What do we have in store today? Lets have a gander.
Group 47
Gabrielle – Dreams: I can’t say I ever enjoyed Gabrielle’s music. Too nasal, too bland. Not that I had any illogical hate towards here like I do for UB40 and Erasure and various shitty Dance acts – I just couldn’t understand why she was a thing, why she got the spotlight over many more deserving artists. This is probably her biggest hit.
Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting – All For Love: Bryan Adams was your go to guy for a big hit song for a big hit movie. At some point in the 90s, duets and triplets became the thing if you wanted a hit movie or charity song. I think they could have picked any other three voices – these three near enough middle aged, middle of the road white boy rockers, two with a rasp and one with a shrill, don’t complement each other at all. The song is average, the movie is average, but in all honesty I don’t think it would have been improved even with there were different vocalists.
Cyndi Lauper: Hey Now Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Lauper’s trademark song, revamped with added ‘hey now hey nows’ for the 90s. It’s a little slower, a little sexier, but a little less fun. Still, probably my favourite of the group. My group winner.
911 – The Day We Find Love: Have we covered 911 yet? Probably, though there were so many 1-2 album boy bands in the 90s that it’s easy to mix up their bland sameness. This song could have been performed by any of the other boy bands (or girl bands) and you wouldn’t notice much difference. That would be fine if the song was good, but it’s just a whisper in a class of screaming kids. I’ll give the chorus melody some credit for having some moments, but crap verse, shocking production, poor vocals.
Group 48
Lolly – Big Boys Don’t Cry: I mentioned some base familiarity with Lolly which I could nail down last time her name came around. Maybe this is the one. This doesn’t help matters. It’s actually very sweet. The melody is incredibly predictable though – it’s one of those songs you can sing the next series of notes on your first listen – before those notes come. Still, it’s sweet.
Tin Tin Out Ft Emma Bunton – What I Am: A sexy enough cover of Edie’s 80s banger. I’m not sure which I prefer – the original is the original, but Tin Tin Out add some nice twists and Bunton gives it a solid go on the mic.
Green Day – Basket Case: I mean… it’s Basket Case. The best thing Green Day ever did. The peak of pop punk or power punk or whatever you want to call it. It’s just a perfect blend of melody and offbeat fun and speed. How can you not love this? My group winner.
En Vogue – Hold On: Band name sounds kind of familiar. It opens with a riff on You Really Got A Hold On Me, which MJ perfected decades earlier. Seems to be a girl group. I don’t know if this intro was part of the single as it takes up over a minute of the run time, which is ridiculous. We then descend into fairly standard 90s chart R’n’B pop. Probably the worst song of this fairly strong group.
Group 49
Shanks & Bigfoot – Sweet Like Chocolate: One of the more annoying songs of the 90s.
Jordan Knight – Give It To You: Another name which sounds familiar, but I couldn’t tell you anything about them. Or if it’s a bloke or a woman. Or something in between. It’s a bloke. It has one of the worst introductions I’ve ever heard. Then it becomes some faux Craig David thing. Horrible lyrics – but that’s to be expected. It’s not bad – get rid of that intro and it might be tolerable.
Bone Thugs & Harmony: The Crossroads: That’s a hilarious name. BONE THUGS. I’m imagining some terrible leather and loin-clad 80s metal band, but you already know it’s going to be some shitty gangsta wannabe. At least the badly sung intro subverts my expectations, with some Gospel moaning. Then it hilariously turns into an even more badly sung verse and on to some high pitched high paced rap. There’s almost no musical accompaniment at points. It’s incredibly weak. What the hell is this? Who wrote this and thought it was good? Who put these people near a microphone and thought it was a good idea? Who recorded this and thought ‘nailed it! We definitely don’t need another take, but this time have the people sing in tune’? One of the most inept Top Ten songs I’ve ever heard.
Spice Girls – Stop: Well, by virtue of every other song here being either bad or horrendous, this is the clear winner. It’s one of their most bouncy and fun songs too, so it had a chance of being the best in the group even if the other songs weren’t curling cat turds. My group winner.
