TTT – Top 10 Wes Craven Movies

Greetings, Glancers! It’s been a minute (do the kidz still say that?) since I’ve squeezed out one of these, but luckily I’ve had a lot of fibre recently and things are moving again, if you take my meaning. Wes Craven is one of my favourite directors of all time but I’ll be the first to admit he’s made a lot of rubbish over the years. He’s one of my favourites because when his films are good, they are second to none. There’s basically three tiers to Craven movies – Iconic, okay, and crap. Most people agree on what’s iconic, everyone disagrees on what’s crap/okay. No matter where you stand, there’s no doubting his place in horror, inventing or reinventing pieces of the genre at least three times, and providing us with some of the best scares, best villains, best heroes, and best movies in horror history.

10. The People Under The Stairs

It’s true to say that most people love this more than I do. I like it, but I don’t have the nostalgic connection to it which most fans have. My favourite thing about it is the Twin Peaks connection – Wendy Robie and Everett McGill star again as another unusual pairing. The story and the film, are fairly unique, but then again we’re talking late 80s, early 90s horror – a time when anything goes, so when we’re talking about a ghetto kid trying to save his family from being evicted by a pair of murderous landlords and their cannibal children, you know you’re on safe enough territory. It’s certainly funny, it’s borders on outright weird, you’d never see anything like it getting made today, and there’s plenty of gore.

9. Swamp Thing

This little seen action/comedy/horror hybrid is well worth a watch for anyone bored with today’s superhero stories and want something a little different. This is certainly a little different, Craven this time dealing with more established stars and a bigger budget than his earlier 70s work. While campy and not going for the jugular as he had been known for, this still has plenty of violence and sexy times and features genre favourites Adrienne Barbeau and Ray Wise.

8. Red Eye

A late in the game box office and critical success for Craven, this is a surprisingly straight, taut, and effective thriller which holds up well today. Featuring reliable performers Rachel McAdams, Cillian Murphy, and Brian Cox it is another entry in the ‘bad shit happens on a plane’ sub-genre. It has the twists of Scream without the meta stuff and plays out like a modern Hitchcock film, cranking up the tension until the climax. This gets straight to the point, plays its game with no chaff, and remains gripping throughout.

7. The Hills Have Eyes

Here’s an interesting one – I much prefer the remake of this. Craven’s ideas are solid and the story and characters all in place, but it lacks the budget and power to be executed fully. The remake has the money and conviction and it is wonderfully brutal in all the most delightful ways. Still, this is the original and therefore worth giving due attention and respect. Like his previous film, this works as a nightmare scenario of US family values, of how simply and quickly the perfect family can devolve into gruesome violence. The film follows the extended Carter family on a road trip who take a wrong turn and end up being picked off by another family – albeit deformed cannibals. The invention and wit and energy here tends to surpass most modern horror but is only defeated by the lack of money to fully pull off everything required to make it perfect.

6. Scream 3

Often seen as the weakest in the series, while that may be true it always holds a special place in my heart. It was the first in the series I saw in the Cinema and brought along my girlfriend at the time who was also a series fan. The ideas were wearing thin at this point, but there are enough trilogy smarts and in jokes to still make it a fun ride. With Neve, Courtney, David and co all returning, that affinity with the characters is still present and I enjoy the callbacks to the previous entries. The series remains one of the best written and fun in horror, and it’ll always be dear to me, even if it isn’t a patch on Part 1.

5. Music Of The Heart

I imagine I’ll get a lot of heat for this one, but for some reason I’ve always enjoyed the ‘tough kids get won over by teacher’ movies. I don’t know why, but they give me a kick. To see Wes Craven making one, to see Wes Craven directing a Meryl Streep movie, is still hilarious to me, and I think he pulls it off. Sure, there isn’t an original bone in its body, but it proves that Craven can work completely outside horror and make an effective light-hearted drama. Streep even got nominated for an Oscar, as did the title track, but it was a box office flop. It’s a little overlong and probably came out a few years too late, but it’s still one of my under the radar favourites.

4. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

Craven’s first experiment with meta or post modern horror or whatever the hell you want to call it, sees him returning to his most famous franchise and ostensibly releasing his most feared creation upon the real world. New Nightmare’s set up is that Heather Langenkamp – Nancy from the original movie – is married and has a son, and that the boy’s nightmares about Freddy are somehow bringing the clawed killer into the real world. This means we have various actors, writers, and directors playing themselves while being stalked by Kruger. It’s clever, and it’s violent, with Robert Englund playing himself, playing traditional Freddy, and playing the all new, more vicious Freddy.

3. The Last House On The Left

Englund’s first impact on the horror scene was this low budget exploitation movie about a family resorting to revenge and torture upon the rapists and killers who did the same to their daughters. It’s a film of two halves, each half complementing the other while advancing the plot and showing how violence begets violence. The first half follows a couple of teenage girls heading to a concert but who are attacked by a group of killers, the second finds the killers accidentally stopping off at the parent’s house and seeing the tables turned. It’s not an easy watch and Craven doesn’t hold back in his depictions of torture, rape, and murder. The remake ups the budget and gore and makes for an interesting companion piece, but for me it lacks the gut punch and shock of the original.

2. Scream

My top two picks aren’t going to surprise anyone. Scream is a perfect film in my eyes. I understand why others will disagree with me and I’m not so blind to agreeing with its criticism, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it. It’s my generation’s horror movie and even though I was 13 or 14 when it released it still felt like it was made for me. I understood most of the references, I loved the twists, I recognised most of the characters in myself and people I knew, the dialogue was sharp, and the cast was peppered with people I either already loved or would come to. It gave us two new horror icons in killer Ghostface and heroine Sydney, played by my other world wife Neve Campbell. It’s funny, stylish, and has some great scares and kills, and it’s a movie I’ll never tire of.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street

The only film which could beat Scream is my favourite horror movie of all time. This is the one which got me into horror, even before I’d watched it. I knew Kruger, I knew the plot, and I’d seen bits of it when I was a child, and the artwork in the video stores always intrigued me. It’s one of Craven’s most successful movies, it’s his best work, his most inventive, and it is even critically acclaimed to a certain degree – not always unusual for horror, but definitely rate for one so visceral. The film and its villain gained iconic status leading to a long series of spin-offs and sequels, none of which have matched the skill and precision of the original. Langenkamp and Englund are terrific, the effects are nightmarish, and the idea of someone stalking your dreams (for the sins of your parents no less) remains potent. Horror often bleeds into fantasy, but I don’t think it was ever worked so successfully than with this undoubted masterpiece.

Let us know in the comments which movies you would include in your Top Ten Wes Craven list!

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

*Originally written in 2004

After 10 years, Wes Craven returned to the series and characters which brought him his greatest success, in an attempt to inject some life into the franchise and again try to re-define the horror genre. A New Nightmare is a success on both counts, even if it was mainly an experiment and stepping stone between projects. A New Nightmare brings attention to themes such as art imitating life and vice-versa, adoration of horror movies, the life of a cult figure, how we perceive violence, censorship, and of course the relationship between parent and child.

