Nightman’s Least Favourite Movies Of 2002!

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2002 was such a strong year for me, in terms of movies in general, and in terms of my personal tastes, that it was very difficult for me to really find any movies I didn’t like. I pretty much only went to the Cinema for movies I knew I’d love, and all of the DVDs I bought of 2002 releases I’ve enjoyed. As this was peak in my interest of Asian Cinema and beyond, even most of the foreign releases I saw are much close to love than hate. Most of the obvious picks from this year I have continued to avoid, so they won’t make my list.

Chicago

Our requisite crappy musical of the year, I’m aggravated by this one more than others because it was the first big studio backed, star-studded, successfully musical in years and it encouraged every twat in Hollywood to proclaim the return of film’s most needless genre. Almost every box for ‘Nightman Won’t Like This’ is ticked – it’s a musical, the music is jazz-based, it’s set in the 1930s, and it stars a trio of performers I’ve never given a shit about. There is absolutely zero in this film which appeals to me in any way whatsoever.

Deathwatch

A horror movie set in the trenches – sign me up. Now, I’ve still only seen this once, at release on the big screen, and part of me wants to watch it again to see if it’s as bad as I remember. I remember finding it grimy and grim enough, and slowly makes its way towards a twist ending we all saw coming. It was a case then of a great idea (which has since been done better and worse in other films) done badly, too rambling, too visually bland and dark, but I do plan on watching it again to see if it has improved with age.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

The less said about this, the better. It has gradually been forgotten over time and I certainly don’t want to get people talking about it again – let it rot. It is a prime example of how shitty most romantic comedies – studio backed, indie, or otherwise, always are, with hackneyed ideas and ideals, clumsy unrealistic women, and even more unrealistic Prince Charming types wading their way through shmaltzy, earthy dialogue and badly performed low grade slapstick.

About A Boy

You can be almost certain that if there’s a British Hugh Grant film in any given year, it’s going to make my list. As is generally the case with these, there’s a bunch of hateful characters you wouldn’t waste a knife on stabbing, placed in some stupid situation, and they all live happily ever after. Never darken my door again.

Windtalkers

By and large I’ve loved everything John Woo has ever made. Several of his films make my Favourites lists, including some of his US made movies. Windtalkers had so much potential, including a cast of people I respect, a large budget, and the scope of the WWII told from a different perspective. Sadly, it just doesn’t feel like a John Woo movie – his trademark beats and style is all but omitted and the film is strangely bland – visually, emotionally, across the board. I wouldn’t go so far as calling it a bad film, but somewhere along the line whatever the film should have been faded away and what remained was a by the numbers war flick with good intentions.

Halloween Resurrection

I only watched this movie recently, having long since stopped caring about the Halloween franchise (original, 2, 4, and 5 are the only movies from the original series you need to see). I actually don’t mind the central idea behind the film – cashing in on the Most Haunted pre-found footage, Reality TV crazes of the time. My problem is – why is it a Halloween movie? It may have been better without the Myers name and myth attached. However, Myers is cellotaped into the film, back from the dead once more, and the cast is one of the more annoying in Slasher history although credit for bringing a unique cast to things. Beyond the TV/hidden camera premise, which is used for all the 100% expected gags you smell coming and nothing more, it’s a standard slasher which attempts to take the genre back twenty years.

The Ring

They say that when it comes to this franchise – whichever one you see first is the one you prefer. That’s nonsense – the Japanese original is clearly the superior film in every respect. The remake, sure it has the big name cast, but it goes for cheap jump-scares rather than the gnawing trauma of Ringu. The famous finale of Ringu is one of the great moments in horror, but the remake essentially destroys this by constant cuts away and MTV editing. On top of that unforgivable mistake, the film adds ham-fisted attempts at explanation, Samara is the least creepy child outside of The Red Queen from Resident Evil rather than the inescapable force of vengeance that Sadako is, and there’s a whole tonne of crap about horses for some reason. Also, ‘the videotape’ is not creepy in the slightest – like a Christian Metal band trying to be Tool.

Die Another Day

The only current Bond movie to make my list, and I hope the only Bond movie to ever make such a list, Die Another Day is an abomination the likes of which should be chained in the attic and fed fish-heads twice a week. It’s not a Bond movie – it’s a Carry On movie with worse dialogue and CG effects which appeared to have been created on a Commodore 64.

Maid In Manhattan

It’s Jennifer Lopez, pretending to be poor and ugly. Nuff said.

Let us know in the comments which movies would make your list!

Tell it like it is!

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