Group 50
Steven Houghton – Wind Beneath My Wings: Is this really necessary? Get some bloke no-one’s ever heard of and make him sing one of the most famous songs of all time – and do a crap job? Win win. Look, I get it. He has a nice voice. So do millions of other people. Does it sufficiently update or improve upon the original? No. Should it have been a B-side or album track – sure. Do I care? Not particularly.
Gina G – Fresh: Gina G was a thing in the 90s, thanks to Eurovision. Hey boy – do you wanna get fresh? Is that an overly forwards/presumptuous way of asking if I need a shower. Or a breath mint? Yes, I know it means ‘lets fuck’. But pop stars didn’t have the balls to sing that in the 90s – most of them anyway. Anyhoo, I don’t remember this and it’s very very poor in all respects.
Britney Spears – Crazy: I never understood Britney. The music wasn’t very good, her image was unfortunate, and she couldn’t really sing. Then weird shit started happening. I don’t really understand the rabid hatred or support she gets now too. I understand the support, but not the frothing. She’s a woman who has seemingly been abused by everyone for much of her life, and I’d wager that many of her early fans were complicit in that abuse. With all that in mind, this song has a different ring to it than it did upon release. It’s a carbon copy of Hit Me Baby and has the same fun dance vibe. Like that song… it’s fine. Never more than a 3 out of 5 song.
Michael Jackson – Heal The World: MJ has been doing very badly in the polls so far, which I can only assume is down to the sexual allegations and not the music. There’s no getting away from the fact that this is easily the best song in the group. It’s gorgeous. Sure it’s twee, but it’s honest and sung with heart. My group winner.
Group 51
The Course – Ain’t Nobody: A cover which somehow adds a tonne more beats and content than the original but comes off sounding much weaker, musically and physically.
Will Smith – Gettin Jiggy With It: Probably missed a couple in this group, but out of these two songs this is the one I prefer. I don’t have any special memories of it or any real connection to Will Smith’s music. I loved Fresh Prince at the time and it’s still one of my favourite shows – his music is okay.
Group 52
K Ci & Jo Jo – All My Life: Another one which I would have told you I didn’t recognise from the name but which I do remember upon hearing the opening notes. It’s another song which is fairly badly performed – put a genuinely good singer against this or at the very least remove the garbage filters from the vocals, and there’s a perfectly good song here.
M People – One Night In Heaven: It’s M People again. I don’t like them. The song sounds like burps.
Eternal – I Am Blessed: Like almost every Eternal song, I have no memory of this. Seems like a sweet ballad. But also seems like it’s about religion, which is a shame. This is a crap group so far, so based on music alone (which isn’t great) this could be my group winner.
2 Unlimited – The Real Thing: Say what you will about 2 Unlimited, at least they put a bit of fire and energy into their music. This isn’t one I remember and it’s not the best thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s a damn sight better than most of the 90s dance tripe I do remember. My group winner.
Group 53
Oasis – Wonderwall: You know it. I know it. One of the hugest songs of the decade. I wasn’t the biggest fan. My group winner.
DJ Kool – Let Me Clear My Throat: It has an interesting name, I’ll give it that. Once it hits the ‘everybody jump’ part I remember it. There isn’t much to it, but it’s fine.
Pulp – Mis Shapes: I never liked Pulp. I never liked the music, the vocals or the fact that they all looked like tramps. Their lyrics were usually okay. This is the first time I’ve heard this song and musically it’s almost identical to every other Pulp song I’ve heard – incredibly dull.
Vanessa Williams – Save The Best For Last: I’m secure enough in my self and my tastes that I don’t mind saying this is a perfectly beautiful little ballad.
Group 54
Jamiroquai – Cosmic Girl: I’ve often said that if the guy didn’t have those hats, the band would not have been a success. That’s my number one top for hitting the big time in music, kids; wear a hat or have some other silly gimmick. The song is solid though – very funky, as was their way. I suppose my view on them has softened over the years, partly because I didn’t like or dislike them strongly at the time, and partly because their brand of music has not really been improved over the years. If anything, it has been diluted by everyone who has followed.
Bryan Adams – The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me: Not my favourite BA song, but it’s fine. My group winner.