Wes Craven has been having nightmares and is using them to write a seventh installment in the Elm Street series. He contacts the star of Parts 1 and 3, Heather Langenkamp, and asks if she would be interested in returning to the role one last time. She turns down the role as she is a happily married mother who has tried to put the films and Freddy behind her. However, the fans are ravenous for more. Recently, Heather has been getting strange phone calls, probably from a stalker or obsessive fan who claims to be Freddy, calls which upset her and her son Dylan. She has also been having nightmares of her own, some involving her old nemesis, but puts it down to stress. Her husband Chase is out of town working on a film, and on his return home he falls asleep at the wheel, crashes and dies. Heather insists on checking the body, and finds claw marks over his chest. She now believes that Freddy, or someone pretending to be him is stalking her family. Freddy is not happy that he has been forgotten and wants out into the real world. He attacks Heather in her dreams, and she is drawn into a final battle to save her son and self from the demon who now seems to be scarier, stronger and more violent.

The film returns to the scares, imagery, themes, and gore which made the original so popular. Bringing back several members of the original cast, Craven manages to create a perfect, dreamlike blend between the real world and the dream world. Heather is an actress but must remember that it was the spirited youth of her character which saved Nancy’s life. However, the fact she has grown up, and that it was just a real world job means that it is difficult to believe such things – she is in danger of becoming like her character’s mother. Freddy is now presented as pure evil, albeit with a few catchphrases, a creature completely intent on becoming real.

Langenkamp takes the difficult role in her stride and is just as good as she was in the original, now a protective mother rather than a paranoid, survivalist teen. Englund revels once more in his role and seems to enjoy himself more here than in some of the previous films. Saxon and Craven are good in small roles, Miko Hughes is annoying at times as Hughes but still good, and the rest of the cast are adequate. The gore is back to basics, not overblown like in the last few films, and certain scenes are shocking – the ‘skin the cat’ scene is probably the most memorable. Craven again knows how our minds and fears work – the fact that Dylan thinks his toy dinosaur can protect him is a good example of this, that we create a blanket or defender for ourselves when there is no-one else to help us. This is overall a good idea well executed, a precursor to the Scream series, and a respectable ending (so far) to the Elm Street franchise.

Let us know in the comments what you thought of A New Nightmare and how it fares alongside the others in the series!

TTT – Top 10 Horror Movies

Greetings, Glancers! It’s been an age and a half since I did one of these Top Ten Tuesdays lists, and that is simply unacceptable. As it’s the season of ghouls and murder I’m going to throw my head into the ring and let you know my Top Ten favourite Horror Movies of all time. Now, I haven’t put a lot of thought into this – I’ve just gone back to my old, faithful, never updated since created Top 250 IMDB favourite movies list and picked the highest ranking horror films. The lowest ranking movie in this Top Ten comes in at 40th in my IMDB list – so you know how much I love horror when 10 movies appear in my top 40 favourite films of all time.

Yes, I’ve loved horror all my life, and I’ve always been the morbid kid. One of my first Primary School stories came back with a note from the teacher saying I had a keen interest in the macabre. I had no clue what that meant, or how to pronounce it. Most of my stories and the games I imagined up to play with my friends involved monsters and gruesome mayhem. And ninjas – it was the 80s after all. I’ve probably mentioned it before – how I was always drawn to the horror section of the VHS store – and I don’t really know where it comes from. I think some of us are just born the right kind of wrong. That’s a good thing too, otherwise we would have never had many wonderful works of fiction and film.

I’m not saying any or all of the below films are wonderful, or masterpieces, or anything like that – just that they represent a decent picture of what I love from the genre (however some of them are genuine masterpieces). I don’t think this list will be too different from any horror fan’s list but maybe there will be a few surprises. If I went back to my Top 250 there would be some definite changes, not just to the ordering but additions, removals, and not just from the horror genre. Enough warbling though. The below ten films are as good an introduction to Horror Movies as any, and they have provided me with a lifetime of entertainment and insight. Scares? Yeah, scares too.

10. Interview With The Vampire

This is probably the most controversial and least loved film on my list. I’m actually surprised I had it so high on my Top 250 too, but there you go. I do love the film, and it’s a great adaptation of one of my favourite books. The cast is top notch, it looks gorgeous, it’s sexy, bloody, and in Claudia we have one of my favourite tragic figures.

9. The Lost Boys

The ultimate MTV generation movie. One of the coolest movies ever too, but you had to be there around the time of release to see that, because watching today it looks either cheesy as hell or a product of another world. It’s vampires again, but rather than mopey, sorry figures, these guys are perma-teens of the cool kids club – sleeping all day, partying all night, pouting in leather and denim. Again there’s a great cast, everyone is ultra-hot, it’s hilarious, quotable, and endlessly entertaining.

8. Night Of The Living Dead

Probably the most important film on the list, this is where modern horror truly kicked off – Psycho started things rolling, but this brought realism where Psycho still felt like a movie. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the film where zombies feel most plausible and most scary. Other films use their zombies for sheer shocks and gore, Romero included, but here they are at their most chilling – we don’t know where they’ve come from, they look like our loved ones, and they just keep coming.

7. Jaws

I’m going to assume everyone has seen this. It’s the ultimate gateway horror film, and one its best to see in your youth. Its scares range from jump-shocks, dread, tension, gore, but at its core it’s a story of man versus monster with universal characters and a simple, entertaining story.

6. Scream

Horror in the 90s was in a downward spiral – Scream almost single-handedly brought it back to relevance, making a tonne of money and getting praise from critics and fans new and old. As much as it nods, winks, and plays with tropes, it’s still an emotive story with a great heroine, tonnes of memorable dialogue and iconic scenes, and plenty of violence, laughs, and scares.

5. The Stand

I could get a lot of stick for this, but I don’t care – I love The Stand. It’s probably my favourite or second favourite book ever, and Mick Garris does it justice. Sure, some of the acting is painful in places and its age and budget are showing now, but the opening scenes and the following collapse of society were shamelessly stolen by The Walking Dead and yet are still effective. There are jump scares, there is violence, nihilism, hope, but it’s the ultimate battle of good versus evil. The soundtrack is also on regular rotation in my car/pocket. As much as I love it, I think an updated version could be epic.

4. The Thing

Now, these top four films – every one of them is a masterpiece – that can’t be disputed – and there isn’t much between how much I love, respect, and appreciate them. The Thing transcends horror – it’s one of the best movies of all time. It’s one of those movies I can’t really fault… the only thing I would say is, as great as the cast is, maybe we don’t spend enough time in the early moments with certain characters, and it can be difficult to differentiate between them. Regardless, it’s a perfect film.

