse at the chorus! It has a sustained beat, the backing music has potential, presumably because it is sampled, but the vocals are a joke, the lyrics too. It’s completely generic and like every other chart dance song you’ve heard since 1989. It’s the sort of crap you’d expect to see a new radio station (those still exist, right?) using to advertise itself in the morning ‘Wake up to KBBI Nutsack – all your favourite hits, all your favourite tits!’ It appears to be about sex.

Have I gone insane? Let us know in the commentitiddlydoodly!

UK Top 40 # 24 – 23

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Aarrrggh. I wrote this series of Top 40 posts over the span of three days in the middle of October, and now as you read them, I’m simply posting on a daily basis in November. The original post for this though somehow got deleted or corrupted or eaten – either way, I can’t retrieve what I wrote about the songs, so I’ll just have to summarize – they are both crap. The Fetty thing, I don’t remember a single thing about it, or what I wrote, and I’m fucked if I’m listening to it again. The Platten song, I do remember writing quite a lengthy tirade about the irony of calling her song a fight song, but coming out with such a wimpy, watered down, feeble song, and that if you are going to write a ‘fight song’ then it needs to be filled and fuelled with passion – her song sounds like a single urine drop on a sodden field.

24. 679 – Fetty Wap (never heard of you)


23. Fight Song – Rachel Platten (never heard of you)


Think these are anything other than crap? Let us know in the comments!