Greetings, Glancers! While 1993 ain’t no 1994 in terms of overall quality or quantity, it’s not far off. It was a great year for movies, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a steaming pile of unacceptable bum squirtings too. Squirtings like these:
Addams Family Values
I know there’s a lot of nostalgia over this and the first movie, but they’re junk. It’s perfectly cast like the first movie, but whatever slight humour to be found in part 1 is somehow even more reduced here. I know I’m saying this as an adult who had no affinity for the movies when they were release, but I watched both recently with my kids and they were bored stiff. I need more than good casting, costumes, and sets.
Dave
It’s the sort of campy comedy which Britain would begin pumping out later in the decade, albeit with a political, satirical slant. As much as I have enjoyed certain movies, I don’t think Kevin Kline has ever made a film I’ve loved, or made a film better by being in it. The Ice House would be the exception. Nothing against him, he’s a good actor, just does nothing for me and most of his movies don’t do much for me. It’s another version of, well, Kagemusha, where a lookalike in thrust into a position of power, and it plays with US politics but it floats by me with a story, characters, and arena I could never care for.
Heaven & Earth
First we had the exceptional Platoon, then the equally brilliant Born On The 4th Of July, but then we had this story of a woman’s experience before, during, and after The Vietnam War. It should work – looks stunning, good cast, Oliver Stone – but it’s dull. The emotion it strives for, the potency of the violence and how lives and families can be shattered by the after effects of violence, doesn’t come across very well while also being readily apparent. While his two previous Vietnam movies are immediately unforgettable, Heaven & Earth dribbles from your memory minutes after watching.
Indecent Proposal
It’s another Basic Instinct so we’ll get to see more boobs! Lyne was hot off other salacious hits like Fatal Attraction and 9 1/2 Weeks, and the film made a tonne of money based on the premise and the promise of wife-borrowing boobs. However, we get no boobs, no violence, no interesting characters, and a plot straight out of a Soap Opera pilot which wasn’t picked up.
Matinee
I should love this. In fact, I should have loved this when I first saw it given the quartet of Joe Dante, John Goodman, Omri Katz, and Kellie Martin (each who I loved as a kid) and the fact that it’s about the love of Cinema. But when I did first see this it was another painfully dull, lifeless, and boring experience. In all honesty I haven’t seen it since and I’m curious that if I were to return to it now – decades later – if I would get more out of it, or maybe even love it. The memory of how much I didn’t like it has stopped me from ever revisiting.
The Piano
Boredom is a recurring theme this year. As much as I love Anna Paquin, I’m still not sure she needed an Oscar for this. A fairly good-looking film, at times, it’s another complete slog where I am given no encouragement to care about anything that is happening or anyone it’s happening to. And if I want to see Harvey Keitel’s sack, I’ll watch Bad Lieutenant.
The Remains Of The Day
See above, but without Keitel’s balls.
Robocop 3
Robocop is an all time Top Ten for me. Robocop 2 is a vastly inferior sequel which is still entertaining in its own way. Robocop 3 is an unwatchable abomination and one of the most disappointing movies ever made, replacing cast members, killing off others, with zero violence or satire, with terrible effects, and somehow making samurai sword wielding robots yawn inducing. Were they even robots? Who knows? Who cares?
Sommersby
I actually like the premise behind Sommersby, and the setting, but once again it’s a painfully slow burn. It would be dishonest of me to even use the word ‘burn’, it’s more like a slow breath of some tramp’s cigarette smoke into your eyes when you’re waiting for the last train home; Pointless, annoying, and if they do it again you’ll mruder them.
Super Mario Bros
You knew it was coming, right. I guess we’ll see what the Animated Mario movie will look like when it gets released next year, but it can’t be much worse than this. But seriously, how do you turn that game series into a live action movie? Decent cast – I like everyone involved and I like the Roxette song. That’s about where the enjoyment ends because they try to make it a semi-serious movie instead of an all out comedy or action movie, and they try to set it in the real world. It just doesn’t work, and it probably never could.
Let us know your least favourite movies of 1993 in the comments!
The Spac Hole 