3. Dawn Of The Dead

I can find fault with Dawn Of The Dead, and yet I love it just as much, if not more. The Thing is bad-ass, but Dawn Of The Dead was life-changing. I already loved horror, I already loved zombies, but this opened up a whole new world – it’s one of those movies that feels like something I would make or write. You know when you’re starting out as a writer or performer or artist – and I’m speaking to those of us who started young – as children – you get an idea and you begin tossing it around your juvenile mind, working out the plot and intricacies, and then one day you find out that someone else has already done it. They got there before you, and did it better than you ever could – suddenly you see your dream or nightmare on screen before you, but rather than being bitter, you love it. Someone else gets it. That’s Dawn Of The Dead, and it’s mind-blowing every time.

2. Ringu

This one was also life-changing. I already love foreign movies, Japanese movies, but my experience of Asian Horror was fairly limited. When I first saw Ringu around 1999 I had never seen anything like it. It was modern, beautifully shot, paced to perfection, and holy heavens did it scare my soul away. I couldn’t buy it anywhere, but once it came to TV a year or two later I recorded it and must have watched it every day for a week, showing it to my brother, sister, friends, and loving it every time. I don’t think I’ve had a horror film which has made me do that before or since. Sure I have recommended films to people and have sat people down and forced them to watch some movies, but no movie felt so necessary – I had to see and feel their reactions and I had to be part of that world again. I love the sequels, I love the books, but this is where it started. I was picking up every single Asian horror film I could find after this.

1. A Nightmare On Elm Street

I don’t want to say this is where it all began – the first true horror film I remember seeing was Salem’s Lot – but really this is where it all began, and where it’s still at. Those VHS stores I mentioned –  the Elm Street movie VHS covers were the ones which most caught my eye. Sometimes there would be a poster or cardboard cutout of Freddy there and I’d look at it cautiously, waiting for it to come to life. Who was this guy? What was that glove about? What happened his face, what was he doing? Somehow – credit to the wonderful powers of childhood imagination – somehow, though reading the backs of the videos, looking at the pictures, and splicing together rumours, by the time I was 6 or 7 I kind of had the whole thing worked out. I knew Krueger’s name, I knew the 1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you song, I knew that he got you in your sleep, and yet I didn’t see any movie until years later.

I somehow caught the last minute or so of the movie once, and that stayed in my head for years, even after I finally watched the whole thing. The same goes for snippets of other films in the series – something about the characters crept inside me on a personal level to the extent that I credit Krueger, Craven, and the series as being my true doorway to horror cinema. That idea of not being safe in your sleep is something chilling for all of us, but I think it’s something kids are especially susceptible too. We’re supposed to go to sleep, dream sweet dreams, and wake knowing we are safe and warm and loved. Craven turns that upside down and inside out, and goes further, exploring that idea that it’s the fault of the protector, the parent, that we are put in this mess. That idea is explored in many of his films – the mistakes of the parent coming back to haunt the child, but it’s perfected here. I still have a crush on Langenkamp, and while the film doesn’t remotely scare me any more, I can still put it on and love the imagination, the characters, the nostalgia, the story, and all of the more artistic and technical elements.

So there you have it, my very own favourite horror movies. What are your’s? Let us know in the comments! Before I go though, as a bonus, I have other genre crossover movies which some would consider horror or as having horror elements that I rate just as highly, if not higher than some of the above (in other words, they are not lower than 40 on my Top 250 list):

The Terminator

Firmly placed in the action genre – it’s essentially a chase movie – nevertheless The Terminator has a lot in common with the slasher genre. There’s a final girl, an unstoppable killer, tonnes of violence, and plenty of kills.

Predator

Unstoppable killer, violence kills, sort of a final girl, but a bunch of bad-ass marines kicking ass. Predator is a horror icon, even though this is more entrenched in the sci-fi genre.

Aliens

Unstoppable killer, violence kills, a definite final girl, but a bunch of bad-ass marines kicking ass. The Alien is a horror icon, even though this is more entrenched in the sci-fi genre.

Battle Royale

It’s questionable that anyone should include this in the Horror genre… but if it’s not, then what the hell is it? Drama, action, satire, and horror elements – kids forced to kill each other. Regardless, I still say it’s the best film of the 21st Century.

The Crow

Is comic book adaptation its own genre? There are loose connections to horror here, with the unstoppable killer being the hero. The dark visuals and the origin plot are horror.

Assault On Precinct 13

Like many (most?) of Carpenter’s movies, this is a siege film. There isn’t anything supernatural, but it features hordes of faceless gang members attacking relentlessly – Night Of The Living Dead anyone? Also – ice cream.

Jurassic Park

It’s lighter and more family friendly than Jaws, but it’s still Spielbergian horror. Kids under threat from dinosaurs, huge unstoppable monsters, nowhere to run – good stuff.

Happy October everyone – Happy Halloween, Happy Horror Watching, and don’t forget to share your comments and memories!

TTT – Johnny Depp Movies

Greetings, Glancers! Ladies keep your pants on as today we look at my favourite 10 Johnny Depp movies. I’ve been a big Depp fan since as long as I can remember. I’m not sure what the first movie of his I saw was, but I’m farily positive it is something from this list. Depp has been a megastar since the early 90s and a star long before then, and he was my personal pick for that wonderful hetero-male schoolyard question – ‘if you had to shag one man, who would it be’. Kids these days.

Johnny Depp is known (increasingly so in recent years) for picking offbeat characters to portray, usually those on the fringes of society, or quirky, or with romantic burdens. These are the roles which he seems to enjoy, but he has also featured as more serious, straight types – most performances though he gives himself entirely over and even though you know it’s Johnny Depp you can feel the character rather than the actor. Below are my top ten Johnny Depp films – a mixture of performances that I think are his best while also thinking of my enjoyment of the whole film, with a greater focus on the performance. This top ten is actually fairly interchangeable – Number 1 is the only 1 that remains fixed, while the others are all essentially the same ranking, and quite a few other films not included are roughly similar in quality in my eyes.

10. A Nightmare On Elm Street

Depp’s first major appearance was in my favourite horror movie of all time. A Nightmare On Elm Street sees the young star playing a typical teen boyfriend and his role doesn’t go much further than the tropes and expectations of the genre. This is Nancy’s and Freddy’s movie, but everyone remember’s Depp for his failure to stay awake and his gloriously bloody demise. He doesn’t quite have the look yet, or the star power, but the film is so good and he is an integral part, so it has to make my top ten.

9. The Libertine

Has anyone even seen this movie? I feel like nobody has because nobody ever talks about it. Sure, it isn’t the best movie in the world, and is probably in the lower half of Depp’s filmography if we’re talking about good movies, but Depp’s performance is excellent – dirty, horrific, and with the venomous charm of a street addict looking for a final fix. Depp stars as the Earl Of Rochester, The Libertine of the title, a notorious pleasure seeker and dandy. As the film progresses, the hedonism comes back to bite the character in the body, if not the soul, and he begins to wither to an emaciated husk. Even as he falls to bodily corruption, he flies his singular flag, acting like a 17th Century punk hero who burned brightly for a few moments, then was snuffed out – except here he portrays the character as mostly unlikable and dastardly. It’s one of his bravest, most visceral performances.

