Greetings, Glancers! Like every other twat, I’ve been farting about with these funny AI Apps to avoid real life responsibilities. Carlos, you haven’t called your mother in two months! Carlos, put yourself on mute if you’re not talking! Carlos, I told you to pay the mortgage! Carlos, I told you not to leave the baby in the car by herself! Carlos, I’m leaving you! It’s great.
I’ve always had a love/please stop doing this to me relationship with AI and merging tools. I’ve created hundreds of hilarious pictures where I’ve merged myself with friends, celebs etc, and in work I’ve inexplicably received positive feedback on my celebrity face merge quizzes where I use an actual online tool to do the job for me. There was a certain demented charm in my own creations because I set myself a rule of only using the worst possible tool to generate severely limited results – a combination of Microsoft Paint and Fast Stone Capture was all I used.
We’re in a much more technologically advanced world now, one where AI bots are able to predict our desires and tell us what we need to purchase before we even soil our pants and they need to be replaced. A world where human run jobs are steadily being taken over by cheap robot labour. A world where it will soon be unclear if the person you’re speaking to on the internet, or on the bus, is actually human or a mangled collection of ones and zeroes plotting the downfall of your species.
But until that inevitable eventuality, we shall treat these bots with misguided innocent delight for whimsical means rather than formulating an actionable doomsday response. So here are some amusing mixings of famous people, using the infamous Craiyon.com (formerly DALL.E mini).
JESUS SCHWARZENEGGER CHRIST
If you ever wanted a man to wash away your iniquities and ‘take you to heaven’ as long as you ‘believe in him’, then it’s this Herculean hunk of plasticine and tan.
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE WILLIAM
Prince is the greatest guitarist of all time! No, Prince is the greatest musician of all time! No, Prince is neither of those things – he’s just some dead guy who was fine at writing songs which other artists performed better than he ever could. He’s also the unwanted offspring of that unlawful criminal hive of warmongering pedo-protectors known as The British Royal family. Here’s the shocking proof.
DAVID BOWIE KNIFE
Most of the attempts at generating these images ended up as pictures of knives with signatures beside them. By adding two extra words, we yield significantly more pleasing results.
JOHN KAREN CARPENTER
Soothing songstress Karen Carpenter may have died decades ago, but through the power of AI – THEY LIVE (get it?)!
MICHAEL DJ FOX
The app must not know who sort of famous UK DJ, DJ Fox is, and therefore generated a pile of muck instead. See:
Instead, if I simply search for Michael J Fox and DJ Fox, we are treated to starched skin Ant & Dec. Great Scott!
BEN & JERRY’S SHAPIRO
Famous racist Ben Shapiro probably hates these delicious yet over-priced tubs of frozen cream ever since they started introducing other flavours and diverse colours. VANILLA ONLY, ALL THE TIME! Such weak minded hatred only leads to a withered, monstrous visage like thus.
SIMON LE BON JOVI
Two of the 1980s biggest stars and sexy idols met once upon a time, in Rio I believe. They ‘fiddled’ each other, and out slithered the grotesque progeny of their regretful congress.
RANDY MICHAEL JACKSON
Whether or not Michael Jackson was ever Randy, and who with, is a subject people will talk about for the rest of time without ever coming to a definitive answer. He sure loved grabbing his crotch, though. The question of whether Randy Jackson was ever Michael, doesn’t really make sense. Neither does this picture.
What do you get when you cross one of history’s greatest writers with one of history’s worst dressers (I’ll let you work out which is which)? This, obvs.
STEPHEN KINGSLEY AMIS
No matter which choice of words I went for with this miserable combo, the result was always purely King or purely Amis. You may say something went ‘amis’ with the AI. If you were an idiot. Which you are.
SARAH MICHELLE ROSS GELLAR
A Buffy and Friends crossover would never have worked because Chandler and Xander are basically the same person. Buffy and Ross too, apparently. At least, the plan was to see what Ross and Buffy looked like with their bodies smooshed together in a non-sexy way, but the AI bot instead interpreted my wishes as ‘insert Buffy into Friends episodes’.
DEL BOY GEORGE
Most of you Americans reading this probably know who Boy George is – of Karma Chameleon fame. You maybe don’t know who Del Boy is, infamous geezer, father of The Antichrist and fan of luvvly jubbly money. Slapped into a single body and it’s neither, fools, horses, nor chameleons.
DAVID JANE LYNCH
There’s something comforting about listening to David Lynch’s meanderings – like the stories of a well-travelled uncle who always brings the best presents. Less comforting is the thought of his cavorting body writhing all up in the innards of ‘that women from Glee’.
NEVE BRUCE CAMPBELL
I tried Neve Campbell soup, but that just made me horny and I had to go away for a while. There are lots of famous Campbells out there, and none of the mergings were to my satisfaction (especially not after the soup relief), so in the end I went for old chinny legs himself, Bruce ‘Hail To The B-Movie’ Campbell. They make for a cute couple. IN HELL.
THOM YORKIE BAR
No matter what you search for, if you include Thom Yorke in the search, then the result is Thom Yorke as he normally looks. It seems reasonable to conclude therefore that Thom has been a bot since some point in the late 90s, steadily weaselling his nebulous limbs into every USB port and server farm he gets with a Terabyte of.
Who is your favourite A-List couple? Let us know in the comments, and be certain that I’ll have plenty more of these AI shit posts to come!