Mermaids: The Last Film

I walked into the cinema expecting this to be a film. I was right, but I thought it was going to be about women with tails swimming about the ocean, perhaps a sequel to The Little Mermaid. I was wrong. This is a film about a woman and her two daughters riding from town to town, trying to get a break. Who cares. Who writes these things? Who watches these things? Seriously. Do you want to watch a film about a mummy shouting at her daughters and flirting with Bob Hopkins? No. Then they burst into a rendition of the Cheep Cheep song written by Dusky Springfield. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep and dreamed a dream.

I dreamt that I was a mermaid, or in this case a merman, like in He-Man. I had a big, 3-pronged fork which I used to catch my dinner – giant shrimp, octopussies, sea burgers etc. I wasn’t the King or anything, but I was pretty well off as far as ocean dwellers go. I had a few concubines who would answer my every sordid whim. The main one looked like Winorda Rider, so the film had some impact on me. One day I was relaxing on the ocean floor when a little lost boy swam round the rock, shouting ‘Kali Ma! Kali Maaa!’ This disturbed me greatly, so I gathered a group of my mates and went off to investigate. The source of the trouble was a giant dragon which had erupted from the ocean floor. We started to beat it with sticks and throw crabs at it, but it laughed to see such fun and turned into Les from Coronation Street. I was quite taken by surprise, and even more so when I looked down and saw that I was no longer a merman, but a cup of tea sitting on a table on the set of Britain’s most beloved soap. Vera had a suck of me, then Rita, then the ginger one, and Les dipped a Digestive in me. Even now I feel his crumbs floating around my insides. All of a suddent, Chair came running in singing the Woop Woop song, her and Bob Hostile dancing together, faster and fasterer. The youngest daughter from Mermaids (Lionel Ricci) came bounding in, tripped and banged into me. I tipped over the edge of the table and fell towards the carpet. Just before I hit the ground, I woke up. The cinema was empty and the screen was blank. I realised I had slept over, so decided to get up and go home for some sausages and whiskey.

I noticed my watch (a Timex) had stopped. I walked out of the cinema and found that no-one was around, so I thought they were all in other screens, watching better movies. My footsteps seemed louder than usual, and there was an eerie quiet. An empty bag of Minstrels rustled on the floor. Eager to put the whole episode behind me, I made my way down the stairs and out the door. What greeted me – I can only describe as silent carnage. Cars lay upturned on the streets, bikes and clothes lay strewn in the highest branches of the trees and on top of lamp-posts. Fires were burning all around, but in their dying stages. There was no wind. No sound. Everything seemed stale and artificial like a reality TV show commissioned by Channel 4. I had a feeling in my groin like some unknown force from centuries ago had taken residence there with no intention of leaving. The air had no taste, but seemed like Polystyrene. Worse, there were no people. Shell-shocked I stumbled across the street, still looking left and right for traffic even though the nearest car sat half-in half-out of the third storey of an office block behind me. I entered the corner shop looking for some fellow humans; none were to be found. Wait! Maybe some took shelter in the pub next door from whatever had happened here. What had happened? Terrorists? Aliens? Bomb? Earthquake? Act of God? I couldn’t be sure, and my thoughts were not following logically anyway – Words bounced spontaneously about my head. Like. Unfocused. Wasps. Chasing. Jigsaw. Lullaby of descent into something something hell don’t can’t know no this isn’t me here, why, why not whine aught? The pub was no less empty than the shop before. No-one anywhere.

This was 4 days ago. I am home. I am alone. It’s getting dark and I mostly get scared at night. Mostly. I haven’t met another living soul in days. TV and radio are gone. Is there anybody out there? Let me know. I’ll be at the town hall at midday everyday for an hour. I won’t stay around for long though. I’m taking my bike down south to see if every town is the same. Head for the coast. Get a boat or swim if I must. Leave this place and find another way. Surely this can’t be the only place. Please God.

Best Bit: Taking all the DVDs from HMV now that everyone’s gone.

It can't end like this
It can’t end like this
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