8. Donnie Brasco

I’ve spoken about this movie before, covering it in my favourite Al Pacino performances. Depp and Pacino work well together, and while Pacino’s weary, fading performance grabs the eye, it is Depp who goes through the changes – the loving cop husband seduced by the darkside. People never gave Depp’s ‘serious’ performances the credit they deserved at the time, and now moan about how every film now is some bizarro freakshow. You can’t have it both ways! Or more accurately where Depp is concerned – of course you can. Depp can play any sort of role, and here it is one of his finest straight shots. He gets to play a normal human, flawed and wretched like the rest of us, but without the need for grandiosity or make-up, and with all of that stripped away he still knocks it out of the park.

7. Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl

As everyone knows, the sequels drastically went downhill while becoming increasingly convoluted, but the original Pirates Of The Caribbean Movie is as perfect a popcorn movie you’re ever likely to see. A fun adventure filled with larger than life scoundrels, daring escapades, laughs, romances, and good performances all around. Depp steals the show entirely in what may now be regarded his most famous role. Jack Sparrow is more of a Pirate to the public conscience now that Blackbeard or Long John Silver or Old No-Eyed Skip Stumpy Stump. His maniacal performance deservedly got an Oscar nomination, probably should have got the win, and is brimmed with swaggering confidence and anxious ticks.

6. Sweeney Todd – The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street

After some time away from bestie Tim Burton, Depp joined forces with his sullen goth pal once more to bring this musical to stinking life. I was genuinely shocked at how dark and depressing the film actually was, and that was after me already knowing the story since childhood. It’s one of the few instances where I felt kind of shaken leaving the Cinema, and that is as much down to Depp as it is the denouement and the gorgeous look and feel of the thing. Depp channels and then exorcises his Ichabod Crane and merges it with some malevolent, swamp monstrosity. The Demon in the title is key – this is a man, and a performance, possessed by something unspoken and arch, a foul parasite that destroys whatever it comes into contact with – and yet you still somehow manage to feel sorry for him.

5. Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

Going full Depp, is that a thing? It is now. Yes, Depp goes full Depp in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, chewing the scenery as much as his own face, and making merry with Del Toro and go as they ravage Vegas to pieces in their quest for half-assed gonzo reporting and the finest highs the world can offer. It’s well documented that Depp and Hunter S Thompson were pals, and Depp takes his look, mannerisms, and speech, mangles them in a stoned haze, and tosses them through the looking glass to craft another colourful character and performance that can never be forgotten once seen.

4. Benny And Joon

This was pretty much ignored at release and beyond, except for a few years after the turn of the century when everyone remembered it existed. Since then it has vanished from people’s minds once more. Or so it seems to me. It’s a gentle comedy, a quiet romance, and features Depp being just off centre enough to still be adorable but not off-putting. The film is never laugh out loud funny, or heartbreaking, or anything extreme – it is light and airy, without becoming preachy or sentimental. It’s simply a sweet story, with Depp showing us a different side to what he was known to at the time, recalling the physical comedians of the past.

3. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

It’s Johnny at his most hearthrobby, whatever that means. DiCaprio rightly gets the plaudits for his performance, but Depp, Lewis,and all the rest all give it a damn good go to complete a touching portrayal of daily struggles. Depp is able to carry a lot of the film as the ostensible lead, and he doesn’t have the suit of armour or make-up to hide behind as in his previous hit. There is nothing inherently quirky about his character, name aside, but it is the situation he finds himself in which borders on the unusual. Depp is a strange mixture of passive, accepting, and keen – willing to be the father figure and brother, yet accepting of his lot even as he hopes for more.

2. Ed Wood

Depp’s other film of 1993 allowed him to unleash his more madcap and exuberant side as he plays the title character in the cult biography. Teaming up with Burton after their earlier success, Ed Wood was a much smaller movie and for many years remained that Tim Burton or Johnny Depp movie that no-one had seen. Even with the critical acclaim which was given to the film and its stars, it was a commercial failure which has luckily found a cult audience in the years since. What is key to the success of the film is that it does not outright mock or laud its titular figure – it simply presents a captivating story of people with a dream and a will – people who will never succeed, people who have already succeeded but been spat out, and people who remain enamored by an industry that doesn’t care about them. Depp’s Wood is stellar, ably backed by a terrific Martin Landau – another instance of the supporting performer getting the plaudits over Depp when both performers deserve all the praise. Depp’s character is child-like in both enthusiasm and despair, a most human Peter Pan, and is just out of place and time enough to be noticeable – he is someone for the powerful to swat away and the needy to cuddle and protect.

1. Edward Scissorhands

Once again my Number 1 should not surprise anyone – Edward Scissorhands is in my mind a flawless film and one of my all time favourites. The only criticism I have ever been able to lay at its feet is that it just isn’t long enough. This is a star-making performance by Depp, creating an emphatic 90s outsider and anti-hero, and showcasing his ability as a physically expressive actor and someone who is able to play the audience for laughs and tears in equal measure. Much of the credit of the film goes of course to Burton – the ideas of isolation, the frivolous horrors of suburban America, and the bizarre realities and feelings of the outcast are his – but all of these are portrayed through the script, the colours, and the performances, with Depp at his best as Edward.

Ten great films and ten great performances – 10 films every film fan should see. I think seven of these performances are worthy of Oscar nominations/wins, so once I get to the 90s in my Oscars rundown, you’ll see most of these popping up. Let us know in the comments what your favourite Johnny Depp films and performances are!

Never Sleep Again

Weird Little Boy

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part One is my favourite horror movie of all time; The Elm Street series has been an obsession of mine since before I’d even seen a single film. When I was young, I used to visit the local video store with my family to pick up a few flicks for the week – usually something for the family, and something martial arts related for me and my brother to enjoy. While my family looked, I would inevitably find myself in the horror section – always off in the corner, and always filled from floor to ceiling with gruesome covers depicting terrifying characters who were maimed, mutated, or scarred, and with titles that would haunt my nights and days. Chief among these were the Elm Street movies and the central antagonist Freddy Krueger, whose burned face leered at me from every angle. I remember catching trailers for the movies, or snippets of scenes late at night on TV which both horrified and intrigued me, and would chat about them in school with friends. Flash-forward many years and the series has gone from strength to ridicule to infamy to respected horror canon. While I bought the series on DVD, I always felt that the features were a little light, so when it was announced that a massive retrospective documentary charting the entire series as a phenomenon was being made, that weird little boy inside me returned.

