What do you call a man whose top is made from trees and who likes to throw cutlery from high buildings? Head-Wood Sky Soar Pans! (Edward Scissorhands)

Edward Scissorhands is a terrifying, grim fairy tale, the story of a deformed boy with scissors stapled onto his arms in the place of hands. It is a well known fact that Vinnie Price went buck nuts before he died, believing that he was a real mad scientist. He began experimenting on neighbourhood runaways, cutting them up and replacing their limbs with household appliances- he would sand off their feet and replace them with a couple of hairdryers; he scooped out their eyeballs and inserted Christmas lights; he ripped off their danglies and tied on glue guns. The list goes on- all I will say is that this is where Radiohead got their name from. Tim Button, fresh from his success with his version of Batfink which made enough money to let him make whatever film he wanted. He decided to base his next film on the continuing existence of one of Prince’s creations- Edward. It is made all the more horrific by the fact that a love story is tacked on along with some rather sick slap-the-stick comedy.

The film stars Julia Roberts as a suburban saleswoman. In a clear rip off of off Desperate Houses, all the women are sneaky, self interested pointlessly neighbour obsessed with lives so empty and meaningless that the only way to fill the void with something other than outright hatred for themselves is to spy on their equally vacuous mud dwellers. Julia decides one day to go up to the spooky castle at the bottom of her street to try to sell her magic beans there. Inside she finds (amongst an assortment of fetishist, S and M torture devices) a lonely young man called Edward. He seems normal other than the fact that he has scissors for his hands and is a complete weirdo. Naturally, Jaunty Depp was picked for the role. Judy takes him home to meet her family- husband Richard, son Barry, and daughter Winrunner Rideher. Eddie falls in love for Wineowner but she calls him a hippie and has an affair with local jock Rob Lowe. Jedward goes buck nuts and begins having visions of his daddy, Vinnie Jones, who advises him to become an assassin. He does, and the rest of the film is a blood soaked snowstorm of necks being sliced, eyes being gouged (with the camera placed on the tip of the scissor for maximum effect), and limbs removed as Tom Button shows his utter disdain for everything wholesome; it is basically him saying that he wishes everyone would murder everyone else and leave him alone to draw his zany pictures. The worst thing is, when Ed gets paid he can’t count or spend the money as he keeps accidentally ripping it up. The scene where he moves from house to house impaling and mauling all the pets is so awful I may well have invented it just so I don’t have to remember it. The thing comes to a climax when the FBI come to take Edwood away and he holds Winoprah hostage at the top of his castle. Helichopters swoop around the pair while he has a slow motion fight with their propellers. He finally cracks, and cuts off his beloved’s head and legs and is subsequently shot to pieces by the Feds. As the sad music rises, Winnie’s blood drops onto the floor and we fade to white.

Best Scene: The ending, where we fade back in to find that it is the future, and Wimpy is alive and well and a granny. Surgeons were able so sow her head and legs together with a thin strip of her torso, though her midriff is completely gone. She is telling her granddaughter this story (I assume the young girl was naughty and this is her horrific punishment). The child asks, ‘What happened to Ed, granny?’ Winotebook replies ‘Ed’s dead, baby. Ed’s dead’ before racing off on her space age mobility cycle.

Do You See?
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s