Lets continue our descent into ineptitude with 2008 – a film which saw many good films, and many bad films. Just like any other year then. Here’s a few films which stink more than a Congressman’s spunk.
If I ever do a worst of decade post (I won’t) this abomination would be somewhere near the top. Every single molecule of this dangling testicle should never have existed, every second is pain incarnate, and it makes me angry that money was spent to hearken it forth into the world. I want to use the word despicable, but I don’t think I can quite pull it off. It’s just badly made shit, like when you mistakenly go into a public toilet at 2.00 after the drug-crazed loon with vomit in his hair staggers out – inept performers, hateful characters with zero redeeming qualities that you wish would be killed off within the first thirty seconds of meeting them just so you can look at the yacht’s interior for the next 90 minutes in peace. Harry Knowles loved it – that should be on the poster as the best warning to keep viewers away that money could buy. A more angry blogger than I might say that everyone involved in expelling this turd from the bowels of inadequacy deserves to be fisted into oblivion by Andre The Giant.
It’s not that Doomsday is a bad film (it isn’t very good), it’s that after Dog Soldiers and The Descent I was hoping for something amazing now that Neil Marshall had more than a couple of five pound notes to rub together. What we got is Mad Max Vs Snake Plissken. Even that sounds awesome, but somehow it’s just a little shoulder shruggy. The action doesn’t quite live up to expectations, and all the future cyberpunk stuff isn’t all that interesting. It feels like the film a teenage boy would make if he had the money and loved those aforementioned films. It’s fan fiction which brings nothing new to the table. It’s a fine middle of the road action movie to catch if you’re channel hopping, but instantly forgettable.
Hey, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this movie. I liked it. It’s just – what’s the point? It does nothing that wasn’t done in the original, beyond giving the great Michael Pitt another chance at stardom. Just watch the original.
The one that started it all, eh? Except that it wasn’t, but we can ignore those others which really came first, eh? Honestly, I’d love to be able to ignore this too, but the monster which sprung from it has been unavoidable. I never cared much for the character of Tony Stark and while RD-JR gives the film some life (except that it’s the same shtick he pulls in every film) it’s just your bog standard generic superhero origin story, but without the emotion. It does have hundreds of millions of moneys thrown at it, so it doesn’t look like a piece of shit. Credit for putting the framework in place for building a world I couldn’t care less about. By no means a bad film, just one big meh.
Indiana Jones And The Crystal Skull
Look, I didn’t hate it like most people did. I grew up with the original trilogy and was as excited as anyone that we’d be getting another. Yes it was unfortunate that it didn’t come ten years earlier, but what are you gonna do. The adventure is still there, Ford is still good if too old to be swinging about jungles, but the script is totally bogged down by unnecessary pap, and a little of the magic is gone. Plus, those monkeys… who thought that was a good idea?
I loved the first Hellboy. It didn’t take itself seriously, it took a different approach and had a different look to most comic book movies. The second one struggles – the story isn’t as engaging, they don’t build upon the world or the characters, and it doesn’t hit the same beats as the first. It’s not bad, I still enjoyed it, but it was a let down given how much I enjoyed its predecessor.
Welcome to your yearly shitty musical entry. Look, I get it – just like there are people who enjoy fox-hunting, there are people who enjoy musicals. They’re not for me. To its credit, it doesn’t do what most musicals do by either having the cast members’ singing voices dubbed or casting theatre types who can sing but have no screen presence. Also to its credit, you can’t go wrong with ABBA. Except… you can, because they only have about ten worthwhile songs and the rest are retreads of those ten. And they build a nonsensical plot based around the lyrics of some of these songs and throw a host of unlikable performers onto the screen to meander through the hackneyed dialogue. Even the likable performers don’t come out unscathed. And it’s at least 50 minutes too long. It’s a movie for your mother in law – by which I mean – it’s not a movie. It’s a musical on screen. Imagine how different the world would be if the money spent on, and made by, this movie had gone towards building a hospital. Or a recording studio to allow people to make good new music. Or a bunch of smaller budget movies.
I Want To Believe
Another X-Files movie – great. Honestly, I was a big fan during the series initial run, and came back for both return seasons. But the over-riding thought after seeing this was – what was the point? It is literally an extended standalone episode with no link to any of the show’s over-arching mythology. Normally I wouldn’t care, and I’ll take more X-Files where I can get it, but this particular feature length episode is bland mid-season filler. It feels like this was a script which had languished for years as a straight to DVD thriller before someone had the bright idea to retcon it into the X-Files universe to guarantee a few million in return. It’s worth a watch, but I fail to see who is really going to enjoy it – people who haven’t seen the show won’t care, and those who have won’t get what they want. A very strange choice and a very strange movie. I still liked it… but what was the point?
Yikes. Every year there’s a horror film which gets under my skin for all the wrong reasons. The original ‘Mirrors’ is a fairly decent example of K-Horror – nothing special. This is dumb, devoid of scares, and doesn’t make a lick of sense. There’s one scene in this movie which gore-fans point to, but it washed over me without incident. A horror movie with Keifer Sutherland and directed by Alexander Aja should work for me, but this was just balls all round and not worth typing further about.
Every year we are treated to roughly ten Nic Cage movies – 80% of these are straight to DVD shite, and the other 20% are straight to DVD WTF. Every so often you get a good one or a legitimate one. Normally none of those movies would make my list because you expect them to be balls, but this one I looked forward to, foolishly, because the original Bangkok Dangerous is one of my favourite all time movies. It’s just wonderful. This remake takes the very bare bones from that movie – basically the mute hitman – saps it of all style and emotion and humour – and that’s about it. It’s tragic that so few people have seen or heard of the original, and given that it’s a foreign movie, when I try to recommend it to people, they invariably reply ‘isn’t that a shitty Nic Cage movie’? Seriously, find the original and watch it – not this.
There you go – a less controversial selection this week, with a few clangers and a few many people enjoyed if not outright loved. Let me know your picks in the comments!