A New Line in the Murder Range

Never Sleep Again is a glorious piece of work for the fan, and a prime example of how to make a rewarding, entertaining documentary which both respects and pokes fun at a film series. With contributions from cast and crew who talk about their respective work on every movie in the series, as well as some of the spin-offs, it is an extremely well-researched and interesting feature. While it is clearly catered towards fans like me, I think those with a passing interest and even someone who hasn’t seen one of the movies would find something to enjoy within. Narrated by Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) herself, the feature documents the beginnings of the series in the minds of Wes Craven and Robert Shaye – how it catapulted both Director and New Line Studios into movie stardom, and how it was an unexpected commercial and critical smash. For those of who who have a particular favourite in the series, don’t be concerned that it will be passed over as each entry is given the same level of reverence and coverage, with witty stories on how directors were hired, how the stories were written, how the effects were made, and the impact the movies had on the lives of the cast members. At four hours long, we cover the 7 seven main films in the series, Freddy Versus Jason, and the short lived television series, with contributions from Craven, Shaye, each of the directors, and most of the writers and actors (no Depp, Arquette, Fishburne and a few others) who discuss their favourite scenes and how they approached the particular film.

Not only are the interviews entertaining and enlightening, but the duo who made the feature, Daniel Farrands and Andrew Kasch, along with Thommy Hutson should be credited for created such a coherent piece. With such an amount of material to wade through, and a massive amount of interviewees, they have assembled a masterpiece of horror lore, and a wonderful must-have accompanying piece to the series, one which deserves, nay, must be mentioned in any discussion of the series. We get nice animated pieces whilst moving between each film, and a friendly atmosphere which could only have been facilitated so well by dedicated, professional fans. The second disc contains bonus features which range from amusing novelties, to extended interviews, mini featurettes covering artwork, music, the Elm Street expanded universe, the fans and beyond. As if it wasn’t obvious, if you’re a fan of Freddy, then this is a must have. Due to the length of the feature, those who don’t know much about the series may be put off, but if you give it a shot, you’re sure to be sucked into the world which Craven and Co created, and I can only assume you’ll want to give the movies a shot.

Are you a fan of the Elm Street series? Which movie in the series is your favourite? How does the series hold up against rival series and which set of movies would you like a documentary of this size and scope to be made for? Let us know in the comments!

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 3: Dream Warriors

*Originally written in 2005

Definitely the second best in the series, Elm Street Part 3 brings back Nancy, the heroine of the first movie, and happily disregards the events of the fairly awful Freddy’s Revenge. Featuring a good cast- Langenkamp, Saxon, Fishburne, Arquette, and a decent script by Frank Darabont, Dream Warriors should not be seen as a rubbish sequel due to its many good points overcoming the handful of bad ones.

Since the events of the first film, Nancy has become a therapist/social worker for disturbed kids, specialising in traumas brought about by nightmares and fantasies. The film is situated mostly in a home/hospital for these kids, with Nancy bringing her expertise when it appears that an old enemy is up to new tricks. At first the kids do not trust her, but once she reveals herself as someone who has been through similar events they treat her as a powerful ally. Unlike the rest of the doctors, Nancy does not believe that they are experiencing some kind of group psychosis. The bond between Nancy and each of the kids feels genuine – a motherly bond that both she and them are lacking. It becomes apparent that Freddy is back, and is stalking more kids. The key to stopping Kruger this time lies with the gifts each kid has, a skill only they can bring into the ‘dream world’ with them, whether it be great strength or magic powers. However, the most powerful gift belongs to Alice (Patricia Arquette), who can bring outsiders into her dreams meaning they can all fight Freddy together. As they fight for survival one of Nancy’s colleagues, together with her estranged father (John Saxon) hunt for Kruger’s bones to give them a suitable burial which will hopefully end his curse.

The plot is wildly imaginative, and sometimes flies all over the place, but that is also what made the original original. Again the kids are alone and misunderstood, but it is Nancy who teaches them to have confidence in their own strengths and to not be afraid. Arquette and Langenkamp work well together, and the rest of the group includes the usual stereotypes of jock, nerd, addict etc. Unlike later films in the series, and most films of its ilk, we grow to care about these characters and want to see who, if any, will survive. We spend a fair amount of time getting to know them, their fears, and even see a little of ourselves in them. Being a horror movie though, we know that not everyone is getting out of this nightmare alive, leading to many gruesome kills including a few that are highlights of the series. The film has many excellent effects, although the series here begins to show a reliance on gore. There are a decent amount of scares and a fair amount of tension is built up before the climactic battle. Englund once again steals the show, but the one liners are starting to make an appearance – the more we get to know the bad guy, the less scary he becomes, and soon we are rooting for him and forgetting that he is a child-killing molester. Luckily this film doesn’t go too far down that road, but it certainly opens the door. Overall a very good horror film with so many ideas it could have been warranted being split over the course of two films as a nicely rounded trilogy. The DVD doesn’t contain any features of note, better to check out the Never Sleep Again documentary as it has plenty of extras regarding this entry.

What do you think of Dream Warriors – is it your favourite sequel, or does it stray too far into fantasy and away from horror? Let us know in the comments!

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge

*Updated version of review originally written in 2004

If you are into camp, into horror which is so horribly dated it’s funny, then Elm Street Part 2 may be for you. An attempt to cash in on the success of the original sees a new cast, writer, and director coming in to make sure that lightning won’t strike twice. Part 2 introduces a new set of characters and barely links back to the first film, except that Jesse, the main character has moved into the same house Nancy lived in previously – mentioned here simply as a girl who went mad. I appreciate that the film is making clear attempts to go in new and arguably interesting ways, but the flaws far outweigh the positives.

The first thing horror fans will notice is that the film isn’t scary – the genuine scares and thrills from the first film are almost entirely vanquished, and the dreamlike nature of the original isn’t recreated. There are definitely some interesting moments and ideas, but it mostly falls on its bum due to some hilarious homoerotic fun and games. Much has been said on this over the years – it speaks for itself and becomes jarring like everyone involved simply wanted to make the film one big joke rather than say anything worthwhile about masculinity or sexuality. The whole film could conceivably be someone else’s nightmare, perhaps Nancy’s, or an unknown character, at least then it would make more sense.

The story sees main character Jesse having nightmares featuring our good friend Freddy and before long Jesse’s friends and enemies begin to die in ways somehow connected to his dreams. However, is it actually Freddy doing the killing, or is it Jesse himself? Spoiler – It’s Freddy. The fine premise of having Freddy coming into the real world, and Jesse coming out of the closet is a good one, but it isn’t handled well, and there are way too many scenes of unnecessary humour. The acting is mostly okay if unremarkable, the effects are great, but the shower attack, the canary attack, and the film’s most horrific moment – Jesse’s inexplicable bedroom dancing scene, are classic moments of things that eyes should never have to witness. The script isn’t great, the music is largely awful, and it is about as savagely 80s as possible. The original deserved a much better sequel.

The DVD doesn’t contain any worthwhile features – hunt out the Never Sleep Again Documentary for more info on the behind the scenes information.

Let us know in the comments what you thought of this one and where you would rank it in the series!

