Near Dark Is Da Scariest Film Of Da Day!

This film was so scary I could barely watch. I like horror movies, but not scary ones. It has a very clever idea, and it is set mostly at that time of the day which is near dark, hence thy name. It is not dark, it is not light, it is not in between. Just those few moments before they sun is finally swallowed by all encompassing darkness. I suppose I was so scared by this movie as this has always been the time of day I was most scared of. Me and my bro Andy when we were younger both hated this time of day. Day time was okay because there were only wasps to worry about, and at least you could see any spiders that were trying to get you. Night time could be bad as you couldn’t see any spiders, and night time is when all the baddies come out. This was compensated by the fact that once it was dark we would go to bed, and when you hid under the sheets nothing could get you. But being Near Dark- ARGGGH! The baddies could sneak out and get you before you went to bed and the spiders are hungriest around that time. I decided to watch this film to overcome my fear of this hour and when I heard it was about vampires I thought it might be enjoyamatic.

This is a film about a cowboy who meets a family of gypsy vampires romping through the deserts of New York. One of them is a sexy feline girl and they fall for each other. He decides to join the vampires so he can be with the girl, but doesn’t realise that being a vampire has consequences- you have to kill and eat people’s brains; you can’t have garlic on your pizza; you have to wear black or you look like a tool; you think you can fly but really it’s your vampire mind playing tricks on you, and when you try throwing yourself off a building you always land in a bush and get nettle stings; you smell like dust. He decides that he can’t be a vampire and wants to change back with the girl. Naturally the rest of the family aren’t happy. In fang, they are biting back! They vant blood! Hudson, Bishop, Vasquez, and Short Round are the real vampires and they hunt the pair down, killing innocent people and creating scary moments which I couldn’t watch; Someone hears a scratching at a window and looks out- phew it’s only a rat. They turn round only to see the vampires inside their house! BOO! The main guy is watching TV, he sees Bishop (the matriarch of the family played horrifyingly by Lance Armstrong) on the news commenting on a local tragedy. The main man is concerned. Suddenly Bishop jumps through the TV into the living room! The main guy’s little sister is being chased by Short Round in a mine cart throwing stones at her and biting at her neck, just missing by millimetres. She escapes when his cart tips over and she runs home. She closes the door, locks it, sprinkles holy water over it, sets garlic all over the door, puts crosses on it, and gets her dad to stand beside her with a shotgun. They turn round only to find Shorty (played with real vengeance by Data) in their living room! These moments were about as much as I could handle. Suffice to say there is a big battle scene where all the cowboys and vampires fight through the desert, into a local bar, and finally the survivors face off in the living room. There are good special graphics used here, the best since Lords Of The Ring, but not quite as good as The Land That Tim Forgot. Seeing thousands, perhaps even hundreds of vampires and cowboys clashing is truly a sight to behave, but I had to watch it from behind my book and through my fingers. The bit with the pub was quite intense, very much quite. Hudson dances with a corpse and stalks his victims with a smile before kicking their throats open and impaling them on his long, hard, pool cue. This is not for the faint minded or open hearted and I found it quite upsetting. He quips the whole way through-  ‘chicken lickin’ good!’ he shouts, and ‘no way man, no way!’ and of course when speaking of his vamp biting skills he comments ‘I could suck start a leaf blower!’ Luckily it all ends OK because the vampires see the error of their ways and set themselves on fire in the motel living room, and the dad makes his son and the girl drink a cup of anti blood to make them better.

Best Scene: When the sun finally rises at the end and we know it’s safe to get out of bed.

Tell it like it is!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.