Boyzone – Key To Life: Well, I’d forgotten this was a thing. Not surprising like, it’s less memorable than throwing out another holey sock.
Vanessa Paradis – Be My Baby: This doesn’t ring a bell, but it’s drenched in Motown nostalgia. Not much else to say.
Group 55
Prince & The New Power Generation – Gett Off: Is this the first Price song? I never understood the hype around Prince. His music just waft by me with zero effect. I do know this song, but I honestly didn’t know it was Prince. The lyrics are quite amusing in how openly sexual and brazen they are. I’m happy for that as most pop songs skirt around the obvious subject matter. Good tune.
Child Liners – The Gift Of Christmas: Apparently a charity song which somehow avoided my ears. I’m trying to identify the different voices, but as far as I can tell there aren’t any big hitters – it’s mostly boy/girl band types. Make no mistake, it’s an absolutely terrible song which sounds like it was produced by me, at age 7, in my bedroom in 1990. It’s about as generic a pop song as you’re likely to hear.
Baddiel & Skinner & The Lightning Seeds – 3 Lions: It’s the winner, right? Great song in any of its incarnations. My group winner.
The Outthere Brothers – Boom Boom Boom: One of the first and biggest songs which pissed me off when it came to dance music – not because it was bad, but because it was fine yet everyone else praised it like the second coming of Lennon. The fact that everyone loved this song annoyed me more than the song itself. It’s catchy and a bit naughty, but it’s just another song.
Group 56
Damage – Wonderful Tonight: We’ve had a song by these boys already, right? See, I’ve forgotten already and I only started this thing a few days ago. I never liked the original song much, and this is a quaint, smooth take on it which makes it more appealing for the modern (90s) yummy mummy wondering what the fuck went wrong with her life.
Vengaboys – We Like To Party: I’m sure you do, and that’s one of the many reasons I hate you. This song is another.
The Verve – The Drugs Don’t Work: One of the best songs of the decade. It’s a shame I don’t like The Verve more. My group winner.
Guru Josh – Infinity: I’m going to assume this is some one hit wonder dance muck. <presses play>. Yes. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to take it seriously. The main instrumental melody is fine, but everything else is bad with a capital SHIT. The absolute state of the video too.
Group 57
Cast From Casualty – Everlasting Love: I watched Casualty when it first came out. It was one of the few chances I had of seeing of blood and guts on TV without my parents telling me to leave the room. Sadly, those moments were few and far between and the waffling between Ash, Duffy, and the other one didn’t really appeal to me. Here they are, inexplicably, covering one of the greatest songs of all time. Watching the video, they do their best to ruin the song but even their lack of talent is able to finish the job. Also; I don’t remember fake Liza Minelli being in Casualty. She does her best, bless her, but as the song progresses her voice begins to collapse and she duffs or chickens out of a number of notes. Sadly, we don’t get a good look at the hot one in the white shirt.
DJ Sakin – Protect Your Mind: I didn’t know it was called Protect Your Mind. The Braveheart music is of course gorgeous. This doesn’t ruin it – it comes close – though lets be honest, it’s not that difficult to add a batch of cheap-ass beats to an already wonderful piece of music.
Take That – Love Ain’t Here Anymore: Yet another of the countless Take That ballads of the 90s, this one more turgid and forgettable than most. I’m sure it had a video with lots of hairless open-shirted boys to compensate for the lack of musical interest.
Mark Snow – The X Files: It’s The X Files theme tune, with added bits. My group winner.
Group 58
Primal Scream – Rocks: A solid tune.
The Outthere Brothers – If You Wanna Party: It’s not Boom Boom Boom and therefore no-one cares.
Ultra Nate – Found A Cure: It’s not Sonique. I didn’t know what this was until the pre-chorus. I have wiped the verses and chorus from my mind, but the pre-chorus remains. It’s not very good, is it?
Tori Amos – Professional Widow: An easy group winner, a song with more power than almost anything else on this list and barely a guitar in sight. One of the best endings to any song, ever. I bet the remix is on the list too. My group winner.
Share your memories and favourites in the comments!
The Spac Hole 