A Nightmare On Elm Street – DVD Review

We all float down here

In 1984 Wes Craven redefined the horror movie forever, bringing his own rules to the game, avoiding the clichés that had gone before, making an exciting, inventive, gory, wickedly clever, and above all-scary film. A Nightmare On Elm Street, spawner of sequels, influencer of crap is the movie horror fans hoped for in the early eighties, but is also an effective satire on small town life, our fascination with serial killers, our fear of the unknown, and the sins of our forefathers.

Nancy is fourteen. She has a cute boyfriend who would do anything for her, two friends (who frequently mock Nancy with their own sexual experience), and a load of baggage. Nancy lives with her alcoholic mother, while her father is the local Sheriff – her parents divorced some time before the events of the movie. One night when the four friends are staying together, Nancy’s best friend Tina is brutally murdered by a hideously disfigured man, seemingly while sleeping. Her boyfriend Rod watches on, horrified, while Nancy hears the screams from outside. Rod flees, and the cops look for him believing he is the only possible killer. It isn’t long before the Police catch up to Rod, but Nancy becomes convinced that someone else killed Tina, a man named Fred Krueger. Night by night she is haunted by increasingly violent dreams where she is stalked by a man with a razor fingered glove, and so tries to investigate further for fear that she may be next.

As the movie progresses Nancy’s relationship with her mother becomes increasingly strained, with the daughter frantically taking pills to avoid sleep and seemingly becoming unhinged, while the mother is unable to act or react in a responsible manner. Nancy’s mom takes her to psychiatrists in a vain attempt to keep her own guilt in the shadows, refusing to own up to the fact that her past has caught up with her, not knowing that everything she is doing is wrong. She goes so far as barring Nancy inside the house and refuses contact between Nancy and Glen – her boyfriend. Glen’s parents are only too happy to oblige, not wanting their son to associate with the loony across the street. Eventually, we learn the sordid history about Krueger – he was a child murderer who stalked the town a few years ago, was caught, but escaped unpunished by some loophole. The  residents took the law into their own hands, burning and killing Fred, but somehow he has found another loophole and is getting revenge by killing the children of Elm Street once more in the place they should feel most safe – their own homes, their own dreams. With no-one to trust, Nancy needs to overcome the enemy alone.

Tickle tickle

This is one of the most imaginative horror movies ever, blending dreams with reality so the viewer never knows whether a character is asleep or not. The fact that we don’t know what is real and what is a dream gives a sense of tension throughout as we don’t know when Krueger will appear. Craven uses all the force which caused his previous films to be censored and banned but makes his themes more subtle, and substitutes the realistic and grim visuals of The Last House on the Left for the fantastical sights here. For the most part it is the fault of the parents that their kids are killed- they created the monster by trying to kill the monster, but more importantly they then feel like their job has been completed, not realising when their kids are still in danger. There is a total lack of understanding between the two generations, and little trust in the abilities of the youth. It is not only a tale for those nearing adulthood to be afraid of the world – that in the end we have to rely on ourselves rather than those who have protected us so far – but it is a story about the older generation’s fear of the next generation. They want to be leaders but have their own insecurities, they want to be respected but show little in return, they want to protect but cannot see when something is really, seriously wrong.

The young cast is good, particularly Langenkamp. Garcia and Wyss have little to do, Depp has a bigger role and shows some of what would make him a legend. It is Langenkamp who carries the film, and she is excellent in her portrayal of fear, paranoia and helplessness, all the things we face when we are teens. We forget these things as we get older, but they rarely leave us, and often in forgetting do we lose the ability to cope when confronted once again. Nancy screams, but thinks; She is not the typical stupid teen over a hundred other Slashers. She makes an assertive step towards saving herself and her friends, while trying to hold her family together. She takes on the traditional roles of both father and mother, becoming hunter and protector, indeed she proves to be the strongest character in the film, preceding Ripley by a few years. She knows her own survival is down to herself.

The older cast members are also very good. Blakley is brilliant as Marge, hapless, hopeless mother who cannot cope with Nancy, with her break-up, with her guilt, giving in to booze like so many others. Saxon is also good as the father trying to get on with his life, burrowing himself in his work to forget the evils of his past, yet coming across as the most sympathetic adult. And of course, Englund steals every scene he is in. He is terrifyingly believable, the perfect example of what lurks in our nightmares, waking and dreaming. His one-liners are darkly comic as he takes sadistic joy in following and killing kids. In later films they become increasingly silly, but here we get the sense that these are the exact words that would come from the maw of a paedophile and serial killer.

Billy, you’d better clean up that mess!

The effects also stand out, with the famous bloodbath bed scene, and Tina being torn all over the ceiling becoming some of the most famous images in horror history. Kreuger looks monstrous, those blades will be heard in our dreams, while the dream world is filmed with care – we can tell that there is something not quite right about the surroundings, and we are subtly unsettled. A highly effective film, scary, funny, thought-provoking and unnerving, and with one of the most frightening villains ever committed to film. This inspired many clones, but this is still the king and continues to influence many films, horror and beyond. And count the number of Simpsons references.

Features wise I would go for the 2-Disc special edition as it is slightly more expensive but has plenty of commentaries and documentaries to keep your nerd heart pumping.

*Originally written in 2004 – I never realised that it was basically a plot summary (and I’ve even removed some chunks for the above revised edition) – so apologies for a crappy review of one of my favourites movies.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Wet Dream

Well, spank mine innards! This is a delightful romp, a camp caper full of rumps. This song is the presequel to A Nightmare on Elim Street 1: First Blood and sees our hero infiltrating a local gay bar. You see, when he was first alive, Freddy was Bi-interested and would often parade in his finery to the gay light district, flaunting his stuff on the steamiest dancefloors, punting his groin into the sweaty darkness of the dankest dives in the hope of encountering some forbidden taboo naughtiness. Unfortunately for him he was tri-ugly and his idea of catwalk strutting flawlessness was an old strippy woolen jumper- hey man! This was the 80s, the height of fashions, and everyone worth a penny knew that jumpers were out, and that pockets sewn in place of zips on pants, and helmets were in! Poor Freddy! He only wanted to fit in, but even those on the sweet fringes of society would not have him. So much so in fact that they pinned him down one night in the Blue Oyster Bar, poured gallons of Buckfast into his orifi and set him alight. ‘Now you ARE a flamer, now you ARE a flamer, NoW you are A flamER!’ they chant in the thrilling opening sequence. As if he wasn’t dead enough by this point, they proceed to beckon down a giant disco ball and crush his charred remains with it. As the ash and bone merges with the sprinkles and light from the glowing orb, the music builds and we get a classic opening credits sequence which has become the hallmark of the series.

Duran Dooran supply yet another smash hit with their epic 2 and a half minuter ‘Dance Into The Nightmare’. The band cavort over each other whilst naked young nubiles are shown in fleeting glimpses on a shadowy canvas, watermarked by images of guns and glasses of Martini. ‘Dance! Into the nightmare! You run away- but you are gay! Dance! Into the nightmare! A spinny splenge- it is Freddy’s Revenge!’

