*Note* Here is another post which I wrote years ago and was going to use as an introduction to my picks for the Best Cast Oscar, starting with 1960. For some reason I neglected to post it, so here it is – it’s pretty bad.**
It’s a given that awards should be given to the primary and supporting actors and actresses, but what about all those other minor characters who aren’t eligible for those awards? What would The Godfather be without Carlo Rizzi, Jack Woltz, Apollonia? Try to imagine Terminator 2 without John Connor’s little Ginger friend. All films are an ensemble of acting talent, and all performers deserve to be recognized. And what happens if your film has four of five leads all trying to outdo each other as I imagine all actors do:
BRAD PITT (rehearsing his lines for OCEAN’S 27)
Hey. My name is Brad and I (takes off shirt) am not here to steal all the sausages from your father’s butcher’s, I promise!
JULIA ROBERTS (comely meat-child)
Hmm. I believe you. You can stroke my sausage anytime, big bo-uh, wait, that doesn’t make any sense. And why am I the butcher’s daughter, I’M JULIA-FREAKING-ROBERTS – I WON AN OSCAR!
AL PACINO (butcher) emerges with his hand up a pig
What the fuck is all the NOISE ABOUT! I’M AL-FREAKING-PACINO – I WON AN OSCAR! Now let me return to my METHOD ACTING RESEARCH and fondle this lovely pig some more
Tom Hanks (Pig)
Oink. This performance is Oink sure to win me another Oink SCRREECH Oscar. Ooh, Al, that tickles. Never stop.
Um, guys, you’re like, kinda ruining my scene. (Takes off jeans) I need to rehearse this now because I was up all night with 40 of our kids so I didn’t get a chance yet.
Hey, why don’t you shut da phunk up, u little bitch. I’m gonna give you such a beatin when I get you home.
No, mummy, no!
No, no, NO, CUT! Cut, I said- this is all wrong. This scene is about compassion, youth, and a girl experiencing her first spark of womanhood.
Wait, we were filming? I thought we were just rehearsing, why did you say ‘cut’?
Suddenly, Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson, Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Charlize Theron enter, led by Meryl Streep and Daniel Day Night Lewis.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? I WON A FREAKING OSCAR!
The group all begin to ACT AT EACH OTHER in a terrifying DUEL. It is TERRIFYING.
Guys, guys. Enough. Like seriously. I’ve never won an Oscar and I’m hopin- wait, have I won an Oscar? What’s that cool website called with that guy who lists shit no-one reads? The Spac Hole? Yeah, I think I’ll go there and check. (takes off underwear)
All (staring at Pitt)
What the fuck is that?
And so, it gives me great pleasure to go back to the past and give my ever so sought after award to the entire cast and casting director of some most excellent movies.