Hamlet: Epic Fail

‘To be or not to be’- is that a question? Yes, it is. Is it a good question? No, it is not. In fact, it’s not even proper English. For someone who is supposedly the best writer ever, his English ain’t too good. He should really have said something like ‘Should I be doing this, or should I just top myself?’ or even better ‘if I’m not me, then who da hell am i!?’

Hamlet is a Shakespeare Comedy based on an earlier work by Chaser or someone. They tried to make us study this in school, but most of us couldn’t even read it! I don’t know why they don’t make us read comics, it would be easier, more exciting, more fulfilling, and would make more kids turn up to class. In fact, everyone knows that books and reading is pretty much obsolete these days so they should really just show classic movies or TV shows like The A-Team, CHiPs, and Superted. ‘What have we got next? Asked Neville when we were in school. ‘English I think’ I replied. ‘Balls to that, man, I’m away for a walk’. Yes, when English came around most of us most of the time mostly sat outside the room for most of the class, mostly because we were bored, but mostly because there was a radiator we could stand against. It was cold in school; so cold. Thinking about it now gives me the shivery chills. Brrrr. I think I’ll put some gloves on.

This film as far as I know follows the novel word for word, scene for scene. This is to be expected, given that Shakespears’s Grandson Kenneth Brana stars and directs. There was controversy here as Brana claimed sole writing credits, meaning that Shakespeare never saw a penny, or a shilling as the case may be. Given the length of the book (over 2 thousand pages) the film is actually 7 hours long – a nice bit of irony by Brana as this is about 6 hours longer than any person should be expected to sit in any one place. The story is hardly an original one; a man wants revenge for the murder of his father by his mother’s lover. Simple. Why it takes so long to tell this story I don’t know. Rather than showing the murder, showing Hamlet (what sort of a name is that anyway!?) finding out, and then chasing Alan Rickman and killing him would have been much easier and/or pleasing to the eye. Instead he fills it up with pointless characters like Roseypants and Glidingbum, wastes time with ‘solitudies’ (scenes where a character talks to himself for 10 minutes) and confusing sexy times with his crazy sister Kate Beckinsale. I admit that some of the clothes look nice, but if I wanted to look at fancy costumes I would go to Coventry. There is a scene with a ghost and it was a little spooky, but I would hardly call it scary- another wasted opportunity. There is a sword fight, but there are better sword fights in Once Upon A Time In China, The Matrix, and any number of Hong Kung movies. Brana clearly doesn’t know how to ‘stage’ an ‘action’ ‘scene’. All he can do is talk, and talk… wear black, then talk some more. This is 10 hours of my life I will never get back. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY BANA! If not, I’m coming to Shrewsbury and I’m gonna steal Shakespeer’s pantaloons!

Best Scene: When I fell asleep and dreamt that I was driving a tank through a field of zombies. Crrrrunnch! I rescued Melinda Culea from them (and later from her clothes) and we went on together to find Jan Michael Vincent who was busy serenading pigeons with his impressive Tromboner.

Brana prepares for the famous speech
Brana prepares for the famous speech
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