We then get stuck into the veg of the story. A young boy has just moved into the town and has noticed that curiously all the other children are dead and/or missing. It takes him 3 weeks of school to realize this but then it was the 80s and everyone was drunk on cokecane. The boy is a sexually charged young lad and wants to check out the scene, man. One night he enters (lol) a bar (lol) and witness the leather clad beardos with fervour. Soon he is dancing but the other patrons eye him suspiciousedly. One (who you may recognize from the intro) takes him into the toilets, and while they strip and begin to bang each other rather painfully against the stall door, tells the boy to never come back because the town has a terrible secret that could threaten to kill them all. Before the boy can answer, the man squeezes him down the toilet and flushes. The boy wakes up coughing in a duck pond near his home and decides to investigate. After discovering that the previous year a demon called Freddy had devoured most of the community, but was stopped before he could slaughter any adults, he realizes that the men (lol) of the town are scared that Freddy will posess this young boy and use him as a vessel to rear enter the world for another time. It turns out though that they are correct in their presumptions and Freddy tries to take the boy’s soul via his anis.

Much of this film is very confusing to me because I have never met a gayman, a woman, or a Freddy. I think they were portrayed in a fairly accurate light, especially towards the end when they transform into robots and power up to launch a torpedo attack into the Freddyboymergedmonster. This realism and dedication to this often overlooked subspecies is to be applauded, and more film makers and knee jerking journalists should watch this so that they too can understand what the hell is going through a homo-sapien’s mind. Many critics criticized the film for its overt sexuality scenes. If only we could learn to treat each other with love and/or respect then the world would be a much lovlier, discoier place.

Best Scene: When the boy is studying in his bedroom, turns on the radio and hears some static, only to inexplicably re-enact the dance scene from Footloose atop his bed in a tanktop. This goes on for 17 minutes before the school janitor comes in through the bedroom window and whips his behind (anus) with an elongated hose until both lie panting and laughing on the ground. Come to think of it, I don’t remember any sexual scenes in this film so I don’t know what those critics are talking about!

Nope, I have no idea

Top 50 Moments Series – Dialogue, Part 1

Today I introduce the first in a self-indulgent new series nicked from a variety of other sites and blogs. According to my Stats page, most people come here for my music lists (although according to my daily search engine hits, most people come here to see ‘Sigourney Weaver nude’, ‘Scared Kids pics’, and ‘Sigourney Weaver nakdt’…). A lot of people have doing lists like ’25 awesome moments in cinema’ or ’25 favourite scenes from the movies) based off their own favourite films. So, not to left with my pants down, I’ve decided to avoid the Streaker Police and present some of my faves. I created my list of top 150 films on IMDB way back in ‘ought 3’. Although some of those films will likely have been usurped by others since then, I haven’t been arsed to ever change it. So it remains a snapshot of my awesome student self.

Me Being Awesome… but which one?

I’ve decided to expand the number from 25 to 50, because when I looked at some of the films just outside that arbitrary number, I was missing too many classics. I’ll probably throw in a few bonus moments for films not in my top 50 and some of the films (such as Star Wars Trilogy) are on IMDB as a single entity, so I may split those up. So really, it’s a bullshitty mess, and another way for me to talk about movies instead of going out and doing cool stuff like meeting friends and stalking Sigourney Weaver (seriously, every day that search option appears more times than is normal, and I don’t even know why). While most lists have focused on general terms or several different ‘types of moment’ within one list, I think I’ll spread the love and do a dedicated list for each type, ranging from favourite line of dialogue to favourite overall moment. Feel free to give your choices in the comments, or mock me for mine. My list will follow the order of my top 50 films, not necessarily my top 50 moments. Maybe at some point I’ll get round to doing something for TV and music, for those people who actually read this blog. So, without further Apu, I give you:

My 50 (or so) favourite lines of dialogue… FROM THE MOVIES!

1. Star Wars Trilogy. (1977-1983, Lucas, Kershner, Marquand). Well well, these 3 films combined have probably been quoted more by fans, geeks, people who have never even seen them, and by characters in other films, than any other film in the history of ever. Every central character has at least one great line (even some of the bit players get cool dialogue), and for a trilogy packed with central characters you can be sure there will be a moment of pop culture brilliance every few minutes. I’m sure you have your favourites.

A New Hope: Poor little Admiral Motti is frustrated that LORD Vader does not approve of their new BFG and that has not yet found the rebel fortress. In a public forum his complaints are perhaps valid, but he goes about things the wrong way, flatly accusing Vader of being an old fool. If you didn’t know by this stage in the film that Vader was evil, powerful, and fucking awesome, then after he utters his next line, you will. Making the slightest of motions with his hand, Vader performs a deadly choking trick on Motti, who soon regrets ever being born. Vader coldly, simply adds: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

The Empire Strikes Back: As The Empire tries to rebuild after suffering some huge blows in the first film, Skywalker finds himself training in the ways of The Force and being drawn to Vader. Meanwhile loveable rogue Han Solo has been trying his luck with the feisty Princess Leia. In true tragic form though, Solo is captured by the bad guys due to a bounty on his head. Rather than kill Solo, the bad guys wish to freeze him as a prize for the as yet unseen Jabba The Hutt. As Solo is led to his destiny, Leia finally reveals her feelings: ‘I love you’. Han, always striving for the coolest way to respond simply adds: ‘I know’. Does this make him a dick? Does it make him even more epic? Yes yes yes.

My joint favourite quote from Empire is the little exchange between Luke and Yoda where they discuss coming up against their foe. Luke, having spent at least one montage’s worth of training with everyone’s favourite space goblin is full of fire and optimism: ‘I’m not afraid’. Yoda brings him back to earth though with the immortal: ‘you will be… you will be.’

Return Of The Jedi: ‘It’s a trap!’ That is all.

2. The Terminator. (1984, Cameron): Also known as the Greatest Love Story Ever Told, The Terminator has it’s fair share of memorable one liners and dialogue. Everyone knows Arnie’s ‘I’ll be back’, but what about such other classics as ‘Get out’? When you’ve watched the film 50 million times, a few other nuggets of wisdom stand out. Even nothing characters become immortal. From ‘Hey buddy, did you just see a real bright light?’ to ‘Nice night for a walk’ to ‘Yo momma’ and even ‘You got a dead cat in there, or what?’

My favourite line changes from day-to-day, as it does for most of these films. While Sarah is still a little rough around the edges for most of the film, almost every word Reece utters kicks ass from ‘Pain can be controlled’ to ‘I didn’t build the fucking thing!’ to ‘Come with me if you want to live’. Although the entire exchange between Reece and Silberman is gold and has many classics, it’s Reece’s demented speech to Sarah about The Terminator which stands tall: ‘Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead’.

