28 Days Later: Scary Dary

It is a well known fact that I actually had my own draft of this movie written before Danny Boy decided to make it. It was about 5 years (or 1825 days to keep with the mood of the review) before this film was made that I had a dream. Actually a nightmare. There are some differences, and some similarities. His is set in present day, mine seemed to be set in a near future. In mine an experiment with chimps led to a deadly virus which turned humans into bloodthirsty rage fulled monsters. And these creatures had red eyes. Very similar, eh? Well, my creatures could shoot fire from their mouths, lasers from their eyes, and vomit acid. And also in mine, some of the creatures began to evolve, remember how to speak, and remember their past lives. In fact the only thing which gave them away was their eyes, so they all started to wear shades to cover the redness. There was a shock ending also, which I will not reveal. Anyway, I was surprised when I saw the trailer for this and thought ‘hey! They’ve nicked my idea!’ But obviously these are just coincidences and no-one ever read my script anyway. I thought it looked good and as I’d liked Boy’s earlier effort Gravespotting I thought I’d give it a go.

The best thing is this; my dream was primarily about man’s self destructive nature, and how abusing our forefathers (chimps) like many people in the world now do will only lead to chaos. Boy’s film also shows this. I have seen a disturbing trend recently in movies which try to show that monkeys spread disease, that monkeys kill people, or that they are idiots. None of these are true. Monkeys are the best, most intelligent creatures on out planet and we should revere them. Sure in the future they’re probably going to be our masters but that is all the more reason to love them now so that they befriend, rather than enslave us. Ha ha, only joking. That was a reference to another terrible film which portrays monkeys as evil. I want to see more films which show primates (that’s the scientific term) as benevolent, harmless, peaceful, fun-loving dudes.The world would be a better place if we all monkeyed about a bit more. Spiders on the other hand are the spawn of Satan, and must be crushed on sight.

This film has some scareful bits, and a few excitement moments where you’re not sure whether to scream or not. The bit where the monsters are chasing the fools through the tunnel and the bit where Silly-Ann Murphy is walking round London by himself. He should have just went to Harrods and McDonalds and made out like bandits. He wakes to find the world is empty, Day of The Tulips style, but eventually is chased by the creatures. He meets up with a small group of survivors who explain what’s going on, and they try to travel to Glasgow where there are other survivors, and better runways to escape on a plane from. They meet evil army men, they fight with the creatures, and generally have an exciting time. It’s not the best horror film I’ve seen, but considering how awesome horror films are these days it really needed more scary bits and killings. However, as I am usually too scared by horror movies I though this was just right.

Best Scene: When Murray is exploring Olde London Town and he looks into a car window- BOOM! A dead body falls by the window inside the car. Everyone jumped at that in my house!

Sorry- Zandra

2012- If climate change doesn’t get you- the future will!

It is a well known fact that some idiots believe the world will end on 21st Dec 2012. This is due to an age old series of prophecies written by the Mayans of South America. Now, they were a crazy bunch alright, crazy smart. Better mathmeticians than Carol Vorderman, better space staring guys that Patrick Moore, smarter physicists than Stephen Hawkwing. They understood the galaxy and time, dates, calendars. They knew which day certain galactic events like eclipses etc would take place, hundreds of years before we could work it out. They built massive buildings and pyramids dedicated to such practices- buildings which on a certain hour of a certain day, in a certain year sunlight would penetrate and create wonderful shadows and pictures. Naturally with all these skills it is believed they could predict future events. As we live in a time of fear and nonsense one out of every one fools believes that the world is going to end one way or another, and probably soon. The Mayans say 2012, and some say every prediction they have made has come true. Of course the predictions themselves are as follows: ‘When the smiling Devil Bird has turned 58 thousand times the grass will eat the land, and the Jaguar will have a corn bride’. Naturally this can be translated as the rise of Hitler. I have been to various temple and have spoken to many Mayan who now practice Christianity and laugh at such claims. The only prediction they made to me was that I would give them 5 dollars for a fertility statue. They were wrong. I have recently been making a few generous predictions of my own which I am confident will come true. Read into them what you may: Somewhere, some time on the 14th February 2014, there will be an episode of The Simpsons shown on TV; Madonna will be dead 150 years from now; When the Spac Twins reach four figure viewings on Youtube there will be a great cheer of despair; this film will make more than 137 Dollars at the Box Office on November 15 2009. Of course such fairytales make for great films- and by great I mean balls.

Roland ‘The Rat’ Iamrich has taken another end of the world scenario and turned it into a special graphics laden affair- their will be giant CG tidal waves, giant CG explodings, various famous world landmarks will be destroyed, and at some point the fat, nerdy one will make a quip which no-one will find amusing. About 3 hours into the movie the hero, his girlfriend, and his father/son will realize that they can save the world and restore all this ungodly destruction in a matter of hours by some simple natural/scientific solution that had previously slipped their minds. All will be well. I wait for the day when someone makes a film about the moon smashing into the earth- and is simply 127 minutes of explosions, people screaming and dying, and The Moon encroaching on everyone’s personal space. It will surely be the greatest film of all time- by which I mean balls.

Best Scene: I predict the best scene will be when a CG animal (Tiger/Wolf/Polar Bear/Rhino/Hippy) which has mysteriously blown across several continents to America chases our heroes until it eventually gets crushed by rock.

PS: This review was originally written in June 2009

Two Hundred And Twelf