3. T2. (1991, Cameron). With T2, we have no Reece to rely on anymore, but now that Sarah is bad-ass,Arnie is a good guy, and John is around we have even more great one-liners. I could go on about some of the excellent exchanges involving Arnie ‘I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle’…’Your foster parents are dead’… ‘What’s wrong with your eyes?’… ‘Why?’… ‘Uncle Bob?’ and so on, or some of the madness spouted by Sarah to Silverman, or even some of one-off comedy pieces, from ‘shut up, you worthless piece of shit’ to ‘Your foster parents are kinda dicks, huh?’ and ‘The Galleria?’

But no, my choice is the one line which for over a decade was the over-riding message of the film, which sadly (though inevitably?) became a lie as the movies progressed. It’s one of the two central themes stamped all over T2 (the other being ‘Because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too’) and while Sarah carves it into a table, John is the one to say it: ‘There’s no fate but what we make for ourselves’. Live by it, kids!

4. Predator. (1987, McTiernan): I’m gonna have me some fun with this one. Another Arnie classic, and another movie that I always get drawn into watching if I catch a snippet on TV. A lot of this is down to the action of course, but the dialogue ensures this isn’t just another by the numbers run and gun flick. Shane Black even  features, but as an actor, not a writer. While most of the testosterone charged 80s action movies had their fair share of one liners (usually accompanying a death a la Bond), Predator is quotable for most daily situations: waiting for toilet to become available? ‘Son of a bitch is dug in like an Alabama tick’. Someone shows interest in what you’re having for lunch? ‘This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me’. Late for the train? ‘Get to da chopper!’ (particularly good to scream at the top of your lungs to no-one in particular as you race through the crowded station). Anything? ‘Come on… Come on! Do it! Do it!’ My favourite today though comes near the start of the movie as our crack team is trying to take out a group of expendables. Future not-President Jessie Ventura gets hurt and starts to bleed. Poncho tells Jessie he’s bleeding. Jessie replies ‘I ain’t got time to bleed’. I’ll let you think up some appropriate scenarios for usage.

Me, having me some fun… but which one?

5. Robocop. (1987, Verhoeven): It’s always been my opinion that Robocop is the most quotable film ever. I’m fairly certain I could get through a normal day, inlcuding navigating work, family, and friends, by only using Robocop dialogue. Hell, even the watered down TV versions have their own hilarious twists on the original dialogue- ‘you’re gonna be a baaad mother-crusher’ gets used at least once a week. So picking a favourite quote from Robocop would be like Ron Jeremy picking his favourite boob. On the rare occasion that I swear in public, there’s usually a Robocop twist- ‘Fuck you’ becomes (in Steve Minh’s voice) ‘oh.. (pause for shotgun cocking… ooh-er) fuck you!’ Even my Spac Review (link) of Robocop is simply a list of the best lines given the Spac treatment. So, while I’m not terrifying my daughter when she won’t sit still to get her nappy changed by saying ‘Come quietly or there will be…. trouble!’ or instigating divorce proceedings by telling my wife (invoking voice of Clarence) to ‘just gimme my fuckin phone call’ instead of asking where I put my cell phone, what do I think my current fave line is? ‘Tastes like babyfood’? No. ‘Stay out of trouble’? No. ‘Murphy, it’s you’? No. ‘NANANANANANANANANA!’? Close. Jeebus, I really don’t know. Let’s just wrap it up and say that today, my favourite Robocop line is ‘Can you flyyyy, Bobby?’

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 1. (1984, Craven). Wes Craven has a way of being the coolest director, teacher, dad, for teenage audiences. Most of his early films are based around the mistakes of our parents and predecessors and focus on how the kids have to deal with the carnage and aftermath. There is a definite mistrust of the older generation and a cosy, accurate depiction of camaraderie between friends. As a young viewer to all things Freddy, this was a revelation- those whose job it is to protect us may be useless and just as dangerous as  those whose job it is to hurt us. So, Nancy, one of the original and best Final Girls remains an inspiration as she turns to her friends, and finally herself to escape: ‘I’m into survival’.

7. Conan the Barbarian. (1982, Milius): Right wing maestro John Milius never seems to get the credit he deserves- writing such classics as Apocalypse Now, Dirty Harry, and under-appreciated flicks like Big Wednesday. Conan The Barbarian, in my tiny opinion, is shining moment both as a writer and director. There are right field leanings, obviously, but given the source material that sort of thing can be overlooked. Underneath the general carnage there are plenty of philosophical whispers and posturing, and many opposing ideas on power- how to gain it and how to keep it. The opening quote paraphrased from Nietzche – ‘That which does not kill us makes us stronger’ may be overused and as such weakened these days, but it has never been more appropriately attached as here. The opening massacre leads both to Conan’s growth and fate. While the big man doesn’t speak much himself, when he does it is to answer a riddle posed by another, or to scream while beheading someone.

Obviously there are great liners that everyone knows, from Conan’s ‘To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women’ to Valeria’s ‘All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I’d come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side’. However, Thulsa Doom gets the best lines (and name) and one of his best gets my vote: ‘Contemplate this on the tree of woe’. It’s not only the way that quote rolls beautifully off the tongue, but the way Jones delivers it with such disdain. Throughout the film he seems so bored with everything he sees, so passive with his power, and so pissed when he sees the strong failing to live up to his expectations.

8. Ringu. (1998, Nakata): The Japanese original Ring film is renowned for its scares, its atmosphere, its performances, and its climax. Off the top of my head I couldn’t think of any real zingers, although ‘Frolic in brine, goblins be thine’ has always haunted me ever since I first heard it.

9. Dumb and Dumber. (1994, Farrelly bros): Like most of my top 10, I quote from this one on a weekly basis, borrowing from main and small characters alike. Unfortunately in this part of the world, beverages rarely come grossly super-sized, so I don’t often get the chance to say ‘Big Gulps, huh? All right!’ but for general annoyance ‘We got no food, no jobs… our PETS’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!’ has served me well. ‘Let’s not’ (complete with Austrian accent) gets a solid hearing every so often, ‘suck me sideways’ is regular, as is ‘pretty bird!’ I’ll go for something a little different for Dumb and Dumber and pick, not a quote, but a sound. The most annoying sound in the world apparently. ‘EEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!’

10. Police Academy. (1984, Wilson): One of the original spawners of bad sequels, the original Police Academy remains a glorious snapshot of 80s madness. While there are the usual National Lampoon style visual gags and set pieces, these are offset by plenty of humourous pieces of dialogue. Mahoney gets the obvious dialogue, while Jones gets the laugh out loud noise moments, but there are tonnes of smaller, juvenile lines. ‘Your move, Mahomo’ for some reason always makes me giggle, but it is Lassard who gets the best lines. His many monologues and asides always bring laughter tears, my favourite being his podium speech. It’s not necessarily the quality of the dialogue (immature of course) but the delivery, with my highlight being ‘sliiiiiide!’

Come back soon for the next set of films and some more Booker Prize winning dialogue, and don’t forget to leave your favorites from the films mentioned above in the comments, and throw in favourites from films not mentioned!